My husband's first birthday in heaven

[Lost7]

October 30th will be my husband's first birthday in heaven. He use to get excited every year....I would bake his favorite cake...yellow cake with chocolate icing and decorate it. It would thrill him. We would go out to dinner. I feel physically sick. I am not looking forward to it. Our children will come over Sunday along with my mother-in-law to celebrate him. It soon will be 10 months without him for me.  I miss him so very much... completely heart broken.

lost7 

[foreverhis]

I'm so sorry.  All the firsts are incredibly painful.  There's no way around that.  If things become too much for you on Sunday, please tell your family.  They may not understand, though they are grieving too, but if you need some quiet time alone, then you should have it.

May I urge you to talk to your husband?  I mean this sincerely.  It's my firm belief that they can hear us.  And sometimes, not often because I believe it takes great effort, we know that they are here with us, quite literally in spirit.

Here's my most recent story for why I believe this to be true (as related to one of my sisters, who replied, "Of course he is"):

Saturday was the yearly day to change the filters in the reverse osmosis unit under the sink. An easy year as it’s just the three bottom ones plus checking a dozen connections, sterilizing the filter housings, resetting the main feed line, and purging the system.  I have done it every year since John died. I even did the hard year (every 5-6 years) where the R/O membrane and the in-line post filter have to be removed from the system and replaced with new threaded snap fittings after a special sanitizing process.

This time the third filter housing, furthest toward the back, would not loosen with the special wrench. I tried and tried and got out a strap wrench, but no luck.  I pushed so hard that I managed to yank the entire unit off its screw brackets. And rip one of the two screws (the back one, of course) right off the wall. I was sweating, my hands, wrists, and shoulders were killing me, and I was trying to balance the thing with two bottom filters off and one heavy filter attached, deal with the catch water container, and a watch a dozen line connectors I didn’t want to disrupt and have to redo.

I was so frustrated and upset that I literally yelled (okay, more like screamed) to John, “Help me!…Help me!” Not a minute later the unit was balanced against the wall so I could put in a new screw and I had the inspiration to get my mini hammer to tap-tap-tap against one of the raised ridges to loosen the housing. It worked. Then I hoisted the whole thing back up, set it on the screw brackets, which aren’t visible, so it’s by feel, and continued from there.

I swear I could practically hear him saying, "Deep breath. I'm here. You've got this." Maybe I am just a weirdo who thinks yelling to him for help actually makes a difference. Other times, I am 100% convinced I can feel his hand on my shoulder and hear his voice in my head.

So that's my latest "mysterious ways" story and why I have faith that when we talk to our soul mates, they hear us.  Please, talk to him.  Cry, tell him you love him and miss him, and anything else that might help you feel that spiritual connection through the veil that separates us from our loves for now.  I can't guarantee it will help you, but even now 4 years later, it helps me.

I'm sending huge ((HUGS)) to you and will keep you in my heart this weekend.

 

[April Ballou]

@Lost7 I'm sorry that you are having to deal with the first birthday.   I understand that feeling all to well.  I will be praying for you. 

[Lost7]

April thank you so much I really do appreciate the prayers. 

Lost7 

[Lost7]

@Sim7079 and @foreverhis thank you so much for your support. I have been through grief share and counseling and nothing has helped me as much as everyone on this forum. I do talk with my husband everyday sometimes all day long and I am grateful that I had so many years with him.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your suggestions and your care It really means a lot to me.

Blessings Lost7 

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, Lost7 said:

I have been through grief share and counseling and nothing has helped me as much as everyone on this forum. I do talk with my husband everyday sometimes all day long and I am grateful that I had so many years with him.

For me as well.  I didn't go to a grief therapist or in person grief support groups because they're not just for me.  But I do have two small, loyal, and loving circles of family and friends (locally and a few hours away) who continue to be here for me.  They love me and John as well.  They understand as much as they can, but know with certainty that they cannot "get it" the way the members here do.  And, as I have told my sisters, I hope they don't understand like that for a very, very long time.

It's the members here, the wonderful, comforting people who are walking the same journey I am who have helped me the most.  Though we are all on our own paths, we are on the same unwelcome, painful road together.  That meant so much to me in my first painful months and it still does now that I'm 4 years down the road.

I'm so glad you talk to your husband.  At first, I talked to John all the time.  I ranted, cried, and questioned.  I told him I couldn't do this life without him, but more, I didn't want to.  I asked him to "come get me."  After the first 2 years, I noticed that I was talking to him out loud less, but always felt him in my heart and mind.  To this day, I will say, "I'm home" when I walk in the door.  I talk to him casually about many things.  And I do ask (or scream) for him to help me sometimes.  I think it helps, even if it turns out I'm wrong and he can't hear me.  (I'm pretty sure I'm not wrong.)

There's a movie called Always (a remake of A Guy Named Joe).  John and I really liked it, especially since planes were a big part of our lives, and faith and spirituality are so important to us.  And so I often think of this when I'm talking to John or when I feel as if he's just out of reach, but still here with me.  Richard Dreyfuss' character Pete dies in a plane crash.  He goes to an "in between" place where Audrey Hepburn's character Hap tells him what he needs to do to find heaven.  In this scene, Pete has just described his first solo flight, how suddenly everything seemed perfect.

 

Hap: You think you did that by yourself?

 

Pete:  There was nobody else up there with me.

 

There was, Pete. There was someone like you.  Behind him was someone else. Maybe someone who learned what he learned on a motorized box kite.

And you knew that, though you had a different word for it.

 

I did? What word?

 

It's what fliers and piano players...and everyone else count on.  They reach for it. They pray for it.   And often, just when they need it most, they get it.

It's breathed into them.  It's what the word means. Spiritus.  The divine breath. Inspiration.  And now it's your turn to give it back.  That's how the whole thing works.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Lost7 said:

October 30th will be my husband's first birthday in heaven.

Thinking of you as Sunday approaches....

13 hours ago, foreverhis said:

So that's my latest "mysterious ways" story and why I have faith that when we talk to our soul mates, they hear us.

Thank you for sharing that.  With my hand injuries it makes it nigh impossible to do such things...the mind is willing, the hands are weak.

 

[April Ballou]

There's something I realized,  this forum has helped with my grieving process.  But God has helped and still is helping.  Throughout my journey I couldn't have done it without God.  This forum has people just like me.  Lonely , scared, hurt, and sad. We all have to find our way through this.  My loving husband of 38 years will always hold a special place in my heart.  For the most part I am alone.  My children have their own lives and their own families.   I have nobody else.  My blood relatives are either gone or disowned me.  My in laws,  I guess have decided that I'm not their family.  But that's ok.  I know that God is with me.

There's something I realized,  this forum has helped with my grieving process.  But God has helped and still is helping.  Throughout my journey I couldn't have done it without God.  This forum has people just like me.  Lonely , scared, hurt, and sad. We all have to find our way through this.  My loving husband of 38 years will always hold a special place in my heart.  For the most part I am alone.  My children have their own lives and their own families.   I have nobody else.  My blood relatives are either gone or disowned me.  My in laws,  I guess have decided that I'm not their family.  But that's ok.  I know that God is with me.

 

 

[Carol34]

Lost 7, I'll be thinking of you on Oct 30th. 

I typed a lot more, but erased it.  It didn't make sense.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, April Ballou said:

My in laws,  I guess have decided that I'm not their family.

Mine too, right away, three of them came to his funeral, that was it...he came from a large family (11 kids) all but one within driving distance, one deceased.  In our situation it's probably for the best, although I cared about one of his brothers, he's trouble, and another manipulative and conniving, the youngest sister the most (mentally) healthy but busy with her own family, it's complicated.  I'm sorry your in-laws cut you off, that is a bitter pill after 38 years being in their family!!! 

19 hours ago, April Ballou said:

But God has helped and still is helping.

And He will never ditch us or forsake us. 

 

[April Ballou]

@KayC your right God will never leave us nor forsake us.  People on this earth may disown me or stop having anything to do with me.  But I can always rely on God.  

[KayC]

@April Ballou I was reminded of this the last two days, He sent people to me when I felt so on my own, one to take me to lunch and encourage me, and the other to work on my car.  He even washed it.  God is here, and He sees/hears us, He cares.  We aren't totally alone, even though it feels it sometimes..