Having a hard time with the death of my Dad

[makanda360]

Hello. I am new here, but I've been lurking around and reading other's posts until today. It has been almost a year since I lost my Dad. I am wondering if need to seek out a grief counselor or something, because some days are just plain bad.

I like to imbibe in an alcoholic beverage now and again, and it seems like when I drink, my emotions dealing with my Dad's death just get amplified. Seems like every time I am out with friends, I end up crying and missing my Dad so much, and my friends keep saying "This is getting old".

Is this normal? My father and I were really close, and I really miss him. As I am coming up on almost one year after his death, I feel like maybe I haven't really processed his death? Is that even a thing? I don't know. This is all so new to me. 

Mental health services in my area are really lacking, and the only support group I have been able to find is faith-based, which does not work for me. Are there books out there on grief? Maybe that could help me. Does anyone have any suggestions?

I am feeling better just typing this out and I am hopeful I will receive some thoughtful replies.

[Paul Stiffler]

@makanda360 I am very sorry for your loss...

 

I am pretty new as well for one. Now to give a little bit of advice. That grief is being caused because of his death. But in reality, he never would want you to feel that way. You have every right to cry, but it is also good to stay strong. My mother passed away about one week ago, so I know what it is like. Only being younger means that I hurt worse. Try a support group or find one online in your area.

[Hope4all]

It helps me just knowing that so many others are going through the same thing. My mom is close to death from cancer and we are a tight-knit family and it hurts seeing my dad cry. I don’t think it’s unusual that when you drink you miss him even more. Drinking I think just intensifies our emotions. The sucky thing is that grief has no set time limit, I think that some days are just easier and some aren’t. I was sick with worry yesterday but today feel calm. If your friends have a problem with you getting emotional, connect with someone that ‘gets’ you because they’ve experienced a loss, too. That’s why we’re all here on this site- to share our sadness and support each other. Hang in there. The only guarantee in life is change. It won’t be awful forever. 

[makanda360]

Thank you, Hope4all. I’m sorry to hear of your mom’s cancer diagnosis. 
 

the timeline thing is what is really messing with me. Sometimes I’m totally fine and then other times I am hit with grief like a ton of bricks. It’s really hard to navigate thru life like this.

I think it would be smart of me to not drink in upcoming days of my Dad’s death date. I’ll probably be a mess anyways. Ugh.

and you’re right—just perusing this site and seeing that others are struggling too somehow makes me feel a tiny bit better.

i appreciate your kind words. Thank you.

@paulstiffler — I am interested in your comment about being younger and hurting worse. Does she really have anything to do with it? I’m watching my Mom grieve the loss of her husband, and best friend, so i definitely don’t think it’s any easier because she is older.

[Hope4all]

I used to hate hearing this and you might too but exercise really CAN make you feel better and just more energized. I say that because whenever I do a session on my spin bike, even though I sometimes have to make myself do it, I end up enjoying it and actually want to keep exercising once I get going. I think you should take care of you especially during the difficult times. Take care of your body and your mind. Write down what you’re grateful for. All we can do is make the most of this life. It’s very short when you think about it. We’ll all be reunited in the blink of an eye. 

[makanda360]

So true, @Hope4all. I take a morning and evening walk usually, but have been slacking on that a bit. I will try to get back to that this evening. Lots of pretty fall colors to look at in my area right now, so that's something to be grateful for. Today is not as bad as yesterday. I reached out to one of his old friends, and while I did cry, I laughed a lot remembering the good times.

It seems to me that the hardest times are at night when I am getting into/ready for bed. That is when my mind tends to wander to the sad stuff. I have begun to sleep with my phone in the other room, and just read a book before bed, but sometimes that isn't enough to distract me.... ugh.

[Paul Stiffler]

17 hours ago, makanda360 said:

Thank you, Hope4all. I’m sorry to hear of your mom’s cancer diagnosis. 
 

the timeline thing is what is really messing with me. Sometimes I’m totally fine and then other times I am hit with grief like a ton of bricks. It’s really hard to navigate thru life like this.

I think it would be smart of me to not drink in upcoming days of my Dad’s death date. I’ll probably be a mess anyways. Ugh.

and you’re right—just perusing this site and seeing that others are struggling too somehow makes me feel a tiny bit better.

i appreciate your kind words. Thank you.

@paulstiffler — I am interested in your comment about being younger and hurting worse. Does she really have anything to do with it? I’m watching my Mom grieve the loss of her husband, and best friend, so i definitely don’t think it’s any easier because she is older.

@makanda360As a younger person, it hit harder on me when my mom died than when my dad's father passed away. Just logical proof of that answer.