Struggling to cope with loss

[piygie]

Our little Boston Terrier of 9 years, 10 months and 9 days died on 4/10/2022. He had been battling an illness that we couldn't diagnose for the last 2 months. On his last day he couldn't do much however he did attempt to play (just for my husband, his best friend). He just wanted to eat, pace around and sleep. I made the call to our vet, who very fortunately have a facility for at home euthanasia, so he was put to sleep, in his bed, in his favourite room, warm with his blankets, toys, classical music (he loved listening to music) and his Dada and Mama by his side.

We have an idea of what was wrong, but he had so many health issues and surgeries over the years and he seemed so tired that we couldn't put him through another GA to find out exactly what was wrong. We were concerned that he would die under anaesthetic whilst away from us.

We were with him at all times, especially my husband, who dedicated his life to keeping him happy, busy and healthy. They spent countless hours playing in his garden/conservatory, with balls, balloons, mirrors (he loved to chase reflections and no, he didn't obsess that he couldn't catch it, he loved just to chase it), bubbles, his various draught excluder shaped girlfriends, treat finding puzzles, soft toys, blankets, cuddles and kisses, you name it, he never went without. 

He had idiopathic epilepsy, diagnosed at 2.5 years old, only after 2 small seizures as we got straight onto referrals to get him the care he needed as quickly as we could. He spent the rest of his life on medication, but was extremely well controlled on a low dose of one anticonvulsant. He had recurring mast cell tumours, all mostly low grade, so resection and after care was all he needed for those. He had late onset juvenile cataracts diagnosed at 6 years old. Cataracts are very common in Boston Terriers and unfortunately there are no tests available for late onset juvenile cataracts to be ruled out by breeders. The cataracts took his sight in the last six months, due to him needing BOAs surgery in 2021 (at over 8 years old). A bout of bacterial pneumonia caused what was a mostly normal respiratory system (not normal at at, but he didn't struggle up until this illness) to become severely and irreparably compromised. He had been on steroids to stop his throat from closing which sped up progression of the cataracts. If he hadn't had steroids he would have asphyxiated, so there was really no other choice.

The illness that took him, caused uncontrollable seizures. We had to add levetiracetam to his usual phenoleptil. The levetiracetam caused him all kinds of issues, it really ruined his last few weeks. It was supposed to be temporary whilst we got his therapeutic range increased on the pheno, which can take 10-14 days. The increased and extra drugs did work at first, but the seizures increased with what looked like severe neck pain after each one. He started having focal seizures whilst conscious which terrified him and we were helpless, all we could do was try to sooth him, which worked to a certain extent. We then had to rush him to the emergency vet last Sunday, as we were terrified of him going into status epilepticus. They sedated him and kept him in their care until 5am, at which point we got a call to say he wouldn't settle as they had exhausted all sedatives, so we rushed to collect him. He was inconsolable, he whimpered and whined non-stop on the way home and all through most of the next day. He was so traumatised by being at the emergency vets, I wish we hadn't taken him there. He never whimpered or whined before that night. He was so confused and terrified and even we couldn't calm him. I'll regret that night for as long as I live.

This seems like a laundry list of illness I know. There was a lot wrong with him in terms of physical issues, but he thrived with us.

He was incredibly intelligent (seriously he remembered everything), very polite (liked us to ask please before he would agree to certain commands), joyful, cuddly, kissy, excitable, friendly, bossy, stubborn, hilarious and full of life. I can't sum him up in a list like this, he has blessed and changed my life in so many ways, that I'll never be the same person again.

His loss hurts immeasurably. We did all we could until he let us know that he couldn't take anymore and then we made the hardest decision of our lives.

We are so sad, so painfully broken by his absence that we can't bear being at home. Home was his favourite place. We see him everywhere in all of the things he has left behind, that in life he loved so much.

Edited October 9, 2022 by piygie
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[foreverhis]

Oh, he's adorable.  I'm so sorry you had to make the hardest decision for him.  The thing is that it is also the last and greatest gift of love we sometimes have to give our animal companions, even though we know our hearts break and we'll never be the same. It sounds to me like you made the right choice to not put him through another surgery, another GA, at his age and with his health failing.  Obviously, your vet concurred.  I'm so glad they offer at home final services.  IMO, it makes a difference for our furry loves to be in their own place, surrounded by their familiar things, and with their people.

For his whole life, you and your husband loved him and cared for him and let him know he was special.  When the vet helped lift him up (I don't like "put to sleep" or "put down" very much) out of his suffering to go to the Rainbow Bridge, he had you both by his side.  You loved him until his very last breath and you love him still.  That's not just something; it's everything.

What a strong spirit he must have been to go through so much and still find joy in life.  What wonderful memories you must have.  Please, try to bring those into your heart and mind as you struggle through this painful journey.  Grief takes time.  It just does and there's no way around that.  But it doesn't stay the same forever, though in the first months and even past a year, it can feel like it does.  Over time, lots of time, and with the help of people who understand like the members here, the unbearable weight of it becomes lighter and easier to carry.  This kind of grief never goes away.  How can it when they are so much a part of us?  Yet, so slowly that we often don't see it until much later, we take those steps forward as we carry our grief, love, and memories with us.

I'm sure other members who have more recent losses than mine will be along.  It sometimes takes a while because we are all over the world and have many different kinds of lives.  But every member here understands and "gets it" in the way others do not or cannot or even will not.  ((HUGS))

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss...it is immense, I know, for you both poured your heart and soul into him, just as he did you.  This poor little guy suffered so much, it's very unfair, yet you did all you knew to help him and care for him to the best of your ability, you gave him the best life you could.  Oh that all of them could have that in their family/owners!

Annie (foreverhis) is right about those here "getting it" as we do!  I lost my Arlie right before the pandemic and then 25 1/2 year old Kitty...hers was easier in the sense that she'd had a good long life and was done, but Arlie, he seemed in the prime of life to me when he was suddenly diagnosed with inoperable cancer...and my world was never the same again.  We traversed this as best as we could, his vet offered no help, nothing, and so I took care of him the best I could, cooking for him, had him on CBD (which greatly helped with pain and anxiety), SAM-e, Milk Thistle for liver support, his Pro-Bios as always, etc.  I provided hospice myself, and the next 2 months ten days were about taking care of him and supporting his wishes, reading him, doing what he was able.  The time "after" was truly horrible as anyone here can understand, how do you do life without them surrounded by reminders!  Listen to your heart, do what you are able, whatever brings you comfort, whatever helps...

I walked a neighbor's dog, he was nothing like Arlie, it didn't end well as he yanked on my right hand so hard as to do permanent damage and the surgery that followed hurt rather than helped.  Then ten months in he bit me...I sustained many dogbites in the upcoming two years, I'd never been bitten before, 13 hand injuries in all, and am now left with 10% strength.  But it could have gone better and I I did develop love for Joe, the Chow that yanked and bit me, and although it broke my heart I could no longer walk him, I grieved him when I read on FB he passed...his owners didn't even let me know.

Funny how dogs cross our path for a time and not all the same.  Your experience with your little dog and mine with Arlie were exceptional and a blessing we will never forget.

Praying this leaves you some measure of comfort and peace in the days ahead.

 

[furbabymama1]

With your care taking, its important to remember your own needs, now is the time for finding

yourself in self soothing. This precious doggy had wonderful reason to fight to live, with you and

wanted to love through his own woes...This brave soul, knew you were giving every bit of 

care, love back. Really hard, but try to remember the pleasure , joy, silly times too. Because you

took on a lot of stress, masked in happiness of this little fur face..but its true, your also prob very

fatigued emotionally. I also had early dignosis with multiple problems, seizures ect..ect..it was likely

he never had more then 6 months of good health !  We take on , these challenges...but we have to rest

also..it SO important to forgive ourselves too.