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My Story...


rose20

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Hello all,

This is a new place for me and I don't know any of you but here it goes...

I was blessed at the age of 19 with a beautiful healthy 7lbs and 15 1/2 oz baby boy. At that time I had a 13 month baby girl at home. Yes, I was a young mother and life was real hard starting out. My son grew up being the "little man" of the house when daddy was away. He was very protective of me and he went with me every where I went. His grandma use to call him my "bodyguard."

My husband is 6' 7" tall and so my son always wanted to reach the height of his daddy. He would always put his hand in his daddy's hand and measure hands to see if his was getting as big as his daddy's.

My son was a very content baby the moment I brought him home from the hospital. The best baby I ever seen. You would never know he was around except when he was hungry because he loved to eat, and that stayed with him, we would call him "the bottomless pit."

He loved my cooking especially. Oh he liked to eat fast foods but if he had a choice it was my cooking every time.

His love was basketball! He had dreams of being a professional player some day. He also had a respect for church and a love for God.

This boy would hold the door open for you and was so respectful to everyone and most of all so very thoughtful.

I could turn on the vacuum cleaner to vacuum the living room and if he would hear that vacuum out he would come from his room and say, "what do you think you're doing?" And then he would want to do the vacuuming.

What boy would go and do dishes without being told?? He did.

He could never hold a grudge and was most forgiving.

God blessed our little family with another son and baby daughter. My son was 14 years old when my second son was born and 17 (almost 18) when my baby daughter was born.

I had two boys and two girls!!

Our family was complete!!

My son graduated high school, he grew to be 6' 4", got his first job at Walmart unloading trucks. He just worked there a year and they made him a manager in the back and gave him his own set of keys to the entire store. What 19 year old could be trusted with the keys of a whole store? But my son was trustworthy and honest.

In November 1999 we got word that my husband's mom was found in her apartment after 3 days of laying there on her floor. We were in shock. My son was one of the pall bearers at her funeral. My son was her favorite grandson.

We were still in the grief process of her death when the year 2000 rolled in and the month of February 27 came.

My son had just bought his first used car. He had just got his license at the end of age 19. He always had a bit of a fear of driving because when he was only 8 years old we were in a terrible car accident. January 2000 my son just turned 20 years old and then February came.

On February 27, on a Sunday,at around 10pm, my son was taking my nephew home one dark night on an old unfamiliar back road. This road had no lighting and my son's eyes were bad. He had just went to the eye doctor's and was to get his contacts that Friday.

He didn't see that road curved to the left and so he kept going straight and the car hit a ditch and took the car air born and landed at an old ugly tree that it hit into.

The steering wheel crushed into my son's chest.

My nephew in the back seat suffered injuries and the boy in the passenger seat only minor injuries but my son was gone. Just like that.

My nephew had to have emergency surgery and lost one kidney but survived.

I got a call that night after 11pm saying my nephew was in a bad car accident and was at the hospital. I did not know my son was involved at that time. So we rushed to the hospital and as I entered the entrance doors there were family members there and even my pastor all saying, "I'm sorry." and then it hit me, they were talking of my son. I collapsed to the floor.

My dear boy. My firstborn son gone in an instant. Vanished away from my touch.

No drugs or alcohol involved, as my son did not do these things, no speeding, just a boy who could not see well on an old unlit road.

Walmart's store manager spoke at the funeral and Walmart paid for everything.

I stayed in a state of shock for a few years. It was all too unbelievable. How can you have a child one minute and the next he's just totally gone. Too hard for my mind to grasp.

If it were not for my two youngest children, my second son was then 5 and my baby girl only 2 years old, I don't know where I would be today.

It goes without saying that God has been my strength. When I could not get myself off the floor it was God who gave me the needed strength to get up and face another day.

I learned to live one day at a time.

Thinking back breaks my heart still and thinking ahead is unbearable to think about all the time that is passing without my boy here, so it is only the day I am in that I have learned to cope in.

I did a lot of journaling, that helped, and I still do.

I also planted flowers and bushes around the house, seemed like working in the dirt, just planting things helped. I began to quilt. Just finding things to stay busy.

Here it is 2011. Is it any easier? No! How can it be when he is not here. When I see my youngest son now who is growing so tall and looks so much like his brother it hurts so deeply still, but I have learned to cope.

I also learned to not go by grief books that give time limits on everything because if you compare yourself to that you feel like something is wrong with you if you are still grieving past what they say.

Everyone is different. Every child is unique. There are no time tables on grief. Never be ashamed of your grief. This is your child and you must grieve in your own way.

This will stay with me until God calls me Home. There is no "getting over it" this is not a sickness or a common cold to get over. But you do learn to cope. You do learn what works for you. And belonging to a grief support group can help. Surrounding yourself with others who really do know how you feel and really care to know how you feel and who really understands this pain.

Forgive me for the length of this post.

If you all could post here your personal loss I would appreciate it so I can know you and your child.

May God bless all who are walking this road.

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Dear Rose,

Your letter was very moving. I read it with tears in my eyes. I'm so sorry for your loss. I have been a member here now for a month or two, but I haven't posted yet, since I'm not really comfortable just popping into the thread that everyone posts on here "loss of an adult child". I just wanted you to know that people do care, and feel the same way, we will never get over our loss. It affects every aspect of our lives. If you don't get many responses, it is only because most members only get updates from the "adult child" thread. They are really a caring group. Kathy

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Dear Rose - I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your beautiful son. It is heartbreaking to lose a

child, life-altering for sure. Our story is different from yours, but still the same outcome.

My daughter, Sarah, was diagnosed with leukemia on September 24, 2009. She was 28 at the

time, a school teacher, and engaged to be married. Her doctors started chemo right away and

she went into remission a month later, but it was determined she would need a bone marrow

transplant. Her sister (our only other child) was not a match and there was no match found for

her on the International Bone Marrow Registry, so they planned a cord blood transplant. Well,

without going into all the details of everything that went wrong, Sarah's leukemia relapsed and

she died from complications of the leukemia 3 months later. She and her fiance were married

in the hospital instead of St. Lucia where their wedding was planned. She battled the disease

for 11 months from the time she was diagnosed until she died, which was August 18, 2010.

My life will never be the same, as you know, and God does show His mercy by getting us through

each day...but it is certainly not easy, is it? My prayers to you and your family, Rose.

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Hi Rose,

I also know what it's like to lose my firstborn and find out that my world has been forever changed in a cold Emergency Room. My 5 year old daughter, Charlotte, drowned in a swimming pool on July 6th. I can't go into the story until all legal processes are done but I was working that day and on the way to the home. When I arrived, there were police all over the place. When I got out of the car, they walked up and said, "Are you mom?" I knew then it was one of my children and it wasn't good. We got a ride from the police chaplin down to the hospital she was airlifted too. On the way there, we called and were informed that she had a pulse. We prayed and prayed and called everyone we could think of to ask them to pray. When we got there, they put us in the special family room and a little while later, the ER team came in to tell us she was gone. My world as I knew it crumbled. She was a light in the world and the light of our family. She was special and everyone who knew her, loved her. I too, believe that I will survive because of my other children, Julia is just 3.5 and William who was only 5 months old the day of the accident. I can't figure out why this happened and I guess I'll never get to know why. All I know is that I loved her with my whole heart and now I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other and live for my children and my husband. I have horrible guilt - I shouldn't have let them go that day. I also think about every decision I've made leading up to July 6th that somehow put her in that pool. My husband also feels great guilt for he was there but had walked away for a moment to care for my son. But the blame rests squarely on someone who made a dumb decision that day at the pool. So I have great anger too. I suppose someday I'll have to forgive the person that did this but I won't push myslef. Like you said, Rose, it's not something to get over or put behind you. Someone at our Compassionate Friends meeting that is farther down the road on this terrible journey said, "At first it feels like a boulder on your back. But eventually it becomes the rock you carry with you in your pocket forever." I'm still in the boulder stage but I do have some glimmer of hope that someday it will be the rock I carry in my pocket. Thanks for sharing your story Rose. It does help to not feel quite so lonely in the world.

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Sarah's Brokenhearted Mom:

Thank you for sharing with me. I know it is not easy to do, I still struggle when I tell of my son.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter.

You just went through the first year so you had to endure all of the 'firsts' without her. I remember that first year, having to face the first birthday, the first thanksgiving and Christmas, etc.My heart breaks for you.

You are right life will never be the same, it is all so different. I remember relatives had come over to visit and were laughing and after they had left my 5 year old son at that time said, "they laugh on the outside and the inside, we laugh on the outside but cry on the inside." How true that was. If I tell you that in time you will be back to normal that would be a lie, but in time there will be a new normal, but never easy.

Just like this Thanksgiving I want my son here with us, it doesn't matter how many thanksgivings come and go and I cringe when someone feels so heartbroken because they can't spend the holiday with someone that lives in another state. It is those times I have to go to God again and again, I do not want my heart to become bitter. I just want to say just be thankful that they are only a phone call away.

I will be saying a prayer for you.

My brother was just diagnosed August 2010 with stage 4 esophageal cancer. He is inoperable. They gave him a few months to live but he is still with us 15 months later. He's going through the chemo and suffering.

Dear Rose - I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your beautiful son. It is heartbreaking to lose a

child, life-altering for sure. Our story is different from yours, but still the same outcome.

My daughter, Sarah, was diagnosed with leukemia on September 24, 2009. She was 28 at the

time, a school teacher, and engaged to be married. Her doctors started chemo right away and

she went into remission a month later, but it was determined she would need a bone marrow

transplant. Her sister (our only other child) was not a match and there was no match found for

her on the International Bone Marrow Registry, so they planned a cord blood transplant. Well,

without going into all the details of everything that went wrong, Sarah's leukemia relapsed and

she died from complications of the leukemia 3 months later. She and her fiance were married

in the hospital instead of St. Lucia where their wedding was planned. She battled the disease

for 11 months from the time she was diagnosed until she died, which was August 18, 2010.

My life will never be the same, as you know, and God does show His mercy by getting us through

each day...but it is certainly not easy, is it? My prayers to you and your family, Rose.

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Char's mom,

How horrible for you to go through this so very young yourself with such little ones. It is hard to try and be that mommy that your kids need when you are so broken up inside. But truly having young ones still at home is in a way a blessing because they do pull you out of that darkness that so wants to take you under.

I understand guilt, it is awful to carry this horrific grief but to also carry the guilt is more than one can take. I had to surrender that guilt to God and I still do because being the mom that I am I still let that guilt creep up at times. Mom's are the protectors, mom's should know things, mom's are the ones that makes things right again and when you can't you feel so less of a mom. I do understand and God understands our pain and our anger. I like your statement, "At first it feels like a boulder on your back. But eventually it becomes the rock you carry with you in your pocket forever." How true that is but there are those moments it still, very much, feels like that boulder again.

My prayers are with you and your family and please know you are never alone.

Thank you for sharing I know it is not easy.

Hi Rose,

I also know what it's like to lose my firstborn and find out that my world has been forever changed in a cold Emergency Room. My 5 year old daughter, Charlotte, drowned in a swimming pool on July 6th. I can't go into the story until all legal processes are done but I was working that day and on the way to the home. When I arrived, there were police all over the place. When I got out of the car, they walked up and said, "Are you mom?" I knew then it was one of my children and it wasn't good. We got a ride from the police chaplin down to the hospital she was airlifted too. On the way there, we called and were informed that she had a pulse. We prayed and prayed and called everyone we could think of to ask them to pray. When we got there, they put us in the special family room and a little while later, the ER team came in to tell us she was gone. My world as I knew it crumbled. She was a light in the world and the light of our family. She was special and everyone who knew her, loved her. I too, believe that I will survive because of my other children, Julia is just 3.5 and William who was only 5 months old the day of the accident. I can't figure out why this happened and I guess I'll never get to know why. All I know is that I loved her with my whole heart and now I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other and live for my children and my husband. I have horrible guilt - I shouldn't have let them go that day. I also think about every decision I've made leading up to July 6th that somehow put her in that pool. My husband also feels great guilt for he was there but had walked away for a moment to care for my son. But the blame rests squarely on someone who made a dumb decision that day at the pool. So I have great anger too. I suppose someday I'll have to forgive the person that did this but I won't push myslef. Like you said, Rose, it's not something to get over or put behind you. Someone at our Compassionate Friends meeting that is farther down the road on this terrible journey said, "At first it feels like a boulder on your back. But eventually it becomes the rock you carry with you in your pocket forever." I'm still in the boulder stage but I do have some glimmer of hope that someday it will be the rock I carry in my pocket. Thanks for sharing your story Rose. It does help to not feel quite so lonely in the world.

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Dear Rose,

Your letter was very moving. I read it with tears in my eyes. I'm so sorry for your loss. I have been a member here now for a month or two, but I haven't posted yet, since I'm not really comfortable just popping into the thread that everyone posts on here "loss of an adult child". I just wanted you to know that people do care, and feel the same way, we will never get over our loss. It affects every aspect of our lives. If you don't get many responses, it is only because most members only get updates from the "adult child" thread. They are really a caring group. Kathy

Thank you Kathy for your kind words, and I am so very sorry for your loss.

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