Second Year is Worse than the First

[TaraB]

In 2020 I lost my dad unexpectedly to stage 4 cancer diagnosed a week before, and then a week later my favorite aunt who I was close with, unexpectedly of a heart attack. A handful of months later my dog of 10 years died, as well as a meaningful connection with a child I sponsored for a couple years through World Vision. All of this being said, the first year I thought was terrible. Then things started to get better. I was working, made some goals for myself, got a wonderful new dog, and started to see a future. The past 3 weeks, 22 months later, I have felt a depression I never did before. I think it is hitting me, none of them are coming back. I don't want goals anymore. I don't see a future. I feel more isolated than ever. I wonder why I'm here, and rational thoughts don't really make a difference. The focus has turned to surviving the day. And I'm pretty mad this depression is hitting after the first year that so many articles say is the worst phase. Does anyone have any suggestions how to get through this? Anyone else struggle more after the first year is over?

[Summersun]

Tara, I'm not there yet timewise, so I can't help in the second year question. I just wanted to say that I totally understand how you see the world as none sensemaking at the moment, even though probably a lot of people tell you that it's wonderful to have new goals - it doesn't mean anything if you don't feel that way.

I can relate to that feeling very well, at the moment I feel that nothing whatsoever will make me feel whole or complete again and no matter what anybody says, it just feels hollow or fake.

So I'm absolutely the wrong person to ask  - I just wanted to send you a big long-distance hug, because the silence in this forum can sometimes be absolutely deafening as well. If I knew I'd give you an answer, at the moment I think we just have to to sit it out and hope for it to change. Not that I have much hope in that respect, but what else can we do?

For me at least I feel I have very little influence over my grief. It just does what it wants, and other people have reported it coming and going In waves as well. Still waiting for the going though🙂 

I don't really believe in new-agey stuff, but some people, also with terminal illnesses for example, have said that it helped them to look into the concept of radical acceptance. I haven't looked it up and don't know if there's a big philosophy behind it.

But I know for sure that a lot of people struggle with the fact that they have zero control over their grief. It's not only that it is so unpredictable, but also that one often feels so helplessly exposed to it, once it is there. 

Maybe you wanna start a new thread about that topic? You might feel that a lot of people here feel that they are at the mercy of the grief gods, no matter how much we try to fight it, in the end we have to surrender.

Have you looked at grief counselling, if your able to afford that? I think those people are experienced with the long-term consequences of grief, other than regular therapists, who don't have that in their education.

Otherwise just come back and talk to us. There's a few people here who have very little family and feel completely lost and also with no hope in the future, because you can't really enlarge your family when it has gotten so small as ours. 

You know, there is very many opportunities here to form subgroups for certain topics,  and there's always someone online as there is people from all over the world!

Start a group for 2nd yr folks, or whatever you feel like, and just post as often as you want. Maybe be a bit patient also because it's travel time and a lot of people are not exactly sitting at the keyboard at the moment.

I'm thrilled you got a new dog, though! I am sending it a cuddle, and my best wishes to you, Tara!

Please hang in there!

Much love 

Summersun

 

[reader]

Dear Tara,

Please know what you are feeling is normal. These articles helped me. It's been 6 years for me and there are still days that knock me down. I think you're doing the right thing by trying to get through each day the best you can. Keep reaching out and connecting with people. It helps to have someone to talk to and do things with. We are also here for you. 

https://www.griefandsympathy.com/second-year-of-grief.html

 

[TaraB]

Thank you both so much, your kindness and wisdom is so appreciated. I know we are all going through grief and the feedback from both of you is a great reminder today that grief does NOT equal crazy! It really helps to remember grief waves can have a mind of their own in a way for how to deal with them. The perspective is a great anchor and your kindness means so much, knowing you very well do understand. Sometimes I think the grief waves can feel even bigger when people around, even close ones, are continuing on with their lives in their own way and not even remotely on the same planet.  Hope both of you have a wonderful night (or day depending on where you are at in the world).

[Summersun]

Not the same planet sounds about right 🙂 my neighbors door is less the 4 feet from mine. Yet they live in a completely different world....

All the best to all out there! Let' s try to make it through another day, shall we?