I'm lost

[joe902]

Little over 4 months ago I lost the love of my life and the mother of my young son. I feel like my whole world has fallen apart and their isn't anyone I know that really understands. It seems like a big blur, that it can't be real.

[Ronni_W]

Dear joe902, my great sympathies on your loss.

For me it was that my whole world that I used to know and live in got torn apart; it wasn't, for me, just a feeling. And I am the first of my 'group of same-aged people' to lose a spouse, so it is the actual reality of the group that nobody else really has any experiential understanding of what it's like or what I'm going through. (It's not their 'fault', or that they don't want to try to understand, but, put themselves in exactly my shoes (and mind and heart), they simply cannot do.

Yes, it's a blur, and yes, it seems unreal. People here can understand it. Glad you found us...sorry that you had to go looking for us.   Love and hugs to you and your son.   Ronni

[KayC]

@joe902  I am so sorry for your loss of your partner, the hardest thing in the world we can deal with.  I welcome you here, a place that is like a family, caring, understanding, there's someone here who "gets it" and understands.  I do remember feeling that surrealness in the early days, it took me years to process my grief, years more to find purpose, and years more yet to build a life I could live.  Then Covid came along and destroyed it, back to square one...only now I'm not the person I was, I am an old person now, growing old alone amid struggles, in survival mode.  I hope you will continue here, reading and posting, it was a place such as this that was my survival line when I went through it. 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Gail 8588]

Joe902,

I am so very sorry for your loss. 

Each of us on this forum have unique circumstances.  I am old, retired and lost my sweetie who I had been with for 40 years. The silence in my home was crushing. Others, like you, have young children in their home that bring daily responsibilities that are overwhelming. 

Inspite of our different circumstances, the impact of losing our soulmates is surprisingly similar.  People who have not lost their soulmate have no idea how life shattering it is. The physical pain, guilt, anger, confusion, despair, longing are overwhelming.  Sadly, we get it. Our lives have been shattered too.

I hope you will come here and read through the threads, vent or share as you feel the need.  There is some comfort in finding others who are experiencing the same kind of loss and pain you feel.  At least you know you are not going crazy. This is profound grief. 

So many times I have read a post here and thought "Those could have been my words".  Often others express how I am feeling more eloquently than I could have expressed it. 

I am so sorry that you have reason to join us on this grief journey that none of us want to take. But I am glad you found your way here.  I hope you will find some  comfort here. 

Gail

 

[Lost7]

Joe902 

I am so very sorry for your loss and pain. I lost my husband to COVID-19 9 months ago. It has helped to come to this forum and read other post. We understand the numbness, loneliness, heartache, confusion. Welcome we care.

Virtual hug Lost7