Grieving in Gilsland

[Gary Dowell]

Lost my wife in January and finding it very difficult to cope with a broken heart……just wondering if anyone would like to talk to me who understands the pain ad hurt I am going through….

[Amburr]

Hi Gary! First let me say I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my husband last September to COVID and though I would love to tell you it's an easy process to grieve I would be lying. There are definitely days that are better than others and I can go through weeks doing perfectly fine and then something will happen and it throws me off. Those days I feel like I'm taking 2 steps forward and 10 steps back. All I can say to you is just take it one day at a time. If you don't mind me asking, what happened to your wife? If you ever need anyone to talk to this is definitely the place? 

[Gail 8588]

Gary, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  At times it seems impossible to return to any sort of normal functioning. When you have lost your true  soulmate, a very large part of your 'self' has been ripped apart.  It's hard to focus on any of the normal tasks we did before.  I retired early, 15 months after my husband died, because my brain had not yet recovered. I could still actually do my work, but it all felt so pointless. I couldn't focus on it to do a proper and timely job. Every task I did took 2 or 3 times as long as it should have taken. I knew my co-workers were picking up my slack, but I didn't really care about that either.  To say I had a bad attitude is an understatement. I didn't care if I got hit by a truck and died.  Nothing mattered because my world was shattered when he died. 

Everyone moves through grief at their own pace with their unique challenges.  Your journey will undoubtedly be different than mine.  But for what it is worth, I was lost in that dispair for over 3 years. 

I have come to believe that loss of a soulmate causes a type of brain injury.  You will hear people talk, or write books and articles about brain fog  or widow's fog or confusion. It is a real thing. Tasks that you did easily before are arduous now. People who were avid readers can't focus on a book long enough to complete it.  People give up hobbies that they previously really enjoyed.  This life shattering event, of losing your soulmate, has profound and sometimes long lasting effects on your brain.  

Give yourself time to heal. Get sleep, even if you have to get some help here from your doctor. Sleep deprivation is not good for any aspect of your life and it does not allow your brain to heal.  So if you are still not really sleeping well, address that first and other things will come more easily once you are getting proper rest. I was over 2 years in my grieving before I got help with sleep. I think that delay contributed to my being "lost" for so long. 

I hope you will come here and post, or just read the posts of others. It helps to know you are not alone in what you are experiencing.  I am amazed at how similar our grief experiences are sometimes, knowing how diverse our backgrounds and relationships are. 

Take one day at a time. You can do what is required today.

Gail.

[Gary Dowell]

Thanks for sending me a message about my loss…..much appreciated as I find this situation very difficult and hard to come to terms with……

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  It took years to process my grief.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Gary Dowell]

Thanks very much for your advice Kaye….it’s much appreciated honestly….but at this time I am not really listening to any kind advice…not a jibe at your advice it’s just that I am hurting so much and feeling alone and angry and asking why me?…..Gary….but I do appreciate your advice…x

[SSC]

I’m very sorry for the loss of your wife, Gary.  I wish We didn’t have to welcome you here to our forum, that you weren’t going through such horrible pain and suffering.  This tragedy that we all have in common somehow draws us together looking for understanding and compassion.  For me it will be 4 years in October and I can say it has taken me this long to finally feel like I can start looking at a life without my husband.  This process is difficult and heartbreaking.  The people here on this forum would love to hear your posts and appreciate your insights.  Tell us about you and your wife because here is where people actually understand grief is a part of you, it doesn’t go away, you need to express it and let it out.  We listen.  We get it.

[Jemiga70]

@Gary Dowell  Hi Gary, please accept my condolences.  This is the tribe that none of us wish we had reason to join, but this forum has brought me comfort.  My beautiful wife passed suddenly and in front of my eyes, almost 15 months ago.  It's the worst thing ever, a true horror.  Two weeks ago, her mother (my MiL) passed suddenly in hospital.  It's been a terrible time.  There are days when I don't struggle as much, but mostly this life sucks now, though I try to find at least 1 thing to be grateful for each day.  I believe my wife and her mom are reunited on the other side.  Ive gotten tons of signs over the past 15 months and that has been something that's kept me going, else I mightve given up on this damned life.  My wife wouldnt want me to quit, so like all of us here, I keep walking, day by day.  Your feelings of being alone, angry and asking "Why me?" -- I get it, been there and still there, though not as frequent, but keep in mind I'm 15 months out.  Everyone handles grief in their own way, so don't look at my experience as a baseline.  May you find some peace and comfort in each day as you step forward.  <<HUG>>

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Gary Dowell said:

Thanks very much for your advice Kaye….it’s much appreciated honestly….but at this time I am not really listening to any kind advice…not a jibe at your advice it’s just that I am hurting so much and feeling alone and angry and asking why me?…..Gary….but I do appreciate your advice…x

It will be here for you later as you go through your journey, it's not a one time thing, it's meant to come back and revisit over the years as you go through this.  I am truly sorry you are going through this.

[Gary Dowell]

Hello all of you that have taken the time out to send me a message with my grieving…..it is nice to know there are good people in the world so thank you very much.

so what can I say today as another lonely night in store…..what seems like a gigantic bed with only myself in it…looking and waiting for noises or more to put my mind at rest that my late wife is ok wherever she is that is?..I was a Christian until I lost my wife and now all I seem to do is question my faith and where do you go?….I have experienced smells, noises, voices, movements which isn’t spooky but comforting…..I wonder if you have had the same or am I just dreaming perhaps….I know one thing there is a place you go when you pass but I am struggling to determine where?……I have even experienced 2 of what I would call out of body experiences which I have met my wife which to this day I can’t explain however the first one I experienced when I met my wife she had the darkest eyes which worried me to say the least but the second one she was her normal self……sorry for going all supernatural with this but I was wondering if anyone else had experienced similar?

Thank you all in advance of talking to me further as it does help to talk to as you say it strangers who have experienced the same heartbreak and let me tell you all my thoughts and love are with you all….

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Gary Dowell said:

now all I seem to do is question my faith

That is common in early grief, by early, I mean the first year or more.  I had always been an avid pray-er and when George died it seemed like God was a million miles away.  After the first year or so I realized it was because of my grief filter being in the way, not because God wasn't there...He was there carrying me all the time and I didn't realize it.
I haven't experienced exactly the same thing you're referring to though.  But nothing surprises me.

[Suea]

@Gary Dowell my deepest condolence on the loss of your wife. I am at about the same stage as you in this painful grief journey. My husband died mid March this year. I have seen signs from him. First I must say he was native American and had 2 totem animals who came to him on his spirit walk. An eagle and a bear. He was also a pastor.

The first sign I got was when my daughter and I walked out of the funeral home after making arrangements. I said under my breath, "hon I hope I got everything right." My daughter said mom look up and there was a low flying eagle. We both stared at it encircling us, then looked at each other,  then quickly looked up  again  and it had completely disappeared. That same day an eagle appeared to various friends and relatives across the country. I saw it the next day flying low over my head in a different location.  I have not seen an eagle since I brought his ashes home. Neither has anyone else.

I have experienced his smell.  No voices and he has not come to me in a dream yet. Even though I wish he would.

No signs for a while then the other day ( after I had a major melt down) I found a penny on a rug I clean all the time. I put it on his dresser and said thank you to him. The next morning I awoke to a small white feather on my chair I always sit in. No reason why or how that feather got there other than it was from him. I saved it as well.

So I do not think it is strange that your wife is sending you messages. Frank was my soulmate in every sense of the word and your wife was yours. I believe they know our deep pain and are trying to comfort us the only way they can. If I had not experienced these signs and had others not witnessed signs as well,  I would think I was losing my mind. So long story short, I totally believe you. Nothing strange or weird about it in my book. Cherish her visits she loves you.

[Jemiga70]

12 hours ago, Gary Dowell said:

the first one I experienced when I met my wife she had the darkest eyes

@Gary Dowell  Gary, my wife came into my dreams a few months after she passed and she looked about  age 30 and had dark dark hair and eyes too!  I didnt find it unsettling; rather, I felt she was healthy, vibrant and strong, the perfect picture of health.  (Her natural hair color was dark brown and she had hazel eyes.)  It's weird but I also had a dream where I believe an angel or spirit guide came to me and she too had dark dark hair and eyes....  Dream visits, noises, smells, movements, from my research these are common signs.  For a while I was seeing things at my peripheral vision.

I hope your special experiences are bringing you some comfort.

[Gary Dowell]

Hi All,

thanks for all your condolences about my late wife…..it is much appreciated……it’s good to know in a strange kind of way that people actually care how I am feeling and it’s a great relief to know that others have experienced similar experiences which makes me feel I am not going mad.

I have not had such a good day today…..it’s like the emotions just come in waves….and the simplest thing can just set me off…..it’s very hard and at the moment I can’t seem to see any light at the end of the tunnel yet?……silly to say but when does this get any better……

on another note something I have not Done ever in my life I went to see a spiritualist medium which to. be honest was amazing as so accurate…..the point where you think how Did she know that and my late wife came through which was heartbreaking but nice to say the least…..amazing!

anyone else done this silly thing as well?

Gary.

[Suea]

Gary I don't think it's silly and have thought of doing this as well. I would like to hear about your experience since I know very little about that world. 

[NiquesMom]

Gary, I have a friend with abilities and has connected me with MY husband and daughter.  Things she would never know. So I know we continue and I will see then again, somedays that's all I have to hang on to. My husband died June 6th this year (2months already?!). I remember one visit, I woke up and I felt his face, it was fuzzy, he needed a shave.

No platitudes here. This life sucks, it will suck forever. BUT, hopefully each day it sucks just a little less.

I still have a 9 year old who needs me, but I can't rely on him to Save me. I don't want him to resent me so I try to keep going forward.

[Lost7]

Hi Gary

I lost my husband in January to covid he was only 54 years old. I can relate to your waves of grief they just come and crash over you. I will say that this forum has helped me cope Please keep coming back and reading responses and posting as you feel you can, I am so very sorry for your loss.

lost7 

[Catherine G.]

Hi Gary and all,

 

I just joined this group, and I already feel it's a huge source of support.  Gary and everyone reading this, my heart goes out to all of you, and I know the sadness and grief feel like they'll never end.  That's certainly how I feel.  My situation is a little different in that my partner didn't die.  But we cannot be together due to cultural reasons, and I will likely never see him again.  Without going into too much detail, he had to make a choice between being with me or being disowned by his family.  We were planning to get married, and my bed sure does feel empty.  The thing that just keeps going through my mind over and over is, If I could just see him one more time, to say goodbye.  When we last parted, we had no idea we would never be able to meet again.  If I could just hold him in my arms one more time and give a proper farewell, whatever that is, maybe there would be some closure and I could get to grips with the fact that he's gone from my life forever.  Thanks for listening.

Sorry, I meant to say he had to make a choice between being with me while being disowned from his family, or ending our relationship in order to be accepted and not disowned by them.  A terrible, terrible choice.

[KayC]

@Catherine G. I'm so sorry he was forced to make that choice, something a family should never do.  I assume they are not supportive of you, that is very hard. My husband's family I didn't hear from after the funeral, of which only 3 siblings (he was from 11 but one preceded him in death) attended, they lived two hours away...I heard from his dad a year later, badmouthing him.  I reminded him the nice things George did for him and told him not to call unless he had something nice to say.  He never did.  I read his obituary a few years later.

I do hear from his daughter occasionally and although his son is FB friiends with me, I never hear from him.  Any reaching out has been on my side.  His/our granddaughter is now grown, grandson a few years behind.  I don't know the grandkids on his son's side.

 

[Suea]

Some people who have not experienced getting a sign from a loved one, for various reasons, tell me it's my imagination. I know they are wrong. I know what I smell and the little gifts I receive are real.

[Suea]

@Sim7079 I totally agree with you.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

The signs I get now are mainly through electricity like the lights flickering

I knew someone years ago got the same thing and the doorbell ringing.  These things didn't happen before she died, only afterwards.  I've lost touch with her husband, but tried off and on quite a while.

19 hours ago, Suea said:

Some people who have not experienced getting a sign from a loved one, for various reasons, tell me it's my imagination. I know they are wrong.

And they have no business telling you that!  Perhaps they're jealous?  No one can/should negate someone else's experience.  I've heard it said you can't argue one's experience, I feel there is truth to that saying.  Your experience is real, you experienced it, end of argument!

16 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

it has happened too many times at particular times for it to be a coincidence.

And I don't by and large believe in coincidences, to me they're more the exception than the rule.  I believe things tell you a story if you listen.

[Gary Dowell]

Hello All,

Thank you so much for your messages it is greatly appreciated that you are not alone in this grieving process…..

my late wife had contacted me I feel in many ways by sounds, actual voice calling and smells so I know there is something else you go when you pass over what that is I don’t know but the spiritualist medium informed me that my late wife was on the astral plain with the angels before passing to the higher level?…….and that she would always be with me and that we would meet again….which is comforting to say the least…..I just wish I could sit down with you all with a beer or a wine to share with you my experiences as there is no way the spiritualist medium could have known without knowing me…..in fact impossible so I have to accept there is a place you go when you pass….

I hope this encounter I had brings you some peace and believing as it’s nice in a strange way your loved ones go to another place…..as I have already said I have lost my faith to a point but I keep thinking wow and what an amazing experience I have had.

please keep in touch and don’t think you are imagining what is going on around you from losing a loved one as I couldn’t make this up!
thank you all for supporting and keeping in touch through my challenging and upsetting time in my life as it’s much appreciated.

best regards.

Gary.

[Suea]

Gary I thank you for posting this confirmation! I cling to my faith but still was doubtful about what the next step was on our journey. My brain is logically hard wired so believing in something I cannot see or identify is difficult. So when I can smell my husband presence it is important to me to be believed. I'm not sure if I am expressing myself accurately but I think you understand. Anyway thank you for sharing your experiences!

[Jemiga70]

@Gary Dowell  Gary thank you for writing this; it's just what I needed to read today, because it's been a terrible day.  It also validates my own experiences of signs and synchronicities, of which there have been many.  I havent had a reading with a medium yet but I plan to.  I have a list of mediums from sources I completely trust.