Bella

[Americanwhiskey]

I never thought I would have anyone in my life I would consider my daughter.. but my little pittie? She proved me wrong, quickly. On the 28th of May she died on the table from an intestinal tumor with my consent, as surgery could not save her no matter what. Now absolutely terrible **** has happened pretty well my entire life, but I've never felt broken like this. When my sister died as us both as children I channeIed that into positivity through a support group, became a leader. This time it's just secretly binge drinking and crying about the loss of my little baby who completed my life. As an adult, its harder because it was in your care that a tradgedy happened.. or at least that's how I rationalize. I gave her a wonderful life, that's undeniable. She came from a home so bad she lost all her hair and the owners were locked in jail for animal cruelty. In our home the lack of three or four blankets? Oh no. Not for the princess and the pea. But none of this matters anymore, I miss the piece of my life that fit to make me, what I felt like, was whole. I should probably ask for advice, but the truth is I just want to say how fucking mad I am on an anonymous stage, because in reality I would absolutely destroy relationships over this issue without feeling the least bit of sympathy. I know that the behavior I'd like to exhibit is unhealthy, So I am trying another way. 

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[KayC]

I am sorry for the loss of your baby...it was the hardest thing in the world to me to lose my Arlie, over three years ago, he was my life, my heart and soul.  My gentle giant, my goofball.

I know the drink, while your companion, doesn't help grief...it invites depression, which is already naturally there, not what you need right now.

I am glad you came here, in a way it's a reaching out of sorts.  I hope you'll continue to read and post, it helps us process our grief, to know we aren't alone.

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

 

[foreverhis]

On 10/24/2022 at 5:21 AM, Americanwhiskey said:

This time it's just secretly binge drinking and crying about the loss of my little baby who completed my life. As an adult, its harder because it was in your care that a tradgedy happened.. or at least that's how I rationalize. I gave her a wonderful life, that's undeniable.

I'm so sorry you lost your wonderful Bella.  It's just about the hardest thing in the world.  Believe me, I understand the pull of alcohol.  It took a huge effort on my part to not to drink to numb my pain every day.  And truth be told, there were a number of nights I did just that.  It didn't help. 

I don't think it's rationalizing to consider how different loss and grief feels when we're adults compared to when we are children.  I do believe it's true that losing that one animal companion who we love above all others is harder in a way because they are in our care, our responsibility, and so we search for a different outcome because our minds need "someone" to blame.  We look in the mirror and say, "It's your fault," even though it isn't.  There are so many things beyond our control, yet guilt is a nasty companion in early grief.  But just because you feel something doesn't make it a fact.

Please remind yourself as often as possible that you did give her a wonderful life.  You rescued her from a life of abuse and neglect.  You were her family and you helped her thrive.  With you, she knew only care, comfort, and love.  When she left for the Rainbow Bridge, she was surrounded by your love.  That's not just something; it's everything.

On 10/24/2022 at 5:21 AM, Americanwhiskey said:

I should probably ask for advice, but the truth is I just want to say how fucking mad I am on an anonymous stage, because in reality I would absolutely destroy relationships over this issue without feeling the least bit of sympathy.

You don't need to ask for advice, not at all.  Here you can talk, rant, and "scream" if you need it.  The members do not judge and will not tell you what you should or shouldn't feel, think, or do.  We will tell you about our own grief journeys and try to help you know that we understand in ways that others cannot or will not.  I found it really helpful to read other members' stories because it made me feel less alone.

On 10/24/2022 at 5:21 AM, Americanwhiskey said:

So I am trying another way. 

I hope very much that you find this to be a better way.  For me, it certainly is.

[Americanwhiskey]

Thank you, it takes a lot to go out of your way for someone that you don't know, have no reason to care about. I will try to take what tou said to heart, but I think a big part of me is still in denial over the whole thing... I am a person who is extremely cut off emotionally, especially with regards to expression in my day to day life. I think that's why I can't cut this off, because I feel that I could express myself and be loved by her. None of my toxic actions, none of my difficult personality traits pushed her away. She just loved me. It's hard to accept that love is gone. I'm still having a hard time processing that without anger or sadness. I don't know if It will ever stop.

[Americanwhiskey]

My narcissistic tendencies make seeing or talking to a therapist next to impossible. I just can't imagine anyone sitting down and talking to someone they pay to listen to complaints would be helpful. Their monetary gain completely negates the very concept of any emotional connection or trust. I have to find a real outlet. Something to feel passion for, I need a reason to keep moving forward. I have to find a way to not be me, because the only thing that could ever love me for me is dead.

[KayC]

It is.

[furbabymama1]

Totally get the self destructive phase...your among friends..you also took on a abused case! whew!

Be sure, the stages of grief anger is BIG one., so, be it, emotions are moving through you, but they

are NOT you! Your soul, is good, this pup got a wonderful companion with your nuturing heart

and now its OK to lean on others...we here, need to crack our own egos..and LET humans also

enter the circle of allowing healing. We really are good, even with some being less then steller,

I hope you find trust in a few. I like reading here,makes me feel less like a shell.

 

rest well, you will find your journey and coping will happen bit by bit