When one loss compounds another

[widower2]

Have dealt with this before over the years, I'm sure I'm not the only one......it may not seem as "big" but the latest is my best friend's mother, who is like a second mother to me, is not doing well and is probably near the end. Any "big" loss at this point in my life is really hard after losing the love of my life. Just wondering about other's experiences with this. 

[Sally72]

I haven’t personally had the exact same situation but fairly close. For me it brought back so much of the feelings of loss! As encouragement though, I did find that after processing through it the “second time” so to speak, I found in a strange way an even deeper level of healing for my own heart! That is my encouragement to you to “embrace” the emotions of you can and “process” through them. For me talking, (my way of “processing”) was/is crucial. Each person has their own individual was of processing and however you do that is ok! Just be sure to work through it and not shut down if you can manage it. If the timing is not right for that it’s ok too, no judgment, just sharing what has helped me. YMMV! 🤍 Prayers as you navigate this widower2, Sally72 🙏🙏🙏 

[KayC]

My compound was my sister, a huge loss, the end of March.  I'm sorry you're going through this, @widower2

[SSC]

Two years after my husband passed I lost my mother. Grief on top of grief, I felt I was a pro and enveloped her passing as part of my new life.  I was able to help my siblings with their pain as I fully understood how to look for signs of deep grief and be there for them with a listening ear, a hug and words of love.  Now my dear Aunt, my mother’s twin, is quickly declining. It’s like watching my mother die all over again.  I am fortunate I am close with my two sisters and we can discuss and work thru our feelings.  However, I seem to be the only one who feels more a part of the group of those who have passed on or are about to than the living.  It’s strange.  One foot in this world, one foot in the afterlife.

[SSC]

I’m praying for you during this difficult time @widower2.  So sorry 

[Gail 8588]

12 hours ago, widower2 said:

. . . Any "big" loss at this point in my life is really hard after losing the love of my life. 

Widower2, 

Sometimes I just want to shout "Nobody else can die. I can't take any more death."

As if that mattered.  Four months before my husband died, a very good friend of ours died after 8 years of ALS decline. Then my husband died and and we 2 widows tried to "be there" for the other, but it was really hard for both of us. My sister in law, who helped me so much when her brother died lost her husband to a heart attack last year. My brother lost his wife this past January. My husband's brother now has an aggressive brain tumor.  My brother is in the hospital with sepsis.  

All of these deaths and serious illnesses tear me up now.  I am so very sorry for what they are facing and it does bring back memories of my loss too. 

Sadly, at my age I can only expect more of this  as time goes by. 

I don't like it at all. 

Gail 

[widower2]

Thank you all for the responses. As I told my best friend when his mom started going downhill and was admitted to a nursing home, I'm so sick of seeing people I care about suffer. Life can be so damned cruel. 

[Sim7079]

Life is so cruel sometimes. Thinking of you. 

[AJ4]

Each loss seems to hit harder now.   I don't know how that's possible but I feel more sensitizied rather than numb (at first I was more numb).   In the past week a friend of mind died and also the mother of a childhood friend died suddenly.  I don't know what to say, but I guess just know that I sympathize with your feelings.  

[widower2]

Me and my big mouth. Just found out my best friend's mom passed away (she was like a second mother to me). But really she was frail and suffering and not even eating in the home she was in, so I'm glad she's not suffering any more. Just that it's another person gone.

[Roseapple]

A friend told me her aunt was just diagnosed and it’s fast and untreatable. I don’t even know her aunt but she is my friend and it hurts me to know what comes her way. 
One of my fathers best friends was diagnosed years ago. He and is wife and my parents are very good friends, my sister and me we like them a lot. Now In the last couple months it seems to have taken a bad turn. I have noticed how I tried to distance myself more from them, I don’t even ask my dad how he is doing. I am absolutely terrified to get that phone call. I know it will come. 

[Sparky1]

 

@widower2, so sorry for the loss of your friend's mother.

We just buried my mother in law yesterday. She died 2 weeks before the anniversary of my wife's passing. I also have a friend whose mother is in the hospital and who is not doing too well. My mother in law's brother died a month and a half after my wife passed away. My mother in law's only sibling that is left is fighting problems with his prostate. 

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry, we all know what that other loss is...and I just learned yesterday that my favorite aunt died the night before.  She had dementia.  

[Sim7079]

So sorry to hear about all the other losses, as well as close family and friends that have Ill health. I’m not sure how I will feel If I experience any other losses. Probably a bit numb. I’m still consumed with the loss of the love of my life, don’t think I have room to deal with anything else - so yes I agree no more death please.

 

[widower2]

I'm sorry for those of you experiencing similar losses. Looks like I'm not the only one who is growing to hate October.

 

2 minutes ago, Sim7079 said:

So sorry to hear about all the other losses, as well as close family and friends that have Ill health. I’m not sure how I will feel If I experience any other losses. Probably a bit numb. I’m still consumed with the loss of the love of my life, don’t think I have room to deal with anything else - so yes I agree no more death please.

That's kind of how I feel. I think I exhausted my supply of tears with the loss of the love of my life. I've cried little if any for other losses, and feeling a bit guilty about that, they certainly deserve the tears after all. I think that grieving part of me is just worn out.

[Jemiga70]

@widower2  I'm so sorry.  MiL passed 3 months ago today, unexpectedly. She passed 14 months after her daughter -- my beautiful wife.  I think I went numb, still am numb. It's too much, can't process...as you said "the grieving part of me is worn out."  I can't really believe any of this has happened. To make matters worse, MiL's surviving child has contested her Will, which just stalls growth of any kind of space around all this grief. I notice how terrified Ive become about losing family or friends.  Nobody else is allowed to go. Take care widower2,

[KayC]

The person that did my living will put in a clause about "If anyone contests my will, they'll get $1."  I didn't think it necessary to put that in but gosh, if this woman's daughter is...

I'm sorry, Jemiga.  It's so hard, these are definitely not the golden years.  Some going on cruises and the rest of us...no one to live our lives with or care.  Always alone.  Yet preferable to being around all the noise/commotion this weekend.

[widower2]

10 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

@widower2  I'm so sorry.  MiL passed 3 months ago today, unexpectedly. She passed 14 months after her daughter -- my beautiful wife.  I think I went numb, still am numb. It's too much, can't process...as you said "the grieving part of me is worn out."  I can't really believe any of this has happened. To make matters worse, MiL's surviving child has contested her Will, which just stalls growth of any kind of space around all this grief. I notice how terrified Ive become about losing family or friends.  Nobody else is allowed to go. Take care widower2,

My beloved's kids contested her will as well and it was a nightmarish battle, sorry that you have to go through anything similar. People are just unreal.

Kay I think that's a good idea on your will, I really don't see my family doing any of this but I like the concept!

[Ronni_W]

On 10/14/2022 at 12:25 AM, widower2 said:

Any "big" loss at this point in my life is really hard after losing the love of my life. Just wondering about other's experiences with this. 

My experience? My Mom died ten (10) months after I found out that my best friend and ally and supporter -- the only one in my life who truly "got" all of me -- had died. In and within that context or 'environment', my 'loss' (the 'death from Earth') of my mom is still as if nothing really at all (in 'comparison'). Is my experience. Still, for me, my mom's death is not a "big" loss...but also neither just a "small" or "insignificant" loss -- of course it was/is also big and major and significant. But, at the same time, it just cannot 'find a place' to 'fit in' with my trauma-of-loss of my life partner, which I was already dealing with at the time of my mom's death, and for months before my mom died. (Will or will not make sense to some readers of this post.)

What I do find totally 'weird', is that some people do not, cannot or will not acknowledge their loss (whether of love-of-their-life, or parent, or sibling, or beloved pet, etc.), as being significant enough to share with 'new people' that they subsequently meet in a new job or new social circle.  For me personally, to NOT mention that I lost my spouse in the past year, or two or ten, just seems...???

Edited to add. It's not, I don't think at the moment, that I'm completely oblivious, blind and ignorant of "current losses compounding prior losses". Only. How much of it are we actually bringing upon and dumping on our own self? (Or, asked another way, for how much of it can we actually help our self, but don't see/accept our own power to do exactly that -- to actually help our self at psychological, metaphysical or 'spiritual' levels)?) Again, if the wrong (sub)forum, then, Admins, please just move the post to a "more appropriate" sub-forum.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Ronni_W said:

For me personally, to NOT mention that I lost my spouse in the past year, or two or ten, just seems...???

Every work environment is different.  The one I was in when George died was amazing!  They exemplify what we'd all want in a boss and coworkers, they truly were.  HOWEVER, my next place was the opposite.  It was a year after he died and these were young people who had not a clue nor cared to, my boss's brain came out of a crackerjack box, seriously.  That's all I can say, I think I casually mentioned my loss in passing once and no one picked up on it or cared.  It was a place you did not socialize in the least...nor would ever care to.  I did my job and came home.  Was never so glad as to retire!

[DMB]

I just attended a funeral and a baby shower in the same day last weekend.  My friend, lifelong, she was one of my bridesmaids, lost her brother to cancer.  He was only 59.  She is also coming up on her husband's 1st anniversary.  He died 2 days before Thanksgiving from covid.  She is one of 6 and has 1 sibling left that she doesn't talk to.  She tried to keep some family out of his viewing.  It's so sad.  I was very anxious about going and seeing her.  I didn't really cry until we got to the cemetery and with all the procession traffic, I ended up being directed to park on the roadway that's right next to my husband.  So, on my way up the hill, I just stood by our grave site and cried for a few minutes.  When death is around it brings back a lot of stuff for all of us.

[KayC]

@DMB  I am so sorry, how very hard!