Struggling with the Loss of my Dad

[Queenie]

I am struggling with the loss of my dad. 

My dad was diagnosed with cancer when he was 29. He had a small form of kidney cancer that was maintained. He went to all his doctor appointments and did everything that was asked of him. He got a kidney taken out in 2014 where he healed nicely the weeks following. He was so healthy (aside from the cancer) and in great shape. He loved playing sports and exercised daily. He never smoked and would enjoy a glass of Jack Daniels or a few beers at the end of a long work day. I never thought anything could actually happen to him. He’s only 59. 

My parents were divorced and when my dad found a girlfriend, he moved out of the house to live with her. This brought us even closer in that we would text each other every single day; all day. He had the best sense of humor and, even though he had a hard life growing up, found the best in everything. He was never not smiling or laughing. I remember his smile lines were so prominent. 

After their dream house was built, my dad and his girlfriend moved in and had tons of projects lined up. My dad planned on retiring in April 2021 after working most of his life. However, in August 2020, my dad’s cancer spread to his lungs. He’s my best friend. Nothing could happen to him. I love him too much. 

My dad was in and out of the hospital the following months after his cancer spread. The hospitals allowed zero visitors and were extremely backed up due to peak covid. Thus, he had to face all of his hospital visits and surgeries alone with no family to support him. How scared he must’ve felt. I wish so badly I could’ve been there in person and not just on the phone every ten minutes finding out updates. His joint pain got so bad that he wasn’t able to move from his bed and his girlfriend had to care for him. We weren’t allowed to come over in case we spread covid as that could’ve killed him in his current state. I feared daily she was going to tell me he passed.  

My worst fear came true. On December 22, 2020, my dad had to go to the hospital due to pain. During my lunch break, his girlfriend called me telling me he wanted to stop all treatments and say his goodbyes. He was in the ICU and the doctors gave permission for family to visit him even with covid protocols. How the hell does one prepare to say goodbye to someone they’ve known their entire life?

I turned the corner to his room and started crying. He looked nothing how I’ve always known him. He was skin and bones. There was nothing left of him. His facial hair that he kept the same my entire life had grown out. His fingernails were yellow. His fingers were swollen. His lips were so chapped. He had a metal headpiece wrapped around his forehead to hold him straight. A catheter dragged across the floor. There was a small fan blowing on him because he was so hot. He could only eat ice chips. His socks were blue and orange and too big for his feet. I think about the way he looked that last time every. single. day. 

We said our goodbyes but he was on so much medicine I don’t know how much of it he could grasp. He told us we would be fine. His cancer had spread to his bones and into his entire body. The little hope I carried was shattered the moment I saw him. We went home. My mom came into my room the following morning saying that my dad had passed. The day my life changed for the worse was December 23, 2020 at 6:23 AM. We spent Christmas Eve in the funeral home making arrangements. We spent Christmas Day mourning the days we would spend Christmas at my dad’s house. The holidays are not the same to me anymore. 

I was 25 at the time. I am now 27. I got engaged two months before his passing and only started planning the wedding recently. Today, I went dress shopping for the first time and now I’m bawling looking for grief groups because I can’t comprehend getting married without my dad there. 

I want to accept that he is no longer in pain but why did I have to lose him for him to feel no pain? Why do I have to live most of my life without my dad? How do I get married and have children without my dad being present? Why do bad things happen to good people? 

I’m sorry for projecting this into this forum. I have no idea why I’m writing this or who will see this but I am hurting. My friends can’t understand this pain because none of them have lost a parent before. I feel like a burden talking to them about how I feel because I feel they’ve grown tired of me complaining. My family doesn’t talk about the loss because it’s too painful for us. I see a therapist weekly but my thoughts are 24/7. 

Sending love to anyone else dealing with grief as grief is the worst battle I’ve ever faced. 

[mel4pat]

I just lost my dad on Oct 5 22.....I am sooo sorry for your loss....I know how shocking it must of been to see your dad in his last stage of his life.  My dad looked similar except the biggest difference between your experience and mine is I got to see my dad deteriorate in 3 months....to get to that stage vs you walking in one day.  I feel that would definitely impact your grieving process because of the fact that you couldn't be there thru the stages prior. I am glad you are going thru therapy.  I have been dealing with it knowing my dad wanted to die with no pain, no burdening, and knew he wouldn't have a quality life outside of the hospital.   I loved him so much to accept his wishes and carry out my responsibilities to care for my mom while she is still alive.  I see signs of my dad once in awhile and have made a big alter with a huge photo of him at my mom's house and right now we talk to him like he's home....I don't know what stage I am in grieving but I'm just happy to know he is in peace with the lord and him knowing that he doesn't have to worry about mom.... that we will take care of her, his best friend & life partner and  that my brother and I will always love each other.... these were all said to him prior and he got to say good bye to his grand children and brothers, sisters, friends.....