Lost my Son to his wife

[Sherry D]

I didn’t gain a daughter-in-law, I lost my Son to his wife. I had an instinct that she was more than she showed us when they were dating. The moment they got engaged I started noticing the claws coming out. The wedding confirmed it, the grooms family was left out of a lot and we paid for more then half of the wedding and had no say in it at all! Now, 2 grandkids later, we have been banned from our son and grandchildren’s lives.  We were told to communicate through emails and only to her. My son only says he has to support his wife. I ask over and over, what did we do to warrant this ban from the family. No answer. No communication about excluding my sons entire family from their lives. The wife convinced my son to become Catholic, I feel most of the problems are steaming from the cult like lifestyle they now live. I am grieving the loss of the loving son I once had which he is a shell of himself now and the loss of the relationships I may never have with my grandkids. If there is anyone else out there struggling with a similar situation, please reach out. I’m in need of coping skills. 

[Guest Rosemary]

I don't have any kids of my own, so I can't say I can really relate to how you're feeling about this, however I'm familiar with this situation as it sounds very similar to my father's relationship with my grandparents. Maybe I can offer a different perspective in that sense. Whenever I was still an adolescent, and my father was a younger man in his late twenties to early thirties, my dad still kind of relied on my grandparents a lot as a means to get by. Unfortunately, that meant my dad did have to hide things from them or keep it secret if he ever wanted to have some say in his own life, because a lot of his own decisions were dictated and controlled by his parents due to the financial support they were giving him. When he finally married my step-mom, who has always been the breadwinner between the two of them, everyone was pretty much against it. To be fair, she was not a very mature adult and was very manipulative and controlling too. She did some awful things to my mom, sister and I regarding, well, just about everything she could do. A perfect example was not even waiting a month after my parent's divorce was finalized to then go and marry my dad on my mother's birthday, which was also Thanksgiving (Everyone, including my mom, waited on them to arrive at my grandparent's house for at least an hour so we could eat our meals together, not even knowing what it was they were doing during that time). But I digress, he married her in 2012 despite all her shortcomings- and is still with her, in fact- as a means of getting away from his parents and achieving a sense of financial security. I guess he was tired of his parent's thinking they had any say in his life whenever he wanted things to be different than what they did, but now he's with her and she's doing the same exact thing but in a different way. He won't call or talk to his parents and my half-siblings don't go over to visit because he doesn't want them being influenced by them, which they honestly probably would try to do. But they blame my step-mom even though it was him that decided to cut off contact and the only one who does contact them is in fact, my stepmom.

[Traz]

On 10/11/2022 at 12:27 AM, Sherry D said:

I didn’t gain a daughter-in-law, I lost my Son to his wife. I had an instinct that she was more than she showed us when they were dating. The moment they got engaged I started noticing the claws coming out. The wedding confirmed it, the grooms family was left out of a lot and we paid for more then half of the wedding and had no say in it at all! Now, 2 grandkids later, we have been banned from our son and grandchildren’s lives.  We were told to communicate through emails and only to her. My son only says he has to support his wife. I ask over and over, what did we do to warrant this ban from the family. No answer. No communication about excluding my sons entire family from their lives. The wife convinced my son to become Catholic, I feel most of the problems are steaming from the cult like lifestyle they now live. I am grieving the loss of the loving son I once had which he is a shell of himself now and the loss of the relationships I may never have with my grandkids. If there is anyone else out there struggling with a similar situation, please reach out. I’m in need of coping skills. 

I know I'm late to the game, but wanted to recommend a book from Amazon.  It's called "Done with the Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Children."  4 1/2 star rating. 

There is so much pain and grief when your child cuts you off for no reason. In your case, the daughter-in-law obviously has the issues and your son feels he has to be on his wife's side. She sounds controlling and perhaps one day your son will be strong enough and value himself enough to break free. I'm so sorry you have been cut off from your grandchildren. That's another heartbreak to deal with. I hope the book helps. You are not alone in this situation. 

[Jazzed_about_life]

Loss of relationship. I lost my 28 year old son to the woman he found in the FSSP traditionalist Latin Catholic mass group he's in. They were married in Feb 10th after a short courting time. He barely spoke to any of his family after the wedding. When we called him out on it he said there was something wrong with us. My dear friend who lost her only child, a son, when he was killed in Afghanistan in 2013, says that my son needs to know that there's room in his heart to love the both of us: his wife and me. The religious part of their lives seems extremely cult-like. More now that they're married. After my son wrote me a 3-page email and a long hurtful text, I decided to block him on my phone so he couldn't continue to hurt me. He said so many awful things. I no longer recognize him. I have had zero contact with him and his wife since April 17, 2023. This is what he asked for. I have since looked up the FSSP group and many people have spoken about what goes on in this church. If you are not one of them, they don't won't to waste any time with you. I never imagined this would be my life. My son and I were always very close. It's life a nightmare I can't wake up from. I pray every day that he's happy and healthy. That is what I wish for him. This is his life and his choice. I am powerless over it. 

[widower2]

I am sorry to hear this, but FWIW the FSSP is hardly a "cult" or a church and any issues going on with your son are not due to them. "If you are not one of them, they don't won't to waste any time with you" is an unfair generalization at best. (Disclaimer: I am not a member, nor do I have any interest in becoming one) 

[Traz]

These groups can vary from place to place and perhaps the one your son is involved with is controlling and strict.  Your concerns are completely valid. The above commenter was out of line, stating the issues with your son have nothing to do with this church. How could they possibly make that assertion, not having attended this group your son is in? It was also insensitive because you've come here for support, not a lecture.    

I worked for years at a company that was run by Christadelphians.  And I can also say that it had a cult-like presence. Many principles I did not believe in and their business practices were dubious. They were coercive, manipulative and insular.  They don't allow women to speak in their church either, just the 'brothers' - which never sat well with me but I kept my opinions to myself. 

And yes, different religions CAN be very suspicious of outsiders. I personally know two people who left the Jehovah's Witness religion for all of the above reasons and more. They married into it and their families desperately tried for years to have contact but were cut off. 

Anyway, your heart must be so heavy and I feel deeply for you. I feel that deep inside your son still loves you all but doesn't know how to make it work. He will realize as the years go on, the damage that has been done and his part in it. I don't know if you want to go this route, but grandparents do have some rights regarding their grandchildren. It would probably involve lawyers though and that is expensive and can get messy.

If it were me, I think I would need some kind of therapy to help me deal with the loss of my son and grandchildren. Because even though no one has physically died, the relationship ending is traumatic. I have seen books regarding child/parent estrangement on Amazon, other than the one I previously recommended. There may be private Facebook groups too for parents with estranged adult kids. I belong to a different support group on FB and it has really, really helped. Connecting with other moms and dads going through the same thing... it gives you a sense that you're not alone. Your feelings are valid and you are heard. 

I am sending you a big virtual hug and if I find any more info on this topic, I'll let you know. 

Traz