Starting to consider if it's time to start taking things down

[Robert D.]

I will be 3 months into this grief journey not long from now.. and I am starting to consider if it is now time to start making an attempt at taking a few things down.. such as some pictures and maybe a few other things scattered around the house that remind me of my beloved JoAnn. There will be some things I just can't do right now.. like her sewing room and everything in it it would take too much out of me to do it ...out of my heart right now.. but there are some things that I see all the time... pictures I have... that are in  different places...,  that maybe I should consider taking them down, in an effort to start dealing with this more,... dealing with this aspect of the grief more.

I also am going to start looking at going to some events and getting involved in something two or three days a week to keep me out of my house more often.. maybe some high school games or maybe a class at St Clair College also going to the Y and working out.

I believe that the next step in my grief journey is to start being proactive and start giving competition to the sorrow and the grief, instead of just enduring it all the time..... I don't mean not going through it necessarily, but just doing something that benefits me while I'm going through it.

[Ronni_W]

Dear Robert D.,

How I did it was to "go by sense and feel". For photos and such that were on display, I'd just take them down but not yet put them into 'archive storage'...just in a drawer or out of my 'line of sight'. Some of them have stayed there, some of them have gone into a more permanent storage, some of them came back out within 24 hours or a week, but were hung up on different walls or put on different 'display cases'.

Other things...like his tools. I'm still completely at a loss. I mostly just don't even open those closets and storage spaces unless I need a light-bulb, hammer or screw-driver. (After 2 years, I managed to move his clothes that I kept, from "his" closet to the closet in the spare bedroom.) I'm even still coming across stuff that I've not yet looked at, and then just cry and, the next day, sit in some 'stillness' (as best I can) and try to decide what I want to do with this new stuff. A lot of it...most of it...I know that I won't ever use or need.

Like you, I'm also just doing my best to do what feels most beneficial at the time. (I move stuff around all the time, but I'm much more careful to not actually get rid of anything until I feel truly okay with doing that, emotionally, physically, metaphysically, spiritually, psychologically. I figure: as long I don't feel really super-sure about 'garbaging' it, then I'm keeping it, even if out of line-of-sight. This has helped me to 'detach' from some of the stuff. But, sometimes, like with his drafting pencils and rulers...nah! I'm still keeping that. It doesn't take up that much physical space, anyway.  His bigger tools, expensive tools, nice and important tools. No idea, yet. Leaving them right where they are, and I'll deal with them when it feels 'right and ready' to do that.)

I think that I'd offer...yes, do whatever feels will help, support, encourage and benefit you. I get, from my own experience, that it isn't any attempt on our part, to try to just ignore or deny or just try to "skip over" any parts of our unique grief journey and experience.

Wishing you strength and the best in this part of your unique grief journey and experience.   Ronni

[Robert D.]

Ronni W

I appreciate that answer so much!! I really do....thank you for explaining the ins and outs of it...various things to relocate...or keep...or when really ready...to discard, if you will.....just a really good answer....it is such a 'not all fits everyone' thing we are all going through....and...so many emotional variables....and the timeline(s) are different for everybody...depending on so many different things.....

I am starting to make some decisions that are momentous...and really, too big for me to make right now being only 2 1/2 to 3 months in this night/day mare. So...I wanted to run this by you guys/gals in here....because, I don't want to take JoAnn's pictures down...but....but...I am starting to find out that I have to make some steps towards my new world...horrible world...without her. And..., it's not that I want her completely out of my sight...I do have her on my phone...I touch her picture everytime I see it...but, I have to really accept the reality of this thing....and, at some point....in order to do that...I will have to hide/store some of her things....I mean, right now, her shoes are all lined up next to her side of the bed...I kiss her robe hanging in the bathroom every single time I pass it...if I forget, I turn around.....Her sewing room is THE sewing room of all time....I walk in there every day to put up the blinds and I kiss her sweater that is on the ironing board..

So...I guess what I'm saying is...and I am extremely raw being this early in this....is that...it is getting very loud that...for me to survive this....I have to 'try' ...try to start moving on....how? I do not know....I can easily see me never ever moving her pictures....or...moving them...but them coming right back out.

I recently took my ring off. I still have it off. I never thought that I would ever remove it. But....I do not see me getting through this grief.. or dealing with it correctly....if I do not make some starts....although there are many fits, as it were.

Thank you again for an excellent answer....a detailed and thoughtful explanation...share...of where you are at in your grief journey. I am helped by that quite a bit.

Thank you!

Robert 

[AJ4]

I have been going only by my own feelings, not by amount of time or anyone else's schedule.  So at one point it seemed like the right time to let go of certain clothes, or other items (I'd say at least 90 % of them are still in the closet though).  For me it is very slow, I feel no real rush.  So I wait until the time when my heart tells me "I think you can let this one item go now, or this set of items".  
My husband's robe still hangs on its same hook as always, and I sometimes take it down and give it a hug.  
Some of his clothes that fit me I'm actually wearing (I used to steal stuff out of his closet that didn't fit him that well and tell him "I'm taking this since you're not wearing it" when he was still here- like t shirts and that type thing.  .  I'm more of a unisex dresser anyway- and I like my clothes to fit loose. 
I haven't moved any pictures.  I also have a big box of ensure that someone gave us that he didn't like- when he was having a hard time eating anything.  I really should get rid of that at least.  

[Robert D.]

Aj4

I feel this way too....by my own shedule....I'm just trying to...these days....trying to decide what to do....With each passing day it gets more real and final....and...I don't really ever want to move or store her pictures....I would feel so horrible doing it...just the thought of it....but...then I wonder....am I going to have to to survive this thing. So ...just ....searching....

Thank you!!

Robert

[Ronni_W]

That's the thing. Confusing changing around a bunch of "stuff", and thinking that it means something else and something other than just what it is.

Took me a long time to come to my own 'insight' that it doesn't mean that I'm looking to "minimize" or even "forget" him in any way, shape or form at all. (As if I could even do that, even if I wanted to!)

As was so said, though, it is so not a "one-size fits all". There is no one way or any way of "dealing with it correctly". There is no "correctly" or "correct" way! (Quite honestly, for me personally, I did the exact 'opposite' of what's been shared here {in this particular thread}; I still do the exact opposite -- sometimes, when I pass his photo, or an object that was special to him, I have to remind myself, "Hey, Ronni...why don't you go back and say 'Hi' to him/his image in the photo?")

Um. So I had an 'akashic reading' in the past month or so. Specifically asked, "What does he want me to do about his tools???" (With appropriate amount of humour and 'WTF?') Turns out that, once we get to Bardo...     He was asked, "Do you know what 'tools' are?" and his answer was, "No...not really." (But, here on Earth, I've been worrying about his tools and what to do with them for the past 2 years!)

It -- the "stuff" and tools and sewing rooms and bathrobes and clothes that I kept and tools that I don't know how the heck deal with -- doesn't matter to them, anymore. It only still matters to us. So, do with it how will help us.

So, there's that. Also. We're not going to 'lose' them, just because we change some "stuff". We won't ever lose our memories of them. We're always going to love them, with or without any of the "stuff" that we still identify with them, or still think we need to stay connected with them. We are not, EVER, going to lose our emotional-memory connection. (Not even if we want to, or try really hard.) We will love them and remember them forever.     Ronni

[Ronni_W]

3 hours ago, Robert D. said:

[...]   I recently took my ring off. I still have it off.   [...]

Robert D., thank you for your earlier kind words, and for taking the time to let me know that maybe...maybe I did help in some way.

Specifically about your wedding ring, it wouldn't leave my mind. I so totally do get it. The 'removing' it part. There are different ways, I've been thinking, but not a single one that necessarily will fit for you. (I more was trying to think about...how would *I* do that? -- being that we, individual human Beings as we still are, each and only and individually, always only have our own, personal, subjective mind and perspective.)

If ever/whenever it feels 'right and ready' for you personally. you could wear it on a chain around your neck. Or put any gem into a different setting (well...maybe not you yourself, but have it professionally done <gentle 'laughing out loud'>.) Or...just leave it sitting over there on you dresser, and in the next year or 10 or 20, just start wearing it again.

(For me and my jewelry that he gave me...this is how I'm doing it. Wear it today, don' wear it tomorrow. Depends how I 'sense and feel' on any given day, in any give moment.)

Again, wishing you all of everything that you need.   Ronni

[SharedLife]

I rather quickly removed most of her clothing--seeing it there in the closet was just too painful.  But I've kept pictures in place--many of them are of good times we shared, and when I'm feeling down I try to focus on the good times. She picked out virtually everything in the house and sometimes I'm reminded of her when I look at a vase or candles or a piece of furniture she chose. It's now much less painful than it was over 2 years ago.

Removing some things (like pictures) may help.  Perhaps putting them in a drawer (so you can later take them out if you wish) would help. 

Your idea of involving yourself in activities is a good one--something to distract you and  to keep yourself from dwelling on painful thoughts and memories.

Most of all, in my experience, it's going to require time.  It will eventually feel less painful than it does now.  You'll still have the memories but they'll bring less pain.

Best wishes and hoping for your healing.
 

 

[Robert D.]

Ronni W

More excellent advice! Thank you...! I actually, believe it or not, did not consider the option of wearing it on a day or longer that I may need to...to be comforted by it....but you know what...we have that option don't we....that is awesome!! That is why I am in here....we just can't see or know everything to do in this fog we are all living in now ....That is comforting in and of itself....that we have those options....not the..you know...all or nothing scenario that I was traveling in on that one....about the ring etc. And for that matter...the pictures, quilts...sewing/fabrics...her clothes, shoes.....Have them out if we want....right....? Or don't if we want.....Great advice friend!! Feels good just reading it...cathartic....Thank you!!

Robert

 

[DWS]

This was just my experience but it was about three to four months in when I thought that I should look at making some moves forward. During that time of thinking what I should do, I noticed that my crying times became more frequent and intense. What was happening was I had been unfairly pushing myself...convinced that I needed to do something...until I came to the realization that I was suffering as a result. I told myself that this is not something that I can think my way out of. Listening to my heart...truly listening...is my only way with this. 

I have done a few small things along the way and I'm thankful that I did them. One thing that I ended in this last week was my journaling....which sounds kinda crazy...but I started to realize that I was only forcing myself to journal in the past few weeks. At the start, it was a godsend because I missed texting with my partner Tom so it felt like an equivalent that was greatly needed. But eventually, it started ringing hollow to me. I was having to think about what to write rather than how it was at the start where the thoughts and words flowed easily. I now find chatting with him when I lay down in bed much more soothing. So I made the move...closed the journal which was always open on my dining table...and I don't miss it. The time must have been right. 

[Ronni_W]

Robert,

Yes. Exactly! Just keep your own options open, and don't listen to other people. ("Oh, Robert...you really should get rid of this."  "Oh, Robert, you really should get rid of that." (Or 'change' or 'move' or 'reconsider'...or whatever other similar words and sentiments will be used at you, to try to "help" you along. They're all incredibly well-meaning, but they just do not know.)

For myself. Yes, I got rid of stuff that, now, with 2 years' worth of hindsight, i maybe would have wanted to keep; and, last week (literally last week), garbaged some crap that I easily could have dumped 2 years ago. Yeah...that's gonna happen, also; where we question what we did or when we did it. (At the moment, have more crap that needs to go but...well, just as soon as, then it'll all go.)

I opted not to call the coroner. When it just happened It was out of that total 'fog'. But I also kept the 'file number' so that I could call him at any time that I felt like it. Haven't felt like it yet, and just a couple of days ago -- maybe Sunday -- woke up with the thought, "I can shred that file number". Haven't done it yet, but...that's what I meant about if we put it at a physical distance 'out of sight', it helps to detach. For me, 2 years and counting...but it can be 20 years...or 20 weeks.

[Gail 8588]

Robert D, 

As you know everybody here has different backgrounds and issues. I'll share my experience and perhaps something in it will help you.

I totally agree you should pay attention to how you feel. If you feel like it is time to move some things out of sight, do it. If you later want to put them back, do that. It may not seem like it, but it is progress  even if you go back and forth many times. Eventually you will settle into what feels right for you. 

I had a huge amount of papers, articles, books and business files of my husband's.  In the early months I found it impossible to go through any of it.  My brain was not functioning well and I just couldn't make a determination of what needed to be done with any of it.  Because I was selling the house, I had to box all the stuff up and haul it with me. I couldn't let any of it go.  But I did write on each box generally what was inside and the date I was boxing it up.

After I moved, I would try opening one box and go through it to see if there was anything I could get rid of. I'd go through a whole box and have maybe 10 pieces of paper that I felt certain I could trash.  I'd close up the box and write the new date on it. By 9 months after his death I had gotten rid of very little of the papers.  At the one year mark I started over, opening boxes with the oldest dates first. To my surprise, in most boxes I was able to sort out about half the contents as not needed. It took me about 6 months to go through them all, but now I had only half as many boxes (I consolidated).  About a year later I went through  all the boxes again, and to my surprise I felt most of the stuff was rubbish and only a few items in each box were special enough to keep. 

I know that sounds sort of crazy, but I think it actually helped my sanity.  I couldn't let go of the papers until I could make sense of them. In the beginning my brain was overwhelmed and couldn't make decisions. My critical thinking skills were really low. By boxing it all up and hauling it with me, through 2 moves, I gave my brain time to reset. 

I will say my family did not understand, or see the benefit of moving hundreds of heavy boxes from city to city.  But for me, it felt right and I am glad I didn't pitch it all early on. 

It took years, but I needed to touch those papers, read those words, before I could let them go. 

At 5.5 years out, I still have one bedroom full with about 30 boxes and 3 filing cabinets. I need to go through them again and see what I can let go of now.  But I still feel  comfort in having so much of his life's work near me.  Maybe no one else will ever look through them, but those papers were important to him and they are still important to me.

Everyone is different but this is what felt right to me. 

Gail

 

[KayC]

George died 6/19 and 7/4 his closet rod broke.  I took that as a sign to deal with it.  I put all his clothes on the bed, folded them, put them in boxes, stacked them up in the bedroom.  1 1/2 months later I donated them to Sponsors, a pet charity of his (it helps inmates that qualify to transition to society, curfews, counseling, kind of transitioning from being locked up, all decisions made for them, to society with still some constraints, but healthy ones and support)...I went out and cut a new closet rod and put it in.

His shop is another matter.  I tried to clean it out, organize it, but over the years the mice took over and made a shamble of things.  Honestly, it kind of haunts me, I open the door and in my mind's eye, I see him there working...and I close it.

In the house, I took care of things little by little, I have pictures up, little traces of him, a hat hanging on a hook, his bathrobe on the door (yep, after 17 years! And I still wrap it around me at times), his trinket box still there, I gave away his wallet, clothes, shoes, so many things but some things I kept.  I think I'm ready to finally let go of the cherished clothes I kept (not his bathrobe) like sweaters, maybe fishing vest, I gave his fishing hat to his best friend, it took me nine years to part with it.  Now that friend has dementia and ALL, diabetes...not doing well.  I'm glad I gave it to him.

[Robert D.]

KayC

I am going to keep JoAnn's robe in the bathroom forever....just as you have been doing. Her pink robe is hanging on the bathroom door....I hug it and kiss it always.....it is 'her' to me....It is not even an option with that one.

The pictures...? I am just now considering it ...not because I want to....but....just considering if I need to...to some degree....to help me....It's hard to even say that....I mean, think of it....honey, I'm going to take your pictures down to help me live this life.......I hate that....I really do.....but....that is where this thing we are living takes us at some point....But, as I speak.....all pictures are still up....I still kiss her face on the pictures.....I may do it for some time yet.....I'm just at the beginning of considering removing them....as this reality is sinking in more and more day by day. God bless!

Robert

 

[Sparky1]

Bathrobes are a very popular item with all of us. I still have my wife's robe hung up and also hug it when I get the courage up. My seasonal home up north also has her other bathrobe hung up behind the bedroom door, and I hug that also when I'm up there in the summer. I still have to go through her clothes up there, I attempt opening the drawers and get a glimpse of her clothes, lose it, and then close the drawers again.

[Robert D.]

Sparky1

I'm the same brother....I don't know if I will ever be able to let those things go....I really don't. I'm not sure its even possible really. This whole thing is not for humans...it really isn't. We are just biding time for now....till our Lord comes and rescues us from it.

God bless yas!!

Robert

 

[Roxeanne]

I had and i have contradictory feelings about his stuff...

The need to keep everything to remind me of him

And the temptation to throw all of it away in a cathartic moment to erase the most painful sorrow of my life

And i moved between these two emotions...about two years after i donated all of his clothes except the blu jacket and the pink shirt...he was so handsome wearing them!

And i have his beautiful artistic works...he was so special, a creative artist!

A master !

And i kept all the things about our travels, flight tichets, reservations of hotels, receipts of restaurants and museums around the world...i like to think at our beautiful life together!

And of course all our photos together....sometimes i can smile remembering a nice day together, sometimes i can not stand to see his tender smile only in a picture!

Anyway i'm missing him all the time...

 

 

 

 

 

[Robert D.]

Roxeanne

It is very hard...isn't it friend, ...to hold on and to let go....Isn't that what we are really all dealing with here?

God bless!

Robert

 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Robert D. said:

.just considering if I need to...to some degree....to help me

I put pictures up/down/up/down so many times they were revolving in that early time!  Do whatever you need to do for yourself, understanding it may change from day to day.  Just nothing permanent at this time.

 

15 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

No one size fits all as someone else mentioned.

For sure!

[steveb1]

I just moved Chong’s clothes that were in the laundry room to her closet in July. That took 2 years. I gave away some of her large korean style pots and pans to her close friends a few months after her passing.  I knew they would be used.  I’ve been thinking of donating her clothes to charity, etc., but I just cant do it yet.  As we all know, one step at a time.

[Ronni_W]

On 10/27/2022 at 7:52 PM, Robert D. said:

[...], ...to hold on and to let go....Isn't that what we are really all dealing with here? [...]

Well...not in my personal experience. In my own experience, we can't do both "hold on" and "let go". That is, it does require a hard decision   --   but for which there is no linear time or time-line to reach -- but we do, at whatever point in our personal-unique journey, have to decide what we want to hold on to, versus what we are okay to permanently let go. (There is no way to do both, "hold onto" and also "let go". So, in my own experience, if we're not yet 100% sure, then keep it rather than let it go. Leave our options open.)

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Ronni_W said:

So, in my own experience, if we're not yet 100% sure, then keep it rather than let it go. Leave our options open.

Mine also.  But then I'm the one with the house overrun with stuff!   But it's home and it's mine.  There may come a day I have to leave it all, time enough for that...

[TimSr]

Hello and thank you for your kind support. I lost my wife of 35 years to leukemia 18 months ago after a very sudden and short battle with leukemia. I still have one adult child and grandchild living with me. I have three other adult children and 4 other grandchildren living not far from me. I have met someone who has spent increased time in my home.She has expressed concern at the number of pictures in my home of my wife and I added exterior lighting with a spotlight on a memorial tree we planted. My friend thought the spotlight was over the top and was living in the past rather than moving forward in the new relationship. I try to understand her concerns but I also want my children to see that I have not forgotten their Mom. The pictures are placed randomly in the house in addition to a cabinet with an urn and photos. I try to understand my friend’s point of view but I do find it a little insensitive. I’m perfectly willing to enjoy a new partnership but not sure it means limiting pictures. Is the spotlight over the top?. 

[Ronni_W]

5 hours ago, TimSr said:

Is the spotlight over the top?. 

Not from where I'm sitting, no. From over here, I think it's rather lovely; and a beautiful tribute.

TimSr, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I don't need to tell you that there is no "good" or "bad" time-frame to be emotionally ready for a new relationship; you've already figured that out for yourself.

If I would caution anything at all, it would be to be careful -- to watch-out for your heart -- to not do what my now-ex-husband did, which was start to feel desperate (after we'd been divorced for a number of years), and so he ended up in a relationship that he later very much regretted, because he had blinded himself to, and ignored, every single one of all the 'red flags' that were clearly evident to everyone else. I don't know how else to say this. (And, my apologies if you feel that I'm over-stepping here.)

All my very best to you, TimSr, as you move forward through this terribly unique yet also unifying experience that we are all having to navigate.   Ronni

[Gail 8588]

TimSr,

I am sorry for your loss.  In my opinion, you are not at all "over the top".   I would hope your new friend would be patient with you and support you in however you process your grief. 

I have no experience at all in trying to navigate a new relationship following the death of my husband (married 38 years). Others here may have greater insight. But from just the grieving spouse point of view it seems to me to be perfectly normal for you to have pictures of your wife in your home especially with your son and grandchild living in the home.  I think lighting her tree is a lovely tribute that is quite subtle, really only known to those you specifically share the tribute with. 

I know its hard to sort through all the emotions involved but I hope you will try to determine what you feel and want, not what you think your children or grandchildren need or want or what the new companion needs or wants.  This is a time for you to be protective of what you need. 

Good luck in sorting it all out. 

Gail

[KayC]

20 hours ago, TimSr said:

Hello and thank you for your kind support. I lost my wife of 35 years to leukemia 18 months ago after a very sudden and short battle with leukemia. I still have one adult child and grandchild living with me. I have three other adult children and 4 other grandchildren living not far from me. I have met someone who has spent increased time in my home.She has expressed concern at the number of pictures in my home of my wife and I added exterior lighting with a spotlight on a memorial tree we planted. My friend thought the spotlight was over the top and was living in the past rather than moving forward in the new relationship. I try to understand her concerns but I also want my children to see that I have not forgotten their Mom. The pictures are placed randomly in the house in addition to a cabinet with an urn and photos. I try to understand my friend’s point of view but I do find it a little insensitive. I’m perfectly willing to enjoy a new partnership but not sure it means limiting pictures. Is the spotlight over the top?. 

No to your friend's comments!!!  I am sorry for your loss, 18 months is a drop in the bucket so to speak when grieving and there are no "rules" about how to do this time...you sound like you're doing as well as anyone can in these circumstances.  Everyone handles their loss differently and it takes what it takes.  Please refute your friend's comments as unhelpful.  No one would dare come in my home and tell me that!  I don't mean to come off strong, but I grew some moxie when George died, and it's only grown since!  Gail put it much more succinct than I did.

Welcome to our group, it's a good place to be where others get it and understand, we care about each other here, from all over the world.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[TimSr]

Thank you for your thoughtful responses. Not surprisingly, my friend joined a support group for people dating widowers. She laid out the same scenario from her point of view. It’s pretty astonishing how completely opposite the responses were from this site. There seems to be little room for patience and some were downright demanding. Just wanted to share that observation because if we do venture out to try and establish new connections, there are feelings lurking beneath the surface that we may have to deal with. Thank you again!

[Ronni_W]

On 11/1/2022 at 7:16 AM, KayC said:

Mine also.  But then I'm the one with the house overrun with stuff!   But it's home and it's mine.  There may come a day I have to leave it all, time enough for that...

I hear you, KayC! -- Same here on my side, about all the stuff that I'll have to get to 'some day'!!! 🙁. As it happened, I'd signed up for a Zoom-thing earlier this morning,"Downsizing with Dignity", and they covered quite a bit on decluttering.

On their website is a good 'decluttering' article, but it's under a heading like "blah-blah services in Toronto" -- if you ignore the heading you might still find the rest of the page/article interesting or useful. I'm loathe to post a live link to a commercial site, so, if you want to check it out: DownsizingExperts.ca. Then under 'Services', 'Decluttering'. Also, under 'Resources' --> 'Ultimate Downsizing Guides', there are a couple of interesting-looking e-books...BUT...these want an email address, so I haven't done that yet.

Sending love and hugs and All Good Things, to you KayC.   Ronni

[KayC]

8 hours ago, Ronni_W said:

On their website is a good 'decluttering' article

Two things prohibit my being able to clean out my place

1) My hand injuries have left me with 10% strength and continual pain in my hands

2) You have to drive 50 miles away to get rid of anything.  St. Vinnie's has not resumed accepting donations here.  It'd be much easier to just drop off stuff once a week if it did!  Over a year, that'd be a lot.  I have craft stuff worth a lot, I don't want to throw it in the garbage, dies, stamps, cardstock, all kinds of mediums, tools...

16 hours ago, TimSr said:

It’s pretty astonishing how completely opposite the responses were from this site. There seems to be little room for patience and some were downright demanding.

I'm sorry you felt that way but honestly, I have been on grieving sites for 17 years and have found most of our societal views are lacking in the grief department.  Society isn't intentionally cruel, it just comes out that way.  I don't want to see it a "her side" "our side" thing but more that she isn't comprehending how encompassing grief is and a little education goes a long ways.  Good luck in your new relationship, BTW! 

[AJ4]

I don't think having a spotlit tree (beautiful idea for a memorial, imo) or having pictures in your home is at all out of place, or over the top.  I think it's perfectly healthy and good to remember the person you loved that way.  

 

[steveb1]

4 hours ago, AJ4 said:

I don't think having a spotlit tree (beautiful idea for a memorial, imo) or having pictures in your home is at all out of place, or over the top.  I think it's perfectly healthy and good to remember the person you loved that way.  

Couldn’t agree more.  I don’t see how anyone could think otherwise. 

[Jemiga70]

On 10/27/2022 at 4:23 PM, Roxeanne said:

I had and i have contradictory feelings about his stuff...

The need to keep everything to remind me of him

And the temptation to throw all of it away in a cathartic moment to erase the most painful sorrow of my life

@Roxeanne  Yes, this.  This is what has been happening for me lately.  One day I am wanting to throw ALL of our possessions (and hers) onto the bonfire in a (futile?) attempt to speed the "healing"; the next day I can't imagine getting rid of anything because then what did our relationship mean and what does it mean now, and who am I now??  Pure torture.  I guess this is what it feels like to be ME, 18 months out, experiencing my grief. Also I think my EMDR sessions have shaken loose some of the trauma of watching my wife pass, and now I'm feeling deeply all kinds of things like impatience, anger, rage, frustration, yearning, severe loneliness...

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

ne day I am wanting to throw ALL of our possessions (and hers) onto the bonfire in a (futile?) attempt to speed the "healing"; the next day I can't imagine getting rid of anything because then what did our relationship mean and what does it mean now, and who am I now??

OMG, this is the summation of what we go through!

I see you're in Western North America, do you mind telling me what State?  Just curious...

[Jemiga70]

@KayC  I know, some days it feels like limbo.   I'm in Canada.

[Jemiga70]

I found this today. On topic.  It's called "Finding Peace, One Piece at a Time: What to do with your and a loved one's personal possessions."