Widower after 60 years

[DougH]

Lost my wife to lung cancer after 60 years. I was her care giver. We had already lost our childern, parents, brothers, sisters, and there is just Grand children.i am now alone and very ill with grief and post cancer and Nero back issues. I have no purpose to live for except for my grandkids.  They try but I am so depressed I don't want anyone around except my grief group. They understand and is the only thing that keeps me going.

[Ronni_W]

DougH, yep. Finding some purpose to keep on going was -- and still is -- for me the hardest part. (Referencing Bob Seger's song, 'Famous Final Scene').

Well...to be true, ALL of it is "the hardest part".

Of course I do also wish you everything of the highest and very best for good and proper relief for your physical ailments. (But) I know (from my personal experience thus far) that for our emotional trauma...the medical professionals and neuroscientists haven't figured-out a 'treatment' or an antidote for that yet.

I am so sorry for your loss of your wife, and all your other losses as well.     Love and hugs, Ronni

[DougH]

Thank you for your reply.  I appreciate conversation, I am so lonely.  I have 2 pomeranians that are a handful. 1 wants to play tug of war and be by my side all day. The other was my wife's and most all day she spends under the bed. Playing with a group on pogo helps. 

[DWS]

10 hours ago, DougH said:

I have no purpose to live for except for my grandkids.  They try but I am so depressed I don't want anyone around except my grief group. They understand and is the only thing that keeps me going.

There are quite a few of us on this site who have similar feelings. I'm learning that this all comes down to the need of having companions in life....true companions who grow to understand us and hear us. We found that in our partners and spouses...at least, that's the case for those of us here. Our immense sadness stems from not only the loss of our person but also the loss of the one who got us. That dynamic of "getting us" takes a long time to establish. Losing that connection is devastating.

Right now...and perhaps always now...I need people who "get" my grief and that's what I find here. Companions here who are able to meet me in this darkness because they know and live it themselves. The others out there...outside of this darkness...are still busy living and enjoying the light. They have others who "get" them in their love of sports, music, work, studying, play or whatever and also those who still have their companions in love, relationships and marriage. They aren't able to and maybe, they're not meant to meet us in grief. 

[KayC]

11 hours ago, DougH said:

Lost my wife to lung cancer after 60 years. I was her care giver. We had already lost our childern, parents, brothers, sisters, and there is just Grand children.i am now alone and very ill with grief and post cancer and Nero back issues. I have no purpose to live for except for my grandkids.  They try but I am so depressed I don't want anyone around except my grief group. They understand and is the only thing that keeps me going.

Wow, this is a tremendous amount to have on your plate and in your soul.  I am so sorry for your loss of your wife, AND the loss of your children, everyone around you!  It seems to me one of the hazards of growing old...little by little they all start to go.  In my family we live into our 90s so guess who will be the last one standing, having lost all bit by bit!

I am glad you have your grief group, so glad, it can be enormous support, esp. forming those in person relationships of those who get it.  And I'm glad you've added us to your repertoire now.  We welcome you here and hope you will continue to read and post, it helps, it really does.

Multiple Losses

Grieving Pet

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Gail 8588]

DougH,

I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad you have your pomeranian bundles of love there with you. Slowly, you will help your wife's dog re-engage with life and they will both help you as well. 

I'm glad your grandkids are in contact with you as well. 

The void from losing your wife of 60 years is enormous and the dogs and grandkids can't fill that void, but it does help to have these contacts. Keep going to your grief group and I hope you can also find some comfort here.  Our lives have been shattered too by the loss of our soulmates. We understand how hard this is.

Welcome

Gail

[DougH]

1 hour ago, DWS said:

There are quite a few of us on this site who have similar feelings. I'm learning that this all comes down to the need of having companions in life....true companions who grow to understand us and hear us. We found that in our partners and spouses...at least, that's the case for those of us here. Our immense sadness stems from not only the loss of our person but also the loss of the one who got us. That dynamic of "getting us" takes a long time to establish. Losing that connection is devastating.

Right now...and perhaps always now...I need people who "get" my grief and that's what I find here. Companions here who are able to meet me in this darkness because they know and live it themselves. The others out there...outside of this darkness...are still busy living and enjoying the light. They have others who "get" them in their love of sports, music, work, studying, play or whatever and also those who still have their companions in love, relationships and marriage. They aren't able to and maybe, they're not meant to meet us in grief. 

I would like to show this to my grief group here if you are ok. Thanks for your wisdom, it means so much.

[Ronni_W]

On 10/22/2022 at 10:19 AM, DougH said:

I would like to show this to my grief group here if you are ok. Thanks for your wisdom, it means so much.

DougH, while you are awaiting DWS's response, I thought to share how I handle when I find myself facing a similar dilemma.

To other people, I say to effect of, "I can't take credit for this -- I saw it on another site / in some book that I don't remember the title...", and then I go ahead and put it in my own words. That is, sometimes I first spend a bit of time to write out what I took as the 'wisdom and helpful nuggets', and then share it that way. I do not "show" any original material (at least, not without first deleting any potentially identifying information) and do not quote verbatim, because me doing either of these could lead people back to the original post/source, which the original poster may not want or feel comfortable with.

I don't really know if mine is a "good", "proper" or "appropriate" way -- but, I do it on my deeply felt sense that all of my fellow grievers will be more than happy if they can, even indirectly, help their other fellow-grievers. I might be totally off-base on thinking/believing this, of course.

[Robert D.]

DougH

I will be praying for you Doug. I am very sorry for your loss. I u derstand the no purpose to live. It is hard....very, very hard. But we are all here with you...and for you. The people here know what you are feeling and going through....and truly understand. God bless!! 

Robert

[Ronni_W]

Sometimes...

and, I am a person of great faith in our One True God, and His Lovingness, Kindness, Caring and Compassion. But, nevertheless and even with that, it can still be rather debilitating and further traumatizing for me, personally, when people tell me that they are "praying for me" -- I was already praying for myself, and also for Ray, long before Ray died.

It's one of those things, where, possibly and perhaps, we as grievers and fellow grievers, and, just as we would really like from our 'support network', need to think before we speak. (That balance between 'loving selfishness' and 'loving consideration for others'.)

Possibly this is not the "proper, appropriate" (sub)forum for these types of conversations, thoughts and discussions. If not, Admins, then please move it.

[DWS]

On 10/22/2022 at 10:19 AM, DougH said:

I would like to show this to my grief group here if you are ok. Thanks for your wisdom, it means so much.

Yes...for sure, if it helps.

[DougH]

On 10/23/2022 at 2:28 PM, Robert D. said:

DougH

I will be praying for you Doug. I am very sorry for your loss. I u derstand the no purpose to live. It is hard....very, very hard. But we are all here with you...and for you. The people here know what you are feeling and going through....and truly understand. God bless!! 

Robert

Thank you

 

On 10/23/2022 at 2:28 PM, Robert D. said:

DougH

I will be praying for you Doug. I am very sorry for your loss. I u derstand the no purpose to live. It is hard....very, very hard. But we are all here with you...and for you. The people here know what you are feeling and going through....and truly understand. God bless!! 

Robert

 

On 10/23/2022 at 2:28 PM, Robert D. said:

DougH

I will be praying for you Doug. I am very sorry for your loss. I u derstand the no purpose to live. It is hard....very, very hard. But we are all here with you...and for you. The people here know what you are feeling and going through....and truly understand. God bless!! 

Robert

Thank you

[DougH]

On 10/23/2022 at 2:28 PM, Robert D. said:

DougH

I will be praying for you Doug. I am very sorry for your loss. I u derstand the no purpose to live. It is hard....very, very hard. But we are all here with you...and for you. The people here know what you are feeling and going through....and truly understand. God bless!! 

Robert

Thanks Robert 

[DougH]

On 10/21/2022 at 8:10 PM, Ronni_W said:

DougH, yep. Finding some purpose to keep on going was -- and still is -- for me the hardest part. (Referencing Bob Seger's song, 'Famous Final Scene').

Well...to be true, ALL of it is "the hardest part".

Of course I do also wish you everything of the highest and very best for good and proper relief for your physical ailments. (But) I know (from my personal experience thus far) that for our emotional trauma...the medical professionals and neuroscientists haven't figured-out a 'treatment' or an antidote for that yet.

I am so sorry for your loss of your wife, and all your other losses as well.     Love and hugs, Ronni

Thank you. I have read your reply many times 

[DougH]

6 minutes ago, DougH said:

Thank you. I have read your reply many times 

Thanks so much