My Friend Murdered My Unborn Child

[Letting_Go]

I just wanted a place to tell my story, because I have done enough therapy to remember all the trauma, work though the events, and I have been trying my best to move on with my life. Getting this out here will hopefully give me closure and not feel like the skeleton in my closet, because none of this is my fault; I should not feel any guilt or shame for what happened to me. 

When I was pregnant with my first child (it abut two months along) when my roommate who I did not have a relationship with drugged me, sexually assaulted me, psychically assaulted, and tried to impregnate me with his child. He tried and the reason the pregnancy didn't take is, because I was already with child the father was my boyfriend (at the time). The combination of the drug and both assaults caused my baby to start the process of miscarrying that night. I was extremely weak the next morning and in shock I had no clue what had happened or what was currently happening to me. The only thing that was available to numb the pain was a bottle of whisky. I drank and drank. It wasn't until after healing, I now understand that I was not responsible for killing my baby; when I was drinking it was after the baby was already in process of leaving my body. I passed the child alone in my bathroom. It took hours and I thought I was going to die, because once the baby passed my body went into a cold shock and began to shut down. To this day, I don't know how I was able to go through all of this on my own without doctors; but it did. There is no justice that the courts can bring me and there is no amount of money that could ever replace that unborn child. I have made a good life for myself and I swore that he could never take from me ever again, but I was wrong. I never ever want to go through another pregnancy again, but there are so many wonderful children out there that do not have parents/family's and someday I hope to adopt one or more.   

If you have gone through something similar - I hope that my story lets you know you are not alone and I wish you all the strength and compassion on your healing journey.   

I will never be back to read any replies, but please feel free to share your story and/or never look back. I have found if I am constantly looking back I can never persist in moving forward.

[reader]

(((hugs))) Thank you Letting Go. 

[Letting_Go]

I find myself looking back again and reading how I will never be back again, but something has reminded me of this place today. It's because I have recently lost sight of my healing and what I was healing for. I look back on the past version of myself that wrote those words and I see her courage. Recently, I found what I was searching for, unconditional love which has made all the pain and suffering worth something. I have learned so much about myself and how to find peace. I have learned to live without, but the pain is still trapped in my body. That day, I thought the only person in this world that could ever love me unconditionally died that day. A life without love is no life at all. I felt for the first time how truly unloved and alone I was in this world. The sparkle of learning to love myself only got me so far, but I never gave up hope. I knew that someday, I would find someone who loves me unconditionally. I had no idea when they were going to enter my life, but I knew that I was going to be the most amazing, loving, and successful individual who can love just for the love of love. All in the hopes that they too would unconditionally love me back. So, I suffered and it made the pain mean something and it gave me the fire in my heart to suffer. I found my soulmate. They are so gentle, kind, and supportive of my mental health. I have everything I ever wanted. I find myself once again asking, "What is it going to take to make me suffer, let the pain be real, and to not run away?". There is nothing that the courts could do for me that would be worth my time and energy. So, what have I got? Everything I ever wanted and thinking that it was the miracle cure to healing. 

After some quiet meditation I realized I have the power of words. I have unlocked all the memories of the trauma and I am secure in my truth. I can write a letter telling them everything I ever wanted to say over these past years. That fills my soul with a burning passion I haven't felt for a little while now. The thought of if they are still alive wanders through my mind. If they are dead and my letter can no longer reach them, I know that all of the pain that I feel and release from my body has been sent right back to them. If my words never reached them, then I know that all of my pain and suffering from healing did. My life is going to be everything I ever wanted and someday the pain I carry will have all gone back to the rightful person. 

Never lose the courage to always have faith in yourself and your ability to heal. The future will always be uncertain, but every effort towards healing (without taking any shortcuts) is one step closer to finding what it is you are searching for. Now, I know what I am looking for again and what will make the suffering worth it, my path has once again been set.  Taking the new step on my path by posting this and wondering if this time I will not come back, because I am free.           
 

[Letting_Go]

Back in that time and place they were my friend, one of the few. To give them any other name would only serve to distance myself from the reality of what happened. They are part of my past and my present is without. The only reason to give them an "ex" title would be to bring them into my present life. Grief is looking back at the past in order to presently express and process the loss/trauma. I let it consume me and then go back to the present where they have no power over me. I am unashamed of the misplaced trust I had in this person; to whom I called a friend. They do not exist out of my past, so I see no reason to give them any other name than the truth of what they were to me back then.   

You can rewrite and view my story however you wish; I take no offense, because words are subjective. I know my truth and that is all that I need.