Losing my Mother to cancer

[srh]

I am not new to this grief. This grief has grown with me over the last 8 years. I was raised by a fiercely loving rather eccentric single Mother. She gave everything to give me a life that I was never as grateful for as I should have been. I was embarrassed of her and of our financial status. I couldn't see then what I see now, we were rich in a different more important way. I've struggled with many different things through this grief. It's a very deep wound. I've done what I can to untangle the mess but as I go I realize it just gets deeper and deeper. My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer on December 13th 2013. She attended this doctor's appointment alone as she did most unprepared for what would be so bluntly laid down before her. They told her she had 4-6 months to live and that treatment would be a foolish decision. At the time my Mom was one year sober and finally living a life she had dreamed of. I was still young and selfish and didn't yet understand the gravity of what was ahead for us. I was in a relationship with an abusive addict that was anything but supportive while I went through this with my Mom. I didn't build up the confidence to leave him until after she was gone. I moved my Mom from Northern California down to Southern California so that I could care for her. When she first arrived I could see no difference in her, this was not a sick person. I soon began to see the decline. I was in denial. I refused to believe that she had only weeks left as predicted. I was 23 and navigating a world of hospitals, care facilities, medical transportation, hospice, signing DNR's and making funeral arrangements alone. I barely knew how to be an adult yet and was thrown into this nightmare of deciding what was best for my Mom who had worked in the medical field her whole life but couldn't advocate for herself anymore. I live with a lot of regret and shame for making some of the choices that I did. I did the best that I could at the time but reflecting back I wish I did more, I wish I had been more present, I wish I didn't let others push me into doing what was easier. She passed away April 16th 2014. Almost exactly 4 months after her diagnosis, as predicted. I had made the arrangements to have her cremated but I couldn't bring myself to plan a funeral. I quit my job and slipped away into my grief for 6 months. I was grieving more than just the loss of my Mother. I was grieving my childhood, the closure I would never get, the future she wouldn't be a part of. My mother struggled with drugs my whole life and I barely knew it. Looking back that explains a lot, but now I would never get to address those things with her. Watching someone slowly die over a period of time is extremely traumatic. I didn't feel it in the moment but after it was all over it came crashing down on me. It's now 8 years later and I still struggle. It's a wound that I feel like no one fully understands. 

[Traz]

Dear Srh,

The pain of losing our mothers is difficult at any age, but to go through that at age 23 and be burdened with so many responsibilities & decisions for your mom is mind boggling. I send you my heart felt condolences on the loss of your mom, I am so sorry.

I think of myself at 23: completely self-absorbed - in my own bubble of college and partying and having no clue who I was. If I had had your situation thrust upon me, I could not have coped. Add to that, an abusive boyfriend? I would have gone over the edge. You need to look back at the 23 year old you and hug her in your mind. She needed a lot more support to try and deal with all that was happening in her life. 

I helped my own daughter through the trauma of an abusive boyfriend. She was so damaged because he was a narcissist and a gaslighter. Your boyfriend might have been the same type. Anyway, we had to look into trauma therapy for her and I really feel that is what has happened to you. Trauma. 

Trauma can also complicate your grief response and make coping very difficult. There is a thing called 'complex grief' in the literature too. Sorting through it all is hard, because it's like literal layers of an onion to go through. You peel back one layer, and there is another one underneath. I kind of feel I have complex grief too. My relationship with my mom was up and down, she was super damaged from her childhood emotional/sexual/physical abuse. I'm 3 years into my grief and it still feels profound and deep. 

Please don't blame yourself for negative thoughts you might have had about your mom as a young adult. Most young people are embarrassed by their parents. It takes time and maturity to develop the wisdom we need to grow as humans. I was embarrassed and ashamed growing up because we lived in subsidized housing. I felt my parents should have owned their own home and what was wrong with them that they didn't? All my friends' parents owned homes, so why couldn't we? 

Of course that was a young me thinking those thoughts. I look back now and see that my parents did the best that they could without any formal education and 4 kids at home. We always had good, home cooked meals and my mom sewed our clothes. I never appreciated it until much later. 

When your mom dies, you grieve more than the sadness of her absence. I know you mentioned your childhood and things you couldn't address with her to get closure. All the things she won't be a part of now. I truly do understand this agonizing pain. One thing I grieved hard over and it still gets to me, is for the life that my mom was denied. She was extremely intelligent and could have gone to University, but she had to quit school to care for her siblings as her mom was a single parent. She had extreme social anxiety too which limited her in so many ways...  These heart-breaking secondary things are hard to come to terms with. 

I guess it's so difficult because we can't control what has passed. We only have today and the choices we make in our daily life.  One thing that has helped me was creating a journal that I kept specifically for writing to my mom in. It would be like I was writing her a letter. I'd always start it by saying "Dear Mom..." Just putting those thoughts down, addressing past issues or questions I had, really did help. I need to do more of that

I also watch a lot of stories on near death experiences. I don't know what your belief system is, but I find them so comforting. There's one on YouTube called The Near Death Experience of Jeffrey Olsen. Truly inspiring. 

Grief is a long journey and everyone suffers differently. But I believe there is hope and healing ahead for us both. If you are able to, maybe consider looking into someone who deals in trauma based therapy or complex grief.

Please know I am thinking of you. There are many people here who are experiencing similar feelings and you are not alone.

Take care for now,

Traz 

[srh]

Thank you for your comment. I have been deeply contemplating trauma therapy. I think I'm just afraid I won't find the right person that I can be comfortable enough with to open up to. I definitely understand the onion analogy. A lot was happening during that time in my life and unfortunate events continued to follow. My boyfriends Mom was the one person that stepped up and helped me with my Mom. Five months after my Mom passed his Mom committed suicide which then sent my addict ex-boyfriend into a spiral understandably so. As things settled down I finally made my exit. Fast forward a couple years, I met the man of my dreams and got married and the day that I found out I was pregnant with our first child was also the day that my ex-boyfriend died from an overdose. I never really took the time to process what that meant to me. I didn't attend his funeral. I felt guilty. I felt like his family would look at me and see the girl that left him when he was at his lowest, someone to place blame on. What they didn't know was the tourment he caused me. The abuse I endured silently. The measures I had to take after I left him to feel safe and keep my life as private as possible. 23 was by far the hardest year of my life. I am stronger and wiser for experiening what I did. I feel like I'm in my renisance era now as silly as that sounds. I'm identifying my trauma and dissecting it the best I can. Self care is my ultimate goal in the coming years. Thank you for taking an interest and for your kind words. I appreciate you.  

[Traz]

You are so welcome srh, I am so glad to hear you have a wonderful, supportive partner in your life now. And congratulations on your little one. It is hard to fathom all of that grief and those losses at the young age you were. 

I'm sorry to hear about your ex and it's just very tragic - his and his mom's deaths. I completely understand not attending his funeral. People would have been focused on their own pain and loss and might not have treated you kindly. You had your own trauma to deal with and grief and had to take care of you. 

My daughter found a therapist online through Better Help. It wasn't as costly as a private therapist you see in an office setting. I really get the importance of finding someone you can click with and relate to. I think self care going forward is the best thing for you and your family. You honor them and your mom, by taking care of yourself. I used to think self care was slapping on a face mask and lighting a scented candle, but now I understand it goes a lot deeper. For me it was learning how to  establish boundaries with people, knowing that it's okay to say no and not feeling pressured into certain things by friends or family members. 

I hope you find healing and strength going forward in whatever way feels comfortable and right for you. 

Peaceful thoughts to you. Xo

Traz