Grieving as the Other Woman

[caligal29]

My love left this life in December of last year. He didn't get to meet his son who was born in January. There have been so many ups and downs. Grief combined with postpartum depression hasn't been easy. I've talked to a grief counselor who has helped tremendously, but I still have lots of healing to do.

There were so many things left unfinished. Our relationship wasn't the most traditional. I was the other woman. Actually, I was one of many.

We met when he was working in the town I live in. We kept bumping into each other and he finally asked me out.

He had the prettiest eyes. Staring into his eyes made me feel like I could see straight to his soul. He was a charmer and so easy to fall in love with.

He did and said all of the right things. I thought I was the luckiest person in the world because I had found a great guy.

We dreamed of what our future would look like. Where we would get married, where we would live, how many kids we would have.

I found out about his wife when she came to visit him. I was furious. But I believed him when he said things were over between them.

Shortly after that, I found out I was pregnant. We were both so excited. It would be a fresh start for us both.

Except that didn't happen. He never left his wife, and he didn't leave me either. We found out the baby was a boy. He got to hear the heartbeat and see the baby on the ultrasound.

Cancer took him away before our baby was born. He was trying to hold on as long as he could, but he didn't make it.

He left a huge hole in my heart. Some days I feel like giving up, but day by day I'm trying to move foward.

[Lost7]

Caligal29 

I am very sorry for your loss. You're doing what you can do which is coming to this forum and talking about your love and your loss. And taking step forward is all we can do. Your son will become your source of strength. I will be praying for your peace as you move through your grief.

Blessings Lost7 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I know easy to say, but believe me when I tell you we've all felt the cost of those words and understand, circumstances vary for each of us yet we know the price of not having them here with us.

Can you get soc. sec. for your child? Just a random thought of a practical issue.  How old is your baby now?

I hope you find comfort going through this with us, it helps to come online and read/post, it helps us process our grief and we all bolster each other so we can get through another day.

I'm sorry he withheld details from you like being married.  So hard!  Yet you survived that and I want you to know you'll get through this too, one day at a time.  It's how I've lived the last 17 years...

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[Secretly Grieving]

I lost my married lover couple of months ago, it was sudden, no last goodbyes. We were friends for couple of years, just past one year became very close. He said I was the only one he had relationship in his 29 years of marriage. All the time he wished we had met earlier. It is extremely difficult to cope with the loss. We would talk couple of hours everyday. Miss the talks, friendship and closeness. We knew we loved each other, but never got around saying it, did say we cared a lot for each other. 
Cannot discuss this with anyone, trying to keep my sanity. Did not know what the future held for us, the sudden loss is unbearable. Don’t know if our relationship would have ended or progressed where he would leave his wife. 
i miss him so so much — we had so much in common, discussing everything under the sun, the companionship, the romance …. It is extremely difficult to get over. Taking a day at a time. 

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Secretly Grieving said:

I lost my married lover couple of months ago, it was sudden, no last goodbyes. We were friends for couple of years, just past one year became very close. He said I was the only one he had relationship in his 29 years of marriage. All the time he wished we had met earlier. It is extremely difficult to cope with the loss. We would talk couple of hours everyday. Miss the talks, friendship and closeness. We knew we loved each other, but never got around saying it, did say we cared a lot for each other. 
Cannot discuss this with anyone, trying to keep my sanity. Did not know what the future held for us, the sudden loss is unbearable. Don’t know if our relationship would have ended or progressed where he would leave his wife. 
i miss him so so much — we had so much in common, discussing everything under the sun, the companionship, the romance …. It is extremely difficult to get over. Taking a day at a time. 

Oh my dear friend, how hard your heart must be grieving in secret, carrying this all alone!  My heart goes out to you!  I hope you can journal and thus get it out.  Go ahead, talk to him, maybe he can hear you, it doesn't hurt to try!  Let him know how very much you miss him.  I've heard it said and believe, the love doesn't die, merely their bodies give up.  Sending you wishes for comfort and peace in these days ahead.  Do you have any friends or family you can talk to?  You could see a counselor too but be careful, not to get one that is judgmental or tries to talk you out of your feelings.  They are very real.  I had a counselor try that once.  After my George died, I wrote her and told her what a great husband he'd been to me, what a wonderful stepdad to my kids, how happy we'd been...and he died but the memories with him would carry me all my life and they have...it's been over 17 years since he died.  I did not hear back from her (big surprise!) but I wanted her to know...you can't talk someone out of their love...
I want to leave this with you as well...
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[caligal29]

On 10/16/2022 at 7:56 AM, KayC said:

I am so sorry for your loss.  I know easy to say, but believe me when I tell you we've all felt the cost of those words and understand, circumstances vary for each of us yet we know the price of not having them here with us.

Can you get soc. sec. for your child? Just a random thought of a practical issue.  How old is your baby now?

I hope you find comfort going through this with us, it helps to come online and read/post, it helps us process our grief and we all bolster each other so we can get through another day.

I'm sorry he withheld details from you like being married.  So hard!  Yet you survived that and I want you to know you'll get through this too, one day at a time.  It's how I've lived the last 17 years...

I'm unable to get soc. sec. for my baby.  There is no legal proof of who his father is.

My baby is 9 months old. 

I have been reading through so many posts.  Hearing everyone's experiences has helped.  I don't feel so alone.

[caligal29]

14 hours ago, Secretly Grieving said:

I lost my married lover couple of months ago, it was sudden, no last goodbyes. We were friends for couple of years, just past one year became very close. He said I was the only one he had relationship in his 29 years of marriage. All the time he wished we had met earlier. It is extremely difficult to cope with the loss. We would talk couple of hours everyday. Miss the talks, friendship and closeness. We knew we loved each other, but never got around saying it, did say we cared a lot for each other. 
Cannot discuss this with anyone, trying to keep my sanity. Did not know what the future held for us, the sudden loss is unbearable. Don’t know if our relationship would have ended or progressed where he would leave his wife. 
i miss him so so much — we had so much in common, discussing everything under the sun, the companionship, the romance …. It is extremely difficult to get over. Taking a day at a time. 

I'm so sorry for your loss! Life can be so messy and unpredictable at times. Hugs to you!

14 hours ago, Secretly Grieving said:

I lost my married lover couple of months ago, it was sudden, no last goodbyes. We were friends for couple of years, just past one year became very close. He said I was the only one he had relationship in his 29 years of marriage. All the time he wished we had met earlier. It is extremely difficult to cope with the loss. We would talk couple of hours everyday. Miss the talks, friendship and closeness. We knew we loved each other, but never got around saying it, did say we cared a lot for each other. 
Cannot discuss this with anyone, trying to keep my sanity. Did not know what the future held for us, the sudden loss is unbearable. Don’t know if our relationship would have ended or progressed where he would leave his wife. 
i miss him so so much — we had so much in common, discussing everything under the sun, the companionship, the romance …. It is extremely difficult to get over. Taking a day at a time. 

I'm so sorry for your loss! Life can be so messy and unpredictable at times. Hugs to you!

[Secretly Grieving]

Thank you all for your support and understanding. It is a relief to write here. Trying to take a day at a time. Thank you again.

[Maria_PI]

I am so sorry for your loss, Caligal29! Grieving the the loss of a loved one and at such a young age is hard enough and not being able to talk about it openly is an added burden. I hope you find strength to go on for your child and because of him. It’s good that you found this forum to share your story and hopefully help you heal your soul, but please, do not be afraid to ask for help from people around you as I can only imagine you need so much in such vulnerable state. Sending you love and hugs!

[KayC]

22 hours ago, caligal29 said:

I'm unable to get soc. sec. for my baby.  There is no legal proof of who his father is.

My baby is 9 months old. 

I have been reading through so many posts.  Hearing everyone's experiences has helped.  I don't feel so alone.

I am so sorry, I wondered about that, if only they'd take affidavits from family.  So unfair, I'm sure he'd have never wanted things to go as they have.

I do hope it continues to help you by reading other's feelings/thoughts...it may not change anything but just to know you're definitely not alone in your feelings.  

13 hours ago, Secretly Grieving said:

Thank you all for your support and understanding. It is a relief to write here. Trying to take a day at a time. Thank you again.

All we can do!  (((hugs))) to you and @caligal29

[Secretly Grieving]

It is so comforting to share my feelings here as I cannot discuss my situation with anyone. Thank you for not judging me. I never had dreamt that I would fall in love with a married man, but it just silently grew till it was too late. I read somewhere___ “our love existed between what if and if only” …. So true for me. 

[KayC]

I'm sorry you feel you can't discuss with anyone, not even a close friend.  What I find truly sad is that you have no "safe place" to be yourself, we all need that, although honestly, I don't know that I have that anymore either, I did...then after 13 years discovered he was married!  (We'd been engaged for a year, I met everyone in his family, neighborhood, friends, not one of them told me!  We even went to premarital counseling together!  We ended up parting when his mom was dying but resumed as friends, good friends over the years...until I learned I'd been lied to and betrayed big time!).

[Secretly Grieving]

Betrayal is so painful. My situation - best not to discuss with any friends, don’t want to face the judge mental looks right now. So many thought go through my mind —- did he ever love me? What was the future? Not being able to say goodbye or tell him that I loved him is very painful. I am sure time will help me handle this. Then when I hear all the condolences given to his wife, saying what a loving marriage they had … I just keep quiet. 

[KayC]

As II hit the emoticon, I don't know what to hit so hit like, but honestly, I have a mixture of emotions rush in at once, both wow, and sorrow, and just everything rushing in at once.  It's a lot to go through at once.  Damned if you're not carrying a heavy load at once...too alone.  They don't even have an emoticon for that.