Fiancé took his own life a month ago

[HeartbrokenGirl]

Hi, this is my first post here. I just found this site today. 
 

My fiancé took his own life about a month ago. We had been together for 4 years and engaged for 6 months. 

He had struggled with depression for a long time and his emotions could he like a rollercoaster at times. He had never attempted suicide before. I knew he was having a particularly bad time with his mental state in the time leading up to his death. 

At the time of his death (I still struggle to type that and believe that it’s real), I was 12 weeks pregnant. He knew about the pregnancy, but we hand told anyone else yet. We were just getting ready to start telling our friends and family. The pregnancy was not planned. I felt very conflicted when I first found out. While we both wanted children together (fyi, neither of us had children from previous relationships - this would be our first child, my first pregnancy), I knew it probably wasn’t a good time due to his illness and how much he was struggling. Despite that, we decided together that we were going to have the baby. We became happy about it. Well, I did. I became excited after my initial doubts faded a bit. He seemed happy too. we talked positively about the future.
 

Then, he did it. I didn’t witness it but I was there, I found him. I will never get it out of my head. All I did for weeks afterward was sob and wail. I couldn’t really speak actual words. Then after about 2 weeks of that I just became a bit numb, not able to believe my new reality.

I miss him so much it physically hurts sometimes. I’m so sad. I feel so guilty. And then sometimes I’m so mad at him for leaving me, leaving us, leaving his family. 
 

I’m a little over 16 weeks pregnant now. I’ve not told anyone about the pregnancy. It’s noticeable to me and especially noticeable with my clothes off, but I haven’t really “pooped” as they say and it’s still relatively easy for me to hide in the right clothing. I can’t hide it much longer. I don’t even know why I can’t bring myself to tell anyone. I don’t know if it’s just all the added pity and sympathy I’ll get, which I’m very uncomfortable with. Or maybe I fear I’ll be smothered by people with the best intentions but when I really just want to be left alone and not have to be personable at all. Every time I think of telling his family I feel sick. I can’t bring myself to say it. 

I don’t really know what I’m expecting by posting this but I guess I just want to talk to people anonymously and who aren’t directly involved in my life in any way. 

[BohoKat]

I know it is terrifying for you, but I am so happy for you that you are pregnant. You will have a part of him to cherish as you heal over time.

As a person who struggles with mental illness and multiple suicide attempts, I can tell you don’t feel guilty about his death. I and many others in this situation have found later that often a suicidal mind only wants the pain to stop and may not really grasp at that moment that suicide is permanent. 

I see the scars I have left on family and friends. I am so sorry suicide has touched your life and the struggles it will entail. Don’t stuff down your anger. You have every right to it and expressing it will help you heal.

This forum has helped me greatly, there are lots of good folks here. Speak out when you need to. Wishing you peace.

 

 

[SSC]

I am so very sorry for the tragic loss of your fiancé to suicide.  I also lost my husband the same way so I have a inkling of what you are going through right now.  In the beginning I kept repeating to myself  “this is real, this is really happening”.  It’s so shocking and devastating that it’s hard to wrap your brain around it.  Right now at only a month out you are still in shock probably barely making it day to day.  Self care is key, getting enough sleep and eating especially since you’re pregnant.

With not knowing much about either of your family dynamics but going off of how I’d feel, as a mother, I would be elated knowing my son who just passed was going to have a baby with the woman he loved!  That would mean a piece of him lived on and it would give me something to hold on to.  I would look forward to the baby being born and seeing my son in the baby’s eyes.  It would mean so much and would draw me closer to the mother (you).  Is this something you want or see happening with your fiancé’s family?  Would you find this comforting?  
 

loss of our significant other can be so crushing.  So overwhelming.  I lived alone with my husband when he died.  My children are grown and I live alone now. I have no purpose to wake up in the morning.  But having a baby to focus on and look forward to will help you get out of your head and force you to live life.  To get out of bed and do things.  That is so important.  

[HeartbrokenGirl]

25 minutes ago, BohoKat said:

I know it is terrifying for you, but I am so happy for you that you are pregnant. You will have a part of him to cherish as you heal over time.

As a person who struggles with mental illness and multiple suicide attempts, I can tell you don’t feel guilty about his death. I and many others in this situation have found later that often a suicidal mind only wants the pain to stop and may not really grasp at that moment that suicide is permanent. 

I see the scars I have left on family and friends. I am so sorry suicide has touched your life and the struggles it will entail. Don’t stuff down your anger. You have every right to it and expressing it will help you heal.

This forum has helped me greatly, there are lots of good folks here. Speak out when you need to. Wishing you peace.

 

 

Thank you. I’m also happy to be carrying his child, despite everything. My main priority now is to have a health pregnancy and to bring a health baby into the world. I know that stress isn’t a good. There have been times over the last month where I thought the grief and stress of everything would no doubt cause a miscarriage. Every time I’d feel a pain or a twinge I’d think “this is it.” But as of right now everything seems ok. I actually have a check up tomorrow morning. I can’t survive anything happening to our baby now. 
 

I say all of that because I still very much want this baby. I love him/her already. I’m not having negative feelings about the baby or ashamed or anything, so I know that’s not why I can’t bring myself to announce it.

It’s bittersweet though. I never imagined this being part of my path to motherhood. I feel like my whole world has been blown to pieces. 

I feel selfish being angry. I’m not angry most of the time, but sometimes it creeps in. It’s impossible for me to not feel guilty. I worry his family blames me since I was there when it happened. They say they don’t but I guess I still blame myself for somehow not intervening. I didn’t know what he was doing. I couldn’t have intervened and realistically I know that but it’s hard to accept.
 

 

[HeartbrokenGirl]

21 minutes ago, SSC said:

I am so very sorry for the tragic loss of your fiancé to suicide.  I also lost my husband the same way so I have a inkling of what you are going through right now.  In the beginning I kept repeating to myself  “this is real, this is really happening”.  It’s so shocking and devastating that it’s hard to wrap your brain around it.  Right now at only a month out you are still in shock probably barely making it day to day.  Self care is key, getting enough sleep and eating especially since you’re pregnant.

With not knowing much about either of your family dynamics but going off of how I’d feel, as a mother, I would be elated knowing my son who just passed was going to have a baby with the woman he loved!  That would mean a piece of him lived on and it would give me something to hold on to.  I would look forward to the baby being born and seeing my son in the baby’s eyes.  It would mean so much and would draw me closer to the mother (you).  Is this something you want or see happening with your fiancé’s family?  Would you find this comforting?  
 

loss of our significant other can be so crushing.  So overwhelming.  I lived alone with my husband when he died.  My children are grown and I live alone now. I have no purpose to wake up in the morning.  But having a baby to focus on and look forward to will help you get out of your head and force you to live life.  To get out of bed and do things.  That is so important.  

I’m so sorry for your loss. May I ask how long ago it was that your husband passed away?

I totally get what you mean about telling yourself “this is real.” Half the time I feel like I’m just waiting for him to walk in the door. Sometimes I have dreams about him that are SO realistic that they feel more like reality and reality feels more like a nightmare. It’s truly a day to day thing, sometimes even shorter intervals than that. I’ve had to return to work and I pretend like I’m ok. Everyone sort of tiptoes around me which makes me uncomfortable so I just try to act as “normal” as possible. Sometimes I’m able to get distracted enough that I don’t dwell on him and his death for 30 minutes. Then there are other days, like today, where I laid in bed most of the day because it’s all I could do. 
 

I’m pretty close to his family. His mom is taking his death particularly hard, understandably. She may be an even bigger mess than I am right now. She was her oldest child and her only son. They were very close. His family has included me in everything and the continue to invite me to spend time with them. They don’t believe it’s good for me to be here in the home that we shared because he killed himself here. But here I am surrounded by all of his things, which is good and bad depending on the day. I guess at first I hesitated to tell them because I was so worried something bad would happen with the pregnancy and they wouldn’t be able to handle it. Then, the more I continue to put it off the more awkward it becomes. I assume they’ll be happy, but what if they’re not? And if they’re happy (and I know this will sound bad), I worry his mother will smother me with trying to take care of me, give me money, etc. She sort of did those things anyway even when he was alive but now…. She means well, I just have a very hard time with that I guess. 
 

To be clear, I intend to tell them about it, just not sure when or how. I want our child to know his family. 

[SSC]

My husband passed almost 4 years ago.  We were married 35 years, high school sweethearts.  Best friends.  He too struggled with depression.  I also found him in my home right after he took his life and I still relive those moments over and over in my mind.  I continue to live in our home which is good and bad.  I have the comfort of the memories of him here with me, his things surrounding me but I also have the one horrid memory that shattered my whole life and that often overshadows everything.  But I just can’t let the house go.  I feel closer to him here than anywhere else and that’s more important to me.

It is good to hear you have a close relationship with your fiancé’s family.  Having the support is so helpful in coping with your loss.  And when you do decide to tell his family about the baby I just know it will be the most precious gift you can give them right now. 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, HeartbrokenGirl said:

I still blame myself for somehow not intervening. I didn’t know what he was doing. I couldn’t have intervened and realistically I know that but it’s hard to accept.

Hold onto this and remind yourself...you can't intervene in something you aren't aware of.

I am so sorry for your loss, it is huge, and I wish it were different, but I have no doubt you'll be a good mom and this will be a very welcome child in this time of darkness, it will be a bright light.  That's how it felt when my sister had her accident...her three year old died, she became quadriplegic with butchered vocal chords (and my other sister with permanent damage as well) but Donna's 4 month old baby was the bright light in our lives that saw us through those very dark years.

My heart goes out to you with all of these changes, it's a lot.  Are you close to your family?  His mom is caring, please let her, it sounds like it's hard for you to accept gifts from her, but perhaps that's her way of showing love.  You can put limits on it later on down the road, but right now I wouldn't.  You may feel it's smothering, but so many have the opposite issue.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[BohoKat]

10 hours ago, HeartbrokenGirl said:

I worry his family blames me since I was there when it happened. They say they don’t but I guess I still blame myself for somehow not intervening. I didn’t know what he was doing. I couldn’t have intervened and realistically I know that but it’s hard to accept.

@HeartbrokenGirl I understand acceptance is hard. It sounds as if his family is caring even if sometimes overboard. So unless you know otherwise take their words about not blaming you to heart. My family blamed my husband for my suicide attempts as well as my illness (severe bipolar disorder) and it caused a great rift and a lot of pain for many years where we really could have used support. My opinion, take their support and tell them about the baby soon. It might help ease the burden of blame that I know you can’t help placing on yourself. Grief is hard enough alone without overwhelming guilt alongside. Take good care of yourself. <hugs>

[jonquiljo]

@HeartbrokenGirl I understand what must be going on in you head these days (though not all of it).  My wife committed suicide in June 2022 and we had been together 33 years.  

There are no sensible answers — just questions.  I had been trying like hell to convince her to continue to live for at least 20 years.  Eventually, I don’t know how — but I just wasn’t right there at the right time to try to prevent things from happening.  

Please don’t tear yourself with “what-if’s” and what could have been.  Sometimes things just happen.  I’m sure he loved you very much.  

Jon

[HeartbrokenGirl]

Thanks to everyone for your kind words.

 

I finally told both of our families about my pregnancy. I told my family on Saturday. They are of course concerned about how I will manage alone. They’ll be there to help and support me but I’m still going to become a single parent, unexpectedly. Their feelings are mixed and I think it might take them some time to feel completely happy about it but I know they will love the baby.

Everyone in his family sobbed when I told them, his mom, dad, and sisters. His mom fell to the ground, wailing. As expected, she’s gone a bit overboard since. She’s cooked me breakfast, lunch, and dinner and hand delivered all the meals to my house for the past 2 days. She’s constantly texting to give me pregnancy tips, telling me about books to read, making sure I don’t need anything. Im glad to give her something to focus on but if she keeps this up for the entire pregnancy (and then with the actual baby) I’m not sure how I can handle it. In no way do I want to hurt her or make her feel like I’m closing her out. I love his family and I want them involved but I’m just the type of person who hates people fussing over me. It’s only been a few days so I’m going to let her continue to go on like this and see if it eventually calms down a bit. 
 

I know our child will be very loved. On one hand I’m happy that people know. On the other hand, it made me so incredibly sad, far worse than I thought it would. I realized that I was waiting for him to walk back in the door so we could tell everyone together as planned and when I finally had to do it alone it was like a real “he’s not walking back in the door.” I wasn’t prepared to feel it so intensely.

[HeartbrokenGirl]

On 9/25/2022 at 10:51 PM, SSC said:

My husband passed almost 4 years ago.  We were married 35 years, high school sweethearts.  Best friends.  He too struggled with depression.  I also found him in my home right after he took his life and I still relive those moments over and over in my mind.  I continue to live in our home which is good and bad.  I have the comfort of the memories of him here with me, his things surrounding me but I also have the one horrid memory that shattered my whole life and that often overshadows everything.  But I just can’t let the house go.  I feel closer to him here than anywhere else and that’s more important to me.

It is good to hear you have a close relationship with your fiancé’s family.  Having the support is so helpful in coping with your loss.  And when you do decide to tell his family about the baby I just know it will be the most precious gift you can give them right now. 

I get what you mean about not being able to let the house go. I feel the same and we weren’t here in this house together nearly as long as you and your husband. I can’t go in the place where he did it though. It’s starting to make me more and more uncomfortable. I just cannot go in there, the images I just can’t. I feel like it’ll be best to leave this house to give me and our baby a new start in a space where that didn’t happen but not only is it emotionally too much to think about selling but I don’t have the energy to move either - physically or mentally. 

[BohoKat]

8 hours ago, HeartbrokenGirl said:

I can’t go in the place where he did it though. It’s starting to make me more and more uncomfortable. I just cannot go in there, the images I just can’t. I feel like it’ll be best to leave this house to give me and our baby a new start in a space where that didn’t happen but not only is it emotionally too much to think about selling but I don’t have the energy to move either - physically or mentally. 

@HeartbrokenGirl @SSC I get it about spaces, completely. My husband did not commit suicide, but was in home hospice. The hospital bed overlooking over our big picture window and TV in our living room where he died is where the chairs I sit in are now back in their places. it has been 18 months for me, but I cannot tell you how long I avoided spending time in that room (moving not an option). I recently donated “his” chair because I could not sit in it and looking at it made me cry. It was hard as hell to let go of, but it helped me feel better once I did it. Maybe if you don’t move, maybe there are physical reminders that can go that will help you. My husband died at home which is what he wanted and I would never take that away from him, but it has completely changed my feelings about our home of 30 years. Peace. <hugs>

[KayC]

I don't think I could handle that much fussing over me either, a bit over the top, so I hope it settles into something more manageable soon.  I understand your not wanting to hurt her, yet a minimal of boundaries doesn't sound out of line either.

Maybe your families can help you move?  Pregnancy you are so tired, esp. that first trimester, the second is a little easier sometimes before you get too big in the third.  BohoKat's post sounds helpful, having been there.