I lost my best friend/lover I don't know what to say to her mom

[Willard ye]

I recently lost my friend just when we started to date. .I'm broken, not even sure I'll ever be okay. I want to go to her parents house to pay my respects but I don't know what to her mom as I am also in deep pain 

[DWS]

I'm so sorry for this recent tragic loss in your life. You don't need to worry about saying the right thing to your friend's parents. The sorrow and confusion during this time always creates awkwardness and a sense that we should be doing something more. In all likelihood, they likely will appreciate the visit or call from you. You're a very special someone who shared closeness and intimacy with their daughter. That might provide some added warmth and comfort that they're needing...and for you as well. 

[BohoKat]

@Willard ye I am so sorry for your recent loss.  Did your beloved tell them of you and/or did you meet them before? I do not presume to know her but some people are not as close with their parents as others. Even if you have to introduce yourself, hearing from someone who loved their child might be a comfort. Think out in advance a few things you want to say and good luck no matter your choice. <hugs>

[Ronni_W]

22 hours ago, Willard ye said:

I recently lost my friend just when we started to date. .I'm broken, not even sure I'll ever be okay. I want to go to her parents house to pay my respects but I don't know what to her mom as I am also in deep pain 

Willard ye, you just already said what to say to her mom: "I am in such deep pain and feel so broken over my loss...but I sense that your pain is even deeper than mine...but, so...I don't really know what to say to you, other than...this thing...this deeply traumatizing and life-altering event, has deeply pained and affected us together and also very differently, in a deep and seemingly unbearable way. I know that there is no way, but, is there some way that I can help you, right now?              Do you need me to do some shopping for you? Or a 'walking buddy'? Or someone to just sit with you in silence, while you cry? I will try to be for you what you need -- no promises, but I will try." (Willard ye, this is, of course, paraphrasing what you said. <weak smile with lots of love and hugs>.)

I'm sorry for your loss, Willard ye. Say also to her mom that you know that any words coming out of your, or other people's, mouth, will feel extremely hollow and meaningless and not, ever, enough. Her mom will understand what you mean...just as you understand what I mean.  Love and hugs to you, Willard ye.     Ronni

[Willard ye]

On 9/30/2022 at 4:03 PM, BohoKat said:

@Willard ye I am so sorry for your recent loss.  Did your beloved tell them of you and/or did you meet them before? I do not presume to know her but some people are not as close with their parents as others. Even if you have to introduce yourself, hearing from someone who loved their child might be a comfort. Think out in advance a few things you want to say and good luck no matter your choice. <hugs>

She told them about me but we only spoke on the phone. Never met in person.

Thank you very much. . appreciate it 

14 hours ago, Ronni_W said:

Willard ye, you just already said what to say to her mom: "I am in such deep pain and feel so broken over my loss...but I sense that your pain is even deeper than mine...but, so...I don't really know what to say to you, other than...this thing...this deeply traumatizing and life-altering event, has deeply pained and affected us together and also very differently, in a deep and seemingly unbearable way. I know that there is no way, but, is there some way that I can help you, right now?              Do you need me to do some shopping for you? Or a 'walking buddy'? Or someone to just sit with you in silence, while you cry? I will try to be for you what you need -- no promises, but I will try." (Willard ye, this is, of course, paraphrasing what you said. <weak smile with lots of love and hugs>.)

I'm sorry for your loss, Willard ye. Say also to her mom that you know that any words coming out of your, or other people's, mouth, will feel extremely hollow and meaningless and not, ever, enough. Her mom will understand what you mean...just as you understand what I mean.  Love and hugs to you, Willard ye.     Ronni

Thank you very much. .I do understand what you mean.

[KayC]

On 9/29/2022 at 9:59 PM, Willard ye said:

I recently lost my friend just when we started to date. .I'm broken, not even sure I'll ever be okay. I want to go to her parents house to pay my respects but I don't know what to her mom as I am also in deep pain 

I am so sorry but I want to welcome you here to our site...it's the hardest thing in the world going through this but it seems to help to have a place to come to where others are going through it also and understand.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Ronni_W]

Willard ye, if you have not yet met her mom (or her other family, friends and loved ones) in person, then it is, or could most likely be, a lot more challenging.

If I try to put myself in that position, we can -- but only if we feel strong enough within our own self -- offer to 'sit in silence' with them on the phone, or during a Zoom session, or 'FaceTime' or any of the other those types of 'video chats'.

I would also offer to you...as best you can, try to be aware of your own needs in any given moment. (Just the other day, I was in the 'supportive' role, but just got triggered, and just had to say, "I'm really sorry, but I have to go." We can't feel guilty or 'bad about our self' when this happens. We need to give love and compassion and kindness to our own self, also. Otherwise we'll just get drained and exhausted and depleted, and not be able to do any useful thing for anyone else, either.)

Love and hugs and strength to you, Willard ye.     Ronni