Starting to feel more stable but

[Roseapple]

It’s been 9 month of pain, numbness, disorientation, guilt, anger, anxiety an up and down trying not to get swallowed by this black hole that became my life out of nowhere. I am not the person who I was. That person is dead too. Now 9 month later I don’t break down anymore every other day, I don’t cry every day anymore. But…

I don’t have a lust for life anymore, I don’t expect anything anymore, I don’t hope. I’m turning 40 in January and my future died last winter. We wanted to start a life together, he even wanted to have a child with me. He daydreamed about it, telling me how it made him nervous to think about going back to diapers again since he was in his late 40s already. I was excited for this future and the possibility to still become a mother. 
 

now I see friends posting pictures of their kids and babies all over. People should realize that having children is a privilege, that doesn’t happen to everyone. And I’m angry that I didn’t get this… 

[BohoKat]

6 hours ago, Roseapple said:

I don’t have a lust for life anymore, I don’t expect anything anymore, I don’t hope. I’m turning 40 in January and my future died last winter. We wanted to start a life together, he even wanted to have a child with me

@Roseapple I can so relate to your grief experience with emotions all over the map. Mine has been very similar, and finally reaching the milestone of not crying every day.

Your journey is doubly difficult, losing not only your love, but also the child that might have been. I understand that grief, being infertile for almost a decade. That ache for a child took over much of my life. Although we were later blessed with a “miracle baby” (doctors could not explain), I can still feel the sharpness of that pain even now.

After losing my husband of 32 years and soulmate to cancer in the spring of 2021, I too felt like my future died. He had just started retirement and all the plans and dreams came crashing down. I am trying to honor him in the new person I am being forced to become.

Please set aside time to grieve your dream child, and take as long as you need.Maybe there will come a day you don’t cry, and you won’t be as raw. I wish for then you can share your obvious love and volunteer with children, or have one/foster/adopt. Lots of kids with no one to love them. And if that day never comes, that’s okay too. Peace be with you. <hugs>

 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Roseapple said:

People should realize that having children is a privilege, that doesn’t happen to everyone. And I’m angry that I didn’t get this… 

I am so sorry.  My daughter just turned 40, she didn't get kids either and was "made to be a mom."  She is aunty to everyone else's.  Her husband of 13 years left her 5 1/2 years ago, it took this long for the divorce.  He put her through so much the last few years, it's made it easier to accept the finality.  You don't have that.  Your love remains but where to direct it?  That's the hard part.  I am so sorry that at a time you should have your whole future ahead of you, it feels cut way too short.  Had I lost my husband at your age...we never would have met!  Instead he died barely 51, cutting short all our plans and now...I'm growing old alone.  Missing him so much.

All I know is, life is not fair or equal, I try not to let that embitter me, I have learned to look for some bit of good in each day, and not to compare what is with what was as comparisons devalue.  It's not easy, but rather a practiced art that gets easier in time.  And it's changed me.  It's helped me learn to live in this present moment.  I, too, do not feel what I'd call zeal in life like I once did, part of it is aging, part of it seemed to come with losses...I used to love making handmade cards, over 30 years, now the room sits and gathers dust, so it seems.  

[Ronni_W]

On 10/4/2022 at 2:58 PM, Roseapple said:

[...] now I see friends posting pictures of their kids and babies all over. People should realize that having children is a privilege, that doesn’t happen to everyone. And I’m angry that I didn’t get this… 

Dear Roseapple,

Please ignore, disregard and forget this if it doesn't fit for you, or if you've heard it before. It's okay to feel angry about the life that you never got to have. There is a very old book called something like "Going to Plan B" that I used after my divorce 25 years ago. Then I had to *really* use it, when my ('subsequent') life partner died, 2 years ago. This life of mine that I now have to try to live, and deal with and tolerate and put up with, is NOT what I'd hoped, envisioned or dreamed of, for myself. Not at all; not even anywhere close. It's still very difficult for me to see any 'light' at the end of this freakin', extremely dark tunnel.

Current-day, it's not really that I resent couples (my age, or younger, and, especially, older), nor would I call my feelings towards them "anger"...but most definitely I do hope that they do fully realize what they have, and don't just take it for granted.

Full disclosure. I am childless by choice. I know that it is a privilege to be able to raise children. I can't agree with you more, about that. Yet, I do also see where parents take it for granted, and don't cherish it for the privilege that it truly is.

Love and hugs,   Ronni

[Roseapple]

Thank you all. It’s all those layers of grief. Different kind of losses. One person disappears and it shows how fragile our world is. 
I feel like my own ghost, haunting my life. 
The worst thing is how useless our brains are. Why can’t I remember more? Why does most of it just feel like a dream? But I can remember my dress from a wedding I went to in the 90s and those hideous platforms I was wearing. 
Soon, next month, it will be a year since I have spoken to him last. After that he was kept asleep for 3 weeks before the machines were eventually turned off. Tonight the pain came crashing down on me again, as it does. The only little comfort I think is that there are so many out there, with this pain and so many that keep on, move forward or just have hope. If so many can do it, we will figure it out too. Everyone in their own way. 

[KayC]

Your brain has been through so much trauma, its no wonder your memory is playing tricks on you.  It'll come back eventually I'm sure.  (((hugs)))

[DWS]

23 hours ago, Roseapple said:

One person disappears and it shows how fragile our world is. 

This is what I find so amazing. My world's been totally shattered because the one that it centred around has been taken from me. Billions on this planet and not a single one of them can step in and take away this emptiness. And ironically, it hurts more if they try. 

[KayC]

@DWS  (((hugs)))

[Jemiga70]

On 10/16/2022 at 6:36 PM, DWS said:

Billions on this planet and not a single one of them can step in and take away this emptiness.

@DWS  Hitting the Like button seemed inappropriate, so I'll just say Yes, exactly, I hear you, thanks for expressing what I've been unable to.