My Beautiful Boy

[catawampus]

My precious boy Ellis passed yesterday. He was not the first kitty under my care who's passed. Each death has brought with it such sadness that I can scarcely breathe. But Ellis was special. He was quirky and odd and we understood each other perfectly. He was my little man, my best friend, my confident. I have never had the same deep relationships with people that I've had with my cats. Ellis was a soul mate. He had such life and yet these past few months due to so much turmoil in my life I had not spent much time with him. He had started to prefer laying off by himself the past few months. I thought it was because of the heat but now I think it was because of the cancer I didn't notice. He'd struggled with congestive heart failure for 3 years. He had kidney disease and finally, 4 days ago, cancer was discovered in his kidneys, spleen, liver and gastrointestinal tract. They think it had even spread to his bones. But it was heart failure that killed him. Two days ago he suddenly lost the use of his back legs. They think because he threw a blood clot. Like with the other kitties I've lost over the years, guilt is tearing me apart. I had stopped giving him his special prescription kidney diet food because of money issues. There were days when I'd forgot to give him his heart meds which had to be distributed twice daily at 12 hour intervals. I'd miss a morning dose and then didn't want to place the dosages too close together for fear of hurting him. I think that my mistakes helped push him over the edge. Cancer may have taken him some day soon but I feel as though my poor judgement killed him. I killed my best friend. I now know that I don't deserve happiness. Or peace. I deserve this sadness and heartbreak. 

I want to join him. I've lost so many kitties. I want to see them all again. I'm tired of this world. Tired of the sadness, the pain, and the suffering. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Finally be at peace.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, catawampus said:

I killed my best friend. I now know that I don't deserve happiness. Or peace. I deserve this sadness and heartbreak. 

Oh dear friend, I went through it with you when you lost Biscuit and now you've lost Ellis.  They are in our lives for a time...all too short.  It's not that you didn't deserve to have him or that you deserve this heartbreak, I don't feel that for a moment!  You know I was struck with the harshest news of my life when my husband died over 17 years ago.  And again when my Arlie died of cancer...he'd had a clean bill of health just two weeks before his diagnosis, inoperable and with liver failure...he lived another two months and ten days, I did everything I could for him, they didn't help me at all, I provided his hospice at home.  Those two months were precious and indescribably hard.  He was a huge dog, lived to 11 1/2.  You can read his story here:

 

 

Just 4 1/2 months later my Kitty followed suit, only much quicker, her kidneys and liver had shut down.

Did I also deserve this?  Answer me that and you've answered your own question...

Sending you the best wishes for comfort and peace to come to you somehow.

You can rest assured your kitty is at peace now...

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died 17 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[catawampus]

Thank you, KayC. You are always a voice of wisdom and kindness on these forums. As always, I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I wish none of us had to deal with such devastating loss but I'm grateful there are those who understand and can offer comfort and guidance borne, unfortunately, from personal experience. The solace from your words is heartening.

[KayC]

Thinking of you today, dear friend.  I am so sorry you're going through it again, all too soon.  I'd be a basket case if something happened to my Kodie!  BTW, I had him licensed as a service dog!
My favorite aunt just died, my sister I was really close to died Mar. 28th.  So hard to always be going through this.  I guess (in my case) it's part of aging.

[catawampus]

I'm so sorry about your aunt and sister. So much loss. It never seems to get any easier yet we endure. Thank you for sharing. 

Kodie is adorable! How long have you had him? Since a puppy? Or was he a rescue?

[AJWCat]

I am so sorry to read about your sweet kitty Ellis. My heart breaks that you feel so guilty. Ellis was very fragile with cancer throughout. Unfortunately no matter the food or the meds and how perfectly delivered, the body just gives in.

At least you were there for him every step of the way. I am so sorry for your loss, I know how hard it is.  

[KayC]

15 hours ago, catawampus said:

I'm so sorry about your aunt and sister. So much loss. It never seems to get any easier yet we endure. Thank you for sharing. 

Kodie is adorable! How long have you had him? Since a puppy? Or was he a rescue?

Kodie was conceived when Arlie died Aug. 2019 and born on  my birthday Oct 2019, my son brought him Dec. 2019.  It was amazing really, usually you have to put in an order sight unseen for a Klee Kai for a year, pay $3,500 upfront, fly them into Portland OR, drive across the state to pick them up.  

This one was two miles from my son's in a little obscure town Aumsville!  The breeder owned the mom and dad and it was his first litter!  And he sold him for only $800!  It was $450 for mutts at rescues, many of which had issues, as I discovered when I had one bite me four times and had to return him.  (terrifying experience from Loved Again Pets)

He was so adorable, day one!  I fell in love, still grieving Arlie, and I realize he will never "replace" Arlie, for no one could do that, but he did create his own spot in my heart.  I can't imagine life without him in it now.  I do worry what will happen when he goes, alas this is the price we pay for loving...but neither do I want it to stop me from living/loving.  He literally makes my day.

15 hours ago, catawampus said:

It never seems to get any easier yet we endure.

Yes, so true, esp. the older we get.  I turned 70 this month and Kodie three.  It goes so fast.

I hope some of the "guilt" articles were of help to you.  I think it takes viewing them a few times to sink in.

Hoping your days get a little better...