I need someone to talk to...

[Kat11]

It has been 1 month since my partner of 30 years passed away. I am broken-hearted. I feel so afraid and alone. I need help with this from people who understand what it is like. I just don't know how to do this. I am overwhelmed.

[BohoKat]

Kat11, I am so sorry for the so recent loss of your loved one. A fellow “Kat”, your story brought tears to my eyes for I too lost my husband and soulmate of 32 years spring of 2021. Not saying anyone’s loss is more or less, but you understand me and my journey down the path of deep intimacy that decades with your love brings. It feels like you will never survive when it’s gone. It’s hard to think back to those first months, scared and alone indeed, confused and and in a fog, constant tears. Don’t feel strange or crazy, all this mess of grieving is perfectly normal and everyone is a little different. Don’t rush yourself. I hope for you what I have found after 18 months is a measure of healing (yes, I still cry every day a little). This forum has been part of that process. There are many kind and understanding folks here, so reach out when you need someone to talk to. Talking honestly about your life now will help the healing. Peace be with you, BohoKat 

[Ronni_W]

18 hours ago, Kat11 said:

It has been 1 month since my partner of 30 years passed away. I am broken-hearted. I feel so afraid and alone. I need help with this from people who understand what it is like. I just don't know how to do this. I am overwhelmed.

Dear Kat11, I am so sorry for your recent loss.

If it helps any at all, I would offer: It is okay, also, to NOT cry and to NOT feel "crazy" at the same time as you are feeling afraid and alone.

For me, I didn't even know that I felt, for but only one example, "scared'. That word just didn't fit for me, at the beginning; did not compute. (Edited to add: I didn't even know that I was also feeling, at the time, "scared". It is only, years later, that the word itself fits for how I was feeling at the time -- and still do feel, a lot of the times.) When we are in that initial senses of loss, and worse if it was a seriously traumatic loss, then words, and generally-accepted 'understandings' and 'interpretations' of words that we used to use (before our loss) as if we knew (before our own loss) what they meant to other people, don't really count.

I was not at all in "constant tears"; and have never, in the 3 years ever been in "constant tears". But I do get that some people are like that; in that state. That is also equally proper and appropriate for them, as me not my like that was proper and appropriate for me.

My point here is that even grieving people, who 100% do understand what we're going through, still also do project their own personal stuff, and don't even realize that they're doing it, and/but/nevertheless, by doing that, are sending their own personal messages to other grieving people about what we're going to end up taking as is "normal" or "usual" or "expected", for us to feel. For me, they are all so terribly compassionate, empathetic and well-meaning that it is extremely difficult to fault them.

Kat11, if you are crying or if you're not...if you are angry or if you're not...if you are feeling guilty or if you're not...the only unifying thing, perhaps, is that it is overwhelming.

It is not a very reliable resource at all, but, for 'real time' interaction, I'd offer to try the chatzy link that widower2 has so kind set-up for us. Link in the 'New unofficial chat room' thread in this sub-forum.

My very best to you.     Ronni

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Kat11 said:

It has been 1 month since my partner of 30 years passed away. I am broken-hearted. I feel so afraid and alone. I need help with this from people who understand what it is like. I just don't know how to do this. I am overwhelmed.

I am so sorry for your loss, the hardest thing in the world.  None of us know how in the beginning, it seems we muddle through little by little, a day at a time (the best piece of advice I ever got!) each figuring out for ourselves what we feel is best for our journey.  I hope you continue to come here and read/post, as it truly helps us process our grief.  We want to be here for you if you want us to.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[BohoKat]

6 hours ago, Ronni_W said:

My point here is that even grieving people, who 100% do understand what we're going through, still also do project their own personal stuff, and don't even realize that they're doing it, and/but/nevertheless, by doing that, are sending their own personal messages to other grieving people about what we're going to end up taking as is "normal" or "usual" or "expected", for us to feel

@Kat11 @Ronni_W Ronnie’s words are so true. You will react how you react, and however it is that is okay, tears or no tears. As I said, Kat11, your story really got to me and I should’ve edited more carefully before sending. After re-reading this thread, I realized I should have said more clearly what Ronni clarified so well, which is all reactions (not intending just mine) are okay. Peace, BohoKat 

[SharedLife]

It has been 2 years and 4 months since my wife of 50+ years passed.  I can relate to your feelings.  I was recommended to seek out a grief support group.  I didn't (I'm not a big fan of groups).  Do a web search for "Grief Support [your town]".  I saw a psychologist who specializes in grief and found that of no help.  I try to keep myself occupied to still my memories and emotions, relying in part on online streaming movies, news sites, and keeping a "to-do" list of things to do around the house.  If you don't have a pet, consider getting one (assuming you can care for one). Being alone is not your friend...if you are alone.

It's painful and will remain so for quite some time to come.  Hopefully, the pain will diminish with time (it has for me, somewhat, unless I focus on what I've lost).

I"m sorry for your loss.  Everybody here has shared your feelings and understands where you're at. Talk here if it helps.

[DWS]

On 10/12/2022 at 10:41 PM, SharedLife said:

I was recommended to seek out a grief support group.  I didn't (I'm not a big fan of groups).

This is such an important point and likely a good thing that despite your brokenness, you were aware that the group thing wouldn't work for you. In the first couple of weeks after my loss, a friend searched and found an online support group that he suggested might be of help...his haphazard way of offering support. I'm not much of a group person either but I begrudgingly emailed the group organizer who told me that a Skype meeting was happening that week and gave me the link. 

So in my confused, agitated, sorrow-filled state, I opened up the link, set my webcam in place and sat there waiting for the meeting to start. I could feel the tears wanting to burst and I closed down Skype two minutes before it was to begin. I wasn't ready for this ****. It had only been two short weeks since my partner's sudden death! I was in shock and not ready to even admit that this happened. In that moment, I thought "what am I doing here?"

Eventually, a few weeks later, I found this site. This is more my speed and comfort level. I think one of the main essentials in dealing with our loss and grief is honouring our self, our emotions, and our way of doing things. 

[PLin]

Kat11,

 

Sending you love and hugs. It is so difficult. It is feeling misunderstood that was most difficult for me. It still is. No one can understand this pain and sorrow until they are there themselves. It is all encompassing.

 

<3