I'm just angry.

[Grizz]

Grizzly was 3 weeks old when we found him under our porch. We still have no clue where he came from or how he got there. But he was just a tiny little kitten. We weren't even going to keep him but he never left my side and I got attached rather quickly. But once he hit about 8 weeks we realized something was up with his eye. It was constantly watering and he was always squinting. He ended up with an ulcer and I fought for a year for him to keep his eye. He had permanent scarring and couldn't really see well but he got to keep his eye. Had to be put on permanent eye drops because it never really stopped watering. I really thought that was the end of it and maybe he would just get to be a normal cat. And then the digestive issues started. His weight dropped quickly no matter how much he was eating. It got to the point where the vet was like his second home. We tried so many different diets and eventually found out that a raw diet seemed to help. But that only lasted about a month or two before the issues would come back. With how quickly he was losing weight and the constant vomiting and diarrhea we had to make the decision to introduce a cat condo/cage. It was the last thing I wanted but it kept the other cats off him and keep him from eating their food. A month ago I finally found another diet that helped his weight had dropped under 5lbs but I thought maybe this would fix it. I started getting things that would help him gain weight and hold onto those calories just hoping I could get his weight up. A week passed and out of nowhere he just laid down and cried. As soon as I heard it my stomach dropped. I had a gut feeling that he wasn't going to pull through this time. But right after he went back to his happy self but wouldn't purr at all. I set him up with an area right next to my bed and when I woke up he seemed fine so I went to work like normal. When I came home he cried a few times while I prepared his food. When I brought it out to him he was just laying behind his litterbox completely still. I picked him up and he was shaking. When I tried to get him to sit up his body would rock and he'd immediately fall on his side. At this point all the local vets were closed. So we rushed him to the emergency vet. The entire way there he would let out very quiet meows and his body would randomly jerk. I really thought he was going to die on the way there. When we got there the only thing I could get out was "I think he's dying." They got him into a room and checked him out. I was told he was in critical condition and was in shock. They gave me the option to try and save him or to put him to sleep. I knew he wasn't going to make it through the night and I wanted to be there for him when he passed. That was the hardest decision I've ever made. That was about 3 weeks ago. I'm just mad. I'm mad that we never found out why he was so sick, we did every test possible, sometimes testing multiple times. Everything came back negative. I'm mad that I didn't choose to fight that day, maybe he would have made it and I just gave up on him. I'm mad that I introduced the cage because what if that made it worse. I'm mad that he was only a week away from hitting 2 years old. I'm mad that I didn't give him enough love and attention before he passed. I'm mad that I didn't hear his purrs 2 days before he passed. I'm mad that I didn't get videos of him meowing so I could drown out the pitiful cries he made on the way there. I'm mad at the other cats. I don't even feel like I should keep them, or that I even want to. Which makes me feel like a horrible person. I'm mad at myself for not fighting harder. I'm mad that my efforts didn't even make a difference in the outcome. I don't know how to get past this. When my bunny passed away he sat on my chest in the shower while I sobbed. He hated the water but he wanted to comfort me. I don't have that now. I feel alone and like I don't deserve my other pets or even to live. I keep listening for him, I just want to hear him once more. I'd trade anything and everything to have him back. That's literally all I want, I want him back. None of this is fair. He should have lived longer. He should be here right now. I'm struggling to eat. I've been eating a sandwich a day. Half in the morning and half at night. I can't eat more because I'll get sick. I can't sleep. I'm going to bed extremely late and getting up extremely early. We were supposed to go on a 10 day vacation to visit family. I got time off and everything but made the decision to cancel so I could work through this. My parents are extremely angry with me and that just makes things worse. I've just been spiralling, reckless spending, suicidal thoughts, thinking about self harm. I feel like I deserve this pain. Like I should continue to feel this way. And even if I don't deserve it I don't want to stop feeling this way. I want to feel this way and I don't know why or what's wrong with me. I don't know what to do or how to handle this.

 

[KayC]

5 hours ago, Grizz said:

I'm mad that I didn't choose to fight that day, maybe he would have made it and I just gave up on him.

You are going through the "what ifs" of early grief where our body can't handle the outcome that happened so our mind goes to all of the possible "what ifs" looking for a different scenario we can handle.  This is norrmal in early grief, but it doesn't mean the feelings are facts, they aren't...and wishing it doesn't change anything but can drive us nuts.  I am so sorry for your loss, that your little kitty had such a hard little life, it's very unfair, I know.  

.

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[AJWCat]

My heart breaks for you, I remember how incredibly angry I was, too when my cat suffered so much on his last night, it was horrible.

You deserve to be mad. It's not fair, your little guy just had so much going on with him. Thank goodness you were there to help him at the very end and he was not alone.

I know it's of little comfort. I am so so sorry for your loss. It was too soon. I wish I could say something else to ease your pain. Please don't beat yourself up you did all you could and whatever was going on sounds like a mystery... hang in there.  

[KayC]

I had to leave Panther won't let me pictk him up. ..praying.  the whole town is under fire evacuation

[Mar22]

On 9/9/2022 at 12:38 AM, Grizz said:

Grizzly was 3 weeks old when we found him under our porch. We still have no clue where he came from or how he got there. But he was just a tiny little kitten. We weren't even going to keep him but he never left my side and I got attached rather quickly. But once he hit about 8 weeks we realized something was up with his eye. It was constantly watering and he was always squinting. He ended up with an ulcer and I fought for a year for him to keep his eye. He had permanent scarring and couldn't really see well but he got to keep his eye. Had to be put on permanent eye drops because it never really stopped watering. I really thought that was the end of it and maybe he would just get to be a normal cat. And then the digestive issues started. His weight dropped quickly no matter how much he was eating. It got to the point where the vet was like his second home. We tried so many different diets and eventually found out that a raw diet seemed to help. But that only lasted about a month or two before the issues would come back. With how quickly he was losing weight and the constant vomiting and diarrhea we had to make the decision to introduce a cat condo/cage. It was the last thing I wanted but it kept the other cats off him and keep him from eating their food. A month ago I finally found another diet that helped his weight had dropped under 5lbs but I thought maybe this would fix it. I started getting things that would help him gain weight and hold onto those calories just hoping I could get his weight up. A week passed and out of nowhere he just laid down and cried. As soon as I heard it my stomach dropped. I had a gut feeling that he wasn't going to pull through this time. But right after he went back to his happy self but wouldn't purr at all. I set him up with an area right next to my bed and when I woke up he seemed fine so I went to work like normal. When I came home he cried a few times while I prepared his food. When I brought it out to him he was just laying behind his litterbox completely still. I picked him up and he was shaking. When I tried to get him to sit up his body would rock and he'd immediately fall on his side. At this point all the local vets were closed. So we rushed him to the emergency vet. The entire way there he would let out very quiet meows and his body would randomly jerk. I really thought he was going to die on the way there. When we got there the only thing I could get out was "I think he's dying." They got him into a room and checked him out. I was told he was in critical condition and was in shock. They gave me the option to try and save him or to put him to sleep. I knew he wasn't going to make it through the night and I wanted to be there for him when he passed. That was the hardest decision I've ever made. That was about 3 weeks ago. I'm just mad. I'm mad that we never found out why he was so sick, we did every test possible, sometimes testing multiple times. Everything came back negative. I'm mad that I didn't choose to fight that day, maybe he would have made it and I just gave up on him. I'm mad that I introduced the cage because what if that made it worse. I'm mad that he was only a week away from hitting 2 years old. I'm mad that I didn't give him enough love and attention before he passed. I'm mad that I didn't hear his purrs 2 days before he passed. I'm mad that I didn't get videos of him meowing so I could drown out the pitiful cries he made on the way there. I'm mad at the other cats. I don't even feel like I should keep them, or that I even want to. Which makes me feel like a horrible person. I'm mad at myself for not fighting harder. I'm mad that my efforts didn't even make a difference in the outcome. I don't know how to get past this. When my bunny passed away he sat on my chest in the shower while I sobbed. He hated the water but he wanted to comfort me. I don't have that now. I feel alone and like I don't deserve my other pets or even to live. I keep listening for him, I just want to hear him once more. I'd trade anything and everything to have him back. That's literally all I want, I want him back. None of this is fair. He should have lived longer. He should be here right now. I'm struggling to eat. I've been eating a sandwich a day. Half in the morning and half at night. I can't eat more because I'll get sick. I can't sleep. I'm going to bed extremely late and getting up extremely early. We were supposed to go on a 10 day vacation to visit family. I got time off and everything but made the decision to cancel so I could work through this. My parents are extremely angry with me and that just makes things worse. I've just been spiralling, reckless spending, suicidal thoughts, thinking about self harm. I feel like I deserve this pain. Like I should continue to feel this way. And even if I don't deserve it I don't want to stop feeling this way. I want to feel this way and I don't know why or what's wrong with me. I don't know what to do or how to handle this.

 

Im so sorry for your Grizzly and you. You did everything possible for that precious baby. Its been 19 days 2day since I lost my Raj dog. She had health issues from day 1 as well. Im still sad I think Im past the angry stage at this point. I had to make the decision to end her suffering. I prayed that I wouldn't.  It is the final act of love we give our babies I think. But then we begin the suffering.  Time will dull the horrible feelings you have now. We never forget tho.  Sending you ❤️  and strength and peace.  I'm so sorry for your loss. 😔 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Mar22 said:

But then we begin the suffering.

Yes, we trade their suffering for our own.

[Mar22]

I kno. I hope you are doing OK. 

[Mar22]

I'm in bad shape today. I just cant stop crying. I thought happy memories were supposed to cheer me up not make me more sad. It's 21 days today she's gone. It already feels like a lifetime. I don't know if i will ever heal. So sad and depressed today. 😔 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Mar22 said:

I thought happy memories were supposed to cheer me up not make me more sad.

They do...but it takes time to get there, no set period of time, everyone is unique with their grief work, coping mechanism, resilience, etc.  So it can take a while.  Heck, II'd probably even say family placement factors is!  Knowing how unique our grief journey is...

Hang in there!

[Mar22]

Thank you Kayc. This is so very hard as you know. 💔 😢