Lost my fiance

[Cjbarnett97]

I lost my fiance of 8 years while sitting in the hospital and have no support and no one to talk to 

[PLin]

Sending you hugs CJ - it is so difficult to find yourself in this place. You can post here, there is lots of support. 

[Robert D.]

Cjbarnett97

I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my beloved wife of 23 years on August 11. What you are going through is only understood, as you understand it, by those who are going through the loss of someone you love. You came to the right place. And that is a major blessing for you and for us already here living this life. The people here know how you feel...really know how you feel....and know what you will go through...the heartache...unbearable days/nights....lonliness. But...we are here for you...and want you to know that. I will pray for you...and hope that you will come here and share as you can....We want you to do well....and as incredibly hard and sorrowful as it is and will be....you will get through this. You will be ok.

God bless!!

Robert

[Laura Vence]

I am so sorry. What a terrible loss. We've all been through something similar here. So please post more, and you will find this a supportive group.

Sending a big hug and deep condolences. 

Laura 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Cjbarnett97 said:

I lost my fiance of 8 years while sitting in the hospital and have no support and no one to talk to 

I am so sorry!  You have no family/friends you can call?  Wow.  It is so hard when we lose our person, the person we always turned to when we needed to talk, but they are the one that is gone this time.  I lost my husband over 17 years ago and I remember it like it was yesterday, everything I felt, the images, everything.  I think all of us do.  You have found good company here, the details vary and we all respond differently but we get each other and understand one another.  This is like a family, we care about each other, and now you are one of us, if you choose to.

I hope you'll continue to come here, to read and post, it helps us process our grief, to know we aren't totally alone in this.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[Jemiga70]

@Cjbarnett97  I am so sorry.  It is devastating.  My wife / soulmate of 15 yrs also passed in hospital.  It was sudden and totally unexpected.  I hope you are able to find some support.  Coming to this site and reading/posting might help a bit.  The video below was shared here some time ago; I've found it helpful because the counselor focuses on sudden loss and what it means.  You may find it comforting.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwvEEM19RQY