Almost a Year, Still Hard, Cold & Bitter

[Guest DarkHeart]

Hi, I'm new here ~ and apprehensive, so forgive my shortcomings & oversights. My mom passed away last year on Black Friday (Nov. 26) about 4 months afterbeing positively diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Knowing her views on death and how she believed that people should have the 'right to die', I suppose in a way it was a good thing that she *checked out*, as she used to call it, so quickly after becoming terminal. It would have been a hundred thousand timesworse for her if her demise went on any longer than it did.

I cannot get that sad, angry, disgusted look she had on her face for the last few weeks of her life out of my mind. It’s like a permanent nightmare.

It makes me want to hate everything. I reside in Florida. My mom & rest of my immediate family live in NJ. Because of unfortunate circumstances, I was only able to visit my mother for about 1 week and that was just 2 weeks before she went into the hospital…and never came out. I wasn’t there when she did; I couldn’t be there, for many reasons. Cowardice is one, but that’s not the reason which causes me regret. I’ll leave it at that for now…

At least she told me during our final telephone conversation that it was enough for her to know that I desperately wanted to be at her side & that it was ok that I wouldn’t be able to make it up to NJ. I miss her terribly. I haven’t cried yet. I’m hard and cold. I have anger, rage…and I LIKE it. It’s helping me ‘get real’, I suppose.

And this whole entry is one big vent, but I’m glad I came across this forum when I did. Just reading the entries of others in this and other categories has at least made me feel that I’m not going completely insane, that my feelings aren’t necessarily ‘abnormal’.

So let me finish this long-winded confessional with an offer to virtually join hands with whomever else needs a silent, healing circle. *...deep breath…holding…exhaling….* It may never stop hurting, but it’ll take a lot more than complicated grief to end me. Be empowered ~ for the sake of the souls of the beloved dead ~ and live on. I believe it is my duty to do this; to do anything else is to dishonor my mother's memory.

[SadRN]

I think certainly we all deal with our grief and loss differently. I have gone from sad, to lost, to angry, to brokenhearted over the past several months. I am thankful as well that my father did not have to suffer long, but selfishly I still want him here. The holidays are coming and I am finding it hard to picture a Christmas without him. I am sorry for your loss. Do you have friends/family that you can talk with? We are here to listen and offer support whenever you need.

Hi, I'm new here ~ and apprehensive, so forgive my shortcomings & oversights. My mom passed away last year on Black Friday (Nov. 26) about 4 months afterbeing positively diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Knowing her views on death and how she believed that people should have the 'right to die', I suppose in a way it was a good thing that she *checked out*, as she used to call it, so quickly after becoming terminal. It would have been a hundred thousand timesworse for her if her demise went on any longer than it did.

I cannot get that sad, angry, disgusted look she had on her face for the last few weeks of her life out of my mind. It’s like a permanent nightmare.

It makes me want to hate everything. I reside in Florida. My mom & rest of my immediate family live in NJ. Because of unfortunate circumstances, I was only able to visit my mother for about 1 week and that was just 2 weeks before she went into the hospital…and never came out. I wasn’t there when she did; I couldn’t be there, for many reasons. Cowardice is one, but that’s not the reason which causes me regret. I’ll leave it at that for now…

At least she told me during our final telephone conversation that it was enough for her to know that I desperately wanted to be at her side & that it was ok that I wouldn’t be able to make it up to NJ. I miss her terribly. I haven’t cried yet. I’m hard and cold. I have anger, rage…and I LIKE it. It’s helping me ‘get real’, I suppose.

And this whole entry is one big vent, but I’m glad I came across this forum when I did. Just reading the entries of others in this and other categories has at least made me feel that I’m not going completely insane, that my feelings aren’t necessarily ‘abnormal’.

So let me finish this long-winded confessional with an offer to virtually join hands with whomever else needs a silent, healing circle. *...deep breath…holding…exhaling….* It may never stop hurting, but it’ll take a lot more than complicated grief to end me. Be empowered ~ for the sake of the souls of the beloved dead ~ and live on. I believe it is my duty to do this; to do anything else is to dishonor my mother's memory.

[Guest DarkHeart]

Hi SadRN, thank you so much for your comment, I do appreciate it. I talk with my sisters a few times a month via telephone, but I haven't talked about how our mom's death is affecting me yet. I may never do this, but time will tell. I most likely need professional counselling first, and that's a money matter, unfortunately. Still, I feel better for posting here and I feel for you, too. I didn't like this holiday season to begin with; having to go through it missing a parent, or any other traumatic loss for that matter, is just a horrid nightmare, but my thoughts are with you.

[ada33r]

I agree with SadRN, we all deal with a loss differently, but I do think that talking about how you are feeling is a powerful outlet and can provide much needed relief. This forum will help you in that regard since writing down your feelings is the same as talking about them. If you feel like you might need to talk to a professional at some point but can't because of money, why don't you also try to start a journal? Write how you are feeling, write TO your mom and tell her how you feel.This will help you move on even if you don't think you might need to move on.

There is also no correct way to grieve, some may move on with relative ease others may not but ultimately there is no "deadline" in which you should feel better. I don't know if you are a Bible reader, but If you feel that you might need to hear some encouraging words, you can also turn to the Bible. Perhaps you might feel like Jacob, when he found out that his son Joseph had died, "he kept refusing to take comfort". (Genesis 37:35) But remember that "Jehovah is near to those that are broken at heart". (Psalm 34:18) Also, "throw your burden upon Jehovah himself, and he himself will sustain you." (Psalm 55:22) One way to do that is through prayer, it is what has helped me the most during difficult times and to thank God for the good times too.

My heart goes out to you DarkHeart, that this may be a source of help and comfort to you. Much hugs I send to you....Ada

[Guest DarkHeart]

I agree with SadRN, we all deal with a loss differently, but I do think that talking about how you are feeling is a powerful outlet and can provide much needed relief. This forum will help you in that regard since writing down your feelings is the same as talking about them. If you feel like you might need to talk to a professional at some point but can't because of money, why don't you also try to start a journal? Write how you are feeling, write TO your mom and tell her how you feel.This will help you move on even if you don't think you might need to move on.

There is also no correct way to grieve, some may move on with relative ease others may not but ultimately there is no "deadline" in which you should feel better. I don't know if you are a Bible reader, but If you feel that you might need to hear some encouraging words, you can also turn to the Bible. Perhaps you might feel like Jacob, when he found out that his son Joseph had died, "he kept refusing to take comfort". (Genesis 37:35) But remember that "Jehovah is near to those that are broken at heart". (Psalm 34:18) Also, "throw your burden upon Jehovah himself, and he himself will sustain you." (Psalm 55:22) One way to do that is through prayer, it is what has helped me the most during difficult times and to thank God for the good times too.

My heart goes out to you DarkHeart, that this may be a source of help and comfort to you. Much hugs I send to you....Ada

Thanks for your comment, Ada. I like the idea of writing *to* my mother, that sounds like something that will aid me in my journey through grief. Very nice of you to share that concept with me, I appreciate it.

[tmeredith]

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. The loss of a parent is very hard and lung cancer is a very tough disease. My mom battled it for years. I am also sorry that you did not get to be with your mom as much as you had wanted those last months. That is so difficult. It sounds like your mom knew you wanted to be there and felt that connection with you.

I have gone through different phases of grief (and probably still will). I have been numb, incredibly sad, very angry and at times okay. Talking for me helps. I don't have a lot of people to who really get it to talk with so I come here to "talk" and discuss it with a few friends who have recently lost their moms. Our area has a number of grief support groups although I have never tried one...probably only because I have found the other outlets I mentioned. You might call your local Hospice organizations and look around for other listings of a group near you if that sounds of interest. The groups around here are all free. Please take it easy. I know holidays are hard but I hope you have some support and someone you enjoy to spend them with even it is not with your family in NJ. Take care.

[Guest DarkHeart]

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. The loss of a parent is very hard and lung cancer is a very tough disease. My mom battled it for years. I am also sorry that you did not get to be with your mom as much as you had wanted those last months. That is so difficult. It sounds like your mom knew you wanted to be there and felt that connection with you.

I have gone through different phases of grief (and probably still will). I have been numb, incredibly sad, very angry and at times okay. Talking for me helps. I don't have a lot of people to who really get it to talk with so I come here to "talk" and discuss it with a few friends who have recently lost their moms. Our area has a number of grief support groups although I have never tried one...probably only because I have found the other outlets I mentioned. You might call your local Hospice organizations and look around for other listings of a group near you if that sounds of interest. The groups around here are all free. Please take it easy. I know holidays are hard but I hope you have some support and someone you enjoy to spend them with even it is not with your family in NJ. Take care.

Hi terra, thank you so much for your reply, it means quite a lot. And I agree with you that talking helps (I suppose it does for us two, anyway) which is a good thing. I wish you a peaceful and pleasant holiday season also, as well as can be expected. Things will get better, surely they will. Thanks again.