Lost both my parents 5 month apart

[stardust1000]

My dad died and it made me very unwell, now my mum just died too only 5 month after my dad. buried them both on top of each other. Anyways now I can't cope & feel so bad inside I can't take much more. I don't care about nothing anymore & feel I would rather just be gone too now. I can't speak to nobody about it as I just don't want to talk in person. I don't want to do anything no more. I have dropped all friends & don't leave the house anymore. I really feel done. so so much. I really loved them both so much life is meanness to me now. The only thing I do is drown my brain out as much as I can so I am numb. Every time I close my eyes I see my mums dead face. she was in a lot of pain before she went & it was not a pretty sight at the end. Just feels like I'm in a dream. But it's for real.😢  My mum would hate it if I did something stupid, she wouldn't of wanted that to happen. so I feel stuck.

[Summersun]

Stardust, I am so sorry for your loss. This is a terrible situation to be in. Completely understand the flashbacks of your mother's face as I have the same. It will hopefully get better after a while.

Can you tell us more about the way you live and what you spend your days like? I'm trying to imagine how to to put myself into your shoes and I know nothing about your life. I don't want to be nosey, so please just write what you want to share with us.

The reason I asked is, I have been reading very many entrys on this website for a long time and I just noticed, that the more people share about their circumstances the more other people can relate, esspecially if they are an a simular situation. You might have seen entries from people looking for others under 30 or so  - so they can understand it better than someone who's twice their age, and will possibly answer you more likely. I only write this, as unfortunately, I have also noticed that people write very personal things and get no answer, as everyone grieving is busy and in their own only little world. That's why I don't want you to get no response, because you  understandibly already feel very, very alone now and might appreciate a few more answers.

I am amazed that you are so open to us, about the dilemma of not wanting to be on the planet and at the same time having no chance to leave it it without moral problems. I think you mention a problem that a lot of people on this site have who have lost relatives and feel so numb they see no point in living, but know that their parents would probably not want of them to end their life over grief.

And I just want to mention that I think with such a heavy loss as you have just experienced it is very, very normal to feel that way and it might unfortunately stay this way for a bit, as it is still so fresh. Personally, I can totally relate to the feeling of being stuck in some kind of Twilight Zone  - in between two worlds and not belonging to either one. 

If you do not feel like leaving the house at this time maybe it's just better to do more online stuff? I noticed that on this website that people often don't check back so regularly, as maybe they do with social media. I just want to let you know that there are also two Facebook groups about losing and grieving your mother. Please try to find them if you want to because there might be more engagement there and more direct exchanges than over here where conversations are often stuck after one or two responses. 

Dear Stardust, I wish I could help and I can only say that I want to send you a big hug to where ever you are. There is really nothing someone at the other end of the world can probably say except that we have to wait this out and hope that we will feel different at some point. 

This loss will never quite go away and I hope like a big flesh wound, it will at some point turn into a scar that we can live with.

Please come back here and let us know how you are doing.

I would love to hear from you.

sending strength

summersun