Dad is dying

[Tee68]

Hi all, this is my first post here.

My dad is 88 and had to go into hospital 6 months ago afte a fall. He caught covid in hospital and we didn't think he'd make it. But he did, and seemed to be rallying. He had numerous other problems and was bounced around various different hospitals and care homes, but now he's in one hospital and they are trying to find him a care home because they've told us that he just needs palliative care as he's not going to get better. He has a lot of problems, including heart failure, bad circulation, and has been getting g a lot of infections. The thing is, mentally he's still all there, in fact his memory is amazing, but his body is letting him down.

I'm trying to be strong, for mum if nothing else, but it's shattering my world. We're a very small family and when we do lose him I don't know what we'll do.  I've never experienced the death of anyone so close to me, and I feel so scared. There's always been the 4 of us, mum, dad, me and my brother. Myself and my brother both have partners, but no kids, so it just feels totally earth shattering that we're going to lose someone so important. Every day at the moment feels like a struggle. I just can't imagine saying goodbye to him forever.

I'm hoping someone else can relate and thought this might be the place.

 

 

[nyteach]

Hi I had a similar experience my dad fell last year and was taken to hospital.  They found many things wrong with him and saw a mass on his pancreas.  He also had a bilinial blockage which they suggested a procedure to unblock blockage.  My father was 76 but mentally all there and physically was ok he still smoked cigarettes we couldn't stop him from smoking.  Cause of his age we kept putting off him having procedure for his blockage and finding out if mass on his pancreas was malignant.  He did end up getting covid but I believe he didn't have covid the hospital suggested we put him in a rehab home.  I was with him everyday when they diagnosed him with covid.  He had absolutely NO SYMptoms of covid.  For 4 weeks we just would look at each other like why am I in a covid unit when there is nothing suggesting I have covid.  This Covid diagnosis took away his time in dealing with his real issues.  To make a long story short he went in hosptal in october 2021 then int a home till February 2022.  He begged me everyday to take him home.  During his 3 month stay at home i took him to doctors and we again scheduled an appointment to have procedure done.  The first time before he got covis we had a procedure scheduled but we decided to wait because we thought anesthesia and putting him on any breathing tools would be dangerous.  The second time I took him to have procedure he seemed to be better he wasn't yellow anymore and doctors said we think blockage cleared but they still wanted to do procedure.  So we figured if it cleared leave it alone.  Took him home he was so happy still smoking his cigarettes but then in May he started to drop alot of weight but he was eating I was cooking for him so I saw he was always hungry.  Burt his body seemed to be letting up he started to turn yellow and began talking about seeing spirits.  Thats not what we worried my father was a tailor all his life he worked for SaksFifthavenue as a tailor and had a small business of alterations at home with my mom.  He began imitating sewing as if he was sewing a suit for a customer and saying he needs to get this suit ready.  This only happened one night at the end.  But again mentally you could ask him anything he could tell you answer it was like he was between two worlds. I called ambulance they said his heart rate was slows they had to take him to hospital.  This man fought real hard not to go they needed 3 big men to hold him down he didn't want to go they had to restrain him where he got this force from i don't know.  I went with him in ambulance he was so angry at me he didn't talk to me or look at me.  My father and I were always close and he never did that to me in my whole life.  I stayed with him for a while my brother in law works in hospital so he was going to attend to my father to hear from doctors.  They told us he was septic and he needed that procedure but they didn't know if he would survive.  He did survive but they ended up making a hole in his stomach he was aware for 2 days then he died, the mass on his pancreas was the same didn't change or grow but they found esophagus cancer.  I feel it was all because of the time wasted on their wrong diagnosis of covid.  I miss him so much cause I cared for him at home he didn't need much he did everything pretty much himself until last month of his life.  My mother seems to not be showing her grief but Know she is suffering they were married 65 years.  I hope my writing is understandable.  I am sending prayers for your dad.  I hope he lives till he's 100 year old . God Bless 

[Tee68]

Thank you so much for that reply. I think if my dad hadn't caught covid in hospital he would have left hospital long ago. But he is slowly declining, and he's scared too. 

So sorry about your dad, how do you cope when someone you've had there all your life isn't there anymore?

[nyteach]

Keep me posted about your dad I will light a candle for him at church and say a prayer.  

 

[nyteach]

It's hard Im taking it one day at a time but the pain doesn't seem to go away.  I miss him so much and will never see him in this life again.  I believe I will see him again in heaven this helps me cope a little better.  

[Tee68]

Thank you so much for lighting the candle. That's a lovely thing to do.

 

I cant and don't want to imagine it, but I know it's coming.

[randyandcarmenskid]

Hi, my dad had a blood clot in his leg 5 days after Christmas, 2021. He had surgery and it went fine but he contracted COVID in the hospital. He was on a ventilator for 10 days, pulled through and got COVID pneumonia shortly after and passed away 2/2/22. I totally understand what you are feeling. I am praying for you and your dad. It is so hard coping with that type of loss. I don’t know how to grieve honestly:/

me 

[Tee68]

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. It really is hard to see my dad getting weaker. He's always been the big strong one of the family, but now he's so frail and scared.

 

[lisjb]

Ive had a similar thing happen to me recently. Mum aged 77,had quadruple bypass surgery on the 27th of July. Two weeks into her recovery she caught covid in ICU. She fought and was so determined to not die. Her mind was determined and every day she would tell nurse's etc that everything is all good and she feels good. Every day for 7 weeks I went in and sat with her for the 2 hours I was allowed. Mum had underlying health issues and to be honest, she really never had a chance as her heart was failing from the stress of surgery with covid on top of that. Her mind the whole time was alert. I recorded her speaking about different things. From being in ICU for all those weeks,the condition of mums body was so frail and she was a skeleton by the time she died. Sadly as I have said,she didnt want to die,her mind was 100% ok. Her body just couldnt cope. Four days before she died,there was a big change. The nurse had given mum a "drop" of morphine to apparently help with mums breathing. But from then mum totally declined. I dont know what to think about the whole thing. Ive requested mums medical file. Mum died on the 8th of Sept. Its one of the hardest things Ive experienced. The pain is unbearable. I do not undertand why they never suggested palliative care as she may of had more of a chance than laying in ICU for 2 months not getting any better from lack of moving. I really wish you all the best. I know exactly what you are going through

[Tee68]

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm struggling to cope but trying to put a brave face on. I'm going to see him this afternoon so we'll see how he's doing?

 

[Hope4all]

I’m so sorry you’re scared for your dad. If it’s any consolation, I’m laying here crying right now because I’m scared about my mom. We too are a family of 4 and I am very close to my parents. My mom  has been my source of strength during my depression and rough times in my life and seeing her so frail from her cancer that she was diagnosed with less than a year ago, knowing the end is near, is not easy at all to accept. She’s only 69 and my grandparents lived into their 90s (except for my Grandma who was in her 80s). Seeing my dad cry is probably the hardest for me because they have been married many years and it hurts my heart thinking of him living alone. I try to make myself feel better by believing that we are here on Earth just for a short while to learn and to love and to cherish the many great things of this life, most of all being our loving connections with others. I believe we are One and that once it’s our time to go, we will be reunited and everything will make sense. Count your blessings and pray for strength and peace, for you and for your dad.