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My first actual cut without him


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Well as most of yall know I lost John a lil over 6 mths ago. He was my all. He had been through every cut in my operations and every procedure since I started having to have them. And as most of you also know I've been trying to get a spinal stimulator since the end of March right after John passed. Actually before he passed but it took me 3 mths to get in with the spine specialist and the appt was like 2 wks after John passed. Well I haven't had it done because I have no one in life. Yes I have a brother and sister but we're estranged.  They did take me to my pulmonary appts when I got diagnosed with the lung disease but that was just to see if I was going to die so they'd quit having to worry about me. But turned out I'm going to have a normal life expectancy and poof they disappeared again. So they called me from the hospital where its going to be done and when I tried to explain the situation and that I no longer had anyone to come with me for a procedure or surgery they stated I HAD to have someone with me. I told them once again I HAVE NO ONE!!! They asked if I had a neighbor. I said um yeah but thats what they are just neighbors but Ive got quite a few. I live in an apt complex. She said well can you ask one of them. I said lady they're neighbors.  Not someone you go up to and say hey I'm having surgery you mind going to the hospital with me sit there for x amount of hours sign a release to take care of me for the next x amount of hours. She told me well they won't do the procedure with out you having someone here with you. So I asked my 73 year old neighbor that I'd kinda been talking with.She said sure I don't mind. Which I honestly don't think she did. But that didn't make me feel any less like a bum or bother. Well it took over a mth to get me scheduled and a wk ½ before my procedure she hurt her back and told me if she wast better she wasn't going to be able to go with me. I explained to her that I didnt want to have to ask her in the first place but they won't do it without someone with me but I definitely don't want her hurt trying to help me. They called me the Friday before the Mondays appt to confirm that I was going to be there. I told her the lady that was going to come with me had hurt her back she's 73 and I asked her how long the procedure is going to take. She said 3½ to 4 hours. Well the hospital that it's going to be done at is over an hour away. Then the 3½ to 4 hours there and the over an hour home . I told them I'd call them back. Well I called Ms Flora asked her how she was feeling. She said better and told her that I'd asked about the time to see how long it would take. I let her know it would be a min of 6 hours and so I told her if there was anyway possible that she would hurt or not be comfortable to let me know. That if she didn't think she would be able to handle it to please let me know. I would not be mad at her at all. That I'd rather have to reschedule then her to hurt. She said I don't think I can do it I'm so sorry. I said that's fine no problem.  I'll call and reschedule. As soon as I hung up I broke down. 💔 I need John.  John was my person. He was my significant other. He was my medical contact.. if I need someone there he was. So i called the hospital back and was still crying. I told them I don't know what to do. I have no one. I asked what is a person who is utterly alone in this world supposed to do. The lady said I'm sorry. And at this point I. Hysterical. She said I'll ask the RN  what to do. Then the RN got on the phone and I explained the whole situation and she told me she'd ask the Dr if he'd do it. Since I had medical transportation and I would be driven home by a medical company through Medicare. She called me back and said that he refused to do it without someone there. I told her to cancel and she said for me to take the weekend to see if I could find someone.  I told her I DONT HAVE ANYONE!!! The lady I asked was the only neighbor I knew. And I'm hysterically mad as hell at this time. I asked WTF is someone to do put an ad in the paper and pay a stranger to go with them. Just cancel the appt and I hung up. Well now I've gotten it rescheduled and it's Monday.  I have the 73 yo neighbor who is prepared to go with me. Another neighbor Kayla I've gotten to know since I moved to this new apt is prepared to go with me and I've been seeing this guy I've known for 4 years now I asked if he would be willing to go with me.  I mean Jared and I have become closer and I feel comfortable with him I told him tonight that I'm going to be in a very vulnerable situation when I get this done and I've known him for 4 years and I believe I'd be a lot more relaxed at ease and comfortable with him than with either Ms Flora or Kayla and I'd like him to stay with me for a while afterwards. He told me Wed that he'd know today if he could do it.  I asked him after he got off work tonight and I told him that I'm not trying to make him do something he didn't want to do or something he wasn't comfortable with or anything like that but I'd really appreciate it if he could and gave him all the reasons why. And he tells me he'd know tom afternoon.  I just feel like such a bum. I have no one. I told my sister we were going to have to figure out something with the medical situation for me. I said that I'll work it around her and Phil's schedule that if its got to be 2 to 3 mths down the road to fit in their schedule I'd do that. I told her it's not like I'm asking them to come over an hour and take me to a grocery store. I need to have a medical procedure to make my life more livable.To get a better quality of life. She said Diane I cant just drop everything in my life for you. I said ok Tina I love you and hung up. That's like when I told my brother if my neighbor didn't help me finish moving my furniture that I might have to call on him. He said no I can't help you I don't have time. Flat out. I mean really. What the hell.  The property manager here told me to take my time moving my stuff. She knew I didn't have anyone helping me. That I'm disabled. That I was moving my 2 bedroom apt a laundry basket full at a time.  And I couldn't do but so much. But that 2 Apts had came open before. Ine they wouldn't be getting to mine for a while. Well I went into the office a cpl wks ago and the regional manager is in there. I wasn't trying to hide anything and I honestly didn't think I had done anything wrong because she (the property manager) told me to take my time. So I told her I had gotten the last basket full the day before and when I got my faucet out I'd give her the key. The rm Jackie said wait E6 has been empty for 53 days and you still have the key. I told her I just got the last of my stuff out the day before. She said then you should've paid rent on both Apts. I said I just lost my partner and I don't have anyone. 8m disabled and moved a 2 bedroom apt by myself a basket full at a time and she said thats not our problem. I told her that they had two come open before mine and it wasn't like they had one of them fixed as of yet either so they still hadn't gotten to E6. She said it didn't matter. And said something smart-ass. I looked at her and said well that's not the way it happened now is it and walked out of the office. I brought the key back and said I'd like my faucet. And walked our. I'm doing the maintenance man's job(putting up blinds changing out the faucets. My responsibilities is to pay my rentbthetes is to take care of the Apts. I sent Lori the pm several msgs including one that said YOU are the one who tod ne to take my time. I could've thrown you under the bus but I'm bnot like that. I'm just tired of being alone and everyone walking all over me. I do my best to keep going I di my best to help anyone I can. I do the best I can do and it's never.... I mean NEVER good enough

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Sorry so long. I'm just really frustrated with everything.  Life is just hard as hell with someone and might near damn impossible by yourself.  Thanks for listening "reading" my rant. 

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