Lost my dad

[Aj Mills]

My dad went to the hospital in march of 2022 due to breathing problems. And never got to come home. Turned out he had pneumonia. Which caused hospital delirium. Which caused dementia to worsen. He became ill and didn’t know who I was some days. He started hallucinating. Stayed in the hospital for 30 days. Went to assisted living after and it was terrible. They treated him terrible. Went back to the hospital. Then to a new assisted living. They were a bit better but the drive was far. He ended up back in the hospital and then to a nursing home. The nursing home was terrible and treated my dad so poorly. He ended up in the er due to sugar being too low and same for blood pressure. A doctor told us he may have 6 months possibly more left. They kept him a few days then sent him to hospice. Hospice told us 2 weeks. Then two weeks turned in to 2 days. He passed August 5 of 2022. It was a long terrible few months. But my days have been worse since he’s been gone. The pain has not got better. I want to talk about it but I can’t seem to find the words. I can write it down like I’m doing now. But if I open my mouth to talk to someone I cry and cry. Then I shut down. If I’m alone I cry. Driving alone I cry. I’m miserable. Im exhausted. People keep saying it gets better or I’ve been told you should be fine by now.  It’s been 9 weeks and I feel the same pain I did burying my dad. I’ve never felt anything like this. Some days I’m just numb. 

[Wandering Soul]

Hello, Aj Mills. 

I'm so sorry that your father passed away.  I'm glad that you found this forum and now have a way to express your feelings without judgment.  You're not on this journey all alone; those of us on this forum has experienced the loss of a parent and can identify with some of the feelings and emotions you're experiencing. 

So, I'd like to begin by addressing the comment made to you by another individual who stated, "you should be fine by now."  Although we go through stages of grief, grief isn't something that is experienced in an exacting, defined timeframe for each of us.  We all have different lengths of time that we grieve.  This grieving experience isn't a "one size fits all" ordeal by any means!  It's taken me 1-2 years to find my way back to some sense of "normal" from the passing of each of my parents.  We're all so beautifully different.  You're on your own grieving journey that is unique to you.  

When people tell you that "it get's better," I think what they are trying to convey to you is that time helps ease some of the pain you're feeling.  I know that sometimes the statements that people make to you when you're grieving seem heartless and strange.  I believe this happens because often, folks don't really know what to say to another in these sensitive, highly emotional moments.  Sentiments from others during these times can come out inelegant and awkward.  I do believe that time does help ease some of the pain felt, but I'm not sure that the sadness ever really leaves us. We just learn to cope with it better.  

What you're experiencing at this time is normal.  I think that several of us on this forum have experienced the numbness, the feeling of being alone, exhaustion and shutting-down after a parent has passed.  It's a highly difficult, emotional time!  Be patient with yourself as you continue to journey on through your grief.  It takes time.

I know for myself, I found this forum a helpful place to express my feelings with others who also experienced the passing of a parent.  (I wanted to find people who could identify with the passing of a parent, not someone who still had their parents telling me everything was going to be okay!)  It also helped because I could do so anonymously without fear.

I'm sorry that you're father's illness required him to seek care in so many facilities.  Long ago, I worked in a nursing home (as a non-medical staff member) and what I saw was, well terrible.  I lasted a little under two years because I didn't feel like my ethics and morals aligned with the home in which I worked.  I haven't worked in that capacity since.  When I first started, I was hopeful that it would be a place where people would be treated with dignity, with care and genuine compassion.  My hopes were soon dashed after I realized I couldn't make a long-lasting difference in terms of the quality of care offered.  I did genuinely care for my residents however, I still think about them to this day and reminisce about the good times we had together.  I hope someone in one of the various facilities your father was in was able to connect with him on some level, despite his illness (dementia/hallucinations).  I'm so sorry this was such a terrible experience for your family, but I'd venture to say that your experience happens more often than not.

If you need to talk, please feel free to come back to the forum.  You're not alone. 

Wandering Soul