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Heartbroken


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Three weeks ago today my boyfriend, my daughters father was killed in a car accident. I am still in shock. It still doesn't really feel real. I'm waiting for this numbness to pass, everything hits me after I put my daughter to bed. I don't know what to do or how to deal with anything. I wish I could go back in time, tell him to stay where he was, I wish there was something I could do. This isn't fair. Everyone keeps telling me it's going to get better, but no one seems to know how much worse it's going to get for me before anything gets better. This would have been our fifth Christmas together. I have to try and be strong for my daughter, raise her alone and try and make things as normal as possible but it is so hard. Life is so hard lately.

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First of all I want to say how very sorry I am for your loss. It will be 4 months soon that I watched the love of my life take his last breath. He died from complications after open heart surgery, he was 38, same as me. I was always Mike's girl. So who am I now, when I just want to go on being Mike's girl. We were so close, so inlove. We were together for 4 yrs. I remember only to well how I felt at 3 weeks. I felt like I was in a war zone and there were bullets coming from every wheres and there ammunition where filled with things like dispair, pain, heartache, loneliness, disbelief, shock, just terrible heart shattering things, and I was there only target, and they kept hitting me, tearing into me. I felt like I was in a place where no one spoke the same language as me. I couldn't breathe, I kept having terrible panic attacks. I had nightly nightmares, I couldn't sleep. I cried all the time. I felt homeless, he was my home. Every time I walked some wheres I felt like I was just wandering, with no destination. By about 2 months these feelings start to subside. You still feel the pain but you can breathe a little easier and function a little better. I'll have a good day or 2 and say wow I guess I'm stronger then I thought, then the next day I'll be a wreck again, feeling like that homeless wanderer. I drove myself crazy with should I have taken him to a different hospital, should have i this and that. I still find myself doing that sometimes, but I have to stop myself, it won't change anything, only make you insane. I feel guilty for living, but I know that he would want me to go on enjoying life like he did, but that's hard to do when your heart is broken and you miss them so much. It's crippling at times. I try to "live" some by making plans with my family or his and then It's like I'm standing outside of myself, watching myself trying to 'live' when in side I'm so empty and broken. I want to scream at myself that I hate this, I don't want to make plans that don't include him, I just want to go home and cuddle up with him and watch a movie and then your heart breaks all over again because they're not there and never will be again. Every time I think that one fact I could still go into a panic attack. I still cry myself to sleep every night. But I do promise you that that deep crippling feeling you have right now will lift some. And it will get easier to deal with in some ways and then again harder in others. And then you have the people that call that don't know he is gone asking for him. Or you keep getting his mail. And then there are the insensitive people that say, 'well it's been almost 4 months you should be about ready to move on'. I don't know if I will ever be ready for that. I just want him. I miss him. I only want him. We promised eachother always, and he did give me his always, but what am I supposed to do with my always, it was meant for him. Again I am so sorry for your loss, and yes you have to be strong for your child and you have to help them to always remember their daddy.

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I cannot even begin to imagine what you must be going through. Losing your spouse is such a traumatizing experience, especially when there are young children involved.

I thought I might share a thought from a book I read Leavetaking--When and How to Say Goodbye. It says: "Don't let others dictate how you should act or feel. The grieving process works differently with everyone. Others may think--and let you know what they think-- you are grieving too much or not grieving enough. Forgive them and forget about it. By trying to force yourself into a mold created by others or by society as a whole, you stunt your growth toward restored emotional health".

Since everyone handles grief in different ways, there is no correct way or one that is better than anther. However, the danger comes when stagnation sets in, when the grief-stricken person is unable to become reconciled to the reality of the situation. That is when help from compassionate friends is needed. The Bible says: "A true companion is loving all the time, and is a brother born when there is distress."(Proverbs 17:17) So please do not be afraid to seek help, to talk, and to weep when you need to.

We are here to help you through these tough times.

Kindest Regards,

Ada

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