I hope I can forget the pain

[alyyy]

My dad passed away 2 months ago. I can still remember that day - every moment, every feeling. I can't forget his face when he died. His lifeless body, in front of me. His eyes were open but he's not breathing. He's just gone. 

I knew he was dying when we found out he had cancer. But you can never be prepared to lose someone. Even if you knew, even if you had time to say goodbye. It's not easy especially if the one you'll lose is someone who is full of life. I can still hear his loud voice and his laugh and it's difficult to accept that I won't see him when I wake up or say good night to him before I sleep. 

2 years ago, I resigned from my job and moved back to our family home to take care of my dad. Now that he's gone, I feel like I don't have a purpose anymore. 

It's hard to do anything. Even the smallest task. I  just can't. I'm just empty. My heart is empty. I don't see the point in even trying to get my life back on track. I'm trying my best but I don't think I'm ready for a new job or even socialize. I just wish I could talk to someone / people who can understand / help me understand what I'm going through... 

I really don't think when you lose someone you love, you can fully move on but I just hope one day, when I think of my dad, it's just beautiful memories. I hope I can forget the pain. 

[Kazuko]

Hello alyyy

oh my goodness I feel your pain… 🥲.. please know I’m sending you a big hug 🤗 my mother passed away April 10, 2021…

it feels like yesterday. yes as it does say on this website after one year it does get better it’s like waves now it hits me sometimes when I expect it sometimes when I don’t expect it. the good thing is now I don’t remember just that day she died I’m starting to remember happy times times when we shared special moments together. yes I was like you in the beginning all I could remember was it 2 years of her pain dealing with the cancer the ups in the down….especially the day she died here at home on hospice it is some thing that I never thought I would ever go through in my whole life. 

yes I knew she was going to die because she had a stage four cancer and she was being treated with Keytruda to prolong her life ….she was doing so well and that’s when it caught me off guard. It was just after the holidays usually January is a busy month for me trying to recoup after big family dinner here at my house so on February 3rd…..I was not prepared it was a day that was supposed to be for filled with joy and happiness taking her to her favorite grocery store and then out for a hamburger at foster freeze sitting in our car because of Covid and having our delicious hamburger. however,  we were unable to do that because she fell from a bench in my room and broke her hip and then everything went downhill after that  

I am still dealing with the guilt from this because when she walked into my room and asked me to help her with her new mask that I bought her to protect her from Covid I asked her to sit on my bench in my room which she had done many times safely. I did not know at that time her liver was acting up and the toxins went to her brain and she must have got dizzy and slept from the bench which was only 2 feet high off the floor. if I could turn back the clock I would’ve stopped what I was doing and helped her sit on the bench.

I know deep inside it was not my fault I know that deep inside myself that I could not change her fate. I try now to remember all the blessings that God gave us all the pain that she did not have to suffer with all the time we were able to spend together. I know it’s still hard I miss her every day I cry every day.

I want you to know that I am better than I was a year ago. the pain I know it will never go away ….but I am able now to move forward better and enjoy my life.

For me I purchased a puppy which has brought me much joy because now I have someone to take care of someone that gives me love back this house because my mom is no longer here for me to take care of and I’m a big caretaker so taking care of a little puppy helps me. I’m not sure if that’s possible for you but if it is trust me it really does help.

come here anytime share your feelings.       I have more to share. Take care of yourself try to be good to yourself. I know it’s hard very hard coming here reading other peoples stories makes me feel close to my mom because I know other people are out there and I’m not alone.  We are here for you  

 

 

 

[alyyy]

Thank you so much for sharing @KazukoI'm glad you are now feeling better and moving forward in life. 

You know, I also feel guilt. My dad had a stroke last year, May 2021. My mom and I were focused on his physical and speech therapy. We wanted him to walk again. Sometimes he coughs but we just give him medicine. It usually goes away after a few days. Little did we know that he's got lung cancer. We found out when it's too late, stage 4. I really think we could have prevented his cancer if we didn't assume that his coughs were just the normal ones. Although, his doctors said the cancer could have been in his body for a long time prior to his stroke and I should not blame myself but I can't help but wonder what if, you know? 

I just keep telling myself over and over again that it's not my fault and after reading your story, you should too. We only want whats best for our parents. It's just their time to go. In a way, I'm thankful as well that my dad is not suffering anymore and is now at peace. 

I know that my dad's passing is so recent and I should give myself time to grieve but I feel so sad and helpless and useless at this moment. I hope I can get to where you are right now.

As for your suggestion of getting a pet, I don't think I can handle that right now I'm starting to do a little bit of gardening though... 

Thanks again for sharing!