Tired

[Dragonfly999]

I’m tired of it all.

I’m tired of being tired, no matter how much I try to rest.

I’m tired of being asked, “How are you?” while the querying party looks at me hopefully, wanting me to say what they want to hear. If I dismiss them with “I’m fine,” they take that to mean everything’s okay now. If I’m truthful, they furrow their brow and look perplexed that I’m still mourning.

I’m tired of being treated like I’m mentally ill because I’m grieving the loss of my soulmate. “It’s only been five months!” I say. “It’s already been five months,” they respond. “Get over it.”

I’m tired of unsolicited hurtful remarks by strangers. “You look sad, what’s wrong? Oh. Well, that’s fine, you’re young and attractive, just go find someone else.” As if my loving, generous, pure-hearted husband could just be callously replaced like some material thing. Sir, you’re lucky I didn’t punch you in the face. 

I’m tired of being told that feeling better when I dream of him, or feeling better when I feel his presence or feel that I get a sign from him, is unhealthy, harmful, delusional. “Just let him go,” as if I should just box him up and put him away. 

I’m tired of coming home to an empty house, restless and pacing in the silence, not able to find anything to fill the half of my heart and soul that is missing. 

I’m tired of having no real sense of hunger, of thirst, of normal daily needs. Of thinking maybe I’m hungry, preparing food and not wanting it. In the trash it goes.

I’m tired of waking up each morning to have it all come flooding back to me. He’s gone, it’s real, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Just get through another day of hell and forget about how it used to be heaven. Heaven is too far away now. 

As petty as it sounds, I’m even tired of conversing with my adult stepdaughter, who only wants to gush about her infatuation with her new boyfriend when I’m heartbroken, no longer wanting to hear about her father. I tolerate it with tears steaming down my face. 

I’m just tired.

[Lost7]

Dragonfly999 

I'm sure you've heard it all! I sure have. Everything you say resonates with me. And doesn't that 5 months without him seem like an eternity in hell? I'm so sorry I wish I had the words to make you feel better. All I can say is I will be praying for you lifting you up. 5 months of emptiness is brutal. I myself am working on nine months and it still hurts very much. 

Blessings Lost7 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Dragonfly999 said:

I’m tired of being told that feeling better when I dream of him, or feeling better when I feel his presence or feel that I get a sign from him, is unhealthy, harmful, delusional. “Just let him go,” as if I should just box him up and put him away. 

Who tells you that?  Family?  See them less.  Find a support group and establish friendships there, people who get it, people who won't tell you things like this.  I'm sorry you're experiencing this.  Stand up to them and speak your truth!  I grew a lot of moxie when my husband died, as I realized my best friend, advocate, and protector was gone and now it's up to me to be this for myself.

[Dragonfly999]

Colleagues mostly. They just can’t wrap their heads around why I’m “not better yet.” Ridiculous when I’m in nursing administration. My boss had an awkward talk with me about how I’m withdrawn and look sad all the time. I asked if she had a problem with my job performance and the answer was “not specifically…” Basically it seems I’m too depressing to be around and they don’t like that. 
 

I’m just done being around people. Feels like no one I interact with must even understand what love is if they can’t fathom grieving for their husbands for more than a few months. I tried to share a sweet memory about him and the response was, “OH. Well, I’m completely in love with my husband but he would never do anything like that for me, but it’s because I just don’t need things like that to make me happy.” As if I’m only mourning because I’m just too needy. 

[BohoKat]

17 hours ago, Dragonfly999 said:

Sir, you’re lucky I didn’t punch you in the face. 

@Dragonfly999 Thank you for your honesty!!! I too lost a soulmate (32 yr marriage), and have oftentimes felt the same way. They should be grateful for our restraint lol. Not to minimize your pain but I think we should laugh when we can. Wishing you peace in your journey.

[Dragonfly999]

 

[DWS]

3 hours ago, Dragonfly999 said:

Colleagues mostly. They just can’t wrap their heads around why I’m “not better yet.” Ridiculous when I’m in nursing administration. My boss had an awkward talk with me about how I’m withdrawn and look sad all the time. I asked if she had a problem with my job performance and the answer was “not specifically…” Basically it seems I’m too depressing to be around and they don’t like that. 
 

I’m just done being around people. Feels like no one I interact with must even understand what love is if they can’t fathom grieving for their husbands for more than a few months. I tried to share a sweet memory about him and the response was, “OH. Well, I’m completely in love with my husband but he would never do anything like that for me, but it’s because I just don’t need things like that to make me happy.” As if I’m only mourning because I’m just too needy. 

This sounds so stressful for you! I work on my own from home but I've often wondered how difficult it must be going into a workplace and having to put on a brave face everyday around co-workers. Your situation likely is common but as you say, you'd think there would be a hell of a lot more compassion and understanding among nursing staff. It's so maddening that the majority just can't swing their thoughts around how devastating it is for others going through such huge, painful loss. You deserve praise for standing up to your boss with your self-awareness that this isn't affecting your job performance. Tragic loss sadly happens in life and that's not a secret for those in the medical trade. Hugs to you.

[Ronni_W]

23 hours ago, Dragonfly999 said:

I’m tired of it all.

Dragonfly999, yeah...me too!

I was thinking that we need to come up with new terminology for this feeling.

It isn't 'suicidal' (as in, wanting to kill one's self), nor "suicidal thoughts", nor "suicidal ideation". It has nothing to do with any of that (at least, not for me).

But also, it is that there isn't anything that I have yet read about, or heard about, or seen, that actually or properly accurately 'captures' the thoughts, and the feelings, and the...just 'inner felt sense', behind the feeling.

I do not want to kill myself...but I also have no main reason for living, either.

What are the physical words, that we can write a book about, about how we feel? (Or, actually, like about 12 books about it, right? <LOL>.)

[Ronni_W]

7 hours ago, Dragonfly999 said:

Colleagues mostly. They just can’t wrap their heads around why I’m “not better yet.” Ridiculous when I’m in nursing administration. My boss had an awkward talk with me about how I’m withdrawn and look sad all the time. I asked if she had a problem with my job performance and the answer was “not specifically…” Basically it seems I’m too depressing to be around and they don’t like that.

I’m just done being around people. Feels like no one I interact with must even understand what love is if they can’t fathom grieving for their husbands for more than a few months. I tried to share a sweet memory about him and the response was, “OH. Well, I’m completely in love with my husband but he would never do anything like that for me, but it’s because I just don’t need things like that to make me happy.” As if I’m only mourning because I’m just too needy. 

Dragonfly999, everything that you said here! That's the book that you need to write! (But, so...now there's only 11 books left, for the rest of us to write. <LOL>.)

It comes across that you have already realized that just because your career expertise is 'nursing administration', doesn't mean that you were taught, as part of your formal educational curriculum, how to deal -- with empathy and compassion -- with death, grief and loss. That didn't happen, at all. No formal education teaches also empathy and compassion. Well...not real, true and actual empathy and compassion. (Only facsimiles thereof..)

People don't get it, about mourning. For the rest of them, yeah...it is 'neediness' and 'weakness' that makes us not be able to always walk around with a big smile on our face. and always happy and optimistic, and, "Oh, well...it is what it is!"   We end up, actually, getting shamed because we are in grief. The Rainbow Coalition would not stand for it, to be treated how 'the Grieving Coalition' gets treated.

Write your own book, Dragonfly999. Or...I don't know...develop some kind of 'workshop' that you can lead, in your own ''employment group', or office, or however is your actual current professional situation. As the old Nike advert used to say, 'Just do it!" (Which, I know, is always easier for me to say than for you to do.) Help the crass, and the primitive, and the uninformed, to come to some little bit 'higher' understanding of what it means, and how it will feel, for them to lose their own life partner, soul-mate, love of their life.

Until then, we are always going to be the ones who are :"too needy" and "just not living up" to all of the stuff that they are putting on their own self (and on us) to be.

[Gail 8588]

Dragonfly999, 

I also felt as you describe.  A year and half after my husband died I resigned from my job because I was still so lost in my grief.  I felt my job was utterly pointless, I was unable to feign any light-heartedness at the office.  I just wanted a asteroid to fall out of the sky and crush me. There was no point in living and it was exhausting going through the motions of pretending any of it mattered.

Fortunately, I was close enough to retirement age to quit. Financially it would have helped me to work another 18 months, but I just couldn't do it. 

Nothing was any better after I retired, I just didn't have to face all those people who didn't understand why I wasn't over him by now.  It was just easier on me to withdraw and not have to pretend.

It took me another couple of years to finally regain a feeling of being connected to life again. 

I am 5 and a half years now. I still miss my husband and life is unquestionably harder alone than it was with him by my side. But I no longer wait for an asteroid to crush me.  Life is good, sometime joyous.  I no longer pretend to be a human being, I actually am one again.

Your journey back to life most likely won't take as long as mine. I had a number of unique circumstances that contributed to my being lost for so long, so don't despair. 

Just wanted to assure you, you are not alone in feeling this way. 

Gail

[Jemiga70]

9 hours ago, Dragonfly999 said:

Basically it seems I’m too depressing to be around and they don’t like that.   I’m just done being around people

I'm so sorry @Dragonfly999.   One doesnt just "get over" this like a common cold. What the heck is wrong with some people?  I wouldve thought those in the caring professions would know better.  I'm nearly 17 months out and it still hurts like hell - of course it does.  I'm lucky I work online from home.  The only interaction is have with people is via typing/texting and the rare voice call.  Around the time my beautiful wife passed my job involved me talking A LOT.  I got shuffled out of that position pretty quickly because - I believe - they could hear the immense sadness and apathy in my voice. . . and that was bad for business.  Luckily my current position opened and I was a perfect fit so they slot me in there, so now I dont need to fret about that stiff upper lip nonsense.  I hope you can connect w people who really get it, who dont criticize you for feeling your husband's presence and signs.  I understand that too, b/c I believe my wife has been guiding me / dreams etc.  Your husband sounds like a great guy.  It only makes sense the way youre feeling.  You take care,

Edited September 28, 2022 by Jemiga70
explicit language

[widower2]

On 9/26/2022 at 9:17 PM, Dragonfly999 said:

I’m tired of it all.

I’m tired of being tired, no matter how much I try to rest.

I’m tired of being asked, “How are you?” while the querying party looks at me hopefully, wanting me to say what they want to hear. If I dismiss them with “I’m fine,” they take that to mean everything’s okay now. If I’m truthful, they furrow their brow and look perplexed that I’m still mourning.

I’m tired of being treated like I’m mentally ill because I’m grieving the loss of my soulmate. “It’s only been five months!” I say. “It’s already been five months,” they respond. “Get over it.”

I’m tired of unsolicited hurtful remarks by strangers. “You look sad, what’s wrong? Oh. Well, that’s fine, you’re young and attractive, just go find someone else.” As if my loving, generous, pure-hearted husband could just be callously replaced like some material thing. Sir, you’re lucky I didn’t punch you in the face. 

I’m tired of being told that feeling better when I dream of him, or feeling better when I feel his presence or feel that I get a sign from him, is unhealthy, harmful, delusional. “Just let him go,” as if I should just box him up and put him away. 

I’m tired of coming home to an empty house, restless and pacing in the silence, not able to find anything to fill the half of my heart and soul that is missing. 

I’m tired of having no real sense of hunger, of thirst, of normal daily needs. Of thinking maybe I’m hungry, preparing food and not wanting it. In the trash it goes.

I’m tired of waking up each morning to have it all come flooding back to me. He’s gone, it’s real, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Just get through another day of hell and forget about how it used to be heaven. Heaven is too far away now. 

As petty as it sounds, I’m even tired of conversing with my adult stepdaughter, who only wants to gush about her infatuation with her new boyfriend when I’m heartbroken, no longer wanting to hear about her father. I tolerate it with tears steaming down my face. 

I’m just tired.

This could have been a post I'd written years ago, although being unemployed at the time, I didn't have to endure the insanely stupid and hurtful remarks you have. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I would have punched at least one of these aholes in the face (and then been unemployed anyway). I've said this before, but when I hear such things, I fantasize about being in your position and going up to such people and hitting them in the head with a baseball bat. Then when they're laying there in agony, I'd go "HOW ARE YOU? WHAT? GET OVER IT ALREADY, IT'S BEEN LIKE 10 SECONDS. BESIDES, YOU'RE YOUNG, YOU HAVE TIME. YADA YADA BONEHEAD." 

Unreal. 

Maybe you should point all these people to a site (maybe not this thread though )  about mourning and grief so they can get a clue. 

 

[KayC]

13 hours ago, DWS said:

I've often wondered how difficult it must be going into a workplace and having to put on a brave face everyday around co-workers.

When I lost George, there wasn't such a thing as working from home.  My boss was wonderful, had someone who had suffered loss of a child speak to all of the employees before I returned to work.  He told me to take as much time off as I wanted and I'd be covered.  I returned to work in two weeks, coming in on day 5 to do payroll as I knew that'd be hard for him.  The employees were wonderful.  Then in a short few months, I lost my job, looked for another job 5 1/2 months, worried about losing my home, finally landed one making less $ and having to commute 100 miles/day, with an idiot boss and employees that did not get it...I learned to keep it all to myself.  It was a hard seven years there, the hardest.

5 hours ago, widower2 said:

I fantasize about being in your position and going up to such people and hitting them in the head with a baseball bat. Then when they're laying there in agony, I'd go "HOW ARE YOU? WHAT? GET OVER IT ALREADY, IT'S BEEN LIKE 10 SECONDS. BESIDES, YOU'RE YOUNG, YOU HAVE TIME. YADA YADA BONEHEAD." 

You slay me with your candor!   

[widower2]

Sorry People like that just really hit a nerve. 

And sorry about that job thing! As if you didn't have enough to deal with. I used to have a job commuting about 100 mi/day too (and more than my share of idiot bosses) and do not miss it. God bless telecommuting. 

[foreverhis]

On 9/26/2022 at 6:17 PM, Dragonfly999 said:

I’m tired of being asked, “How are you?” while the querying party looks at me hopefully, wanting me to say what they want to hear. If I dismiss them with “I’m fine,” they take that to mean everything’s okay now. If I’m truthful, they furrow their brow and look perplexed that I’m still mourning.

This is why I loathe that "How are you?" is basically just chatter, a social custom without meaning.  It's not even small talk! 

I came up with a number of "non lies" as responses to people like acquaintances, clerks, checkers at the grocery, etc.  Things like, "Some days are better than others" or "Well, I'm alive, so I guess that's something" or "I've been better."  Mostly things that don't invite questions, but that aren't "I'm fine" because I wasn't effing fine.  Sometimes I wanted to say, "I lost the love of my life to the bastard cancer.  How the hell do you think I am?"  And over time, I did express that sentiment, but with slightly gentler words.

On 9/26/2022 at 6:17 PM, Dragonfly999 said:

I’m tired of being treated like I’m mentally ill because I’m grieving the loss of my soulmate. “It’s only been five months!” I say. “It’s already been five months,” they respond. “Get over it.”

Thoughtless, careless, rude things said by people who have no clue what it's like.  They haven't walked in our shoes, so to speak, and our grief makes them uncomfortable.  They don't want to be reminded that death and loss and grief are real and lasting and so they want us to pretend it's not.  They don't want to admit that it could and someday will happen to them.  And so every time it's "get over it" and "just move on" and other hurtful things because they are callously thinking of themselves, not us.

On 9/26/2022 at 6:17 PM, Dragonfly999 said:

I’m tired of unsolicited hurtful remarks by strangers. “You look sad, what’s wrong? Oh. Well, that’s fine, you’re young and attractive, just go find someone else.” As if my loving, generous, pure-hearted husband could just be callously replaced like some material thing. Sir, you’re lucky I didn’t punch you in the face. 

Ugh!  I loathe it when I hear someone has said, "You're young.  You'll find someone new," as if our soulmates are pieces of furniture or something.  Yeah, he was lucky you didn't punch him in the face, though of course, it was the right thing to not do.

I didn't and don't like when someone asks, "What's wrong?"  This is another, "What do you think is wrong?  My husband died.  What's wrong is the same thing that was wrong 6 months ago and a week ago and yesterday."  At 5 months, you've barely had time to process the reality of losing him.  It takes a lot longer than that to figure out how to move forward into a different life without them.  Even then, it's a challenge every day.

On 9/26/2022 at 6:17 PM, Dragonfly999 said:

I’m tired of coming home to an empty house, restless and pacing in the silence, not able to find anything to fill the half of my heart and soul that is missing

I hate to say it, but that's something that takes a long time to get used to for most of us.  The loneliness is amplified by the stillness and silence.  We're reminded every time we wake up and every time we walk in the door that our lives and hearts have been shattered.  It gets easier with time, as most things do, but there will always be days that it weighs heavier than others.

The truth is that grief is absolutely exhausting.  That sleep so often eludes us doesn't help, that's for sure.  There are still days that it hurts to simply get out of bed in the morning and breathe, but they're not constant now and the waves of grief aren't tsunamis of constant pain.  I never believed that "time heals" and I now know that it doesn't, but time does help.  It helps our grief evolve into something we can carry with us, along with our love and happy memories, as we step forward on our grief journeys.

[Stan]

I'm currently going through similar emotions, my girlfriend passed away a month ago and I've been getting constant messages from mutual friends saying the same thing, "Are you okay?" "If you need anything, let me know." I know their hearts are in the right place and I honestly appreciate their words, but sometimes I can't help but feel like I've heard enough. Right now I'm just cutting people out, when they invite me out I'll make up an excuse. If they send me a message, I'll give simple replies like "Ok" or "Thanks". It's probably not the healthiest thing to do to be honest, I've ended up cutting out like 90% of the people I know but I really need that distance from them. I can see it in their eyes when I see them, the way they're just thinking if I'm really okay, or about the whole situation in general. And I'm not okay, nor do I want to be, and I'm tired of people trying to make me feel better. 

[KayC]

On 9/28/2022 at 8:38 PM, foreverhis said:

This is why I loathe that "How are you?" is basically just chatter, a social custom without meaning.  It's not even small talk! 

How Are You? Answer | The Grief Toolbox

[Kevin O]

Dragonfly999

Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you for what you wrote. I'm tired of it all / I'm just tired sums it up.  

[Kelley McFadden]

I hear ya. Just give it to God and let Him bear it for you, He's more than capable.

[Ronni_W]

I think it's okay if we say, "I don't even really know how I'm doing right now, and I don't really know what I need from other people. But, thanks so much and I really do appreciate your caring and compassion; I promise that I'll let you know as soon as I know," (or sentiments along those lines).

For me, the dangerous part is to make sure to not just stay "inside myself" -- which, full disclosure, for the most part I have been doing -- but then also have to make sure keep reminding myself that these are my own decisions and choices that I am making for myself, and does not at all indicate that 'my people' are not interested. They do wholeheartedly care and do genuinely want to do what they can (even if, as far as things go, well...is just very limited, but not their fault for their not having yet experienced anything like this).

[Gail 8588]

For the first 3 and a half years my response to people who really did care was "I have not figured out how to live without him."  

That evolved to "I am beginning to figure out how to live without him."

Perhaps it didn't sound like much progress to them, (especially since it had been more than 3 years) but it was a huge shift to me. The first 3+ years I was drowning in grief with no hope at all.  When I finally started reconnecting with life, I felt there maybe was a life for me that was not constant sorrow. 

Gail

[KayC]

I think for myself I knew how to live without him, I just didn't WANT to!  I've always been a strong independent woman, but when we have "our person" it's amazing how quickly you develop that infinity feeling...that co-dependence (in a healthy way) on each other, partnering in life...to have that ripped out from under you...well, it's a LOT!  It's amazing to me that once you have that, you are never the same again.

[PLin]

EVERYTHING you said, Dragonfly.  Much love.

 

[Sim7079]

On 9/27/2022 at 9:06 PM, Dragonfly999 said:

 

Thanks for sharing Dragonfly. This is a powerful video. I had that question just yesterday. ‘Will you ever move on’

it’s the most annoying thing to hear. My love for my husband will never die. Our love is eternal and everlasting - that I know for sure x

[Roseapple]

On 9/28/2022 at 2:46 AM, Ronni_W said:

I do not want to kill myself...but I also have no main reason for living, either.

This is so true! I also find it hard to tell others, because they will just hear that I want to kill myself probably. 
I am not that interested in life anymore, I am not hungry for it. 
 

[Roseapple]

On 9/27/2022 at 3:17 AM, Dragonfly999 said:

You look sad, what’s wrong? Oh. Well, that’s fine, you’re young and attractive, just go find someone else.” As if my loving, generous, pure-hearted husband could just be callously replaced like some material thing. Sir, you’re lucky I didn’t punch you in the face. 

I try to picture myself, dating, meeting someone, kissing someone…it’s so absurd. How? I am not searching anymore, I had found it. 
Really your whole post resonates with me and as you see with so many of us. 
5 months is still so fresh. I wish no one would have to go through it. I still can’t believe that it is part of life, this pain. 
 

[KayC]

I don't necessarily think being with someone else is the only way for someone to move on from grief...people think so, yet really they are trying to replace what they've lost, yet often find they haven't, they have compounded their situation.    Some try to push out thoughts of their person only to have it haunt them later on.   Really the only way is to allow our grief to present and learn to live with it, we can't move on from it.    It takes us learning to live alone, learning to carry our grief, finding out who we are now that our identity is lost to us.  We use many methods to do this, reading books, forums, grief support groups, journaling, counseling.  And it takes time, years, and there is no timetable that is one size fits all.

[Sim7079]

I hear what you say Roseapple and relate. I don’t have that same zest for life I had. I don’t really get excited or interested in anything anymore. I try not to go around like a sad sad person as I don’t want family to worry, but don’t have that happiness anymore.

[Sim7079]

So true KayC. I agree with everything you have said. I think it is more society that can’t deal with our grief, sadness, us talking about our loved one, or visiting the grave. It is people around us who wants to move us on. Move us onto someone else, move us to leave the home you shared together or the car you shared together- no no no no to all of that. 

[Gail 8588]

I do think finding another loving partner can help some people re-engaged in life.  I have no direct experience in this, but I have closely observed it in a few cases. 

In what I have seen, the new partner has been very supportive of their partner's continuing love for their deceased spouse.  Encouraging, even participating in, trips to the gravesite, being sensitive to prior birthdays, anniversaries, death dates etc. The new spouse is able to talk about the prior spouse with kindness. 

From what I have observed, it has allowed the widowed person to remember and honor their deceased spouse while fully engaging in their new life.  It is really nice to see. 

Maybe it is just the old adage "the grass is greener on the other side of the fence" but it seems to me life is a little easier for those who do get into a good relationship after being widowed, (obviously not true for a bad relationship) than it is for those of us who remain single.  Being alone is hard emotionally, physically and financially.  It's hard not to compare this lonely life with the one we wish we could return to with our sweethearts. 

On the flip side, getting into a bad relationship is much worse than being alone, in my humble opinion. 

So, I try to encourage folks to be open to the possibility of a new relationship, but don't be in a hurry to jump into one.  There are worse things than being alone. 

Gail

[KayC]

5 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

I think it is more society that can’t deal with our grief, sadness, us talking about our loved one, or visiting the grave.

Ha, give it a few short years and no one talks about them anymore.  We carry it alone.  I don't mean to sound glib, it's what I've experienced.  My one sister that died a few months ago was the only one I talked to about him and now even she is gone.

1 hour ago, Gail 8588 said:

I have closely observed it in a few cases. 

My BFF of ten years moved to TX and remarried seven years ago, she fits that category, I'm happy for them both, both widowed.  But me, I find no one.  My couple of attempts OMG, were horrific, nope, God has not seen fit to drop anyone in front of me.  But I do think regardless, it's important to get used to living alone and being on our own before going there.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Gail 8588 said:

There are worse things than being alone. 

Yes and I've lived it.

[Sim7079]

It’s very true @Gail 8588 & @KayC, there is nothing wrong with being alone after loosing the one you love, if that is what you choose. I also think it is beautiful for those that do find love again & the new partner is accepting and embraces the love you still have for you partner that has passed.

You never know in life what might happen. But I suppose you have to be open to that possibility, otherwise you won’t find love again. I’m in my early 40’s and over half my life I spent with my loving husband & can’t imagine loving anyone the way I loved him, so not even open to that possibility.

Would be interesting to hear from others that might be five or more years in on their thoughts.

[Sim7079]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

 

 

3 hours ago, KayC said:

Ha, give it a few short years and no one talks about them anymore.  We carry it alone.  I don't mean to sound glib, it's what I've experienced.  My one sister that died a few months ago was the only one I talked to about him and now even she is gone.

Oh no 🙈 I hope not. I’m not looking forward to that. I do like it when I can talk about my husband to family and friends. You do learn quick the ones that you can do this with and the ones that feel uncomfortable .

[foreverhis]

On 9/27/2022 at 5:46 PM, Ronni_W said:

was thinking that we need to come up with new terminology for this feeling.

It isn't 'suicidal' (as in, wanting to kill one's self), nor "suicidal thoughts", nor "suicidal ideation". It has nothing to do with any of that (at least, not for me).

But also, it is that there isn't anything that I have yet read about, or heard about, or seen, that actually or properly accurately 'captures' the thoughts, and the feelings, and the...just 'inner felt sense', behind the feeling.

I do not want to kill myself...but I also have no main reason for living, either.

I think all of us have felt and sometimes still feel that we don't care about living.  The difference between that feeling and actually being suicidal is difficult to explain to anyone who hasn't felt it.  Obviously, I can live without John, but like Kay says, I didn't want to.  After 4 years, I have found my way forward into a different life, not the one I had or the one I wanted, but one that I can live with at least some happiness.

On 10/13/2022 at 5:41 AM, Gail 8588 said:

Perhaps it didn't sound like much progress to them, (especially since it had been more than 3 years) but it was a huge shift to me. The first 3+ years I was drowning in grief with no hope at all.  When I finally started reconnecting with life, I felt there maybe was a life for me that was not constant sorrow. 

Same with me, Gail.  It was during my third year, coincidentally and oddly including the latter part of 2020 when we were still in partial lock down and separated most of the time, when I started to really feel a connection to the world and the people I care about again.  Of course I will miss John every day for the rest of my life.  My life is less than it was with him, but it is no longer empty.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

I also think it is beautiful for those that do find love again & the new partner is accepting and embraces the love you still have for you partner that has passed.

Oh, absolutely!  I'm not saying "never" either, if God has something for me I will gladly embrace it!  Just that after 17 years it hasn't happened and I'm okay with that too.  I don't expect it after all this time.  But neither would I say never.  Just that it is important to get learn who you are now that you are no longer Mrs. Someone, you see I always thought I had to be a Mrs. to be of value, I've learned different, I'm valuable just me.   And it's also an important piece to learn we can be alone, we can handle things on our own, make decisions, etc.  And it builds confidence!  It's just an essential grief step, rather than trying to remarry one month after loss when you haven't even had a chance to process that loss!  And believe me, I've seen people do just that.  Some work, some don't.  Luck of the draw.  Not that we can know or tell anything at that point!

BTW, I learned never say never as I had a friend who was 84 and met/married the love of her life!  He outlived three wives, including her, whom he took care of when she got cancer.  Then he got cancer and his kids took care of him until his death, which he had earned.  They were such a wonderful happy couple!  So if at 84 God cares to drop someone into my lap, I'd hope I'd go for it too!

[Ronni_W]

On 10/15/2022 at 8:36 PM, Roseapple said:

This is so true! I also find it hard to tell others, because they will just hear that I want to kill myself probably. 
I am not that interested in life anymore, I am not hungry for it.

Yes, exactly. Yesterday I was watching some documentary or news-piece that said the "average life-span for North Americans" is now 85. And I just went, "EFF!!! Another 25 years???!!!??? Aaggghhh!!! EFF!!!" (or, thoughts and feelings to that effect. <LOL>.)

The other day I tried to explain this sense of not being so enchanted with 'life on Earth' anymore, to a friend of mine, and she was clearly horrified. So I just told her, "Hey, if you need to call the cops or paramedics on me...then just go ahead. I'm telling you that I do not feel suicidal or as if I'm going to take my own life -- I'm trying to tell you something else entirely -- but, if it'll make YOU feel better, then just go ahead and call the effin' paramedics on me." (She didn't.)

But also. The people who truly do care about us are equally at a loss and out of their depth, as we are.

[Ronni_W]

On 10/17/2022 at 1:34 AM, foreverhis said:

[...] After 4 years, I have found my way forward into a different life, not the one I had or the one I wanted, but one that I can live with at least some happiness. [...]

foreverhis, I take your words -- your experience, for inspiration. I am still working most diligently to come to that...and, yes, am getting there. (I still am some ways away from "happiness", but can at least start to see the beginnings that something akin to "happiness" is still possible for me. Thank you for sharing.

[Sim7079]

I know exactly what you mean. I have the same feeling when people wish me many many more years at birthdays.

Before I didn’t think anything of it, but since my husband passed, when friends and family say it. I’m thinking oh no I hope not too many many years😂

And its like you say it is not suicidal thoughts. It’s just a different perspective. Long life is what most people strive for.

Not so much for me, not when you have lost the love of your life. But you can’t really share that with others who haven’t experienced loss, as they will feel you have given up, suicidal, mad or all three 😂. and it’s not really that at all.

[Ronni_W]

16 minutes ago, Sim7079 said:

[...] mad or all three 😂. and it’s not really that at all.

Well...full disclosure...sometimes I do feel "mad" (insane, living outside of any kind of 'normal' reality). 😁.   Love'n hugs to you, Sim7079.   Ronni

[Jemiga70]

I'm nearly 18 months out.  Truly I've lost zest for life.  The apathy.  I want only paths of least resistance from here on.  I sure as hell hope I go out quickly and suddenly, and that I dont live too long.  I'm 52 and feel 32, healthy as can be.  That doesnt bode well in terms of not wanting to live too long.  Full disclosure: I am NOT suicidal. Just apathetic. Lots of hopeless days lately, hopeless in the sense that I sometimes doubt this will ever get better.

[KayC]

5 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

I'm 52 and feel 32, healthy as can be.  That doesnt bode well in terms of not wanting to live too long.

Exactly!  Excepting my mysterious throat tongue condition and BP I have to control, I'm 70 and recently went into a gastroenterologist, I filled out PAGES of small print questions, front and back, maybe 7 pages in all, answering questions, by the time I got done, I was feeling pretty good about myself, everything they asked was a no except sore throat (they didn't ask about tongue glands)...I could easily live into my 90s!  And I've been at this over 17 years!  I don't see anything good coming from living into my 90s, but there it is.  I, too, am not suicidal, and want to live all Kodie's life for sure, beyond that I don't care but yet I take such good care of myself...kind of an enigma I guess.

[Sparky1]

On Monday it was 2 years since my wife passed away. In my case, I feel that the stress of grief has made my health worse in the last 2 years. I was just thinking about this the other day, I get over some ailment and another affliction pops up. My mom was 92 when she passed and fairly good up to then, another 30 years for me is tough to fathom.

 

[KayC]

Sparky, two year mark is noteworthy, thinking of you this week...yes, I know what you mean, I was 52 and couldn't fathom 40 more years, I've done 17 of them, what, 23 to go?  I don't see it but yet I do....one day at a time, it's all I can do.  And who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and make it sooner?!  A helluva way to think but I think you all know what I mean.  My lucky sister, she only had to do 1 1/2 years.

[Sim7079]

Thinking of you too @Sparky1, the anniversaries are so tough.

Deffo know what you mean @KayC

[widower2]

On 10/17/2022 at 1:34 AM, foreverhis said:

Of course I will miss John every day for the rest of my life.  My life is less than it was with him, but it is no longer empty.

I envy that. Tired and empty probably describe me since the loss better than any other two words. Dragonfly, I wish you and everyone else better luck going forward.

[KayC]

On 9/27/2022 at 11:19 AM, Dragonfly999 said:

Colleagues mostly. They just can’t wrap their heads around why I’m “not better yet.” Ridiculous when I’m in nursing administration. My boss had an awkward talk with me about how I’m withdrawn and look sad all the time. I asked if she had a problem with my job performance and the answer was “not specifically…” Basically it seems I’m too depressing to be around and they don’t like that. 
 

I’m just done being around people. Feels like no one I interact with must even understand what love is if they can’t fathom grieving for their husbands for more than a few months. I tried to share a sweet memory about him and the response was, “OH. Well, I’m completely in love with my husband but he would never do anything like that for me, but it’s because I just don’t need things like that to make me happy.” As if I’m only mourning because I’m just too needy. 

This and the video she posted are the last two I see...

[RichS]

It's been over 5 months since my wife's passing. i am more indifferent towards everything than I've ever been my entire life. Strangely enough, I usually have the will these days to help others when they need me. That's not difficult for me. Aside from caring for my son and uncle, in artist's terms, I'm currently looking at a blank canvass for the future. I don't know when I'll start feeling like "painting" again. Just going through the motions. I still work on my hobby (collecting sports cards), but I can feel the indifference even as I do it.

[KayC]

I used to find enjoyment in making cards, over 30 years of it, and then after my Arlie died Aug. 16, 2019 began the stretch of hand injuries, I can name 12 of them but I know there's more I've forgotten, all my card making stuff gathering dust, I don't even have the ability to dust it off, let alone load a room full of stuff off to take to town to give away, 50 miles from here...so I superficially dust once in a while, wishing for help but it doesn't come.  Have thousands of dollars into these tools and supplies, who would have thought a hobby that was such a stress reliever and gave me the ability to create works of art could now be burdensome...