What I'm feeling is normal

[Kevin O]

Had an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday.  Wanted to let him know that for the past 2 weeks I was taking my partner's low dose Xanax.  One at night around 8ish when my loneliness really kicks in. Just takes the edge off.  Not every night. 4 nights last week.  3 nights this week. I was exploring getting my own prescription and wanted to discuss it with him.   I find it extremely difficult to mention Bob's passing without crying.  Doesn't matter who it is.  Even when he receives a spam call and I ask them to remove his name because he has died, I start crying.  Never lasts for long and I'm only mentioning this because when the doctor's intake person asked what the purpose of my visit was, I started to cry.  She was very nice but very young and felt the need to tell me that dying was just part of life.  She meant no harm, but I told her that my reaction to his death is completely normal.  The doctor came in and we discussed my concerns and how I am feeling.  I told him I was tired, angry, anxious, confused, lost, etc.  And I told him that I've done a lot of reading on grieving and about this group forum and that what I am feeling is completely normal.  I used the normal as often as I could just to make him aware that I am going through a normal grieving process.  He suggested that maybe an anti-depressant might be helpful.  It would help with the symptoms i described. I told him that I'm not ruling that out but at this point in my grieving process what I am experiencing in completely normal.  

If you repeat the word normal enough maybe it will be heard.  Maybe.

Do I enjoy feeling lonely, sad, anxious, angry, etc most/all of the time?  Absolutely not!  Do I want something that will take away the feeling of being human with human emotions?  Not at this point in time.  And that's just for me.  If someone chooses to go that route more power to them.  Everyone is different and everyone is doing the best they can.  And if I decide at some point in time that I need medication then so be it.  But right now, I need to feel what I'm feeling.  

I lost someone that I loved for 20 years and just over 2 months is a fraction of that.  I'm grieving that loss.    And I don't know how long that will last.  I have no time frame.  

I received the summary of the visit from my doctor.  He wrote something like 'Patient has done a lot of reading and believes what he is experiencing is normal'. SO HE WAS LISTENING (not that I didn't think he wasn't listening, but I wasn't sure what he was thinking)

[widower2]

And this is why I would never go to a GP about depression any more than I'd go to a therapist for a sprained elbow. They are experts in physically-based pain, not emotional (the wording your doctor used I think shows that clearly). But it sounds like you have a very good perspective on it, and that's in your favor. Really there is no "normal" about this, or maybe a better way to say it is it's all "normal." Whatever works for you. 

When my beloved passed, among the meds she left behind were some oxycontins. I'm not ashamed to say I took them off and on on my worst days, not every day (granted earlier on it was close to it). I know people would freak, omg they're addictive etc...well I took enough to know that's not an issue for me. Again I took them regularly early on, but knew I couldn't keep it up if I wanted to have them in reserve when I needed them most, so I eased off over time. Not everyone has that addictive tendency or gene or whatever. So again I say go with what works, and if that's Xanax sometimes, why not.

[DWS]

2 hours ago, Kevin O said:

He suggested that maybe an anti-depressant might be helpful.  It would help with the symptoms i described. I told him that I'm not ruling that out but at this point in my grieving process what I am experiencing in completely normal.  

It's good that, despite the nightmare you're going through, you're able to maintain some self-awareness and confidence in yourself to know that what you're experiencing is totally normal and expected. 

Three or four weeks after my partner's passing, a not-so-close friend of mine who had recently retired from working within the mental health field made the suggestion that a mild anti-depressant might help if I found myself not improving emotionally. I was appalled. My thinking is if I wanted to take something to ease my troubled mind, I'd approach that but to have someone suggest it so early on....particularly from the mental health field...got me angry. This loss calls for deep sorrow, confusion, numbness, emptiness, feelings of defeat and despair...with no expectation of when it will ease. My love for my partner, my love for our relationship, and my love for myself is worth everything that I'm going through. There's nothing else....and yeah, I'll now continue on living and see whatever's in store for me down the road but I'll be doing it with a sad face at times because that's normal. This wasn't just a blip...some hurdle in my life journey...the significance is far far greater. 

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, Kevin O said:

Do I enjoy feeling lonely, sad, anxious, angry, etc most/all of the time?  Absolutely not!  Do I want something that will take away the feeling of being human with human emotions?  Not at this point in time.  And that's just for me.  If someone chooses to go that route more power to them.  Everyone is different and everyone is doing the best they can.  And if I decide at some point in time that I need medication then so be it.  But right now, I need to feel what I'm feeling.

I think that whatever helps us is good.  Well, except for things that actively harm us like getting blackout drunk every day--though I drank too much a number of nights at first, never blackout, but enough that I felt crappy the next day and not at all better.  Just as we are each on unique grief journeys, what helps or hurts each of us is unique.  Absolutely, what you are feeling is normal because all emotions are normal in grief.  The only thing that would be of major concern is truly feeling suicidal to the point of making plans or acting on them.  I'm glad to hear that your doctor was listening because so many of them do not.  Mine does.  Ever since John died, he spends the first 5-10 minutes of my quarterly exams talking about my grief/emotions.

I have multiple health conditions.  One of the medications I have been taking for many years is a half-dose of bupropion, a multi-use drug that is usually prescribed as an anti-depressant.  In my case, it helps with certain auto-immune symptoms.  After John died, my doctor increased it to the lowest clinical dose for situational depression.  I was hesitant at first, as I am with all medications, but ultimately decided to listen to him because he's not a "pill pusher" and only prescribes when he believes it's truly helpful.

Now, I can't say what any anti-depressant would be like for you, but the small dose really helped me.  It did not and does not take away any of the myriad emotions and pain of my grief.  It simply allows me to focus a bit better and, especially the first 2 years, get through the waves of grief.  I was never suicidal, but I sure didn't care about living.  I may take it for the rest of my life and I'm okay with that because I have virtually no side effects. 

But as the saying goes, "you do you" and only you can decide if something like that will help you.  It's possible a mild anti-depressant might help you manage your emotions and shattered heart without masking your feelings.  I know some strong ones can make people feel like zombies, but those don't seem to be recommended for situational depression.  I guess what I'm really saying is please don't torture yourself if you realize you have fallen into "the dark pit" and keep descending.  You'll know if/when because you know yourself best.

As for that xanax.  It's been an absolute godsend for me.  I already had a low dose prescription to help with anxiety when I have really bad flare ups of various health problems.  My doctor allowed me to take it as often as needed for the first 2 years, during the day when I felt like I was coming apart at the seams and definitely at night to help me get more than the 2-4 hours of often interrupted sleep I was getting.  I didn't much like taking it during the day.  While it helped quite a bit with my anxiety, it also made me even more fatigued than usual and made it even harder to think through my already bad brain fog.  But for night?  Oh yes, it helps so much and I don't wake with a "hangover" like I did with a standard sleeping pill we tried short term.  According to my doctors, I do not have an "addictive body or brain chemistry."  I've never needed more than the original dose and now average 5-7 hours of sleep, though it's often still split. 

It sounds like xanax is good for you right now, so I hope your doctor will agree.  No matter what we do, there's no hiding from our grief.  I agree with you that trying to ignore, mask, or push it away is the worst thing we can do because sooner or later, it will demand our attention.

 

[widower2]

2 hours ago, DWS said:

Three or four weeks after my partner's passing, a not-so-close friend of mine who had recently retired from working within the mental health field made the suggestion that a mild anti-depressant might help if I found myself not improving emotionally. I was appalled. My thinking is if I wanted to take something to ease my troubled mind, I'd approach that but to have someone suggest it so early on....particularly from the mental health field...got me angry. This loss calls for deep sorrow, confusion, numbness, emptiness, feelings of defeat and despair...with no expectation of when it will ease. My love for my partner, my love for our relationship, and my love for myself is worth everything that I'm going through. There's nothing else....and yeah, I'll now continue on living and see whatever's in store for me down the road but I'll be doing it with a sad face at times because that's normal. This wasn't just a blip...some hurdle in my life journey...the significance is far far greater. 

I respect but regret that you felt that way about your not so close friend who suggested an anti-depressant. It's a reasonable suggestion IMO to say the least and frankly while I can understand disagreeing with, I don't understand being appalled by such a suggestion. If you wanted to experience grief to the fullest in all of its sorrow, confusion, emptiness, etc etc, more power to you, but FYI not everyone feels that way, and I don't imply there's a right or wrong there, in fact just the opposite, everyone has their own way. My beloved left behind some oxycontins for example and I had no problem using them early on to get through the darkest and insane of times. To hell with experiencing that in its fullest. I'd had more than enough pain thank you very much and was all for relieving that in whatever way I could. 

[KayC]

Depression vs symtomatic depression in grief

I gave it many years (anxiety not depression) before getting help with anxiety and sleep.  I only wish I'd done it sooner.  I'd thought it a permanent solution on a temporary situation...wrong.  I only made it harder on myself by toughing it out.   Unapologetic!

[DWS]

6 hours ago, widower2 said:

not everyone feels that way, and I don't imply there's a right or wrong there, in fact just the opposite, everyone has their own way. My beloved left behind some oxycontins for example and I had no problem using them early on to get through the darkest and insane of times. 

The difference here is that that was something you saw available and felt it was needed to help yourself. It wasn't based on someone else's suggestion or recommendation. My reason for being appalled was that I felt he was judging my emotions and reactions and coming up with his own conclusion which then actually scared me. That wasn't what I was needing from someone just making a friendly call of condolence. If I had made the suggestion or inquiry to him...wondering if I should take something to help me through those days of early grief...that then opens a conversation that he could help me with. What I felt in that confusing, beaten moment was that he didn't see my grief as normal. It also told me that he was not one who had been through this personally. It would be a few days later when two people outside of my usual orbit...both of whom had lost their partners...contacted me and it was they who brought me much needed relief of this normalcy of grieving reactions. I had already been reading and watching anything grief-related but getting reassurance and solace from people that I knew who had been through this meant everything to me....and it's why this site has been so helpful. 

[Sparky1]

I have a lot of arthritis in almost all my joints and also chronic scatica. The doctor prescribes me percs to help out when needed. The first few weeks that my wife passed away were really brutal and I used to take a perc in the evening to relax me a bit. Thankfully I am able to control them and can stop at any time, I just don't like the after effects the next morning. Now, I just take the odd one when the aches become a little too much. But like all of us here, if something can get you by for that raw grief, I feel it's okay to use whatever helps you out. As long as that substance doesn't cause more harm than good.

[widower2]

7 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I have a lot of arthritis in almost all my joints and also chronic scatica. The doctor prescribes me percs to help out when needed. The first few weeks that my wife passed away were really brutal and I used to take a perc in the evening to relax me a bit. Thankfully I am able to control them and can stop at any time, I just don't like the after effects the next morning. Now, I just take the odd one when the aches become a little too much. But like all of us here, if something can get you by for that raw grief, I feel it's okay to use whatever helps you out. As long as that substance doesn't cause more harm than good.

Exactly (and ouch...I have sciatica too, though not chronic, at least not yet. I asked about meds for it but my Dr instead suggested physical therapy).

[Sparky1]

52 minutes ago, widower2 said:

Exactly (and ouch...I have sciatica too, though not chronic, at least not yet. I asked about meds for it but my Dr instead suggested physical therapy).

I also get cortisone injections in the lower lumbar area when the pain becomes intolerable. Usually once or twice a year. I've had two cortisone shots in each knee and shoulder as well. The right shoulder isn't doing too good and I have had tons of therapy as well. I have to talk with the doctor as to what my next option is. I joked with him if he had an injection for an all in one. Guess I'll have to wait for the afterlife to get a new body.

[Kevin O]

14 hours ago, KayC said:

Depression vs symtomatic depression in grief

I gave it many years (anxiety not depression) before getting help with anxiety and sleep.  I only wish I'd done it sooner. 

Kay C.  I will keep that in mind.  There is no need to torture myself needlessly if I don't have to.   Currently this is how my mind is working.  NO I will not be taking anti-depressants.  UM MAYBE I will get the prescription just in case.  NO let's wait and see.  NOPE not gonna do it.  Maybe I'll take a xanax tonight.  No not needed.  Maybe tomorrow night.  Well maybe tonight.  So once again I need to tell myself that this is normal.  And to that I've started to add AND EXPECTED (thank you DWS). And while this is not 'normal' behavior it is normal and expected for me in these early stages of grief. 

There are minutes scattered throughout my day when I feel okay.  Like I know I'm going to get through this.  Then out of nowhere the grief comes crawling back.  I can feel it in the pit of my stomach.  Then I'm back to square one. But for those minutes I feel hope.  And that's all I can ask for right now.

 

[widower2]

Sorry to hear but it sounds very familiar. It's an uneven path to say the least. There will be ups and downs. I think you have a good (realistic) perspective on it, and that will help. I say with confidence that you will get through it!

[KayC]

23 hours ago, DWS said:

The difference here is that that was something you saw available and felt it was needed to help yourself. It wasn't based on someone else's suggestion or recommendation. My reason for being appalled was that I felt he was judging my emotions and reactions and coming up with his own conclusion which then actually scared me. That wasn't what I was needing from someone just making a friendly call of condolence. If I had made the suggestion or inquiry to him...wondering if I should take something to help me through those days of early grief...that then opens a conversation that he could help me with. What I felt in that confusing, beaten moment was that he didn't see my grief as normal. It also told me that he was not one who had been through this personally. It would be a few days later when two people outside of my usual orbit...both of whom had lost their partners...contacted me and it was they who brought me much needed relief of this normalcy of grieving reactions. I had already been reading and watching anything grief-related but getting reassurance and solace from people that I knew who had been through this meant everything to me....and it's why this site has been so helpful. 

Very well articulated and understandable!  I, too, would resent someone's inserting themselves in that way.

@Kevin O  I should mention, I have had GAD all my life and it was high time I start taking an anti-anxiety Rx, I researched and found the mildest I could, I don't have side effects, it is NOT an SSRI, and I elected not to take an antidepressant because I don't feel depressed, just the natural "depression" from grief in the early years, I feel no judgment towards those who do, it's an individual decision, but I think my antianxiety meds (Buspar/Buspirone) I should have been on years before, grief only hastened my anxiety but it's been there all my life, in fact, it's definitely in my family.  It doesn't 100% remove anxiety or make me a zombie, but rather it takes the edge off a bit, enough so I can cope.

[foreverhis]

On 10/28/2022 at 5:43 AM, DWS said:

My reason for being appalled was that I felt he was judging my emotions and reactions and coming up with his own conclusion which then actually scared me. That wasn't what I was needing from someone just making a friendly call of condolence. If I had made the suggestion or inquiry to him...wondering if I should take something to help me through those days of early grief...that then opens a conversation that he could help me with. What I felt in that confusing, beaten moment was that he didn't see my grief as normal. It also told me that he was not one who had been through this personally. It would be a few days later when two people outside of my usual orbit...both of whom had lost their partners...contacted me and it was they who brought me much needed relief of this normalcy of grieving reactions.

This makes sense to me.  And I appreciate you clarifying your reactions and what led to them.  Unsolicited advice is so frustrating.  No wonder you felt the way you did.  I'm glad that you were able to connect with two people who understand fully (though, of courses, I am very sorry that they do).  It helps to just have someone who has been there or who is there say, "I get it.  I really do."

[KayC]

And often people who are "fixers" offer advice without even realizing it, just what we need!  (NOT)  I have a sister like that and I learned not to talk to her when I'm in certain mindsets...unfortunately it's something I've learned about myself that I have to curb as well, comes from 17 years on my own.  Ugh.  I apologize to anyone I've offended with this trait.

 

[steveb1]

Kevin, It takes guts to express your feelings.  I wish I would have taken advantage of more resources to help with my grief because the pain was simply tearing me apart. Like it does all of us.  I took a doctor prescribed sleep med. It helped me get a few hours sleep at least, but the side effects weren’t worth it.

This forum helped me immensely. There are some wonderful people that post here. And, they get it.