Struggling to open up

[kcal7]

I lost my mom suddenly 9mo ago. We were very close. I’m the only child so now it’s just my dad and I; who I’ve never really been super close too.
At first I wanted friends, fam & acquaintances to keep my mind off of my mom’s passing. Keep me busy, keep my mind on anything but that. Didn’t want to talk about it. If I didn’t talk about it, it was going to be OK. I’ll be ok. 

But now I find myself looking for people to talk to and open up about what I’ve been through and how I’m feeling & how I’m struggling.
However, those in my life that haven’t been exactly what I’ve been through give the general “hallmark” support and replies. While it’s kind, it doesn’t really help me. I feel more like it’s helping them feel like they’re “being there” for a friend. 
I wish I could have the confidence to bring up & talk about how I feel in depth with fam/friends, but I fear I’ll be that “Debbie downer” or a “grey cloud” in their life, so I decide not to bring it up. I feel like after 9mo, most people think I should just “get over it” or find ways to “move on”. Their lives keep going so why can’t mine? 
In the end, I’m finding the struggle gets harder vs easier. I wish I could “move on” but I just can’t find the way. 

[reader]

Dear kcal7,

I am sorry for your loss. Grief is a long journey and it is normal for things to feel harder. We all need someone to talk to and understand our feelings. Please know you are not alone. I too found that family and friends weren't there for me.  I tried grief support group, grief counselling and even joining MeetUp groups to find new people to talk to. Also these websites have a lot of support as well. 

Grief in Common

Grief Share

What's Your Grief

My counsellor told me on average it takes about 18 months for people to feel the pain lessen. I know for myself 6 years later I still have hard days. 

I hope these resources will be helpful. Thinking of you. 

 

[janetan]

I am sorry for your loss. I also lost my mother 9 months ago. i never expected myself to face the losing mother grief so soon.

Everyone grief differently. Not even family members grieve the same as us. Their lives goes on. 

So now i don't expect other people to grief the same as you. We have to grow stronger to embrace the grief.

[unluckydaughter]

Dear kcal7,

Sorry for your loss. I hear you. I lost my Dad all of a sudden 15 months ago, and I’m still grieving. Some days are okay while others are horrible.

Like you, and me, most of them in this forum feel like they are made to feel it’s time to “move on”. I would be even surprised if they even bring up this topic. In fact, after the first few months of loss, people don’t even think this is a matter of discussion. They’ve assumed you’re back to normal. Like you, I badly longed for my friends/relatives to ask me how I was coping, or I also wanted to just share my feelings, wanted them to listen to everything that I had to say, and to hear some words of strength. But alas, nobody reached out to me. All have been busy enjoying their lives. Now I’m to a point where if someone even asks me how I’m doing in regards to the loss, I just don’t wanna talk about it. That craving to talk has also died.. because I feel whoever is asking doesn’t really care. Had they cared, they would have done so within the first few months! And I really don’t wanna hear bookish words from them.
I ask you to write your heart out here. I do the same, it relieves me. It has helped me. Nobody here will judge you. Everyone here has gone through similar pain. 

[TaraB]

I am so sorry for your loss. I am an only child too, and lost a parent unexpectedly. Each relationship is so unique so I cannot understand fully how you must be feeling in your current situation but I have definitely felt the struggle of getting to wanting to talk about what I'm going through and feeling like everyone's world just keeps going on. I don't know about you, but being an only child is an additional grief for me when close family passes. I am pretty sure I see discomfort on most people when I bring anything up related to my dad, let alone my actual grief. Can't imagine actually getting to how I'm actually feeling past surface level stuff, I struggle with feeling like a raincloud too that people are tired of seeing. I lost my parent 20 months ago and can definitely say there's no timeline on grief. I've heard people learn to grow around it as time goes on and it doesn't feel as numbing or acute as it did, I know for me some days are progressively ok, some are not. I still feel sometimes like I'm stuck in this place while everyone else goes on with their lives, and wonder if I will ever get out. All that being said, you're not alone, and it is completely understandable to feel the way you do after 9 months!