Difficulty functioning

[MP28]

I lost my person three months ago, he unexpectedly died in his sleep at 34 years old. He was supposed to be in my life forever, I was supposed to have a child with him. I am so lost and paralyzed. I was functioning better for a few weeks, but now I feel as tho I’m barely holding it together again. I am overwhelmed with any small task at work. My lease ends soon and I have to start looking for apartments/planning to move and it has me breakdown just thinking about it. I am angry at the world for continuing on like nothing happened. Doesn't anyone understand that my life has been torn apart? How can you expect me to continue on after this? I’m so burnt out from working and don’t care about anything. I can’t find purpose in my life without him and I want to give up. I want to run away. Im hurting so bad. How do I keep going when it feels like there’s nothing to live for?

[DWS]

I'm so sorry for this devastating and tragic loss of your person. I along with everyone here fully understand how your life has been shattered. It's hell and unfortunately, it's not easy to provide any words that will truly comfort you.

My partner passed away unexpectedly in his sleep too. He was almost twice your person's age but he was fit and healthy. There was absolutely no sign beforehand of what was going to happen. It came out of nowhere so I can empathize with your feelings of total confusion and disfunction. It was likely shock that allowed you to have those few weeks when you were functioning okay. My first few weeks were definitely not good but about five or six weeks into it, I realized that I had been in shock because the immense emotional pain that began felt many times worse. My crying felt deeper and more out of my control. The shock was wearing off and this allowed thoughts and memories to come forward more intensely....likely because I was able to now handle this part of grief. Perhaps this is what is happening with you as well. 

Everything you are going through resonates with me and with so many others here. The world continues despite our shattered lives. We see it around us and we feel like we aren't part of this world. Ours is dark with no answers right now. I'm so sorry that you also have the stress of your lease ending soon. That is just something you don't need right now. I hope through all of this pain, a solution comes to you. This is a time for you to be kind and patient with yourself. As cliched a it sounds, we have to do this one day or one hour at a time. The importance of that is we concentrate on what we need right now...what we need to help ease the suffering. We try not to think of the future because there's too much pain there. 

I don't know if any of this helps ease things for you. My hope is that you have some sort of support from others around you. Sadly, most don't know what to say. Most don't understand your pain so we learn to deal with that disappointment as well. I'm now at five months and I still cry every day. Grief is love. Our person isn't here but the love remains so we have every reason in the world to feel such deep and endless sorrow. 

Warm hugs to you

Don

[KayC]

I am so sorry for all the pain and anguish you are going through, and I know it hurts to no end...I got tired of people telling me it'd take time, that was the one thing I couldn't change or control!  Meanwhile, it was so hard!

I can only say we have all been there, feeling the pain all while their lives go on and continue...our lives were shattered, living in a nightmare we couldn't wake up from.  

The "purpose" will evolve in time, I wouldn't worry about that at the moment, for me it took many years to realize my purpose.

I, too, am sorry that on top of this, your lease will be ending soon.  As if you didn't have enough on your plate!  So that means looking for and finding another place.  Do you have any support at all around you?  

[Barbiek77]

Hi. I lost my 64 yr old husband June 14 2022.  He gas a massive heart attack in front of my eyes and was gone in an instant..I was doing ok, or so I thought, up until now.  I have had to stay busy with things that HAD  to be done.  Now, things are slowing down and reality us setting in. My health is not the best, so I have to rest alot. Which means I now have all this time to think. And now, the Pain.. I feel so anxious, my heart is pounding in my throat.  I want to throw up. I am so scared.. I can't do this. I don't know what to do with myself , my husband is gone and I don't want to go on without him.

[Barbiek77]

Thank you for your condolences.. o have had someone with me 24/7 since my husband died. I don't know how I will move forward when I'm left alone.. I will lose my mind. 

[Barbiek77]

Thank you got your kind words. I am so very sorry for your loss as well. This is un bearable pain, unlike any other. It's minute by minute for me. Not sure I will make it when all my support people leave and I am left alone.  I will go crazy.

[KayC]

@Barbiek77 I am so sorry for your loss...June 14, my husband's birthday, yours death day...a day you will never forget even if everyone else does.  I welcome you here and am so sorry you are going through this, the hardest thing in the world to get used to.  I want you to know, you are not alone now, you have this group of people, and although no one is online 24/7, someone will come by in time and respond.  It helps to pour out your feelings and know you are heard, that others get it and understand and care.

When you are ready, maybe you will share what happened with us.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Barbiek77]

Thank you so much for your kind words and this information. My hope is that I can connect with others in here that are available 24/7 for text messaging and possibly phone calls for when I wake up during the night as I'm sure we all do at times. It helps to gave someone to chat with at 3am. Anyone out there looking for that also??

[Lost7]

Barniek77

I am truly sorry for your loss. I lost my husband 8 months ago today. All of us understand your pain and fear....please know you are in good company and share as often as you need. Sometimes for me just reading post helps me. Anyway although all of us share certain aspects of our grief, grief is a very personal journey. Take one second at a time one foot in front of the other. Much love.

Lost7

[April Ballou]

On 7/24/2022 at 6:00 AM, Barbiek77 said:

Thank you got your kind words. I am so very sorry for your loss as well. This is un bearable pain, unlike any other. It's minute by minute for me. Not sure I will make it when all my support people leave and I am left alone.  I will go crazy.

@Barbiek77 I am sorry for your loss.  This forum will help.  It has helped me.  Even though I am physically alone, it helps knowing there are others out there that are going through the same thing I am.  And yes I wake up in the middle of the night wishing that I had someone to text or call.  Someone to talk to , someone I can listen to.  I hate being alone.