Lost husband at 42 years

[cowsaregreat]

My story is complicated. I'd only been with my husband 10 months when he passed away (it was an accident but drugs were found too). We'd talked for 3 years online before meeting. I moved from my home country (Australia) to meet and live with him in Canada.

He was emotionally and verbally abusive. He had many mental health issues and addictions. I tried my hardest to make it work and help him but I had to leave. I was scared and lonely and the fear in my gut told me to go. I left and 3 weeks later he spiralled and passed away.

I'm now living with a very complicated kind of grief and I feel so alone. I'm hoping to find support here if possible and meet others like myself who are feeling what I'm feeling (which I find it hard to define).

[KayC]

I am so sorry!  So you're back in Australia?  You did what you absolutely needed to do, you can't save the other person (into drugs or alcohol), only yourself and I know that sounds harsh after the fact, but it is true...I learned that the hard way, years ago.  Dr. Harley of MarriageBuilders.com and author of several marriage books says this! You did what you needed to.  But it's also hard to live with after learning of his death, PLEASE try not to give regrets a place in your heart, they are so common in early grief, even when there's nothing we could have done!  It's like we can't handle what happened so we try to rewrite it to make a different more palatable ending...only there isn't any, save what happened. 

Sending you comforting thoughts for the days ahead.  I know this is a tough road, it's been 17+ years for me, but I also know the love and missing them continues, although it evolves over time into something we can more easily bear.

I hope you'll continue to come here, to read and post, it helps us process our grief and know we are not alone in it.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[DWS]

2 hours ago, behindthedunes said:

I'm now living with a very complicated kind of grief and I feel so alone. I'm hoping to find support here if possible and meet others like myself who are feeling what I'm feeling (which I find it hard to define).

Hopefully when you are comfortable, you can start to define and share your thoughts here. I imagine much of what complicates this is those three wonderful years that the two of you spent communicating online. (I certainly have my own well-worn experiences about that.) That is likely the person and sweet times you are missing and grieving. Warmest hugs to you.

[PLin]

It is really difficult to try to communicate meaningfully with someone with addictions. You aren't really communicating with the person but with the substance. It sounds like you tried hard but in my experience it is an almost impossible situation. Now you have grief that is complicated by so many other emotions. You are in a good place here. People are kind and will listen without judgement. Sending you hugs.

[Robert D.]

behindthedunes

I am very sorry for your loss. The people here know intimately what it is to lose someone that you love. We are here for you and are hurting with you. You will receive care and kindness here... sharing of heartaches together....and wisdom to help in what you are going through now...and the days that are ahead. It will be difficult...and at times...unbearable....but we are here with you. Please share as you are able....

Praying for you now,

God bless!!!

Robert

[cowsaregreat]

Thank you everyone for all your kind words. It's very new still, he only passed 2 weeks ago and I think I'm still in the denial stage. My doctor gave me xanax to help with the anxiety because I've had an anxiety disorder my whole life (I've been on Lexapro for 20+ years).

I'm in the place where I'm either denying it's real one moment and thinking he'll message me (I logically know he won't but still...) and then feeling extremely guilty that I left him alone with all his problems and addictions. I tried for almost a year to get him to go to detox etc. After I left, he did go to detox for 12 days. He messaged after and said he's doing well, is a new man. I thought he was going to be ok. But he spiralled and now I'm blaming myself. Is this going to be how I feel forever? Because living with the guilt is killing me.

I'm not suicidal, I'm with my family back in my home country now. But knowing this is something I have to live with now is painful. The truth is, he was abusive but he didn't know he was, I'm sure of it. His mental health issues were many - bipolar, BPD, paranoid personality disorder, anxiety, depression, alcoholism  addiction. He was tormented, all his friends and family said the same. We were only separated for 3 weeks before he passed though and I did love him. It may have been trauma bond love and, like the above lovely commenter said, love for when we were talking/videoing online all those years, but it's still love. He was only 42 and I don't know if I'm grieving him the way I should be. Most days I'm busy, I'm doing something, anything to stop the thoughts. At night before bed and when I wake up I have a cry. I just don't know if what I'm thinking or feeling is right or normal. But I know grief isn't linear or the same for everyone.

Thank you all again for reading. It's comforting to know that others understand and care 🙏

[Robert D.]

behindthedunes

Please do not blame yourself. I have struggled with the self - blame too,...as many that go through this are want to do. It is not, never has been, and will never be your fault. When God is ready for His souls,...and He owns all of them...all of us, ..that soul, including you and I, will leave here. It is not your fault. It will never be your fault. This is life,...for all of us....we just do not go through it, until we really do go through it.....know what I'm saying? It was always...you know, someone else's problem...this losing someone we love thing. And by mere proximity to that person...we all were in a situation that none of us were or ever will be prepared for. Why? Because, it is above all of our pay grades. God, and God alone, has the final say on life....how long it goes here....and when it leaves here. He has the final say on all things. You have zero guilt period.

Your staying busy is very good. I did that today....walking at a park....visiting a family member...then a church event...and now back home. As you correctly say, or allude to, the grieving is different for all...and the crying, the thoughts being all over the place....that is what comes with this....we call it the 'fog' in here. You are going through exactly what we are. So, in that sense, it is what comes with this devastating loss. 

We are glad you are here. I want you to know that everyone in here has been in this for different lengths of time. I'm only 3 months in...but others are much longer in this...and they have lots of wisdom and understanding and insight about how to get through this. You will most definitely hear....one day at a time....don't make big decisions.....relax if you can, be easy on yourself...you are experiencing serious emotional trauma....and just know that over time...even at my small amount of time being in this....the time is on your side....hard days, moments, nights...yes. But, you will get through this...as I am getting through this!!! We will succeed. I prayed for you earlier, as I said. I'm very glad you posted again....and I will pray for you now.

God bless!!

Your friend,

Robert

[cowsaregreat]

Thank you Robert, truly. Your kind words and wisdom I'll re-read, I'm sure of it. I'm trying my best to stop the guilt and I know it'll always be there somewhere but I logically know thinking what I should have done or could have done is futile. So I'll keep coming to this forum and keep myself busy. Thanks again for your kindness and your prayers, I truly appreciate it 🙏

[Robert D.]

behindthedunes

You are welcome!! I know it's easy to know that we are not responsible.... but...in our humanity....we both know how we are....we have a very hard time accepting the truth of the matter. But...you are most welcome. We will always be here for you....and I want you to remember that...ok. It can..and will..get dark at times. But do not give up...not ever. You will do fine...and you will be ok....I know this...because I am living it. I don't like it...I hate it...but...here we are. Let us overcome...day by day..step by step...trusting in the Lord who knows what He is doing...even though we do not understand at times....and leave those extremely heavy burdens where He wants them....with Him, and not on our shoulders. He will sustain the both of us!!!

Your friend, 

Robert

[KayC]

Most all of us go through all of the "what ifs" in early grief in an effort to find some different possible ending as the one that happened is unfathomable....only to find there really is only one outcome and that's the outcome that happened.

I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings...
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Address Guilt When Grieving
and this video is helpful as well:

 

[cowsaregreat]

Thank you 🙏

[Annie330]

My partner is 44, he was exactly the same as this and is now is in intensive care and not expected to pull through. I'm devastated I guess the difference is though I knew there was something wrong and it came up in his blood tests and genetics. He had a copper transporter disorder so builds up in the brain and causes behavioural and psychiatric issues including addictions and bipolar etc. So I knew there was something wrong with him. I tried and tried to get formal help but hardly anyone knows about it when I finally left him he went down hill within three weeks too. 

Like you I feel lost and alone, he was the strongest connection I had in this world 😞 

[Robert D.]

Annie 330

I just prayed to the Lord for your partner...and for you. I am very sorry to hear of this very hard thing he is going through...and that you are going through. You came to a very good place...with very good people in here who have gone through very similar things....and you will find compassion and kindness here ...All of us here have been through devastating loss...and suffering....and we truly understand what you are going through. Again, I am very sorry this is happening....I will keep you and your love in my prayers to the Lord. 

God bless

Robert

[Annie330]

19 minutes ago, Robert D. said:

Annie 330

I just prayed to the Lord for your partner...and for you. I am very sorry to hear of this very hard thing he is going through...and that you are going through. You came to a very good place...with very good people in here who have gone through very similar things....and you will find compassion and kindness here ...All of us here have been through devastating loss...and suffering....and we truly understand what you are going through. Again, I am very sorry this is happening....I will keep you and your love in my prayers to the Lord. 

God bless

Robert

 

[Annie330]

Thank you I lost my first beloved husband 10 years ago due to pharmaceutical brain injury and the grief was so much it nearly engulfed now. I'm now going through the same again after spending years and years getting over that. I'm so sorry for your loss too life can be very tough sometimes. 

[Robert D.]

Annie330

Thank you! I lost my beloved wife of 23 years on August 11. So...I am very early in this ....and I am so very thankful for those in here who truly understand this grief...and they will share what they've gone through and know about it with you....Yes, this life is very tough....I come home to no one now ..I keep the sound on the TV just to hear people....It is like cascading levels of emotions and sorrows depending on the day or moment....but....I go on....one day at a time....dealing with what's there you know....And, knowing that you have already gone through this....i know that you will make it through this too. I am really sorry for what your love is going through....keep coming here....you will find comfort and help. God bless!! Your friend,

Robert

[Annie330]

Oh no that's so sad, the first two years are always the hardest and then the sadness gets a little easier to bear. I just remember feeling like each hour seemed so long like I was living prison sentence. Things that helped me were aerobic exercise for the serotonin and the endorphins, swimming for the mediative effect it has and adopting a rescue dog who was starving when they found her (and then very attached to me) and volunteering. There are no real answers of course everyone is different but it does feel like a battle to get through it. 

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Annie330 said:

There are no real answers of course everyone is different but it does feel like a battle to get through it. 

Truer words were never spoken.  I am so sorry for your loss.  You hung in there with him through the tough times and now to lose him, it seems really hard...because it is.  My heart goes out to you.  Thank you for sharing the things that have helped you, I too find that adopting a dog (and seven months ago, a feral cat...outdoors only) has been the world to me.  

I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post as it helps process our grief and know we are not alone in what we're going through.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.