Walking through the park...and ever so slowly through the tulips...

[Robert D.]

I went to the park where I live....and took my first walk there .., instead of the treadmill in my house. And ..it truly felt wonderful....the children playing, the sun shine, ....human beings actually being there....families....etc. The leaves falling that I don't have to mow (this is play by play yall)....

As for walking ever so slowly through the tulips...now....,

I am glad for the couples and their happiness....but, it doesn't help my intense lonliness..., although, it is somewhat better than walking on my treadmill and no one being there at my house. So...I am going to get better walking shoes....and try to come out here more often

...I don't want to ruin the nearly hour walk I just did (this feels like a new journal....but I digress)....however, a small,...ok....medium to large frosty at Wendy's right across the street sure sounds good right about now. 

Hoping you all are weathering this new, or not so new, 'life'

...depending on how long each of us has been in this thing, that being... (what is always with us now..and never shall leave us ever again life)....

God bless!!....Off to the frosty....of course.....come on friends, ...you want the 🍦 frosty too.....(:

Robert

[AJ4]

Walking outside is one of my favorite things for peace of mind.

[KayC]

I have been walking my dogs for 35 years, I love it, it helps to get out, take in nature, the exercise is a bonus, but it does something for me I can't explain.

[foreverhis]

If it weren't for my doggy friend Raleigh and her visits with me 2-4 times per week (4 during 2020-2021; 2-3 mostly now), I don't think I'd get out and walk nearly as much as I do.  My medical conditions can make it problematic, but when that 12 lb bundle of energy and love gives me "the look," I ask, "Do you you want to go on our walk?"  She dances around toward the door and stands in her spot waiting for the human, who takes forever in her mind, to get ready.  Then she quivers as I slip on her harness and leash, and off we go.  I let her lead and will only take control of our route if she tries to go somewhere dangerous (such as into the bay mud at a minus tide if we've walked all the way down to the water) or if I get too tired/in pain or if I see her flagging. 

Her simple joy in being together outside, living each moment in the present, is a reminder to me that life is precious and it is fragile.  So I savor every moment, every muddy trail, every bit of sand and tall grass and blue sky when I am with her.  We come back to my house where I give her a "wash up" (sponge bath, basically) from nose to tail.  She loves it and it gets her really excited for what we call zoom-crazy play time.  See, I have carpet in the living room, but she has hardwood at home, so she revels in the fact that she can get a good grip and go like the wind around the chairs and under the tables.  It's hysterical. I laugh and laugh and cheer her on.  Sometimes when I'm really tired or hurting, I look at her and ask, "Why aren't you tired?  You're middle aged!" (12-1/2)  Later, we have a nap and then a short walk, dinner, more play, and an end of the day snuggle nap.  When her mom or dad pick her up (it's a 45 second walk across the street), we often visit for a while.  When she's gone, the house is still and silent again, but my broken heart hurts just a little bit less.  She is such a gift.

When her mom was down with pneumonia (no COVID) last month and her dad was out of town for 2 weeks, her mom asked me if I could take her for a few hours to walk and hang out at my house every day, in addition to a few extra "regular" days (12-1 to 7-7:30).  Well, I had a ton of chores/maintenance/repairs/gardening to do before our winter, but so what?  Of course I said yes.  I still have a ton of stuff to do, but it's the age-old question:  If I get run over by a bus tomorrow, which will I think:  "I'm so glad I weeded the garden" or "I'm so glad I spent time with Raleigh."  There's no contest.  It's funny how her mom and dad always thank me for taking care of her, but I tell them the truth that I am the thankful one.

Sometimes I think being outdoors brings us closer to our soulmates.  Maybe the barrier between us is thinner or lighter out in nature.  Or maybe being outside reminds me that there is so much we don't/can't understand about the mysteries and glories of the universe, which renews my faith that John and our two most special animal companions are together again and that, when it's my time, I will join them.  At first, those thoughts were sometimes the only thing that kept me breathing and putting one foot in front of the other.

 

[Ronni_W]

Robert,

People have been telling me for 2 years, "Oh, just go for a walk -- you'll feel better!" (Very well-meaning and well-intentioned...but.)

Finally I said to someone, "I *hate* walking in my neighbourhood now. There is NOTHING, no spot, that does not somehow bring back a nostalgic memory of when he and I used to go for walks together. Stop the eff telling me to go for a 'nice and peaceful and relaxing' walk!!! -- it won't be any of that; it will be the opposite."

So. I'm happy for you that you're starting to be able to go for walks in your neighbourhood, and feel some calm and peace and relaxation. I get what it means. I'm happy for you.

Edited to add: Yes, I wanted a 'frosty', but I had ice-cream in the house, so joined and shared with you that way. 💓.

[foreverhis]

5 minutes ago, Ronni_W said:

Finally I said to someone, "I *hate* walking in my neighbourhood now. There is NOTHING, no spot, that does not somehow bring back a nostalgic memory of when he and I used to go for walks together. Stop the eff telling me to go for a 'nice and peaceful and relaxing' walk!!! -- it won't be any of that; it will be the opposite."

That's completely understandable and one of the reasons I didn't go for walks by myself after John died.  Sometimes I walked with a dear friend, one who truly understands grief, to the local nature preserve so we could talk or sit in silence contemplating the nature of the universe.  But walks that John and I took?  Nope.  I didn't drive over to walk on the beaches or go to the park we loved or anything like that.  It hurt too much.  I still don't do that because some things are triggers longer than others.

I think that having Raleigh has helped with that in that I'm focused on her and trying my hardest to make new memories with her.  Sometimes I envision John along with us or I talk to him as I talk to her.  It's better now, at 4 years out, than it was the first 2+ years, but I imagine that some places will be painful forever.

[Ronni_W]

14 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

That's completely understandable [...]

Thanks, foreverhis.

I find that a lot of my fellow-grievers, especially the ones whose loss is still very new and raw, look to others to say what is 'normal' and 'understandable'.

I don't know how to get across the message that EVEN IF no-one else has the experience or thinks or has the opinion that how they are feeling, sensing and doing it, even if for no-one else -- exactly how it is going for them, and how they are feeling, sensing and doing it, is still perfectly 'normal' and 'understandable'.

Thanks, again.  Love and hugs to you.   Ronni

[DWS]

1 hour ago, Ronni_W said:

There is NOTHING, no spot, that does not somehow bring back a nostalgic memory of when he and I used to go for walks together. Stop the eff telling me to go for a 'nice and peaceful and relaxing' walk!!! -- it won't be any of that; it will be the opposite."

Ronni...this is me as well. Tom and I walked everywhere. There are places in the city where I always wanted to go walking and with Tom, I had the chance to do it. Now, it would bring me such sadness to walk those paths with just his memory. I did some walks with a friend of mine in another city every other weekend over these last few months. Those walking paths didn't hold any memories so it was easier. I'm hoping someday I'll be able to do some walks again here in the city.  My counselor mentioned an area of walking paths in the city that is a fair distance from where I live but it's on my agenda before the snow flies. 

[Robert D.]

Ronni W

That frosty was soooo dang good!!!!..(: 

I know your ice cream was too!! Thanks for sharing that with me!!! Your friend,

Robert....(:

[foreverhis]

6 hours ago, Ronni_W said:

Thanks, foreverhis.

I find that a lot of my fellow-grievers, especially the ones whose loss is still very new and raw, look to others to say what is 'normal' and 'understandable'.

I don't know how to get across the message that EVEN IF no-one else has the experience or thinks or has the opinion that how they are feeling, sensing and doing it, even if for no-one else -- exactly how it is going for them, and how they are feeling, sensing and doing it, is still perfectly 'normal' and 'understandable'.

Thanks, again.  Love and hugs to you.   Ronni

Ronni, that is very insightful.  I certainly often felt as if things I was thinking, feeling, and doing couldn't possibly be normal.  Talking to my one friend who knows, really knows, deep grief (loss of their infant daughter) was a godsend.  She and her husband both seemed to know just when to "nudge," when to back off, when to listen, and when to talk.  And I recently realized that they talked to some of our mutual friends to kind of "fill them in," so everyone close in my life never made me feel stupid or that I was/am grieving "wrong."

One of the most important things I found here almost immediately was a sense of not just belonging, but acceptance.  It helped so much.

Love and hugs to you as well.

[AJ4]

Quote

Finally I said to someone, "I *hate* walking in my neighbourhood now. There is NOTHING, no spot, that does not somehow bring back a nostalgic memory of when he and I used to go for walks together. Stop the eff telling me to go for a 'nice and peaceful and relaxing' walk!!! -- it won't be any of that; it will be the opposite."

 We're all different.  What makes one person feel good might make you too unhappy.   You have to do what is right for you!  Many hugs. 

 

[KayC]

George and I used to drive out in the woods to go on our walks...now I walk in my neighborhood, so I am doing something different.  What you guys are experiencing is totally normal in these circumstances and I totally get it.  (((hugs)))