The unfairness of it all

[suomursu]

My mom died June 15th after two years of pancreatic cancer.

 

Her death was in no way a surprise, but it still was and is a shock, and I feel lost. I have mourned her loss for two years, even before her death, when we got the diagnosis. I thought I would've processed all this already, but her funeral brought all the sadness and grief into surface again... I wasn't able to read the memorial card in the funeral, but broke down completely in front of all our family. I never thought it would still hurt so   much. The thoughts in my head are mostly "I'll never get to see her again" or "She will never call me again", but there's still some anger left from 2020, when I was very angry at the universe for wanting to take away my mom. She was only 52 when she died, and her life wasn't the easiest before the diagnosis either. She was finally in a good place mentally, and living her best life and so happy. And then the ground was taken underneath my family's feet.

 

It's a surreal feeling that she's dead. It's also a surreal feeling that all the worry, anticipatory grief and what-ifs are over now. Most  of the time I feel kind of okay, but other times I'm completely numb, or cry my eyes out. It doesn't have to be even  a significant trigger to get me crying. I'm also just so tired. No amount of sleep fixes it.

 

I feel all this was so unfair, for the whole family. I'm 27 and my sister is 24. What kind of age is that to bury your parent?? Luckily we still have our dad, and if there's some silver lining to be found, it's that my relationship with him has become closer than in years.

 

I miss my mom already.

[NicoTerese]

I'll start with how sorry I am. I feel like I can relate as I'm 29F who lost a best friend to breast cancer. Feeling numb or crying or yelling at the people you love with or without your permission are things that you can take as an opportunity to show yourself kindness and comfort. Because your family is going to have their own moments of numbness, crying or anger. You can accept that feelings are crazy and don't seem like yourself for a while. But this the chance for you to be the kindest you have ever been to yourself. Your sister can be a motivator too. You can show her an example of self kindness.

I'm sorry. I hope this message was an encouragement to focus on you, your best friend for life.

[reader]

I’m deeply sorry for your loss. Please know there’s no right way or wrong way to grieve. And your feelings are completely understandable. It is normal to cry one moment and then to feel OK the next. It takes time to grieve and mourn this huge loss. Please know we are with you.