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Losing Friends after your partner dies


DoodleGigi

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So, I don't get it. I lost my husband suddenly on 1.4.11. I was immediately surrounded by a million friends and family. So many people went to extremes to help me though the most horrific time in my life. While I'll admit it's been a blur and I was mostly in a fog for the first few months. I got on with my life, went back to work after less than 2 weeks, took care of my kids, started processing the loss and moving forward. While most of my friends have remained just that, my friends, there are a couple that have almost completely abdoned me. Now I'm struggling to figure out why!? I'm coming up on some major milestones, and reflecting back I can't seem to figure out why these few key people have left my life. One in particular is a person I work with. She was there for me from the first moment. After about 5 months she literally stopped talking to me. I thought she was uncomfortable maybe because I started dating. I see her everyday at work and it's become quite painful for me to not understand why or what I did to derserve this? I come to find out that she's pregnant and while we chit chat at work and deal with throwing another co-worker her baby shower she has yet to tell me she's pregnant (which has now become obvious). Someone at work even asked me last week if I would be throwing her a baby shower and I had to admit I wasn't even told until that moment she was pregnant. What gives? Do I write her a candid letter asking or do I just leave it alone and try to grow thicker skin?

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So, I don't get it. I lost my husband suddenly on 1.4.11. I was immediately surrounded by a million friends and family. So many people went to extremes to help me though the most horrific time in my life. While I'll admit it's been a blur and I was mostly in a fog for the first few months. I got on with my life, went back to work after less than 2 weeks, took care of my kids, started processing the loss and moving forward. While most of my friends have remained just that, my friends, there are a couple that have almost completely abdoned me. Now I'm struggling to figure out why!? I'm coming up on some major milestones, and reflecting back I can't seem to figure out why these few key people have left my life. One in particular is a person I work with. She was there for me from the first moment. After about 5 months she literally stopped talking to me. I thought she was uncomfortable maybe because I started dating. I see her everyday at work and it's become quite painful for me to not understand why or what I did to derserve this? I come to find out that she's pregnant and while we chit chat at work and deal with throwing another co-worker her baby shower she has yet to tell me she's pregnant (which has now become obvious). Someone at work even asked me last week if I would be throwing her a baby shower and I had to admit I wasn't even told until that moment she was pregnant. What gives? Do I write her a candid letter asking or do I just leave it alone and try to grow thicker skin?

Maybe you should ask her if you've done something to offend her? Maybe it has nothing to do with your loss, but instead is something to do with work. Open communication is often the best way to deal with these kinds of issues. Start with something positive, like congratulating her on her pregnancy or inquiring after her health. She may be so focused on her upcoming experience, that she doesn't realize you valued and treasured her friendship and support.

So, would you be comfortable asking her to share a lunch or go out for dinner after work?

ModKonnie

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Sounds familiar to my situation. Debra and I were a team, a couple and some folks are not sure about what level of support or contact is okay. I am still in the same home and can be seen alot by the same aquaintenances on a daily basis, but it is different. I do have a dear friend who lost her Husband of 47 years last year and I lost Debra this year and we are able to get together and talk about the same things. We talk about how to get along and help each other take care of our homes. I do watch how she is handling things and sort of get an idea of "what is next" for me. She is now gradually getting rid of certain items and readying the home for sale. But, in her case they had alot of friends and they are still around but she does not go to alot of activities since they used to go in tandem and that made it more enjoyable. For me, I am not interested in going to many places whereby I have to leave My Wife's Husky at home. I enjoy being around the home and caring for him and since I work we see other at nite and on the weekends. He was affected by Debra's passing and it is most recently he is "liking" me. Maybe I do not get out nor do I care about getting out into new or old venue's to meet and greet. We were a couple and people maybe liked us as a couple and not as individuals. We keyed off of each other and now I am back to being solo and maybe I am not what I was 20 years ago; could be another chapter in my life that requires being solo and introspect. But, all in all, I think the few true friends are still at my side, albeit, not as much face to face time as email time. In my situation I do miss the comaraderie with Debra and we are still married, in my heart, so this time alone is good for us as this is part of Life. I do hope it sorts itself out for you. Wish you the best.

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