Unexpected loss and anger

[sadcatmom23]

I'm so tired of hearing the same 2 lines over and over again.  "It happened for a reason." "Your dad wouldn't want you to be sad." 

I hate it. I get that it comforts some people, but I can't think of a reason for my dad dying unexpectedly at 48. He was finally going to come back home to work instead of travelling. He was taking better care of himself. We were working on our relationship. He was finally about to leave the awful woman that was holding him back. Everything felt like things were looking up for us. So no, I cannot think of a reason for all of that being cut short. I'm not angry at the people who say it, it just really hurts to have people that genuinely cared for him say that to me.

And he may not want me to be sad, but he ALWAYS encouraged me to express my emotions. I could call him absolutely losing it, screaming and crying, and he would always take the time to listen to me. He wouldn't tell me not to be sad. He would just listen and talk me through what I was feeling. He was my best friend and I never expected to lose him so soon. I would call him 10x a day just to talk and hear his voice. He was my safe place and honestly, I just don't feel like I have one anymore. He was my rock and I just don't know how to cope without his counsel.

He passed so unexpectedly after having an aneurysm. We didn't know what was going on, he tried to stand up and he fell in the floor so I just held him and told him I loved him. He looked so confused this whole time, but he looked up at me so clearly like nothing was wrong and said I love you too, silly. It gave me hope that he would be okay, but when we got to the hospital they had already declared brain death. It was up to me to decide if I wanted his organs donated and I knew that's what he wanted. He was a giver. But that didn't stop his girlfriend from telling my mother that I was "keeping him on a tube for parts." Did she think I wanted to sit up at the hospital for an extra week waiting on them to take my dad off of life support? That hurt me so deeply. My mom and I were up there grieving and crying and holding his hand. All Lisa did was steal all of his stuff out of our house and every penny out of his bank account. I had to steal back his watch, phone, and wallet just so I could have something of his to hold on to. Then she just moves on. Like nothing happened. I just don't get it and I think about it every single day.

I'm just so angry and I don't know how to let it go. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to be happy, but I don't know how I'm supposed to do that when I don't even know how to cope with the loss. I didn't expect this to be so long and I do apologize for that, but I'm really glad I found a safe space to finally open up about this. 

 

[Wandering Soul]

Hello, sadcatmom23.

I'd like to start by letting you know how wonderful of a photo that is of you (I'm guessing) and your dear father!  I can clearly see a beautiful resemblance.  I am very sorry to hear that you lost your father so unexpectedly.  I too lost my father unexpectedly and it was beyond heartbreaking.  

Often times, people are totally at a loss of how to console someone who is deeply grieving.  Sometimes, the strangest things come out of the mouths of well-meaning folks during these difficult times.  Words can be so "clunky."  I'm glad that you're not angry at the people fumbling for words, but recognize that this is coming from a place of hurt.  I remember at my father's funeral, one of his "best childhood friends" made a donation in his memory... spelling his first name wrong!  I nearly lost my mind when I read the donation envelope, but was able (just like you) to eventually move past it and recognize that my anger was simply hurt.  (There was still care and kindness behind the donation.)

Your father was so young and from your post it appears that you both were headed down a good, healthy road together (without the awful woman).  I can't speak for you, but I can relate.  I felt cheated.  Angry at the opportunities lost, conversations not yet had, hugs not yet felt, celebrations not yet celebrated.  As time has passed, I still find myself sad, but the deep hurt has faded.  I sincerely hope in time, the deep hurt fades for you as well. 

Your father gave you a gift of a lifetime and I believe you did the same for him.  What's the gift?  Unconditional love.  To have that person who you trust, can confide in, who makes you feel safe, who doesn't judge you, who loves you in moments of anger, sadness and desperation but encourages you to keep on going, who loves you for YOU... it's a priceless and immeasurable gift.  I'm grateful you experienced this with your father.  I experienced the same with mine!

I know at the moment this gift feels lost.  It's not all lost.  It's just that it has changed.  Death may take our loved ones away, but it can't take the love you had for one another with it.  Your father still loves you, death didn't change that.  It can't.  I know it's heartbreaking not to hear those words anymore, but his love for you will always be.  You'll feel it now though memories and experiences you shared together.  Hold on to those moments dearly and with care - no one can take those away from you... not even Lisa. 

I can understand your anger concerning your father's partner's actions after his passing.  She may have taken his stuff and monetarily benefited, but that's not long-lasting.  What you have from the relationship with your father is long-lasting.  It can't be bought!  My guess is that she may never know the true meaning of love, only greed; what a shallow, hollow life to live.

As hard as it must have been to be right there with your father as he was having an aneurysm, I'm glad you were with him.  I know those moments can be filled with agony and sorrow, but just like he had been there for you through life, you were there for him as well.  

Ignore the comment made by your father's partner who stated you were "keeping him on a tube for parts."  (I know, easier said than done.)  It sounds like something someone would say to amplify another's hurt and sorrow in a moment of devastation.  Don't fall prey to that infantile nonsense.  You did well faced with such a difficult decision; you honored your father's wishes.  May you continue to find ways to honor your father's memory as you heal from this loss.  What a wonderful, loving daughter you are.

Be patient with yourself.  You're still grieving.  You'll have good days and bad days ahead.  This is normal and okay!  Feel free to come back to the forum to grieve, express your feelings and share without judgment.  

 

Best wishes to you, 

Wandering Soul

 

[sadcatmom23]

Wandering Soul

Thank you so so much for taking the time to write out that beautiful response. It is so hard to truly open up about my grief, but to be welcomed so kindly and with so much compassion just lifts a little bit of the weight off my shoulders. Everyone tells me I was the love of his life and I genuinely believe that; he was a wonderful father and my very best friend. One of the little things that brings me comfort is looking in the mirror and seeing our resemblance. It makes me feel like we're not so far away sometimes. But thank you again for your warmth and kind words, it really has given me a little bit of peace.

Sadcatmom23