I'm lost and I want to get it out but not sure how to do this site

[Michelle R]

I lost my husband my soul mate in March of 2020, I was at work and got a call from my son. He told me that my husband was having a stroke and he was laying on a sidewalk asking for help. I later learned that the lady that stopped to help him had tried to call me because Jimmy (my husband) had asked her too, I hate to this day that I didn't answer the phone, I missed my chance to talk to him for the last time and him to be able to answer me. He lived for 6 days but unable to respond to anyone. On March 13, 2020, is the day he had a stroke and on March 19th, 2020, my life changed forever, 2 years later and I'm still walking around like I'm in an out a body experience. I go to work every day and cook dinner for my granddaughter, but my life feels like a big blur. We were recovering addicts and were clean for about 12 years of our marriage but relapsed and that's what killed him. I continued to use for about a year after he passed. I'm now in recovery and it is a huge struggle, but I don't want to go down that path anymore so I'm doing what I have to stay sober.  I just don't know how to live without jimmy it hurts just as much today as it did the day he passed. I wish so much I just had one more second one more minute to hear his voice to feel his touch. I don't and I have no idea how or if i will ever be happy, if I will ever feel like me again. I miss him so very much .  Thanks for listening

[DWS]

Michelle...I'm so sorry for the tragic loss of your husband. You are doing just fine with the site. It sounds like you need to get so much out. Be assured that many of us here hear you and acknowledge your grief. We're all experiencing similar tragedies in our lives and find the companionship here comforting. Tell us more when you need to. You may also find comfort going through the other topics we've posted on losing partners and spouses as you may find that you identify with so much of what others are going through and their rollercoaster of emotions. And yes, this hurts like hell. 

Hugs, Don

[KayC]

Oh Michelle, I am so sorry!  I am glad you found this site, it really helps to know there are others that "get it" and understand some of what you're going through.  People who care.

"Happiness" seems to be a state of the mind, one of our choosing, BUT it's never the same as "before" they were gone.  It's more about LOOKING for good in each day, some days it's a stretch to find anything, I'm talking little things like someone letting you merge in traffic, or seeing a rainbow...not big things.  I do hope you'll continue to come here to read and post.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[April Ballou]

@Michelle Rit has been 2 years since my husband died.  I took my husband to the hospital thinking they would make him better.  That's what I get for thinking.   I didn't get to stay with him.  I didn't even get to see him until 3 days before he died.  And the day he died I had to tell the dr to turn the ventilator off.  I never got to hug him, or kiss him.  I never even got to tell him that I love him.  He was my first and only love.  He was half of me.

[Michelle R]

I am so sorry that you didn't get to stay with him. Sounds like you were one of the lucky ones like me to have found your one true love, your soulmate in life. Knowing that is what keeps me going some days. My husband passed away March 19, 2020 right at the start of covid. I know what you mean when you say he was half of you.

[Robert D.]

Michelle R.   I am very sorry for all that you are going through. Today (11th) it has been a month since I lost my beloved wife of 23 years to a major stroke on August 11, 2022. I was asleep...trying to sleep....and got up in agony....went to this wonderful sight like I do throughout the day now....my new family....the wonderful caring people in here who know...who really know...what you and I are going through....they are going through this everyday nightmare trauma too.....I have really been blessed to have quickly found these wonderful people.....I'm able to get through the day because of their care and love. Just prayed for you. Be well tonight....take care! Robert D.

[KayC]

One month today for you.  I wonder when I stopped  counting months and started counting years...

[DWS]

10 minutes ago, KayC said:

I wonder when I stopped  counting months and started counting years...

It's an interesting question. Earlier, I was measuring the time in weeks. Every Wednesday presented a lot of suffering. I've now lost track of the weeks and moved onto months. And Wednesdays don't bring up as much suffering anymore so I guess that's something. 

[Robert D.]

You all help me so much....today being the first month since my beloved wife went to be with the Lord......the understanding...of going from this measurement of time to the next...incrementally....just seeing and knowing that you are traveling this road, unfortunately, confirms for me the reality I'm in... ...in the same ways that we are all in it...together....is really helpful and comforting to me......Love you all! RobertD

[DWS]

9 minutes ago, Robert D. said:

....the understanding...of going from this measurement of time to the next...incrementally....just seeing and knowing that you are traveling this road, unfortunately, confirms for me the reality I'm in...

Robert...looking into the future can bring so much sadness and suffering. It's the reason why we're better to try to live one day at a time...even sometimes, just an hour at a time. I posted this article once before on here when I was trying to figure out how living a day at a time worked. This article compares it to the mindset that mountain climbers use...to focus on where they are presently rather than looking up or looking down. It's a good analogy and maybe give you some comfort on this day....

https://medium.com/transform-the-pain/take-it-one-day-at-a-time-tips-for-coping-with-grief-2-c2f42b523175

[Robert D.]

DWS.....Thank you! 

[Robert D.]

DWS....That was very, very helpful....!! I read it....and will be doing it....trying...daily....thank you!

[DWS]

7 minutes ago, Robert D. said:

DWS....That was very, very helpful....!! I read it....and will be doing it....trying...daily....thank you!

I've found living a day at a time is not the easiest thing to do but even telling ourselves to do that gives us some peace within. It's a self-loving thing that reminds us to take care of ourselves. Just be easy on yourself and patient. It's probably the most important thing. Pushing ourselves too much can cause some suffering. I guess that's advice I need to take as well as I try to move forward. 

[Robert D.]

DWS ....I do appreciate your advice...."be easy on yourself and patient".....I am finding this very helpful....because...i am finding very quickly that there are things I would usually be doing...or doing more often....that I just cannot do now....or at least for now.....Thank you.

[April Ballou]

@Robert D. my thoughts and prayers are with you today.   I remember the first month was such a blur.  I didn't have this forum or any other grief support.   My children helped, his mother and his step dad helped.  But most of all God helped and He's still helping each and everyday .  

[Robert D.]

April Ballou....Thank you friend! This first month has been the hardest month of my life....just living in a daze...shock....trying to deal with heavy waves of grief....not here...here...not here...here....feel OK one moment....in desperation and agony the next...I appreciate so much your thoughts and prayers friend!

[April Ballou]

You are very welcome @Robert D.

[KayC]

I learned to be patient, understanding, and kind to myself, I have to be my own best friend now that I no longer have him to be.  That and one day at  a time...

[Brazil Man]

13 hours ago, KayC said:

I have to be my own best friend now that I no longer have him to be. 

Very well inspired phrase. I had never heard it before.

[KayC]

Another thing I've learned in this journey.

[Sparky1]

22 hours ago, KayC said:

I learned to be patient, understanding, and kind to myself, I have to be my own best friend now that I no longer have him to be.  That and one day at  a time...

I know what that means Kay. The other day I had a similar thought to this instead it's about depending on someone when you need something. The only person I can depend on is myself. I've had instances of where I've asked for some help in doing things and they just nod their heads but brush off my request pretending that they forgot about it. God help us that are alone and need help.

[Jemiga70]

On 9/11/2022 at 4:18 PM, KayC said:

I have to be my own best friend

Four months after my wife crossed, I was out biking and in distress, one of those days where the grief grabs and doesnt let go. At some point, and for no reason, I glanced to my right, to the sidewalk.  A woman walking by had on a t-shirt: Make Yourself Your Best Friend.