Thinking about moving...

[Robert D.]

The grief and sorrow at losing my wife is unbearable now.... everywhere I go on the way to work and on the way back is a place where she and I lived our lives or shopped or did things together. Going home is literally hell now....it really is. Fridays through sundays literally kill me. I'm thinking about selling my house and going back to Dallas where I was born and raised and where I haven't lived for 30 plus years.. I really am.. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

[Ronni_W]

Robert D, ditto, ditto, ditto, for me as well, as I've been experiencing things on my side. For me and my hubby, we were both retired, so it doesn't even make sense to me that I feel weekends differently than weekdays...but, even so, I do. So, I can't even imagine how much more difficult it is for you. <Comforting hugs -- which I know don't really help, but I've got nothing else to offer right here>.

The "generally accepted professional counsel" is to not make such big decisions when we are still feeling in the throes of our trauma, loss and grief. But. I've very much lost confidence in these self-declared and so-called "professional" counsels and 'advices' and 'experts'. For me, I'm changing everything possible that I can change -- that feels 'inwardly right' for me to change -- and just making sure that I'm not putting my life or housing situation or finances at risk or in jeopardy with my decisions, choices and changes.

Love and hugs, and best of everything as you come to your own conclusions of what will be best for you, going forward.   Ronni

[Robert D.]

Ronni W..... Thank you!

[KayC]

My first inclination is to hold off a huge decision like that but you alone know how you are feeling...I would just hate to see you regret it and unable to hit an undo button.  It does take time, much time to process our grief.  Some choose to move, some to stay, I'm one who stayed, in the beginning it was a trigger as everywhere I turned was something that reminded me of him...now I find comfort in that and the memories.  Just give it careful thought before acting on it.

[Robert D.]

KayC

Thank you!

[DWS]

I'd say I'm with KayC on this one. Your thoughts are so understandable but you may want to give it a bit more time before you go changing everything else in your life. You're going through such tremendous, devastating trauma...still very early grief. What happens to so many of us in early grief is we're searching for some way to control the situation. We become impatient with ourselves in thinking that we need to do something...anything...to take away this immense pain.

I'm a big believer in the ego vs the soul (the heart) and with loss of a loved one, the soul takes over. Loving memories take centre stage and are truly unbearable at times. Let me tell you...the tears I've cried driving along the familiar streets where Tom and I walked so many times over the years made me use other pathways just so I didn't feel so much pain. I have a couch that I have not sat on since his passing because that's where we sat in the evenings holding hands watching TV. At one point, I thought of getting rid of the couch...rid of those memories...but it now is, in some crazy way, symbolic and represents our love. I'm glad my ego didn't win out on that one.

Unless your heart has been set on eventually moving back to Dallas even before this nightmare happened...perhaps you and your wife had discussions around it...try to give yourself a little more time living in this excruciating tension. Certainly explore and research the option of moving (which I'm sure you've already been doing)...that may satisfy the ego in this moment. 

[Gail 8588]

RobertD, 

It is so very hard to think during grief. I do think it is sound advice to hold off on making major changes your first year if your circumstances allow that.  

Financially, I had no choice. I had to sell our home as soon as possible. It took me a few months to get it ready to put on the market.  But 5 months after his death it sold. 

In the beginning I thought it was a good thing, that I sold and moved out because it was unbearable to be there without him.  But I later came to realize that it was unbearable to be in my new home without him too. 

Early on, when I was still in our home, I cried when I went to "our" restaurants, dry cleaners, dentist, everything. Everywhere I went in St Augustine there were memories of him.  When I moved away, there was this horrible void in everything I did. I still felt ripped in half, but nobody in the new town could see my injury. 

My point is, during the first year(s), I think there is no escaping the pain of this metamorphosis from part of a loving couple to a single being.  

For me, moving away from "our" friends and neighbors was a much bigger loss than I anticipated. This was my grief brain I believe. In my grief, I could not see any value in anything. My pain of losing my husband overwhelmed my senses.  Now, 5 and a half years later, I really miss our friends and neighbors from St Augustine.  It takes years to really build up new relationships and it takes effort.  I haven't put in that effort here (though Covid may be somewhat to blaim).  I don't have friends here and that makes me miss my former ones even more. 

(I do have my son and his family here, so that is a real blessing.)

Robert you are at a really hard part of grief. Two months in, people are no longer offering condolences and they are moving on with life. You are getting hit with the awful reality of her absence.  The emotional and physical pain is unbelievable.  I really had no idea there would be such physical pain associated with grief. 

My heart goes out to you. 

If you do decide to move, I highly recommend you lean on some trusted family member or friend to help you with this. Someone not overwhelmed with grief.  Because truthfully, you are not thinking very clearly right now. Nothing personal, it's just you have a brain sloshing around in a puddle of grief and depression hormones (or whatever) and it is just not working all that well right now. 

Sending you strength to get through today and tomorrow and the next. One day at a time. 

Gail

 

 

 

[Robert D.]

DWS....Gail8588..... I appreciate what you both said very much.. and it has really helped me too and it is all correct.. I am not moving.. but I got to a place where as you said, the reality is really getting hard and Everywhere You Look is the memories that are making things very unbearable!!, "excruciating"...at the moment. To both of you.. your thoughtfulness and advice has been taken to heart and I appreciate it very much!! Thank you!! God less!!

[Kevin O]

When you write that "Fridays through Sundays literally kill me" I could not agree more. I lost my partner on August 12, 2022.  The first few weekends after he died, I was busy with the stuff that comes after death.  Then about the 4th weekend I realized that a 2-day weekend is too long.  I couldn't wait for Monday morning.  I thought I was not going to make it through the weekend. And every weekend since, the pain of my loss/loneliness seems to get worse.  I've just signed off from work and I can feel the knot in my stomach/chest growing.  I've been working from home since the pandemic started and I am so used to signing off and getting ready for dinner.  Now I sign off and just don't know what to do.  

[Robert D.]

Kevin O

That is my story as well.. after someone you love dies who is that close to you.. you come in here on the grief site and you see the story repeated over and over and over again.. but you have a bunch of wonderful people in here.. and I can't say how wonderful they are because they go beyond wonderful as far as I'm concerned.. and they have all been through it and you're describing exactly what everyone's gone through.. I went through it yesterday... it was horrible... I've been going through the weekends like you're talking about ....horrible just constant sorrow... more and more cold hard reality hitting every second kind of thing.... but I'm trusting the Lord God who made the Heavens and the Earth to see me through this and I know that when we put our trust in Him he will help us all.. and also the friends in here that will really help you also and give you great advice.. I've already been speared from making many bad decisions by the great advice and kindness of the wonderful people in here and I know that they will help you too.. praying for you God bless!

Robert

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Kevin O said:

I lost my partner on August 12, 2022.  The first few weekends after he died, I was busy with the stuff that comes after death.  Then about the 4th weekend I realized that a 2-day weekend is too long.

I am so sorry for your loss, you aren't even two months out yet, a very hard time for sure.  I'm glad you found this site and hope you find comfort knowing there are others here that get it and understand.  We all wish you peace and comfort in the days ahead, and I remember all too well my early time, the weekends were the hardest, no work to distract me, no people around, it was tough.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Sally72]

@Robert D. I’ve nothing new to add here really but just also wanted to encourage you also to put off a move until some time has gone by. I received that advice after my husband passed from someone who had been there and I’m now glad I did!                                                    Initially my escape was driving. I would get in the car and just drive. Didn’t matter where, just to “get away”. I also had someone who came into my life for a short period of time who I could talk to. That was a game changer for me. I am someone who needs to talk to “process” and the things he heard during that time! Said that to say, I know the grief that can make you feel almost like you might fall completely apart… I’m here to “listen” if you (or anyone) gets to the point that they feel about to fall apart. No judgement, no censorship, just someone to listen and share with who has “been there”.
I too have a strong faith in Jesus and that will help you through too…and to know you will see her again someday. Hold on to that faith and relationship with Him! 🤍 

love, hugs & understanding, Sally 

[BohoKat]

@Robert D. I am so sorry it is so hard now. I agree a move might be too much. However if you stay where you are (I am because moving not an option right now), I have a small suggestion. Try putting up in a drawer or closet out of sight some things that seem to particularly trigger you. Give it some time, and see if your feelings about the object have changed to cherishing without so much pain. I had to do this with my wedding rings (now wearing again without constant tears) and “his” TV chair since I could not sit in it (that actually got donated). Hope this helps. Peace, BohoKat <hugs>

[KayC]

I'm glad you've made the decision not to, at least for now.  In time if that is still your feeling, you can act on it, but would encourage you to go where there'd be support, if you decide to move.

[Robert D.]

KayC.....I'm staying put....for many reasons,...indolence, not being the least of those....and i am very grateful for your wisdom and insight and counsel....and also the others who have advised very wisely on this. Thank you friends!!

Robert

 

[LMR]

Robert, I can understand how you feel but I just want to tell you what happened to me. I lost my love in 2020 after 47 years together. It was in the early days of covid so it just made everything worse. I was alone for a year, a year that passed in the blink of an eye and an eternity all at once. Then my sister in England was diagnosed with cancer. As soon as regulations permitted I sold everything and moved to be with her. I was planning on returning for a short visit in the spring because the banks were still closed when I left and I wasn't able to finalise everything. Well spring came and went and I couldn't find the courage to go. I am actually going back next week. I am terrified but I also wish that I was returning to our home, a place of safety. The memories follow me wherever I go, I cry just as much in England. Finding somewhere else to stay has been a painful experience, somehow a much more blatant reminder of his loss than our home would have been. I do wish I could have kept everything on hold to come and go as needed. Of course I couldn't afford two homes. I would just say, try and get away for a while but don't make it permanent until you've tried it out. The memories hurt but they are all we have now.

Blessings.

[Robert D.]

LMR....I am very sorry about your sister...and of course, your spouse too. I appreciate..a lot..you taking the time to share your experience and wisdom...and concern..on this with me. I am learning from all of you in here the great dangers/mistakes/ and the mine field's of emotion that make us all want to split the scene..and we feel like doing it....like right now, yesterday...And I can see it now....all we really do have are the memories...tangible and otherwise......and all I do every single day now...is every time I pass something that JoAnn wore...or touched...or made....my hands immediately touch...hug or kiss it....that is everyday, every hour now. My beloved Jo's pink robe is hanging on the bathroom door right now... that robe gets kissed and hugged everytime I pass it...and if I forget...I turn around and go back....I see and feel very clearly...Clint Eastwood Clearly...what you are saying. If I left here...and I have thought about it many times....it would be a disaster....emotional and who knows what else. I appreciate you LMR..! Thank you....we are all traveling through, with... this nightmare/daymare together...., which I've learned from all of you wonderful people in here. Thank you!! God bless!!

Robert

 

[Sally72]

@LMR I can SO connect with how you feel when you say time passed “in the blink of an eye and an eternity all at once”. I have said that so many many times myself and it described life perfectly for me for the first couple/several years!

The last little while I am really struggling with what I think must be depression. I keep it from my daughters and my family because I don’t want them to know how much I hurt, and they can’t “fix” it anyway. But the loneliness is almost to drag me under. I want so much to share my deepest feelings and thoughts with someone. I do share with Jesus in prayer and I’m so thankful He listens and cares! Somehow though it’s not quite the same as having a person here “in the flesh”. And then I feel guilty somehow. Like Jesus isn’t enough. And He should be. …I know He made us relational in nature and so I think He understand… idk, I’m so lonely sometimes that I know I’m not always thinking straight. 
I keep taking my loneliness to Him in prayer and know and feel His love and care. … and yet, the fact remains, the heart-rending loneliness is still there. Life isn’t worth living like this. 
I never really realized how much I need emotional connection. 
Praying for each of you here! 🤍 

[KayC]

40 minutes ago, Robert D. said:

My beloved Jo's pink robe is hanging on the bathroom door right now...

Yes, George's robe has been hanging on the door for over 17 years!  I like to wrap it around me when I need his comfort.

24 minutes ago, Sally72 said:

Praying for each of you here!

Thank you, Sally!  I appreciate it!

[widower2]

On 10/7/2022 at 7:12 AM, KayC said:

My first inclination is to hold off a huge decision like that but you alone know how you are feeling...I would just hate to see you regret it and unable to hit an undo button.  It does take time, much time to process our grief.  Some choose to move, some to stay, I'm one who stayed, in the beginning it was a trigger as everywhere I turned was something that reminded me of him...now I find comfort in that and the memories.  Just give it careful thought before acting on it.

Exactly........

[Kevin O]

Thank you Robert and Kay for those kind words and understanding.  After that first way too long weekend I emailed 2 co-workers and commented that I never knew a two day weekend could be excruciating never ending.  I often thought 2 days were not enough.  One suggested that I get a hobby while the other advised me to talk to 'someone'.  I reminded both of them that it had only been about a month and from everything I had been reading my feelings were 'normal'.  While I know they meant no harm I no longer share how I am feeling with them.   They just can't understand how mentally, emotionally and physically draining this grief process is.  And I hope that they never do.  

[DWS]

1 hour ago, Kevin O said:

After that first way too long weekend I emailed 2 co-workers and commented that I never knew a two day weekend could be excruciating never ending.  I often thought 2 days were not enough.  One suggested that I get a hobby while the other advised me to talk to 'someone'.  I reminded both of them that it had only been about a month and from everything I had been reading my feelings were 'normal'.  While I know they meant no harm I no longer share how I am feeling with them. 

I'm so sorry for the tremendous loss of your partner and also sorry to hear you've met up with some of the difficulties in dealing with those in our usual orbits who don't quite get how shattered your world is now. As you say, you know they meant no harm but their seemingly dismissive suggestions can feel so cold and alarming. Your loss is nothing that needs to be fixed. A hobby won't take away the pain and even though talking to "someone" may help, the intention there is not to make you all better. The pain you feel is because of love and the continuation of your love for your partner. This is excruciating because of that and the absence of their presence. Hugs to you. 

Don

[Ronni_W]

On 10/8/2022 at 2:54 PM, Robert D. said:

KayC.....I'm staying put....for many reasons,...indolence, not being the least of those....[...]

Dear Robert D, I am so happy to hear this.

'Google' tells me that one definition of 'indolence' is "avoidance of activity or exertion; laziness". But. If you will allow me to argue against 'Google', you are staying put for reasons opposed with, and to not get sucked into, "avoidance of exertion; laziness." That is, and, again, just me hearing you, as best I can (which ain't so great, as a given), you are "staying put", as you put it and as it comes across to me -- because you REFUSE to "avoid" and "be lazy" about your own emotions and having to deal with them and having to go through them. (My take may not be accurate, and, if not, please do forgive.

(In any case, dealing with our sense of loss and grief cannot be done, in my own experience and in any case, if we also feel {emotionally} "lazy". That is, we are always and ever very engaged and participating in our own loss and grief; never being "lazy" about it, even if we wanted to be.  For me, maybe it's not "indolence" -- if we go by the aforementioned Google definition of that feeling and sense and word. (Which I never take as 'gospel, anyway.) Maybe it is, of course. But. Maybe it's not and is something else entirely, instead. (?)

Perhaps it is that you are "staying put" out of determination, "inner sense", or something else? (rather than "emotional laziness and avoidance", I mean.) ? There is the concept of, "wherever I go, there I am." (various authors have been accredited), and it just seems that you've realized that, even if you do move, all of your memories will move/go with you -- you cannot, and I cannot, and we cannot just "move from" or run away from the memories that hurt us.

We do need to "stay put" until we know for sure -- or have a really deep 'inner sense' that we need to be somewhere else. We cannot just 'run away' from where we are, and think that we are all-of-sudden "over there" feel less sad and more happy, content and fulfilled.

I'm happy for you, Robert D.

[Jemiga70]

@Robert D.   Robert, I hear you, weekends can be torturous.  Lucky I can usually pick up freelance work on Saturday. But that still leaves Sunday...
Such helpful advice here from others.  Grief messes with our heads.  I like what @DWS said about ego vs soul.
My story is similar to that of @LMR.  After my wife passed I lived alone for 1 year in the Asian megacity where we'd been living for years. It felt like the right thing to do. I have no regrets. Seven months in, I decided to leave because I no longer had the patience for the increasingly restrictive lifestyle due to the pandemic, government measures, etc.  Plus, I believe my wife was tapping me on the shoulder.  So back to North America to live with my aging parents.  Again no regrets about the move.  Recently I visited a bigger city on the west coast where my wife and I met.  It was the city where we'd lived before moving overseas. Lots of memories. I don't know if I will move back to that west coast city but I'm glad I got my boots on the ground to get a feel for it rather than make a HUGE decision to go all in  when I'm not sure it's where I want to live. My gut / soul isn't presenting an answer one way or another about moving.  There is still lots of uncertainty 17 months after my wife passed. I wish I could get this grief over with but I know it's not something that just ends like a work shift. I'd encourage you not to act too hastily with big life decisions. Of course in the end you have to do what feels right for you.

[Ronni_W]

Jemiga70, you touch on something that I've been starting to very much think/feel about...yet, your perspective is in a different way than I've yet been doing it.

This idea of us being able to "get this grief over with". For me - and only for me -- I  don't know if it's a reasonable and realistic "wish" or goal or aim, for me. I'd really love to hope, wish, think and dream that it is a reasonable and realistic expectation; for my own self, to be able to hope, wish, think (visualize/envision) and dream it for myself, that I will some day be able to just "get [my] grief over with".

Most importantly what I take from what you said, is to make decisions that, even before we act on it, we have a stable 'foundation' that we're not going to regret it -- we might end up changing it, but won't beat-up on ourself for having decided to test-out those waters. (Sort of, to give a very simplistic example of things that we have to take into consideration even though we're still grieving, first have a contract for a new job, before you quit your current job, to ensure to be able to maintain your housing situation.)

For my own way of how I try to follow my gut/Soul, which I'm trying to wait until I feel strongly about which way to go: If I'm not yet feeling strongly (as you are not yet feeling strongly about one way or another about moving), then I wait or try to be patient with myself, and wait. That is. I try to "stay put", as Robert D. put it earlier... until I get a sense of a 'prioritized message'. Which 'sense' can come in a second, even after I've been meditating on it for weeks...then...BOOM! YEAH!  (Or, for that matter...BOOM! NO!)  It's not easy to explain how it feels, internally, when it comes. But, Jemiga70, I think I kind of get it, what you're saying.   Love and hugs, and best,   Ronni

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Kevin O said:

While I know they meant no harm I no longer share how I am feeling with them.   They just can't understand how mentally, emotionally and physically draining this grief process is.  And I hope that they never do.  

Oh how true this statement is!  Unless/until you've been through it, you can't know, and while some souls are empathetic by nature, most simply "fail" at their "responses."  It's almost as if we have to TEACH them how to respond in grief!  Just what we're up to when getting up is already more than we can handle (sarcasm intended)!  Sometimes I wanted to print out the following and hand to them or forward in an email...
Help another in grief
 

[Sally72]

@Kevin O & @KayC Yes, yes and many times over YES!!! The things people say sometimes during someone passing! I realize it is because they haven’t been there, and so it is what it is, and that makes it so I try to not take offense. I can do that now (5 yrs. in) but it was pretty difficult to hear some of the things people said at the time and for a while after. My mom commented to me right after the funeral, she said “I wonder if I have in the past said to other people going through this, some of the awful unthinking stuff that has been said to us in the last week or two”! … then there is the “don’t u think u should be getting over this and moving on?” (for me that was said around 4-6 months!) … so yes, people who haven’t gone through this just can’t understand… and we can be understanding that they can’t understand, and just try to let it “roll off” …most/many of them DO mean well, they just don’t know how to express it. 
On the flip side of that, I remember one person said to me with true care in their eyes “I just don’t know what to say” …for me that was one of the best things he could have said. That told me he cared and yet wasn’t hurtful or ignorant. I simply gave him a genuine Thank you!  Love and prayers to all of us here! 🤍 

[Jemiga70]

16 hours ago, Ronni_W said:

This idea of us being able to "get this grief over with".

@Ronni_W  I know it's not possible, for me.  Thats why I used the word "wish."  "I wish . . . but I know grief doesnt work like that."  Grief for me is not something that can be got over, though some days I wish it could be.  My hope is that in time more space grows around it.  I heard somebody say that our grief is not a badge of honor; our LOVE is.  And what you said about listening to your gut / soul. . . exactly, that's how I'm approaching it. The hardest part is being patient.  Somebody once told me "If you don't know what to do (e.g. a decision), then do nothing till you do know what to do."  Take care Ronni,

[Roxeanne]

Soon after my loss i wished intensely to close the door behind me...my special one was no longer with me...my beautiful life with him was over! So i needed to follow my strong emotions...away from the pain, away from the desperation of a house frighteningly lonely, away from a desolate sad life...

I would have done if i could...sometime you need to go in pieces!

I saw in the escape the chance to avoid the terrible sorrow and fear to live WITHOUT HIM!

Brokenhearthed and lost as i was i didn't want to understand that the only way is "through"...

 

 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Sally72 said:

I remember one person said to me with true care in their eyes “I just don’t know what to say” …for me that was one of the best things he could have said

Yes.  And I've seen that mentioned in articles.  It's okay to do something tangible (bring a meal, mow the lawn), it's okay to just be with the person without saying anything, the problem is when people open their mouth and verbiage pours out without any knowledge of grief and platitudes or cliches come out!  Almost always guaranteed to bomb.

[DWS]

10 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

 The hardest part is being patient.  Somebody once told me "If you don't know what to do (e.g. a decision), then do nothing till you do know what to do." 

Yep...I learned that it's called "living within the tension" and it has its importance in our lives. Our fast and aggressive culture leaves us believing that decisions need to be made and the quicker the better. We may need to do that in life or death situations and also the workplace but when it comes to important personal matters, choosing this or that isn't easy so rather than making a quick choice and living with the consequences, sometimes it's best to live within the tension. The answer very often arises while we remain there and yes, it does require a lot of patience and observance. The best thing we can do for ourselves is to understand that something is actually taking place even if we're standing there doing nothing. 

[SharedLife]

On 10/6/2022 at 6:21 PM, Robert D. said:

The grief and sorrow at losing my wife is unbearable now.... everywhere I go on the way to work and on the way back is a place where she and I lived our lives or shopped or did things together. Going home is literally hell now....it really is. Fridays through sundays literally kill me. I'm thinking about selling my house and going back to Dallas where I was born and raised and where I haven't lived for 30 plus years.. I really am.. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

I've considered the same and have spent hours looking at houses on real estate sites.  Everywhere I look, something reminds me of her and it's painful to think about her loss.  But for me, moving would not be easy.  And I've asked myself if I'd feel guilty for leaving all those memories and reminders behind.  I've decided to stay where I am and always remember her rather than face the prospect that I might feel I'd abandoned her memories.

[Ronni_W]

Yes, indeed. I'm not sure the author, but, "Wherever you go, there you are."  We can move physical locations, but we'll be taking all of our love and memories and sense of loss and grief, and everything else in our hearts, minds and Souls with us. For me...I get it that this is the case, even if I don't like it all that much. (The Jim Carey movie, about being able to have our memories erased/deleted...but...I don't want that, either. <sad sigh; sad smile>.)