Rubbed the wrong way!

[William M]

I hesitate to post this but, it has really bugged me for the last month, so here goes. Not being able to do this until now due to the intense pain, I finally visited the online site with my wife's obituary to read the comments. Every one was very kind and had many nice things to say. Then I read the comment from her foster mother for whom she stayed close with over the years. I didn't know her all that well. but we were always friendly with no issues ( as far as I know?)

 

The comment was a very nice open letter to her, talking about the emotional pain she suffered as a child from a broken home. She went on to mention the mutual love my wife shared with her sisters, and with her son, and of course her beloved dogs, She even went on to talk about the love expressed from her new co workers of a recent career change. And then, that was it!

WTH?

How about her husband of 36 years, that was with her since she was 17, and was never apart from for more than a day.  Again WTH?

She discussed the love of my wife's dogs and co workers but not me?  From her post, my wife appears single? Really?

Was this just an oversight? Am I overreacting? Did my wife indicate to her that she dint love me? I just went there to finally read these nice comments, and I get this?  My parents said it may have been a oversight, but I should just forget her side of the family as my link to them is now gone. This is probably true as they have cut all contact from me, and I feel they never really liked me. Its a shame things are this way.

I guess I could post her comment here but is that appropriate or even worth the time?

 

 

[Ronni_W]

William M,

Weird and messed-up people react to their loss in weird and messed-up ways. It has nothing to do with us, and everything to do with their own 'messed-upness'.

My life partner's family are also as messed up and weird as your wife's. (Well...turned out to be; I never really saw it when he was still alive.) They're blaming me for his death, because I couldn't get him to change his mind about going on the adventure of his lifetime (a 'bucket list' item), that ended up costing him his life.

I don't really know what they think I was supposed to do? Tie him up on a chain like a dog, so he couldn't leave the house? Ever. (???)

No. Don't lower yourself to their level. Don't post their stupid, ignorant, weird and messed-up comments anywhere else. Don't even acknowledge it, nor, through repeating it in any form, support and perpetuate it; not anywhere. (Other than with professional therapist, counselor or spiritual companion/pastor.)

I know how much it hurts me, for them to now see and treat me this way. But, eff them!. I/we/you know how important you were to your wife, and how much she loved you (and how much she didn't really give an eff about either those dogs or her co-workers, in comparison with how much she felt and gave an eff, about you). YEAH? So, eff the losers and weirdos and messed-up people who are too weird, and messed-up, and ignorant, to have any kindness or compassion left, to give to you.      (Your wife, I'm just guessing, would not be at all impressed with how they're doing things now, right? (My husband, neither, about how his family are treating me.))   Love and hugs, and let us just stay strong in our own love that we know we had.   Ronni

[William M]

Thank you Ronni

[foreverhis]

8 hours ago, William M said:

Did my wife indicate to her that she dint love me?

I know I don't actually "know" you, but I simply cannot believe that to be true.  You've written about the life you and your lovely wife shared.  That is what you know to be true. 

8 hours ago, William M said:

. This is probably true as they have cut all contact from me, and I feel they never really liked me. Its a shame things are this way.

I'd be willing to bet (if I were much of a betting gal) that this is why her foster mother didn't deign to mention your 36 years together--more than twice as long as the life she lived before you.  I'm sorry to say that you are not the only to mention this kind of thing, both recently and in the past.  I don't understand it, but that's the way some people act.  My John came from a small family and was estranged from his parents (who died before him anyway), but the few family members we were close to are still a part of my life.  Yet all too often it seems "Out of sight, out of mind, out of their lives."  I'm sorry.  The thing is that it is entirely on them and not a darn thing to do with you and the love you and your wife share.

8 hours ago, William M said:

I guess I could post her comment here but is that appropriate or even worth the time?

You could and I wouldn't say it's inappropriate, but I don't think she (or they) are worth another minute of your time.  You know what you and your wife had and what you will have "down the road aways."  Let that be what fills your life and your heart.  They don't deserve a single bit more of your thoughts or energy.

As always, just my opinion.

[widower2]

8 hours ago, William M said:

She discussed the love of my wife's dogs and co workers but not me?  From her post, my wife appears single? Really? Was this just an oversight?

No.

Quote

Am I overreacting?

Hardly.

Quote

Did my wife indicate to her that she dint love me?

Of course not. But I suspect you already knew that.

Quote

I just went there to finally read these nice comments, and I get this?  My parents said it may have been a oversight, but I should just forget her side of the family as my link to them is now gone. This is probably true as they have cut all contact from me, and I feel they never really liked me. Its a shame things are this way.

Yes it is. But there is never a shortage of people acting hurtful, stupidly, and just plain asinine in times like this. I never got it. You'd think this would be a time for anything but. Sadly, times like this can bring out both the best and the worst of people. You don't want to know the horror stories I could tell about my beloved's scumbag daughters after she passed (or even when she was in a coma in hospice). I guess I knew it was possible for people to be that low, it just seemed to defy the laws of humanity, if there's such a thing.

 

Quote

I guess I could post her comment here but is that appropriate or even worth the time?

That's up to you; I don't think anyone here would consider it inappropriate. 

IMO frankly to hell with her. She wants to be petty and low class, whatever. You're better off without her in your life then. If it was me, I'd be tempted to write a counter response on that site, talking about your wonderful life together and if only you had both had other quality people in your life, but you didn't and it all the love in your lives was really just you two.......but that's me. If that's "lowering myself to their level" I don't care. I've lost all patience with POSs and have no problem ripping them a good one when they've earned it. tbh I think we need more of that in this world really; letting POSs getting away with being POSs doesn't do any one any good. That said, I'm not saying you should go there, just that I might.  

 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, William M said:

Did my wife indicate to her that she dint love me?

No...don't even go there.  She sounds clueless to grief.  Some people aren't good supports, she sounds like one.  I'm sorry this was your experience with her...read and treasure the other entries, but let go of this one.   Hard to do, I know.  It was classless..

15 hours ago, Ronni_W said:

It has nothing to do with us, and everything to do with their own 'messed-upness'

Yep!

[SDC]

People do things based on their needs, ego, and narcissism. Even when their behavior is hurtful and enraging, their actions are more about them than us. 

I think this Maya Angelou quote is fitting in this circumstance: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." This woman has shown herself to not be worth your time or energy. Not mentioning you in her letter to your wife was thoughtless at best and purposely hurtful at worst. Use that as fuel to rid her from your mind and your life. It isn't easy. I continue to exert too much energy in "WTF?!" thinking and reactions when I experience similar offenses. But I strive to use that energy and my reactions to rid myself of people who don't deserve the power to unsettle me. 

[Ronni_W]

On 10/2/2022 at 6:51 PM, William M said:

Thank you Ronni

William M, for "weird and messed-up people", we can also use words like thoughtless, selfish, callous, insensitive, unkind people.

That's all that these kinds of people are; it's on them and not on us, as I said.

Yes, of course we can also try to justify their crappy garbage, and it was a "mere and simple oversight" -- but, that's just us being thoughtful and kind and      trying to give them our 'benefit of the doubt' without actually holding them responsible and accountable for their negative/toxic attitudes, behaviour and conduct. Our question really ought to be, "What caused this 'oversight' on their part?"  And it is callousness, thoughtlessness, insensitivity, unkindness, selfishness bordering on narcissism, on their part. Nothing, nothing at all to do with us, nor with how much we were loved and appreciated.

Love and hugs, again, William M.   Ronni

[KayC]

22 hours ago, SDC said:

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

I love this!  I've heard Dr. Phil say that, I didn't realize it originated with Maya, a very special person!

22 hours ago, SDC said:

I strive to use that energy and my reactions to rid myself of people who don't deserve the power to unsettle me.

I love this way of putting it!

[Ronni_W]

William M, how're you doing over there?  Love and hugs -- and happy (Canadian) thanksgiving to you -- 10 October 2022 -- if you can get to any of that. (I can't, for +95% part of things; so don't need to worry about that, as far as I'm concerned. <LOL>. Can worry if we so choose and want to, but, IMHO, we don't need to, is my current outlook on things that I'm sharing.)   Really just hoping that you're doing okay over there.   Ronni

[William M]

Thanks Ronni,  I'm trying to hang in there. The one year anniversary date is coming up for me next month, so I'm dreading that. I always looked forward to Thanksgiving and time off, but I have no Idea how the holidays are supposed to work now. Just more to deal with, and the periodic grief overloads seem to have gotten a little stronger this month.  I'll see how it goes I guess

[KayC]

Holiday grief
Holiday Tips
Holidays
Holiday Coping: Suggested Resources 2015
Therapists Predict How The Holidays Will Affect Our Mental Health | HuffPost Life

[Kevin O]

To William M.  I had a similar situation.  When my partner's niece spoke at his funeral service, she talked about his ex-wife and their kids (which was appropriate) but never mentioned my name once.  No indication that the last 20 some years of his life were spent with me.  And that I had been to every wedding, birthday, graduation party that his family has had for the past 20 years.  While her not mentioning my name was not entirely unexpected it did seem strange.  And unlike you I have no doubt that this was intentional but at the time she was really that last thing on my mind. If she was trying to prove a point well, I feel bad for her because she can't hurt me.  Her slight was miniscule compared how I was feeling that day/how I feel now. Reading your post reminded me of that day.   

[KayC]

Wow, just wow!

[Ronni_W]

On 10/11/2022 at 6:00 AM, William M said:

Thanks Ronni,  I'm trying to hang in there. The one year anniversary date is coming up for me next month, so I'm dreading that. I always looked forward to Thanksgiving and time off, but I have no Idea how the holidays are supposed to work now. Just more to deal with, and the periodic grief overloads seem to have gotten a little stronger this month.  I'll see how it goes I guess

William M, that's just another "gift that keeps giving", in my own 3-year experience. (Because of my effed-up circumstances, I actually have three 'loss anniversary' dates...on top of regular birthdays and holidays throughout the year.)

Anyway. In my own experience of these now dozen or so 'anniversaries' -- it really doesn't seem to matter how well we *think* we have prepared (insulated) our heart and mind and Soul -- it's almost even like, the more we think we're ready, the less it will turn out that we actually were ready. The one that we get through this time is not any indication at all of what/how it will be like, next time. For me, I've been "all ready and prepared" (so I thought) for this or that particular anniversary or holiday and...pphht...nothing. Until the next week or month; or sometimes, before the actual calendar date. Somehow I did manage to realize that I was actually having to deal with 'premature grieving' or 'delayed grieving', depending on how my heart/mind/Soul decided it was going to happen for my conscious mind, for that particular 'anniversary day'.   At present time, mine have also been getting more intense...I'm sort of putting it down to this whole "approaching the 'merry' season". So, I'm kind of already bracing myself that it's going to get worse from now until the middle of January. Then Valentine's Day to "look forward" to. For me, it's been going like this.

[widower2]

On 10/11/2022 at 5:55 PM, Kevin O said:

To William M.  I had a similar situation.  When my partner's niece spoke at his funeral service, she talked about his ex-wife and their kids (which was appropriate) but never mentioned my name once.  No indication that the last 20 some years of his life were spent with me.  And that I had been to every wedding, birthday, graduation party that his family has had for the past 20 years.  While her not mentioning my name was not entirely unexpected it did seem strange.  And unlike you I have no doubt that this was intentional but at the time she was really that last thing on my mind. If she was trying to prove a point well, I feel bad for her because she can't hurt me.  Her slight was miniscule compared how I was feeling that day/how I feel now. Reading your post reminded me of that day.   

...and there's another addition to my list of people I'd like to "accidentally" bump into and knock down a flight of stairs. Oh gosh sorry! Are you OK? You're not? aw.

[Ronni_W]

15 minutes ago, widower2 said:

...and there's another addition to my list of people I'd like to "accidentally" bump into and knock down a flight of stairs. Oh gosh sorry! Are you OK? You're not? aw.

Nah! They're not worth our time or trouble, or Energy or effort, (or negative Karma, if one believes in that sort of thing).

When it comes to this sort of thing, I've really just been trying to live and treat these people how my hubby knew me, loved me, and would want me to do when dealing with his side of our family. My worst that I did, was tell hubby's brother that he was coming across as 'callous' in the given situation, and then, on a different occasion, asked him to leave it with me to reach out to him, as to if or when I needed his "help" to clean out hubby's personal things (less than a week after we found out hubby was dead). Long story. But, trust me, based on his prior emails, this brother-of-hubby's wasn't looking to "help" me, at all.

[Sally72]

On 10/11/2022 at 6:00 AM, William M said:

the periodic grief overloads seem to have gotten a little stronger this month.  I'll see how it goes I guess

@William M I can so relate. Something I somehow believed in the first months was “if I can just get to one year I will be better” (I don’t know at all where my mind came up with that!) well the one year anniversary came along and as you shared “the periodic grief overloads” increased for me too. From talking to others it seems to be common. Hang in there and keep on sharing here. We all care! 🤍