I lost my person

[Cetacea1980]

My person recently died.  August 15 as a matter of fact and I can't get over it. I feel like I'm obsessed with thinking about all of the what ifs.  No one has ever shown me such love and we were on good terms and I've known him since we were children  .  It was  a mature love and I wanted everything with em and then things went astray and then just when we got to being cordial again it went badly and he died. I never cried like that on my life.  Screamed.  I'm afraid I'll hurt forever . Help me 

[Lost7]

@Cetacea1980

I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband to COVID-19 9 months ago your pain is very new and raw. Grieve can be many many different feelings to people....pain loneliness heavy hearted it's not a one size fits all experience. Just know that you're not alone and everything that you're going through is now you "normal". This forum has helped me work through a lot of my pain and my grief is still there but it's getting blurry around the edges as someone else on here has said so eloquently. I encourage you to keep coming back because everyone on here cares repost write when you feel like it....you will make it!

Blessings Lost7 

[Cetacea1980]

Oh my God. Thank you for responding. I needed this more than you know.  It hurts so much.

I feel like I'm dying. 

I am also so sorry for your loss as well.

Any tips as to what helps you. 

 

Again thank you.

[Lost7]

Different things work for different people. But for me I prayed a lot. I stay busy, And I read a lot of posts from other people grieving. I went through a grief share program maybe you have one where you live. But most of all I think time is what help the most. I still have my ups and downs but it seems like I'm having more ups lately I'm 9 months in almost 10 months. Just hang in there.

Blessings Lost7 

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Cetacea1980 said:

My person recently died.  August 15 as a matter of fact and I can't get over it. I feel like I'm obsessed with thinking about all of the what ifs.  No one has ever shown me such love and we were on good terms and I've known him since we were children  .  It was  a mature love and I wanted everything with em and then things went astray and then just when we got to being cordial again it went badly and he died. I never cried like that on my life.  Screamed.  I'm afraid I'll hurt forever . Help me 

I am so sorry!  It's the hardest thing in the world to have to try to learn to live without our person...talk to him, journal, come here, garner any support you can find around you...and hopefully you'll be one of the lucky ones that has some (our friends all disappeared immediately, some before his funeral, and family didn't get it, still don't).  I do home you'll continue to come here to read and post, it helps, lets you know you're not alone in what you feel, think, and your responses, there's others here that "get it" and understand.  It also helps process our grief, getting it out rather than holding it in or trying to keep it at bay...as if!

 The "what ifs" are common in early grief, it's like we can't make sense of what happened so our body tries desperately to find some different possible scenario in which it ends differently...we are not "guilty" of anything, it's more like our minds playing tricks with us.  

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

9 hours ago, Lost7 said:

everything that you're going through is now you "normal".

Yes and pretty much anything/everything we can think or how we respond IS "normal" in grief!  It definitely changes everything in us.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, Lost7 said:

I stay busy

It helps to have a routine, like it gives us some type of normal in a abnormal world.  I come here early and read/post, also do my Diabetic groups throughout the day, walk my puppy at certain times, eat at certain times, etc.  crash and burn, then get up and do it all over again.  Rinse, repeat.

[Cetacea1980]

I appreciate all of tbe feedback. I just feel so at a loss.  I'm not trying to resist feeling either but even today . I thought I could swing work. I absolutely cannot . I can't  .

[Cetacea1980]

I feel like the world feels so insigninsignificant to me now  i feel unsafe.  I yearn for peace but each day when i wake im taken back to full blown fear and the thought of them being gone. I just want to hold him .  Tell him how much I needed em. He was my best friend.  

I often find myself apologizing   .  I feel like a burden to others so then out of desperation I joined this last night. 

I have a therapist but I haven't gone I'm about a month and a half. I just haven't.  

Thank you for being here and opening up as well as I know it isn't easy. 

 

Sending love back your way 

[Ronni_W]

Cetacea1980, I am so sorry for your loss (for what those words are worth).

Not sure if I'm 'reading' your first post accurately, but, how it came across to me sounds like...well, not your "average" circumstance of losing a very dear loved one. If that is the case, as it was for me when my very best friend and supporter and ally in the world died unexpectedly, then, in my own experience, it's very difficult to feel that others will even start to understand those 'underlying' things that existed in the relationship. (If this is not your case, please just ignore all of this.)

Yes, for me also everything just started feeling upside-down, unreliable, unsafe, 'scary' and like I couldn't deal with any of it, and that I was at a loss about everything at all that really "matters" -- which, for me I also couldn't even figure out anymore what actually matters to me. (That took me some time, to even start to figure out, from all over again, what actually does matter to me these days. I'm still working on all of that.)

I recently had an 'akashic reading' done, and, according to that, it turns out that my now-deceased partner is also apologizing to me. (I told the 'reader' to please, if at all possible, tell my partner that he has nothing at all to apologize for.)

On a more practical note, if that therapist didn't feel "good and solid and useful" to you in the time(s) that you did meet, then just (in your mind) quit him/her, and stop telling yourself that you have a therapist, and just keep looking for one until you find one that fits with you and what you want and need out of a therapist. (Would be my suggestion. That is, don't get yourself stuck with "professionals" and "experts" who aren't actually helping you.)

Again, I'm sorry that you're also going through all of this. Unknowns and doubts and lack of self-confidence, is how I've been experiencing it.   Love and hugs, Ronni

[CrysMike]

On 10/18/2022 at 10:24 PM, Lost7 said:

Different things work for different people. But for me I prayed a lot. I stay busy, And I read a lot of posts from other people grieving. I went through a grief share program maybe you have one where you live. But most of all I think time is what help the most. I still have my ups and downs but it seems like I'm having more ups lately I'm 9 months in almost 10 months. Just hang in there.

Blessings Lost7 

I lost the love of my life on August 14, I think about him constantly considering all the what if’s as well. I try to keep my sadness behind closed doors because I don’t want me to make others sad, so everyday I wake up and put my smile on and go about my day.
Our son keeps trying to get me to go to a grief sharing group and I’m not sure that Is for me, seems like it would be much easier to let my feelings loose behind this computer screen, maybe. But I wonder if he’s trying to get me to go or is it him that needs to go, this was his father?
Anyway I decided to come here and I’m amazed that the first post I read is almost exactly how I’m feeling. So know that none of you are alone in this!! 
I was with this man for over half of my life, I miss him terribly I miss his touch his smell his crazy ways his cooking and everything else about him but I miss his intelligent guidance the most I think. He was the ying  to my yang for sure!! 
Thank you for sharing your feelings and I hope that we can all help each other heal!! 
I hope to hear more feelings!! God bless you all!! 

[KayC]

@CrysMike  I'm glad you found this place, it was a site much like this one that literally saved me when I lost my husband over 17 years  ago.  I want to be here for you and the others here every day of my life, so long as I can!  I've been on these sites over 17 years now, daily.

I am so glad you right off the bat found someone who spoke to you in a connective way, with similarities of circumstance.  I used to lead support groups prior to Covid and will likely again as the need arises in my sleepy little town.  We got very close, and I tried to make it comfortable for everyone coming, to speak or not, had handouts/material for them, and we often went to lunch afterwards, got to know each other, there was a real bond.  I know every group varies with the leader, but if one doesn't feel right, maybe another would, meanwhile, this is a great way to connect with people in your own way, right from the privacy of your own home.  And we get to know each other pretty well here, we care about each other much like a family of sorts, even though from all over the world.

I love how you put "he was the ying to my yang," that says a lot!  My George was my soulmate and best friend, I miss him so much, nothing takes his place, nothing.

I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post as it's a good way to process our grief and know we are not alone in how we feel, think, respond, even though we're all unique and as such may respond differently to different things, there's enough similarities we can relate too.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Ronni_W]

On 10/28/2022 at 9:44 PM, CrysMike said:

[...]   Our son keeps trying to get me to go to a grief sharing group and I’m not sure that Is for me, seems like it would be much easier to let my feelings loose behind this computer screen, maybe. But I wonder if he’s trying to get me to go or is it him that needs to go, this was his father? [...]

It can be both. BOTH you and your son needing a grief-support group...and not necessarily the same one.

At least your son is showing his compassion and understanding of what you're going through. It would be okay for you to outwardly express your own recognition and gratitude to him, and ask him how he feels about signing-up for a grief support group for himself. (Whether online/Zoom, or local/in-person.)

My sympathies to you and all of those affected by this loss.  Ronni

[HisPumpkin]

I have BPD (well, I think they call it EUPD now). Im no longer diagnostic but it still have high traits, most predominantly the intensity of how I experience emotions. D was my safe space, my favourite person, my rock, my emotional support person. He understood me in ways nobody ever has. 

I felt the pain of his passing in such an intensely raw way I don’t know how I survived it. I very nearly didn’t for various reasons. I’m still riding a lot of intense waves. The world has not felt safe or stable since he passed. 

I don’t have any answers for you other than to say, it’s baby steps. Survival (even when you feel you don’t really want to survive) starts second to second… slowly minute to minute, then hour to hour, at some point it becomes day to day. The moments of raw intensity - you begin to get little reprieves, then the reprieves start to last a little longer. The waves still hit, but there’s more time to breathe in between. 

Whatever gives you any small amount of reprieve, it doesn’t matter if it’s the escapism of binge watching an entire show, gaming, walking miles, socialising a lot, not socialising at all, finding a new hobby, getting a pet, or isolating for a while (or anything else at all that helps you in any small way). What matters is you and what you need. It’s also ok and normal to not have a single clue what it is you actually need, because especially early on, the only thing we can focus on that we need is for the loss never to have happened in the first place 😢

Im so sorry you lost your person. The thing we all have in common here is we understand the devastation such a loss brings. Keeping you in my thoughts and hoping your moments of reprieve come more frequently as time passes. Lots of love. X