Missing my mommy

[Babeehawk]

Hi everyone, my name is Leannette and this is my first time on here. I lost my mom to stage four lung cancer a few months ago on June 12th. I lost her three weeks before having my first child which she was beyond excited for. We all found out she had stage four cancer a few days before Christmas and a month or so after I found out I was finally pregnant. We were all told she had about a year of life left. My husband and I only got to enjoy a little bit of our pregnancy because my mom deteriorated so quickly. They started her on chemo and radiation even though her form of cancer was incurable and was not treatable by any of the medications. They were trying anything and everything to help her. She handled everything perfectly too; no side effects except a little nausea. She was in so much pain she tried to commit suicide twice by overdosing. We called 911 though and she was given Narcan twice the first time and she thought my dad and I told them to give it to her and refused to talk to us til after she got out of the hospital. The second time she tried was the night she was told she only had 3-6 months left and that nothing was helping so they were stopping treatment. After seeing her suffer for so long, sometimes I wish I’d known she would be going through all of that at the end because I would’ve let her do what she wanted with her life instead of stopping her. Right after she was told 3 to 6 months hospice was brought in. The first night that Hospice was there she told him that she was having trouble sleeping because of the pain so they asked if she had ever tried a sleeping medication which she had and they asked me what milligram she was taking instead of looking at her charts. So they ended up giving her so much that she slept for the first three days. when she finally woke up she was never the same and never was able to talk again. The only words that she could say were I love you too. She could barely smile, she was mentally gone, and all she could feel his pain. She was in so much pain the last couple weeks the hospice suggested she go to the ER Texas her port to give her IV medication‘s. That was a pointless idea because they sent her home two hours later with nothing different. We ended up getting it all figured out the next day which is when one of the hospice nurses told me that that would be the last conversation that I would have with my mom and that it would be any day that she would pass. Not even a week later my mom passed in my arms. She stopped being able to breathe very well, she stopped eating and drinking which was the hardest realization for me out of this entire thing, and she could not move at all. My dad, a family friend, and I take turns holding her hand and being with her for 10 days straight around the clock. What’s crazy to me is that we all been sitting there for days and this was the first time that I have been completely alone with my mom without my dad or the friend and the moment they walked away she took one long breath (which I had read would mean it’s now the end). All I could do is run screaming for my dad and he ran out to her and held her as she took her last breath with us there. Show me people told me that I shouldn’t have gone through that experience and then we should’ve put her in a home even though her wish was to die at home with us. I told my dad that I cannot see her take her last breath because it would just kill me but it ended up happening and now I am glad that I was there when she did take her last breath and leave this world. The only problem now is that when I’m completely alone like driving to the store or running an errand by myself that my moms life flashes before my eyes quickly. From the moment that my husband told me that my mom had stage four lung cancer and was dying to the last breath she took in her silhouette up you when I think about my mom or close my eyes. my moms life flashes before my eyes quickly. From the moment that my husband told me that my mom had stage four lung cancer and was dying to the last breath she took in her silhouette up on that hospital bed. That’s all I see when I think about my mom or I close my eyes. I have been lucky enough to not have to hear that noise that she was making when she went. It was the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life. Now when I see that and think of her, I get this overwhelming feeling of wanting to be with her so bad that I would do anything. I catch myself thinking that our son would be ok with his dad; that his dad is the best dad and he could raise him by himself so that I could be with my mom. I feel like I’m torn in between this denial stage where I can’t imagine that she’s actually gone and that she’s just gonna pop up one day and this thought that I cannot live without her and that I am so disappointing to myself that I would even have the thought of leaving my son. He’s literally our dream come true but that loss is been so devastating that I don’t know what to do. I’ve been pushing it away and not dealing with it because my life is so chaotic right now but it’s starting to catch up with me. I’m scared of my husband going back to work and being by myself. I’m doing therapy right now but I have been told that grief support groups are very helpful so I’m trying to do anything I can to make myself a little bit better even before he decide to workI’m doing therapy right now but I have been told that grief support groups are very helpful so I’m trying to do anything I can to make myself a little bit better even before he was there to work. Next time I won’t write as much I just wanted you all to know if background story to what I’m dealing with. No my life is even more chaotic because I’ve taken over her place in the family and everybody else in the family won’t talk to us or help us and we’re all alone now. If anybody has some helpful tips on how I can deal with it where I am and I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you. 
 

Leannette

[Laureh]

That is a lot but I relate to most of it. I am older than you and lost my mom to a very aggressive brain tumor. She also went thru radiation and chemo like a champ but it did not work at all and she was gone a few weeks after it ended. She ended up dying alone in the nursing home a little before I arrived for the day. She was still very warm when I got there I must have just missed it so I feel very bad but that noise my dad made when he took his last breath still haunts me years later so I can't tell you which is worse or if they are both terrible.

It helps to keep busy. My schedule is go mad on estate business and exercise every morning then when the busy works runs out and I am alone I fall apart. I try to let some grief out when it comes but also try to not get too caught up in it.

You just getting up every day and trying honors her memory. You are a part of her and she made you strong and you will get thru this and it will get easier. My grief is only a month old and these are the thing I tell myself and they do help a tittle. I know I am strong and she deserves to be grieved and this is ok and I will get used to her not physically being here anymore. It doesn't feel like it but I know logically this will happen.

Try to schedule something every day you are alone so you have something to do even some errand or drive to get a coffee or go to a park.

I appreciate you telling your story even though it was hard for me to read it.