Expiration on Grief?

[Denise Fog]

My husband (my best friend) passed away 6 years ago. Shortly after that our son, his wife, and my sweet granddaughter moved into my home and stayed for two years. That was wonderful yet I believe, because of those circumstances, I put addressing my grief on hold and feel the genuine need to do so now. I've come across many dead ends in locating a local, in-person group to address my particular circumstance...a spouse who needs to talk to others who are experiencing Grief - even after 6 years. And I was particularly  shocked when a very popular, well-know Grief group in my area (Middletown, NJ) indicated to me that they usually only serve the needs of someone who has lost a spouse within ONLY the past year - not six years out! I could use to talk with others whose spouses have passed away a while ago.

[BohoKat]

I am new to this group but have found many caring souls who have given me a listening ear, solace, and plain good advice. I have read posts from those in grief from days to decades, so you are welcome here. Do not feel strange that you are having this resurgence/emergence of grief. Right now after about a year and a half without my dear husband, there are constant ups and downs and I feel I will grieve him as long as I live. It troubles me to hear of a group restricting membership this way. It makes me wonder if they boot you out after a year?!?! You are probably better off not interacting with them. Good luck in your search for a physical group and meanwhile, I hope you find blessings and comfort here in our little corner of the virtual world 🙂

[Dawn Wms]

So sorry for your loss, Denise.  It has been over two years for me and the grief is as real and hard as is was in the beginning.  In some ways, it is getting worse because people don't "see" it anymore and tend to forget that I am still in mourning.   It's like I lead a double life, the public one where I have to carry on and my private life where I am still breaking down at least once of twice a week.  It has become very lonely because I really don't feel I can talk about to very many people anymore.   As one member said, I will grieve my husband for as long as I live.  There is no expiration date and I think the group who set those limitations ought to know that.  I wish you well.  

[widower2]

11 hours ago, Denise Fog said:

a very popular, well-know Grief group in my area (Middletown, NJ) indicated to me that they usually only serve the needs of someone who has lost a spouse within ONLY the past year - not six years out! I could use to talk with others whose spouses have passed away a while ago.

Wow, that is appallingly insensitive. The only thing I can think is maybe they tend to have a full card and so are trying to address the most immediate need people who just lost someone? Still I can't believe they couldn't squeeze one more in somehow. So sorry to hear that. Hope you can find another group. 

[Lost7]

Welcome to our group, you will find that caring people who are grieving no matter how long they have lost their love is here to listen to you. I am so sorry that the group you refer to have put limits on people's grief. I am lifted you up, May you find some peace.

Lost7 

[Jemiga70]

@Denise Fog   I offer you my condolences.  Maybe you could check Soaring Spirits International?  They are non-denominational, non-profit and have lots of regional groups in the US and Canada.   https://soaringspirits.org/event-regions/

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Denise Fog said:

And I was particularly  shocked when a very popular, well-know Grief group in my area (Middletown, NJ) indicated to me that they usually only serve the needs of someone who has lost a spouse within ONLY the past year - not six years out!

OMG!  I can't believe it!  No, grief knows no expiration date!  The grief counselor on my other site cited a man once who didn't address his grief for 20 years after his fiance died!  By then he was married with kids!  I often wondered what they thought.  But he found himself suddenly grieving and after all those years, had to deal with it.  I'll see if she remembers where that post was.

BTW, it's been 17 years for me since I lost my beloved soulmate and best friend, my husband.  

13 hours ago, Dawn Wms said:

In some ways, it is getting worse because people don't "see" it anymore and tend to forget that I am still in mourning.

Absolutely!  And I've often heard this about the second year, and even into third.  It takes a long while to process our grief, for me a good three years, maybe five...it doesn't follow some prescribed linear pattern, nice and neat like that!  AND we're all different in how we grieve and handle things.

Please, never feel you don't fit, you're one of us, one of the casualties of grief, and as such, no one should ever make you feel you don't fit into some mold.

In addition, it's never too late to contact a grief counselor and schedule some sessions.

I am very sorry for your loss and want to welcome you to our group.  

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[KayC]

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/05/voices-of-experience-delayed-grief.html

[Don-Tony]

Denise fog,

im finding myself getting irritated with this idea that grief should only last so long. I’ve got 29 years on my mom, 22 on my dad and 3 on my little brother and I’m 37. They still hurt. They still creep up on me. And they still kick my butt from time to time. I love them and as long as I love them I will miss them. 
sometimes life gets busy and we can find bough distraction to ignore our pain. But at some point grief will demand that you pay attention and feel it. It’s terrifying years later. It sucks years later. But it sucks no matter what. Look for other people who have walked or are lost on this path. There are a lot of us. Some a few months in and a few that are years down the road. There is no roadmap. No time table. Just finding the ability to love and face what is in front of you. Keep doing what you need to do. 

[Goforth860]

I am sorry for your loss. Whether it was yest or 30 years ago. Grief has no time limit. There is no expiration on Grief. Your life is permanently altered from the way you knew it to be when you lose anyone but let alone a partner. I lost my partner 6 mths ago and these last 6 mths have been excruciatingly painful.  I have lost the only family I knew as my family. His daughter our granddaughter and his mom. Other than that there's no one else. I'm so sorry that you were turned away from a Grief group on acct of a "time limit". I will let you know that by my experience in this group I have been and everyone that has posted before and since my first post (I read a lot of posts before I had the nerve to post) has been welcomed with open arms. You are welcome here. To vent. To ask questions. To post on other ppls posts or write your own posts. We will read respond and comment. We will give our thoughts and perspectives.  Please feel welcome here. And we are here with and for you 

[April Ballou]

On 8/29/2022 at 7:55 AM, Denise Fog said:

My husband (my best friend) passed away 6 years ago. Shortly after that our son, his wife, and my sweet granddaughter moved into my home and stayed for two years. That was wonderful yet I believe, because of those circumstances, I put addressing my grief on hold and feel the genuine need to do so now. I've come across many dead ends in locating a local, in-person group to address my particular circumstance...a spouse who needs to talk to others who are experiencing Grief - even after 6 years. And I was particularly  shocked when a very popular, well-know Grief group in my area (Middletown, NJ) indicated to me that they usually only serve the needs of someone who has lost a spouse within ONLY the past year - not six years out! I could use to talk with others whose spouses have passed away a while ago.

@Denise Fog welcome.  I am sorry for your loss..  Wednesday it twill be  2 years since my husband passed away. I don't understand why the other group you were in said what they did.  You can say what you want here.  Ask questions and read people's posts.  This forum has really helped me.

[SDC]

The number of people who assume my grief is over continues to shock me (my loss, which was sudden after an accident, was in April 2020.)  I met my husband when he was 18 (our first year of college) and he died at 56. I knew him for over 37 years and yet somehow 2+ years after his death I'm supposed to be fine/just like my pre-death self/"over it?"  It's baffling and isolating. Given that, I'm not surprised that a grief group turned you away. It's absurd. The US is woefully behind on grief support and acknowledging that grief doesn't end; it changes, but it's a constant after losing someone in your daily life. 

But keep searching for other in-person groups. If you don't find another one, consider one-on-one counseling. A lot of therapists and counselors work on sliding scales if cost is an issue (something I"m familiar with). Reading posts here, responding, and sharing is helpful. 

[April Ballou]

@SDC I understand what you are talking about.   I saw my husband's mother earlier today and they act like nothing has happened.   I guess for them nothing has changed.   They have always done their thing.  Darrell and I did our thing.  Sometimes we would get together but his mother and step dad are always doing something.   My world will never be the same.  Half of me is gone and is never coming back.  Someone once told me, pretend he's on vacation.  That will never work.  I hate this lonely life.  But I have to keep on.  

[KayC]

Have you tried GriefShare?  A lot of churches also have grief support groups meeting in their facility...not mixed in with their church/beliefs, just allowing them to meet there, you could call around and ask.  Maybe Hospice knows of one also!

[DWS]

17 hours ago, SDC said:

The number of people who assume my grief is over continues to shock me (my loss, which was sudden after an accident, was in April 2020.)  I met my husband when he was 18 (our first year of college) and he died at 56. I knew him for over 37 years and yet somehow 2+ years after his death I'm supposed to be fine/just like my pre-death self/"over it?"  It's baffling and isolating. 

It is baffling and it's something that I've had to spend part of my time with grief and despair examining and processing. At times, I think to myself did I love him too much? Was I too reliant on my partner's company and attention? Was I too attached to him......because there must be some reason why people are so willing to dismiss my loss and sweep it all under the rug with the hope that I've "moved on". 

I've come to the conclusion that it's just total cluelessness and naivety on their part mixed with their want of not thinking about it. There is also our culture's ideology of labelling sadness and grief as negative emotions that we need to eventually get out of. But conversely, these are the predictable, understandable, usual and warranted emotions in these horrible circumstances so in a crazy strange way, they actually could be considered positive during this time. Our love for our person and the life we had with them will dictate when and where grief takes us. 

[William M]

Sounds like the people running that show have no real personal experience with grief. Good riddance to them. Probably couldn't offer you  much anyway.

[CharliesM0m2012]

On 8/30/2022 at 3:20 AM, Lost7 said:

Welcome to our group, you will find that caring people who are grieving no matter how long they have lost their love is here to listen to you. I am so sorry that the group you refer to have put limits on people's grief. I am lifted you up, May you find some peace.

Lost7 

I can’t believe what I’m reading / hearing about an ‘expiration on grief’. - look if you’ve lost a loved one close to you, maybe it’s a partner / spouse, your child, a beloved pet, grief has no timescale or time directive the families of the loved one just have to learn to behave more strongly + I’ll tell you some days the strength just isn’t there, I still have moments where I cry about Charlie.  Don’t let anyone tell you to stop being upset, to stop missing the one who passed, or to stop grieving because we’re all different and we all grieve and express emotion in different ways.   For me I’m good when I’m constantly doing things, I’ve thrown myself right back into an extreme fitness regime because I put so much weight on in lockdown, I was with Charlie all the time I’m glad we had all that time with each other because of the nature  of her illness, in reality she could have passed away a lot younger but she had 9 beautiful years.  

[KayC]

17 hours ago, William M said:

Good riddance to them. Probably couldn't offer you  much anyway.

16 hours ago, CharliesM0m2012 said:

 Don’t let anyone tell you to stop being upset, to stop missing the one who passed, or to stop grieving

Exactly!