Lost my wife and son in a car accident

[Bryant]

I lost my wife and son in a accident Oct 4th. This is really hard I would like to talk to someone that went though something like this. 

[Sally72]

Hi Bryant! I lost my husband almost 5 years ago now so I can relate to what you are going through in relation to the loss of a spouse. I’m so sorry for your double loss! ((hugs)) Please know that there is no “right” way to do this journey and that it is ok to share anything here that you are feeling. Everyone here cares so much! Please be gentle and understanding of yourself as you continue to navigate your loss, and know that you are not completely alone, for what it’s worth we all care. 🤍 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Bryant said:

I lost my wife and son in a accident Oct 4th. This is really hard I would like to talk to someone that went though something like this. 

I am so sorry, @Bryant for both of your losses, either of which is devastating in and of itself, but together, I can imagine how truly lost you must feel.  And my imagination doesn't begin to do justice to the hell you are living in.  I want to encourage you to continue to come here, read, post, all of these people collectively can help you, even while they themselves are grieving.  It's a family of sorts, all of us muddling through this together.  Prayers and hugs to you!
Multiple Losses

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Lost7]

Bryant 

No words that I say can even begin to help your devastating pain.But I am truly sorry for your loss. Just know that I am here to pray for you and your tremendous loss of your wife and son. I can say you are not alone in the journey of grief. I lost my husband 9 months ago to COVID-19 he was a picture of health never even been to the hospital until he contracted COVID. I'm sure you are feeling numb heavy hearted lonely. Do whatever it takes to help you deal with the crushing blow of grief. Come in here reading others people's journeys and writing when I feel like it has helped me. 

Blessings Lost7 

[April Ballou]

@Bryant I am so very sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband 2 years ago.  I dont know exactly what you are going through but I have good ears.  Im willing to listen.  And I will pray for you.  Feel free to post whatever you have on your mind.  

[BohoKat]

@Bryant I am so sorry about the loss of your wife and son so recently. Losing both of them seems impossible to cope with to me. I do understand your reaching out for someone in similar circumstances. I can imagine you encountering silence as people don’t know what to say to you in such grief.

I can tell you the opposite situation. My dear husband died after a 15 month battle with liver cancer. So some people, trying to be comforting, say “Well, at least you had time to grieve and prepare yourself.” I’m an extremely nonviolent person, but that made me want to get physical. I have to remind myself they are not being hurtful, just doing the best they can just like me.

Even if I had a century, I would never have been ready for him to go. We were soulmates, together decades, but time together is no measure of the hole it blows in your world when loved ones go. There are lots of kind and knowledgeable folks on this site that have helped me. I hope you find the same. Peace, BohoKat