Firefighter struggling with the loss of my father, and how it effects my job

[Alaskan frog]

Hello all.

                My name is David. Ima  firefighter and an EMT in Alaska. I lost my father a couple of months ago to unexpected heart failure. I was hoping to share my story, especially because im finding hardship dealing with not only his passing, but how it is brought up and relived by my current job.

                I went to an academy in February after originally going to it in January and catching covid. Been a several year paid employee, but was finally able to earn the right to get sent to get my certs.

On  the day back  from academy, while in the seattle airport my mom texts me and says my dadd isn’t acting quite right.  She describes his symptoms, and ill be damned if she isn’t describing a heart attack. So I call him, and speak to him like an EMT, not his son, and tell him to stop what hes doing snd to go get healthcare. He doesn’t want, and I should have insisted on going to a hospital.

But he conceds that he will go to his doctor right away. So while im flying home from Seattle, he goes to his doctors.

The tell him hes having a poor reaction to he blood pressure medication, and me, being just an EMT, decides that they must be correct. They are doctors, they know more than me.

But they weren’t correct.  Hes home for 4 days and out of it, having a hard time breathing, being weak and dizzy, and we think that must be his medication. But that evening, he has altered mental status.

I take him to the ER, and whoops…The doctors were wrong. He had a blockage in his atrial artery. Hes been at home without care with a  widowmaker heart attack for 4 days. It’s a bloody miracle that hes still alive

He gets care and treatment, and we hope that we got lucky. But over the next few weeks he isn’t doing better. He goes in for care, and look at that, there was too much damage to his heart from 4 days of blood flow being blocked, and he has only a thin membrance of tissue holding his heart together from having a major rupture, and killing him.

The next day im on a medevac flight with him to Seattle. There he is seen yb the best cardiac team in the world. They have a plan to repair his heart. We spend several days,a nd he goes in for surgery. Right before that time is the last time id talk to him. I will never forget that.

I have to return home for work, no sense in me being in seattle for the possible 6 weeks itll take to get a new heart if the surgery doesn’t go well.

While hes under they discover that part of his heart is shot. There is no way to repair it. They put him on an LVAD. Now hes unconscious, and we are waiting for him to get a new heart. HE should wake up. My mom is with him every day.

Then 9 days later I get a phone call… Hes had a stroke. They cant give him blood thinners because of the machine, hell bleed to death. And he ahs a stroke.

I fly down as fast as I can. It turns out that just maybe he will make it, it will leave him mostly blind, but he has a chance.

The next day… uring rounds we find out hes had another stroke. His frontal lobe is destroyed. Hes not going to recover, and hes not truly eliagable for a heart transplant anyways.

That day we pull life support, and he passes while im hugging him. I play the song well done by the afters, and my mom feels his last heartbeat.

And since that day, my father, a rock in my life, and literally the best father I could have designed if God had given me a piece of paper and said, design your ultimate father, hes gone.

The next week I followed his direction, no matter what happens, I stick to my plan of seeing my fiancée in another country. With his blessings, and my families, as well as my works, I go spend 12 days with my fiancée. And its wonderful

But now im home. Im returning to normal. And since Ive gotten back, over the last 2 months we have been slammed with cardiac codes, and ive worked a lot of deaths.

The most recent was a 5 year old child. We worked so hard to try to bring her back, almost 2 hours. But she doesn’t make it.

The weird thing is that I know this is all effecting me, and I work in a culture of people who encourage sharing and talking. Im using my employee assistance program to get help, and I hav ethe full support of my brothers and sisters at my station.

But damn it, im so angry. I don’t even know why other than this ethereal sense of, this isn’t fair. Ive been on edge, and even the slightest things makes me want to just explode. Thankfully it isn’t people, but I have kicked shoes across the living room. I broke a pair of headphones that got caught ona  door handle by rippinig them apart, instead of just unhooking them.

And I know that I have so much sadness inside of me. But the tears don’t come easily. I WANT to cry. I want to sob. I want to scream, but I honestly cant muster it.

And the other wildest thing is that im okay. I know that sounds counter to what im typing, but I told my dad that no matter what happens ill be okay.

Because he was a phenomoinal father, and he raised me right. His favorite poem was called Good timber, and its about how harsh weather and tough conditions breeds old tought trees. Easy conditions builds weak trees, and in turn he built me intoa  tough tree.

But not an emotionally stunted one. Im not putting on some macho mask. Im open with how im feeling, and I talk about it with my pastor and my Lt (they happen to be the same person lol)

Im just sharing here because I feel like I still need to talk about it. I knowthat grief is different for everyone. We all behave differently, and there is no righr way to grieve.

 

I guess im wondering if there are any other firefighter EMTs out there that know how to process death when it comes so close to my fathers passing, and so often takes the same shape?

Thank you.

[reader]

Dear David:

 I am so sorry for your loss. Sending our deepest sympathies and condolences.

Thank you for taking the time to share your story with us. 

I am not an EMT or fire fighter but I know we can all relate to how you are feeling during this very difficult and sad time. That’s very brave and courageous of you to continue to try to work. Dealing with tragedy every day takes a toll on a person. Especially so soon after losing your father.

Your feelings of anger are understandable. I know so many of us wish things could’ve been different and we could all have more time with our parents. 

It sounds like you’re doing everything you can to cope. For myself, I found it was mostly time that lessen the pain. My counsellor had told me that on average it takes about 18 months for that to happen but everyone is different.

I hope others will come forward. Please know we are here with you.

[Carebear9685]

I am not a firefighter or EMS but I lost my dad last month on the 21st. I have never felt so lost or angry about a thing. I just can't let it go. I am meeting with a therapist soon. But having to go about my life like nothing happened is getting heavier and heavier every day. My son's father isn't in his life so my dad helped raise him. Now he is feeling just as lost and angry as I do. I don't know how to help him when I can't even help myself.

[FinsterBurke]

Hi, 

I am new to the idea of an online forum. I have worked as a registered nurse for about 13 years in the hospital and home health. I never really enjoyed it, but the agency found me adept at hospice care & talking to people and families at the very end of life, so I often saw people in this situation. My mom had a minor chronic illness that suddenly had a large flare at the end of last November and she died December 4. It was unexpected, and, although it wasn't sudden and we had a "good" death in which we could say important things to each other, I tried to go back to work a week later, as I had already taken two weeks off to be with her while she was in the hospital.

I worked in a daze for about 6 weeks until I just couldn't think any more. Patients would be telling me about their symptoms and I found it hard to care or focus or not be judgmental & awful. (Thinking, but never saying: "you feel short of breath?? why don't you quit smoking!?!? my mom just died of respiratory failure even though she isolated for two years during COVID & never even smoked!")I never actually did this, but I kept getting the urge to ask the patients who were close to death if I could give them a message to give my mom when they, too, got to Heaven.

No one at work noticed anything at all, but I found myself holding it together all day at work and coming home extremely irritable. Everything by that time felt too loud, too bright, too fast and I could not get enough sleep--I was either falling asleep at 5 pm or couldn't sleep at all. I tried talking to a counselor and it was not helpful for me. The only options available were online and the connections kept getting interrupted or the counselor had to get up to let her dogs outside or one of her kids came into the room. Then she asked me medical advice & I just couldn't take it any more. Granted, it might not be like this with all or even most counselors, but I'm not feeling willing to try it again. Actually, I did, I signed up for BetterHelp but the counselor said my feelings were too complicated for an online setting & I should find a psychiatrist near me. There just aren't any near me thought, except like in the inpatient psychiatric floors, and that is not what I need.

I ended up taking four weeks off and changing jobs. Now, I work in high-tech pediatrics less hours than I was working before but still full-time (nursing in my area seems to be 50-60 hours per week = full-time, now I'm down to 40), which I find very fulfilling & I am learning a lot of new skills. I am praying several times a day. I talk to my siblings very often and we are close. My wife is incredibly supportive and kind and patient. However, I came on this forum today because I feel so sad & keep having dreams where I am just having coffee with my mom and things are perfectly fine, then I wake up and she is not there anymore. She was my only parent and the last of the previous generation in our family. She understood things about me & my life that no one who grew up outside our house could understand, and since I am the oldest child, she was the only one who supported me--I tend to support my siblings emotionally. I'm also still irritable. At least when school was in session my wife (a teacher) and son were out of the house; now, there is no way to not just get interrupted constantly (and of course that thought is immediately followed by guilt about taking them for granted). 

Anyway, I can't imagine continuing to work as an EMT with cardiac patients after your father died of heart failure after a heart attack. I want to acknowledge that the experience itself of being with someone in the hospital is traumatic. I might be misreading this, but I think, perhaps, you are looking for advice. My advice to you, in a somewhat adjacent but not-at-all the same situation, would be to take time off, reduce your work hours if possible, and consider if there are any other roles you could fill at your agency or another agency temporarily. For example, could you work as a transport EMT or trainer, or take a different shift (I know it sounds weird, but, there do tend to be rhythms of the day/year in medical care in my experience--more overdoses coming in to hospital late at night/early morning, more heart failure exacerbations coming in right after major food holidays, more suicide attempts at change of season, frostbite & hypothermia-induced heart failure in the winter)? Basically, try to limit exposure to the work experiences that are similar to how your father died, whether other people would think they are similar or not, and slow it all down for a while. Sometimes I think of grief like a concussion. The advice would be brain rest & avoid anything that could cause a similar injury while your brain is healing. 

You are not alone & I've heard things get easier