Long night of worrying

[LMR]

I have been trying to book a visit back to US but find that I just cannot bring myself to make the final commitment. I realise the problem is fear but fear of what? Just being there without him?
I was there more than a year without him but that year is so unreal. I have said before that grief warps time, it is as if it was just one long day and in fact it is hard to believe that it wasn't just last week that I lost him certainly no earlier than last year. But thinking about it 2020 - 2021 the whole world was in a state of suspension just waiting for it all to be over so we could go back to normal. Maybe some of that feeling stayed with me. I am still waiting for it to be over so that I can hold my love once again.
I miss my home but I am finding this so hard and it's messing with my head. Its 4am and I've been awake hours. I needed someone to talk to. Thanks for being there for me.

[DWS]

Everything that's going through your head is so understandable. In that period of 2020 to 2021, it was a different world for all of us but on top of that, you were dealing with the biggest tragic loss in your life. That's the nightmare you were enduring. Things are now getting back to a world that is familiar again but with one huge exception...the absence of our person! It's like so many things we sadly adjust to....living in familiar settings but now without the one we love.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, LMR said:

I realise the problem is fear but fear of what? Just being there without him?

Possibly.
 

 

8 hours ago, LMR said:

grief warps time

Absolutely!

8 hours ago, LMR said:

Thanks for being there for me.

[Gail 8588]

LMR, 

So sorry you are struggling.  It is so hard to think straight.  So hard to gather your strength to move forward on anything.

I felt so incomplete without my husband.  I didn't have the confidence to make a decision on much of anything.

I had a wonderful sister-in-law who stepped in and took control of my life for the first 6 months, but then she stepped back, and I was lost and alone. 

I don't know of anyway to cure this problem other than actually doing stuff.  You may make mistakes, but your head will clear  a little bit more with each effort.  At least that has been my experience. 

Gail 

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I don't know of anyway to cure this problem other than actually doing stuff.

Yes, that is it exactly.  Gradually you build confidence.  One survival down and you learn you will get through the next thing too.  You tell yourself, "I went through this and survived, I will this too."  But getting older has been very hard hitting...esp. with all these injuries.

[foreverhis]

On 9/22/2022 at 8:02 PM, LMR said:

I realise the problem is fear but fear of what? Just being there without him?

Gosh, that sounds completely logical to me.  There are places I don't want to visit ever again, places that were very special to John and me, because I fear how I will feel and react without him by my side. 

[Jemiga70]

On 9/22/2022 at 9:02 PM, LMR said:

I was there more than a year without him but that year is so unreal. I have said before that grief warps time

@LMR  I can relate to your situation somewhat.  After my beautiful wife passed, I spent a year alone in Asia before moving back to North America 5 months ago.  I remember only bits and pieces of that year.  Yes grief warps time. I was thinking to go back to Asia at some point, but I expect there will be fear and struggle to actually buy the plane ticket (if I do at all).

[LMR]

I have just booked a ticket. I'm committed now. I hope I can get through it. It's only two weeks away so I don't have much time to think about it. It will be like when I left, too busy to think. On remote control.