I may have caused my mother’s death.

[Master Yoda]

 

My mother died on May 13th, 2022 due to a heart-attack. Its what happened between the time she had the heart-attack and then underwent Angioplasty and Stent placement that bothers me.

I was still looking for a new job (resigned) and my mom wasn't covered by insurance and I was running low on money. I did not have the foresight to get my mom insured, this part is crucial.

Listing what happened:

1. Mom (a diabetic from a few years) most probably had the heart-attack around 2 or 3 am in the morning. But she did not raise the alarm, somehow my sister noticed it and asked mom if she wasn't feeling well - I believed she dismissed my sister and told her not to wake-up anyone. Probably because of two reasons - she didn't want to be seen going in an ambulance - and she didn't want to bother me (I'm her son), its also possible she thought I might get irritated.

2. At approximately 10 in the morning - just as I was ready to go out for a walk - she said that she was having pain from the stomach to the chest. Now, I being the stupid idiot I am, assumed it was severe acidity - my mom had Gluten issues and would have stomach pains after eating rice, wheat or anything spicy or sour - the day before she cooked a spicy/sour curry (even though I kind of insisted that she don't).

3. I'm a chain-smoker and hadn't had my morning fix, so I was quite irritable and argued with my sister for buying that vegetable from the market. I was irritable, but took my mom to the nearest hospital.

4. I was still irritable at the hospital and had my sister pay for seeing the GP.

5. The GP saw my mother - but note: he did not say outright that it was a heart-attack - but ordered a bunch of tests - RBP, CBP, CUE, CSE, 2D Echo etc., He kind of mentioned towards the end to take a Cardiologists opinion. I wish he had told us outright to get her admitted right away.

6. Most of the tests were done, including the 2D Echo - where they just said the "heart rhythm" was irregular. The stool and urine reports were pending - as my mom didn't want to give the samples in the hospital's bathroom. And the GP disappeared, I think for close to 2 hours or more. In this time, we decided to return home. Our apartment's elevator hasn't been working for a couple of years - mom had to climb up to the 2nd floor. She was exhausted, she was already weak from diabetes.

7. I went back to the hospital, got the lab results and showed them to the GP - I was alone here - he said that it was a heart-attack, asked me why my mom appeared depressed (told him the truth - that it was most probably because of my dad's weird, cold and indifferent nature - an issue that has been going on for 40 years), he then asked me about my financial situation - I told him that I was between jobs and didn't have insurance - he told me that he would prescribe some meds to prevent another heart-attack - and go get an Aroyaghashri card (its like a health-card for the poor) on Monday from the MRO - and the treatment would be free. I took the meds and went home - even here if the GP had told to get her admitted - I would have done it.

8. I don't know whether I was plain stupid or just greedy about not spending money - that I didn't get her admitted immediately. It might have been a mix of both.

9. Mom passed stool later in the night - I went to the lab in the morning, but they wanted fresh samples. Went back home, later when I got the samples, went to the lab and gave them. They said they would have the reports in 30 minutes - knowing how India works - I went after 45 minutes - they delayed some more time and gave the report.

10. Went to the GP and showed the reports - he looked at the reports - I told him that mom was looking weak and if he could prescribe something for strength -he wrote down some power and asked to get a Cardiologist's opinion.

11. I immediately booked an appointment and saw the Cardiologist - now this guy starts asking why we delayed it - it seems all 2D Echo reports go through him and he was expecting to see us. He said to get mom immediately.

12. Went home, spoke to mom that she needs to see the Cardiologist - arranged for an ambulance, got her carried down the stairs and got her into the hospital to see the Cardiologist.

13. Now, the Cardiologist spoke for like 30 minutes - about this and that and explained about the heart - using the model on his desk etc., that modern methods don't require surgery. He suggested Angiogram to check for any blockages (note: mom was having shortness of breath at this time, weak, but reasonably ok).

14. After the Angiogram was done, he called me and sis and showed like 17-18 pics and that there was a block - and he suggested cleaning the block and putting a Stent. I immediately said yes and paid the whole amount (at billing) on my Credit-Card. He went ahead and after a couple of hours, called me and sis and showed us another 17-18 pics - that the blockage was cleared, he had some difficult time - due to a Calcium deposit, he had to use 2 balloons, etc., But it was a success, now we thought - we had succeeded in saving our mom.

But, she did 2 days later; they said that her urine output was low and started bi-carbonate, later they did Dialysis, then put her on ventilator, but she died - reason was that heart flatlined.

PLEASE BE HONEST, DID I DELAY MOM'S TREATMENT AND CAUSE HER DEATH?

I was never the good son, there were issues and arguments.

 

 

[Traz]

Dear Master Yoda,

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. NO, you did not cause her death in any way, shape or form. 

You are human and did not think your mom was in immediate danger. People who don't have universal health care know the nightmare of falling into deep debt over every test, procedure etc.. It's not bad to be concerned about this and you wanted to be sure you were doing the right thing. Forgive yourself. You are your mom's son and she loves you. You weren't a bad son - we all get angry and behave not in the way we should at times. You had no bad intentions toward your mom, you did what you thought was right and followed what the doctors said. I believe when it is a person's time to pass over from this earth, there is no stopping it. It was her time to depart and we don't get to understand why until we're reunited with them. That's just my personal belief anyway.  

Take care,

Traz

 

[Master Yoda]

Thank you! It's comforting to hear the words that I had no bad intentions - I think I was trying to put my finger on this. There were many many times I was mad at my mother - maybe in my heart of hearts wished for her to die - that still eats away at my soul. 

[Summersun]

Dear, you were misinformed. Nobody told you the truth. Not your responsibility to see into the future or possess medical knowledge you cannot have. I believe it is the medical systems fault, they need to operate on people right away, whether they have insurance or not. That this is not the case in most countries, shows us what a human life is worth -  nothing to most people, unless you are related to them.

I think it is when we have had a complicated relationship with our parents, that we feel especially guilty. But you were never responsible for her life in the first place, even though Indian culture and traditions might tell you differently.

My father is also a diabetic, and I know when something goes wrong with his heart, he will not make it for a long. You could have had the same outcome, even if they treated her right away. The problem is that we can never know that for sure and that is what is eating away at us.

I have the same problem: I wasn't even told that my mother was in the hospital and she had passed before I was called. Of course, in addition, we had had a fight before and therefore no communications in the days before. This will haunt me for the rest of my life, as I think her death could have been prevented if I had only been called. Seems like it was a doctor's mistake for a rather minor issue.

But she was too old to understand and they just operated on her and killed her.

Maybe we should form a subgroup on here for people with complicated grief, that is people who have had a rocky relationship with their family member before they lost them.

Or for people who feel that they are guilty in their family members passing. Or both.

It is often actually intertwined, one cannot take care of their parents as much as one might have wanted to, if the relationship has always been difficult. 

Dear Master Yoda, all I can tell you is that I have been reading on this app for about 8 months, sometimes going back to old posts, as long as 5 years ago.

There are many people who feel that they caused or added to their mother's or fathets death. And whenever you read the entry closely, you notice that it was a mistake of the medical profession. Without exception and in every single case, and I have read quite a few pages on here, and other websites.

We cannot expect ourselves to be doctors or nurses. We cannot know when something is urgent or not. We cannot call 50 hospitals in one city to ask if our mother has been admitted today, when she goes to a different hospital almost every month, as in my case. 

Unfortunately, we have to live with the result of these miss-treatments. What I know is that every mother loves their son and daughter!

And they would not want us to suffer, wherever they are. Please come here often and talk to us, I think it helps. And if you can, try to not blame yourself - she would not want that!

And she would also, in my humble opinion, be in no position to do so, because she probably thought more about what the neighbours think of her going away in an ambulance, than her actual physical life  - or what the loss of her life would mean to her children... old people are like that. 

My mother was the same, she would never ask for for help, even if she tumbled down the stairs and passed out. There is nothing we can do about it. I tried to get my mother a private nurse and she refused, until the day she died. Or until I was so irritated after taking care of her for 10 years, without her implementing a single thing I had suggested, that I just stopped calling, and of course in those 3 weeks she had to pass. 

So please don't blame yourself, timing is sometimes unfortunate and we can never do anything about it.

You know, your rocky relationship with her and that you you need nicotine etc to make it through the day is probably also partly your parents responsibility.

I have insomnia that I know relates back to my childhood, and a few other things, that I know kept me from being the perfect daughter I wanted to be. But you know, I did not know yours, but at least my mother was also far from being a perfect mother. 

And I think you did everything you possibly could, just read your own description - you ran about like crazy. It never seems like it was enough for ourselves, especially when it ends not well. But I can tell you, reading it from the outside it looks like you did a lot for her.

So please, please, I beg you: as hard as it is - try to be a little bit easier on yourself. That is a process and just takes time. And we can only try to support each other in it. We are here for you!

We know they are free from pain now, wherever they are. I will think of you and your family.

I'm sending you love and strength.

All the best, take care

summersun

[Traz]

Dear Master Yoda, 

We all have fleeting negative thoughts. Forgive yourself for yours. Remember, thoughts are not actions.

[Master Yoda]

It's nearly 8 months since my mother passed away - some days I don't ever think of her. Some days, I'm ashamed to ever face her again in the after-life, some days, for a few minutes - I miss her so badly that I could give up my life for just 3 minutes of face-to-face talk with my mother again. The only thing stopping me from completely giving up on life are my sister and dad for whom I'm responsible financially still. 

And I'm scared that I'll lose my dad - that can't happen before my sister is settled, any Indian or Asian will understand the dilemma here. I have to move forward, but it's difficult with my guilt weighing me down. 

[Summersun]

Good to hear from you. Did you read my reply in October? 

Happy new year Yoda. Guilt is also a coping mechanism. Sometimes the only way we can endure the fact that our loved ones are gone.  (Because it suggests to our mind that a different outcome might have been possible, even if we have absolutely no prove for that. I think it's a game of the mind to not feel actually the grief that might overcome us if we stopped all the what ifs. Also, unfortunately, nothing we can control as the mind just does what it wants)

I still feel guilt all the time as well, especially at night time.

If you would ask around on this website, a lot of  people feel guilty,  in different degrees of course. It seems to be part of the grieving process.

If we can accept it as such, maybe it is a little bit easier to bear.

All the best to you.

[Master Yoda]

Thanks Summersun, I did read your post - believe me it helps. I always thought of myself as very logical and slightly heartlessly cold, months afterwards, the grief seems to be slowly becoming more frequent. I can't watch any emotional scenes in movies or dramas, especially sick and dying people on - without getting at least teary eyed. Everything seems like a chore, something you HAVE to do, without any zest or inclination for doing it. 

[Master Yoda]

Can't stop grieving; looks like all the grief that I didn't experience then is hitting me now, my heart physically aches at times. I can't devastate my sister and dad further - they'll be destitute if anything happens to me, but I still can't put a lid on this or stop it. 

[JohnInVenice]

I understand your feelings very well--my mother died 4 months ago, and it does not seem like I am really working through it.  I recognize, however, that a great deal of these struggles stem from the dissonance in our thoughts as much as our hearts.  You mentioned that you are typically "very logical".... I would describe myself in equal terms, I am an analyst and problem solver by nature and vocation.  In our cases, I think that this driving sense of logic works against us.  We face a nonnegotiable loss--you cannot think through it, you cannot solve it, and your effort to establish cause and effect, even including blaming yourself, is your logical mind stuck in overdrive, trying to problem-solve an unsolvable problem, a line of program effected by a circular loop of specious logic. 

If you are a man who has gotten through life using logic and reason, if you generally think your way through challenges, then it feels like your superpower died with your mother.  For all of our struggles as son and mother, and there were many, I feel vulnerable in the wake of her death.  I am not use to that feeling.  Consider that this, rather than guilt, may be a big component that is keeping both of us from moving forward.

My sister died 11 years ago, an ER nurse who took her own life.  Her ashes were still in a box under my mother's bed, thus I had to bury both of them at the same time.  And I find that I cannot visualize anything, after decades of this relationship, other than my mother lying dead next to the bed, and my sister's suicide has left me wondering since that fateful day, what could I have done better as a brother? 

My friend, everyone's advice here regarding mourning and emotions is applicable and well stated but consider this:  losing your mother has made you feel powerless, and fearful.  We both have to stop analyzing this loss, and allow ourselves to simply feel it, and you must not, in any manner, leave others to be as equally confused, heartbroken, and baffled as you are feeling now.  I can read between the lines of your last post---don't let your mind go there.  You have to tell your mind to shut up and just let your heart do the thinking here.  You recognize the devastation that it would cause to your father and sister, and your friends were harm to come to you...that is good, hold that tightly.  Stop trying to figure it out, it's not math, it's just life, and life is not an algorithm.  I wish for you to be okay, so keep your wits about you, and talk to people face to face, if you can.  We are not omnipotent or omniscient.  Give yourself a break, brother. Some people die as children, some live very long... your mother simply died in her time. As did mine (also from a heart condition).  We will be alright, be patient with yourself.  

Warmly, John

[Master Yoda]

Thanks John, I'm not very good with words or expressing myself very clearly, but I really feel the burden you carry. Thank you sincerely. Please take care of yourself too. 

[Lal Anar]

Master Yoda
I am same situation like you. I also believed, that I caused my mother death. I hate myself, but MORE than this what makes me really really sad, that WISH if I had taken my mother to hospital earlier,  what if what if........ this WHAT IF circulates my mind day and night. Some nights I don't sleep, wake up after 1 or 2 hours of sleep in middle of night. Thinking non-stop

My mother was 86 years old, when her dialysis started, she could not tolerate dialysis. Her heart got weaker and weaker. She was getting blood transfusion every week due to loss of blood during dialysis.
All this lasted 3 months. Some dialysis sessions her heart beat was too high, some sessions her heart beat became so low in low 20's. The day before she passed away, her heart beat became very low, she was sent to ICU. I was informed that dialysis department sending her to ICU. Next morning ICU called and said her heart stopped.

I was scared of dialysis. Some doctors told me that this age its very complicated to tolerate dialysis especially old frail people like my mother.

[Master Yoda]

I'm so sorry for you. I don't know what to say that would be of some comfort to you. But, I think you were better than me in the situation.

[Lal Anar]

Master Yoda,

I feel for you. what u going thru, i know. Did i delay hooking my mother to dialysis ? I feel, if I taken her year before or few months prior, may be out come would have been different ? Did i delay her treatment ? These questions disturbs me day and night

[Traz]

Hello,

Just my two cents here...

I really feel a lot in life is about intention and your motives. I believe If you did not intentionally set out to cause your loved one's death, there is nothing to feel guilty for. If you deliberately delayed treatment knowing the outcome would be death, than that is something different.

But from what I have read here, many feel burdened by these feelings of tremendous guilt and it's difficult to move forward. Sometimes we may even have thoughts like we wish the dying person would just go (if there is great suffering) or if the relationship was abusive or manipulative, there may be negative thoughts associated with that person. They are just thoughts. Nothing more. We are all human. 

I do believe in a... higher source of consciousness (?) be it God or whomever is running the universe I also believe that when your time is completed here, there's no stopping what is meant to happen. We have no control over that and I really hope everyone finds peace within themselves somehow. It is not your fault your loved one passed. I feel confident that they would be distressed at your turmoil and don't want that for you. 

I hope somehow you all find peace within and know that you're all good humans. ♡

Traz

[saraiee]

Dear Master Yoda

My mother died few hours ago and the last part that you explained about the hospital is exactly the same as my mom's.....she went through anesthesia for her gallbladder stone...and the rest is the same as yours. 

I'm sorry for your loss

 

[KayC]

@saraiee I am so sorry for your loss. 
Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song

[Master Yoda]

I'm in my forties and haven't maintained a Journal - now looking back, I can't decide how much I have failed as a son. Whether I could have made my mother happier in some way or other and avoided her death. At times, its a struggle to decide why I shouldn't simply give-up and wait for the end or hasten it in some way. I'm ashamed, confused, but still cannot cry my eyes out - I don't know why. It feels like my entire life is a failure and I have just ruined my family's happiness - that ultimately ended in my mother simply giving-up on life and dying. I don't know. 

[Traz]

Master Yoda, 

I'm so sorry to read how much you are still struggling. I'm not a professional by any means, but I sense severe depression and ideation about not being here anymore. 

I would really suggest seeing a therapist to help you with your loss and to pinpoint why you carry so much guilt. CBT would probably really help redirect your thoughts and thinking patterns.

You feel you were not a good son and it is weighing  heavily on you. We all wonder whether we could have been better sons or daughters, regret not doing more, saying more, being more. We are human beings, all of us flawed. Your mother is in an enlightened, spiritual state now. She knows everything and forgives everything. You don't need to carry that burden any longer. 

 

Wishing you peace, love and light.

Traz