The essence of him

[Goforth860]

I lay here. I'll watch TV or listen to my I ❤ or in total silence and I can see him. I can hear him. I know what would be coming out of his mouth. I know what he'd be doing. What I'd be doing. Now I know nothing. I'm kinda at a loss for words. 

[April Ballou]

It's hard no matter how you look at it.  Darrell used to tell me, if something happens to me keep living your life.  As much as I hate being alone I'm living my life.  

[Lost7]

April that is what we said to each other.... easier said than done! Goforth860 I know it's lonely I feel your pain...keep trying.

Lost7 

 

[Brazil Man]

On 8/10/2022 at 6:10 PM, Goforth860 said:

Now I know nothing. I'm kinda at a loss for words. 

Me too.

[KK21]

I am new to this site.  My son recommended it.  I know how hard it is to just be and then to do.  My husband died 1 yr and 2 wks ago after a very wonderful 50 years.          i'd  spend a day here and there and sometimes 2 or 3 just in bed.  Maybe you could have conversations with him about what you could or would  be doing?? You've had so many losses in your life and family.  I wish you well and peace.  The doing part is very hard but one task at a time...and that might be just getting out of bed for even one thing.  

[April Ballou]

@KK21  Hello and welcome.   Sorry to hear about your husband.  This forum is very helpful.  You can post whatever you like and we will read it.  You can read any post, comment or whatever you like.  We all here have lost someone special in our lives.  None of us will ever have the same life.  I have been on this site over a year.  It has really helped me.

[Goforth860]

@KK21 I am sorry about your loss. This is a grear site. Im glad your son recommended it. This forum has helpex me tremendously.  Please continue to read ad post because we are all here to support one another in this trying time of our lives. It is so hard to just get out of the bed. I will try to do that and see if me telling him what i am planning to do or want to do today or in a specific time limit will help me complete something.  I appreciate your words abd welcome 🙏 🤗 

[Sue C]

I'm new here. But, it's clear that you all know how I feel. Can't believe I'm actually reaching out like this. 5 months ago the love of my life had a massive heart attack in our kitchen after a perfectly normal day, and I couldn't save him. It's still not real. The fact that you all feel the same way breaks my heart. The abnormal is normal now, and it sucks

I hope to chat here.

[KK21]

I love the title of this theme.  The essence of him.  I never see him or hear his voice or dream of him.  I wish I could--but I feel him.  His hand guiding us through a crowd or tapping my shoulder to dance as dinner cooks or all the way back in our twin bed we started in with 50 years ago--we must have liked each other 'cause the twin bed stayed with us for 3 yrs in Midwest summers with no AC.  But things are better.  I've sold our house and now live in an appt.  It is near my son and his family.  It was just too big...3 bedrooms, office, great room, huge backyard.  Way too much for just me. 

GoForth--I thought I was just fine but I was in caregiver mode.  It hit hard one day on the expressway in rush hour.  Hadn't cried for years but it just came in a torrent.  Totally unexpected.  I hope that conversations or having a conversation with yourself will help.  I have found I just do tasks or talk with myself with the tears.  If I didn't i would not do anything.  People have been so very nice..in check out lines, at donation centers I've taken things to, at the post office.  And friends who have become family near me over the years and sometimes new.  My neighbor lost her spouse a year before me.  I didn't realize just how devastating her loss was.  I do now.  I have tried to alert people to not waste hugs and love because you will have memories but you will lose the physical essence of your loved one.  I think they are tired of hearing it but let me talk.  I am back in a twin bed now but it is clearly not the same.  I wish someone had pointed that out to me when he was so ill but we only had 5 wks.  I would have done  things so very differently but can't change the past.  I talk to him or think thoughts to him alot.  I'm going to try to hear him now, too.  I know my thoughts can't stay in our twin bed but sometimes they just do.  It's a comfort. 

[Brazil Man]

1 hour ago, Sue C said:

The abnormal is normal now

Wise words.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, KK21 said:

My husband died 1 yr and 2 wks ago after a very wonderful 50 years

My heart goes out to you in your loss, I am so sorry...after 50 years together it has to be hard.  That's how long it was for my sister too.  She missed the littlest of things...his turning off her bedroom light at night so she wouldn't have to get up and possibly fall getting back into bed.  It's those little kindnesses.  His being there for her every day when she was in rehab, even when she told him he didn't need to be.  There is not a day goes by but what we miss him. 
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Sue C said:

5 months ago the love of my life had a massive heart attack in our kitchen after a perfectly normal day, and I couldn't save him. It's still not real.

I am so sorry for your loss...iit is near this time that is one of the hardest times as the shock wears off and people go home and reality sets in...for this reason, I hope you'll consider these articles and hang onto the "Tips" article I give you, it's made to save/print, and check once in a while on your journey as it does evolve and what hits you one day will be different a few months or years from now.

Six Month Mark
Six Month Mark

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

3 hours ago, KK21 said:

 I've sold our house and now live in an appt.  It is near my son and his family.  It was just too big...3 bedrooms, office, great room, huge backyard.  Way too much for just me. 

I'm so glad...I'm turning 70 soon and I'm feeling the burden but no help for moving from a place I've lived for 45 years where everyone went off and left me with all their stuff.  So I tough it out, through snow, through fires.  I think you'll be glad you took this step.  

[KK21]

There's a song lyric  "Without you, I'm not me"   Boy, is that true.  I did have friends to help but mostly it was me going thru things.  I knew I would have to do it after he died and again when I moved so I just sort of combined the two.  I certainly could not get rid of everything but the more I decided it stays or goes the easier it got for me.  I do have a storage unit and maybe getting one so there is a place for items to go you just cannot part with may be a help to get you started.  In that, I was lucky as we had already downsized from a 3 story house to our no stairs/one story house 6 years before.  We had lived in our other house 30 years so...its a lot of memories.  And physical work.  Please take care and take your time.  I had things ready to donate that I just couldn't do it.  They are in storage and other things that I tried to find another space for and thought "No one wants to see that picture again!!" and out it went.  Please take care.  It's so nice to talk with folks going through this.  You can talk with friends but you can sometimes see it in their eyes--get on with it. Well, I am doing the best and only way I know.  We did talk about it and we both said the other should get on with a life full of family and friends, etc.  I'm sure we also did not know how grief would be so ever present.  Be well and kind and forgiving to yourself.  

[Sue C]

Thank you. Different emotions day to day. I’m back to work, and have a great support system there because we worked together at the same company, right next to each other. He was a big deal at our company, and there was a global announcement when he passed, with counseling for people we worked with because of the shock. 
Returning to work has been good because it simply got me out of bed and dressed. I just can’t believe this is my life now, you know?

thanks again ,

sue

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Sue C said:

He was a big deal at our company, and there was a global announcement when he passed, with counseling for people we worked with because of the shock.

Wow, sounds impressive!  My husband's job didn't even send a card, let alone someone to his funeral.  But there were coworkers that came.  Two months later, someone in his 40s died....they discovered it when they went to his home to deliver his "being fired for not showing up to work."  Wow, I hope they felt like heels.  Your husband must have been a big deal at work!

9 hours ago, Sue C said:

Returning to work has been good because it simply got me out of bed and dressed.

I see that my job was a lifesaver when George died, that lasted a whiile, but then the company folded...recession.